Think Before You Speak

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Published: March 17, 2007

Visitor Comments: 9

(9) Michael Berg, June 14, 2007 6:07 PM

loaded gun

I smiled when I heard the analogy of the loaded gun. It is the same analogy I learned in Tanach class, where it was said that lashon hara is like a bow and arrow, as opposed to a sword. Once you let that arrow go, it is impossible to take it back.

(8) esther, March 22, 2007 7:31 AM

men

First of all,in every study done,you will see that men gossip just as much but i realized that just from going to shul. It is rediculous to say women do it more.Next-I do believe some gossip is actually helpful and malicious. I am so so tired of being told how bad it is bec I wish I had known a few things before I hurt people.In one instance I asked a mother how her daughter was since that wonderful marriage-she had a pained look on her face and said it was over.In another I kissed a kallah to find out she was no longer engaged.The individuals were hurt and I hurt for them.Oh people knew but nooooo,they couldn't possibly warn me.So I am so tired of hearing it already.They were ok since they knew and did not have to embarress or hurt anyone but Gd forbid let someone else know.Please spare us the speeches-

(7) Anonymous, March 20, 2007 8:02 AM

Thank you Lori

Thanks, Lori, for saying it like it is.

No psychology, no semantic acrobatics, just simply the unadorned truth; a nugget of wisdom that can enrich our lives if we are open and accepting to a new perspective.

(6) Kelly Woo, March 20, 2007 12:53 AM

Thank you, Lori....

for encouraging women to better themselves. Not gossiping is so challenging. As women, we connect and develop intimacy with other individuals through language. I would love so much if you could do a video on practical ways to combat gossip in our day to day lives. It is one thing to recognize intellectually how wrong gossip is and quite another to actually take action.

(5) Anonymous, March 19, 2007 12:40 PM

I beg to differ with Mrs. Palatnik

Maybe at one point, that notion may have been true and prevalent for women to talk more than men, but not anymore. The quanity of a man's speech sums up to as a woman. At least the men I know are now are male versions of yentas. The gender differences in gossip is merging into a commonality.

(4) Mrs. D, March 19, 2007 11:29 AM

tips on speech, speaking of speech

(1) I agree generally with Daniella's comments, but, please, try not to be so abrasive! I think that Mrs. Palatnik was building up to a point she wanted to convey, at the end, about misusing the gift of speech, which one might treat more carefully would one consider what a gift it is, and how it can be used as G-d intended it - to build up - or instead detrimentally , damaging sometimes irreparably. This is certainly the objective for both men and women, even with the the unfair playing field being what it is (9:1). MEANING: Take a look and discover that the temptation (the rut) of constant gossip is as strong OR WORSE for the "ungifted," the "HAVE NOTS" (read that the MEN)among us, and so THEY had better work harder on it - all the more so those of us who HAVE that verbal gift - we women have so much more to give, build up, contribute ,and change for the better. It's even more in our laps (kinda fits with our understanding of women as partners of G-D in creation, the nurturers, etc. Now, that doesn't put us into any box that the Good Lord didn't want us in! What a box!! Not bad, I'll climb in!!)
Anyhow, it is a strange but true observation that almost anywhere its the guys (THE HAVE-NOTS!!!) who out-shmooze their feminie counterparts. Just check out where the chatter emanates from in a typical shul, where with separate seating the shmoozers are fairly easy to identify! Well, as always, it is women who will be out there bringing the Geula, so lets start teaching our poorer xy-chromosome brothers out there the gift of gab Hashem's way. That, I suspect, was Mrs. Palatnik's message....HOWEVER>
(2)Mrs. P, with all due respect and admiration for your great messages and lessons, May I suggest a couple of tips that would make it ever so much more easy and plesant to HEAR what you are SAYING: I don't know about everybody else, but if I experience this issue, chances are I am in the company of several others...
Can You SLOW DOWN AND E-N-U-N-C-I-A-T-E, so I don't have to stop several times (most often after the introductory statement, which comes out garbled or unclear on the video)and say "huh?!?!" and rewind to catch your words? The way you are speaking may actually be fine person-to-person, but the medium of video is a lot like theater, so these strategies are necessary and make a tremendous difference. It would also be extremely helpful, keeping in mind that you are in the position of a communicator and a sort of public speaker, to PLAN AHEAD, not just the sequence of points you want to say, but the exact phraseology and key words. It's not for nothing that the real pros tell you that extemporaneous is fine, but it has to SOUND as casual as IF it is extemporaneous - it can't actually BE unplanned, because it will come across to the listener exactly that way, with false starts and self corrections on too many statements, and perhaps also a really essential clincher point mistakenly left unsaid...OY!
I realize this off-hand casualness is part of your charm. But I guarantee you, that will come through anyway!!! You are such an earnest and enthusiastic speaker that I always want to hear your gems, but please try to maske them a bit more "polished" gems, thereby mkaking an enjoyable shmooze that much more spectacular (and in the process, of course, doing great credit to our superior race of the greater 9-parts-to-one speakers!! Thanks!

(3) Daniela, March 18, 2007 2:56 PM

NONSENSE !

See, this is where we get ourselves into boxes of thought because of trying so hard to prove differences between men and women just because some have been trying to force similarities. In my entire lifetime of experience (I'm 41), I have seen neither sex gossip more than the other. THEY BOTH GOSSIP JUST AS MUCH ! In face, the one group of people who gossip more than anyone else I've ever known is my older brother and his friends ! They've known each other since kindergarden and talk about everyone everywhere under the sun. Please. Even my 12 year old nephew gossips more than my 14 year old neice.

In the first place, suggesting that using more words must mean women gossip more is sheer STUPIDITY. It also shows a very superficial thinking that is short-sighted as well. Men don't gossip less, they just gossip **differently**. Men relay information, women discuss it. Men tell gory details of someone's life about what they do and don't do, women discuss ways to help or harm the situation. Women are no more natural communiacators than men, we just communicate differently. Men try to fix things, women try to lend sympathy, etc.

Open up your ears, open up your eyes, stop trying to put people into boxes they will never fit into and see how people actually live and communicate. Don't see things as you want to prove them out to be, look at things as they really are. I wish more frum women would do that, as well as feminists - it would bring us a long way toward recognizing ALL of our true strengths.

(2) Jennifer, March 18, 2007 9:40 AM

Would it be spreading gossip..

..to say that Lori Palatnik is a wise, beautiful, and insightful woman? I despise being lectured, yet Lori presents nurturing information to feed our souls that does not seem to condescend or censure.

(1) Carole Lawrence, March 18, 2007 9:31 AM

Men Gossip and how!

I have to disagree with the premise that because women use language more, and more effectively than men, it follows that they gossip more than men. Many years ago I worked in a central postoffice - one that distributes mail to the branches. I used to pick up the trays of mail from the clerks who "cased" the mail into postal zones. There were both men and women clerks doing this and as I walked between the stalls of clerks, what I heard was unbelieveable. Not only male gossip, but the most vicious form or gossip - the kind that will ruin a person's reputation. From the women I heard discussions on child rearing (how do I disipline little Johnny or Mary), recipes and where to buy goods and/or services cheaply. The men were more into which women were "cheap" or willing to "give out" and which were cheating on their husbands. Interestingly enough, they never gossiped unflatterly about other men!

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About the Author

Mrs. Lori Palatnik

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Lori Palatnik is a writer and Jewish educator who has appeared on television and radio, and is the author of "Friday Night and Beyond: The Shabbat Experience Step-By-Step," "Remember My Soul - What to do in Memory of a Loved One," and co-author of "Gossip: 10 Pathways to Eliminate It From Your Life and Transform Your Soul." She is a much sought-after international speaker, having lectured in the U.S., Canada, Mexico, U.K., Central America, South America, South Africa and Israel, including featured talks at Yale, Brown and Penn. She lives in the Washington D.C. area, with her husband, Rabbi Yaakov Palatnik. Lori is the Founder of The Jewish Women's Renaissance Project, an international initiative that brings over 1,000 women to Israel each year from ten different countries on highly subsidized programs to inspire them with the beauty and wisdom of their heritage. She is the busy mother of five children, ages 24 to 14; and her son, Zev, just finished serving as a sharpshooter in the IDF. Her weekly video blog, "Lori Almost Live" is a popular feature on aish.com, viewed by over 50,000 people each month.

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Think Before You Speak

Who gossips more: men or women?

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