Mordechai Schmutter
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About the Author

Mordechai Schmutter

Mordechai Schmutter writes a weekly humor column for Hamodia, a monthly humorous advice column for The Jewish Press, and a comic strip for The 20s and 30s of Brooklyn. He is also the author of the books, Don’t Yell “Challah” in a Crowded Matzah Bakery, A Clever Title Goes Here, This Side Up, and Cholent Mix, all published by Israel Book Shop. In his spare time, which doesn't exist, he attempts to teach Language Arts to a bunch of high school guys, most of whom are usually too upset that he showed up on any given day to even pay attention to his lessons. He is also available to do stand-up comedy. He lives in New Jersey, but no longer remembers why.

Losing Sleep

Losing Sleep

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When I go to sleep I’m out like a light. My wife though takes a bit longer and then blames me for it, like there’s a certain amount of sleep to go around, and I’m using all of it up.


7 Things School Teaches Kids About Real Life

7 Things School Teaches Kids About Real Life

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As a teacher my students always ask me what school teaches them about real life. Here’s what.


Traveling Light

Traveling Light

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Gas prices keep going up. Here are my tips to keep your costs down.


Car Talk

Car Talk

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We’re in the market for a new car. This is not going to be fun.


Stuck On You

Stuck On You

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Here’s a sure fire tip if you want to be remembered for posterity: do something really embarrassing. Humanity promises not to forget.


Put Me In Coach!

Put Me In Coach!

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A manual to coaching Little League, or in my case, Yiddle League.


Pain in the Mouth

Pain in the Mouth

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God has given me perfect health, but to make up for it, I have really bad teeth. Really bad.


Baby Talk

Baby Talk

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Ever wonder what that 1 year old is saying? Let me explain.


Leftovers

Leftovers

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I am obsessed with eating food that was cooked, at the very least, that week.


Passover Q and A

Passover Q and A

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Yes, Cheerios were invented by anti-Semites who totally don’t care about Pesach.


Sounds Strange

Sounds Strange

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Some of the expressions we use sound like they were coined by someone who doesn’t actually speak English.


Time for a Mohel

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Who Wants Tablets?

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The Shabbos Delivery

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Suck It Up

Suck It Up

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As a husband, I’m pretty helpful around the house. But vacuuming…”hate” is not a strong enough word.


Snow Problem!

Snow Problem!

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My kids get a snow day; I get a headache.


A Perfect Match

A Perfect Match

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If I would have known what a pain it would be to find clothes to wear to my wife’s brother’s wedding, I never would have sent in the reply card.


Medical Myths

Medical Myths

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I think it’s time we dispelled all these old wives’ tales about medicine that we’ve been hearing and repeating since our childhood.


One Small Step

One Small Step

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Having a 15-month-old baby in your house that can walk but not talk is kind of like having a really short, slightly-insane foreigner living with you.


Buyer Beware

Buyer Beware

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I think I speak on behalf of everyone when I say it is not easy to figure out what to buy people for Chanukah.


His and Hers Closet

His and Hers Closet

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If I hate shopping for myself, what makes my wife think I am going to enjoy shopping for her?


There Ain’t No Flies On Us

There Ain’t No Flies On Us

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Have the past 21 generations of one family of flies dedicated themselves to mercilessly harassing me?


Tips for the New Year

Tips for the New Year

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My common sense tips to make this year a winner.


New Fruits for the New Year

New Fruits for the New Year

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There’s apples and honey and then there’s this.


BBQ 101

BBQ 101

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My sure fire tips for a successful barbecuing experience.


Mascot Man

Mascot Man

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As the mascot at my kids’ summer camp, I realized that we all want to know who is pulling the strings in life.


Look, Ma! No Hands!

Look, Ma! No Hands!

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Google has invented the self driving car. Wait, so whose picture is on the license?


Oh, Concierge!

Oh, Concierge!

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Actual results of a recent poll of hotel managers as to the strangest objects people have ever requested from the concierge.


Saving Energy

Saving Energy

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My wife and I are trying come up with ideas to save energy. But all of this thinking requires a lot of, well, energy.


Forget Me Not

Forget Me Not

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Remembering to count the days between Passover and Shavuot can be tricky. But I’ve got a plan!


Fast and Furious

Fast and Furious

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Enhancing your productivity by doing things faster.


Trimming the Fat

Trimming the Fat

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Passover is coming, so eat everything you can!


License to Smile

License to Smile

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Time for my favorite errand – a trip to the Department of Motor Vehicles!


Dressed for Success

Dressed for Success

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Purim is here, and it’s about time you gave some serious thought to the subject of costumes.


Like, Whatever

Like, Whatever

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The two most irritating words in the English language.


Lost and Found

Lost and Found

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My 8 surefire tips to finding whatever you’ve lost. Guaranteed!


Say What?

Say What?

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Do the things we tell our kids even make sense? Short answer: no.


You Never Call

You Never Call

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I never call my parents. At least that’s what my parents believe.


Balance of Power

Balance of Power

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One man’s take on his experience during Hurricane Sandy and the following blackout.


No, I Don’t Work Here

No, I Don’t Work Here

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Ever since I was a teenager, people have been coming up to me in stores and assuming that I worked there.


Doctor in the House

Doctor in the House

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I’ve been feeling kind of lousy lately, and I’ll tell you why: I went to the doctor.


I’m a Mitzvah Clown!

I’m a Mitzvah Clown!

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I am happy to call myself a Mitzvah Clown – someone who brings happiness to senior homes and children’s hospitals.


Baby Steps

Baby Steps

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My youngest child, Gedalyah, is about to start crawling. But he doesn’t know it yet.


Back to School Basics

Back to School Basics

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Kids gather around and listen to these pearls of wisdom from a master educator.


Flying High

Flying High

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Statistically, it’s a lot safer to fly than to drive. I think I’ll take my chances.


Home Economics

Home Economics

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Men are far more economical. Wait. Let me explain.


Talking Small

Talking Small

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Don’t talk to me about the weather, the food at the wedding you went to or how bad the traffic was – I hate small talk.


Chinese Auction Action

Chinese Auction Action

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How to make your next Chinese Auction a fun-raising experience.


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