I was never really good at meeting new people. After all, what’s the point?
I’m terrible at sports, but my team always wins. They play their best to compensate for me.
Who needs 80 million pictures of themselves?
My son, Daniel, came home with a gerbil the other day. These kids pick up the weirdest things in school.
Q: I’m cleaning out my kitchen, and I found two slices of frozen pizza. Should I split up the two slices among my 8 kids, or go to the store and buy MORE pizza so no one will feel left out?
I am afraid of public speaking, which doesn’t help my career as a part-time standup comedian.
Purim is the holy holiday of candy – allow me to prepare you.
It’s flu-season and my kids are really starting to take advantage.
I’ve got back pain so I guess that means mazal tov to me, I am old now.
How about the Back-Scratch Shirt which comes with a grid on the back, like in battleship, so you can direct the scratcher to the specific itch with lightening precision.
When I go to sleep I’m out like a light. My wife though takes a bit longer and then blames me for it, like there’s a certain amount of sleep to go around, and I’m using all of it up.
As a teacher my students always ask me what school teaches them about real life. Here’s what.
Gas prices keep going up. Here are my tips to keep your costs down.
Here’s a sure fire tip if you want to be remembered for posterity: do something really embarrassing. Humanity promises not to forget.
A manual to coaching Little League, or in my case, Yiddle League.
God has given me perfect health, but to make up for it, I have really bad teeth. Really bad.
I am obsessed with eating food that was cooked, at the very least, that week.
Yes, Cheerios were invented by anti-Semites who totally don’t care about Pesach.
Some of the expressions we use sound like they were coined by someone who doesn’t actually speak English.
As a husband, I’m pretty helpful around the house. But vacuuming…”hate” is not a strong enough word.
If I would have known what a pain it would be to find clothes to wear to my wife’s brother’s wedding, I never would have sent in the reply card.
I think it’s time we dispelled all these old wives’ tales about medicine that we’ve been hearing and repeating since our childhood.
Having a 15-month-old baby in your house that can walk but not talk is kind of like having a really short, slightly-insane foreigner living with you.
I think I speak on behalf of everyone when I say it is not easy to figure out what to buy people for Chanukah.
If I hate shopping for myself, what makes my wife think I am going to enjoy shopping for her?
Have the past 21 generations of one family of flies dedicated themselves to mercilessly harassing me?
As the mascot at my kids’ summer camp, I realized that we all want to know who is pulling the strings in life.
Google has invented the self driving car. Wait, so whose picture is on the license?
Actual results of a recent poll of hotel managers as to the strangest objects people have ever requested from the concierge.
My wife and I are trying come up with ideas to save energy. But all of this thinking requires a lot of, well, energy.
Remembering to count the days between Passover and Shavuot can be tricky. But I’ve got a plan!
Time for my favorite errand – a trip to the Department of Motor Vehicles!
Purim is here, and it’s about time you gave some serious thought to the subject of costumes.
My 8 surefire tips to finding whatever you’ve lost. Guaranteed!
I never call my parents. At least that’s what my parents believe.