What Your Husband Really Needs

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Published: March 24, 2007

Visitor Comments: 29

(29) Bige, May 14, 2010 11:24 AM

Thank you...

Madam Thank u..I will definitely it when I get married..You are right though simple..really important thank you for the piece of wisdom..

(28) Anonymous, March 17, 2008 10:17 AM

He DOESN"T love it!

Lori, I've done it, and he hates it!Especially when I say "I HAVE to get off." Better to say simply- "My husband's home- I'll talk to you later.",
or in his words, "Don't even tell her I am home..." If he's within hearing distance, I just say- "Sorry, I have to go."
After close to 30 years of marriage- I can say- each husband (and wife) are different. Be sensitive to what your husband likes or dislikes!

(27) DB, February 11, 2008 9:40 PM

Just A Little Bit

You've eloquently stated for men what Aretha Franklin stated for women. We have to respect people in the workplace. Why is it that respect isn't often extended in the one place where one wants to feel the most respected - in the home?

(26) Yaffa M., May 31, 2007 6:15 PM

Go Lori!

Lori, you absolutely rock! You don't know how much you just helped me, baruch Hashem. Thank you. Keep rocking!

(25) RJE, May 11, 2007 5:16 PM

Men need respect in the same way that women need love.

What an interesting array of comments! I happen to agree with Lori - strongly. Both men and women need love, and both need respect. But for a man, respect is primary, and for a woman, love is primary. (Yes, I am generalizing.) If a husband told his wife, "I respect you, but I don't love you," she would be devastated. But that is the equivalent of a wife telling her husband, "I love you, but I don't respect you."

There is a book titled "Love & Respect" by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs which covers this topic in great detail.

By the way, in answer to Anonymous, 3/25/2007 10:24:00 PM, "R-E-S-P-E-C-T" was written by Otis Redding, as a message to his wife, two years before Aretha Franklin sang it. (See page 47 in that same book.)

(24) SB, April 18, 2007 4:42 PM

Everyone needs to be Respected as well as Loved

I disagree with you Lori, both husbands and wives need to be both respected and loved, each in a different way because men and women are different and that in intself must be respected. And in order to have a Happy Marriage and Sholom Bayis in the home Respect must be a "given" and each partner must learn to understand and listen to understand how their spouse needs to be respected and how their spouse needs to be loved. Because in order achieve and fulfill true happiness, our Jewish faith and religion teaches us that our committments to our spouses must be 100% and not 50/50 like the secular world is prone to believe. When we each give 100% committment in respecting, honoring and loving our spouse each spouse will automatically receive 100% of their own needs met.

In addition the Torah states that a Man must love his wife as much as he loves himself but respect and honor her even more than he respects himself.

(23) Anonymous, April 4, 2007 2:41 PM

I undersand the point of the message and basically agree with it. However, I think that the statement of men needing respect versus women needing love is a dangerous one. Love is based on respect, and that's why women need to be respected as much as men do. By the way, I really appreciate it when I come home and my husband stops what he is doing to greet me.

(22) Fiamma, April 4, 2007 11:03 AM

My grandma was more modern than Lori is

I agree with the one that wrote that we are not in 1940 anymore. Women, at least here in Italy, work far more than men do.

And by the way WHO IS OPRAH?

(21) Joey, March 31, 2007 7:24 AM

"I think you need to tailor this to your audience a bit more. For example, why assume the husband is the one coming home from work? Why assume that women know or care who Oprah is?"

Oh, come on. EVERYONE knows who Oprah is. :-)

God bless.

(20) malkah, March 30, 2007 11:55 AM

thank you so much Lori, I'm a big phone yacker and I feel it..I will try your advice it's easier to talk the talk than to walk the walk.

(19) D., March 29, 2007 4:49 PM

You're great!

Despite my age (16), I'm very happy I saw this clip of yours, Lori. It gave me advice for the future, and made me aware of what my mother does, and perhaps tell her to watch this clip. There are probably women out there that don't know that they gotta 'get off the phone when your husband comes in...' and live a misreble life JUST becuz of the phone. I don't think that happens much, though.
Anyway, I just wanted to say that you're a brilliant lecturer.
Have you got stuff about teenagers on aish too?

(18) Anonymous, March 29, 2007 8:11 AM

To "very shallow"

Oh boy...Where can I start.

Dear, I'm afraid you misunderstood the presentation completely.

First, please don't watch videos with marriage advice for women together with your husband and son. It's for you, and it's a rather unhelpful way to facilitate improvement. Your experience alone should be ample evidence- the mockery of both males (which is very understandable- this is "womenly" advice, and wasn't meant for them) ruined any potential positive impression it might have made on you.

Now, for the fundamental misunderstanding: Lori made not even a whiff of references to a male *demanding* that his wife hang up the phone. I'm sure she would heartily agree with you that such behavior is selfish and haughty. It shouldn't have even needed a mention, that "a man should have a deep knowledge that his wife loves him and cares for him and respects him IRREGARDLESS of whether she hangs up the phone the minute he walks in or not". That was not the point of this presentation, in even the slightest way.

I should hope that you "personally give my husband more credit", but a possible selfishness on the part of husbands wasn't even on the radar screen of Lori's ideas.

What she WAS saying, was that doing such a special thing like ending a casual phone conversation when your husband walks through the door is a way of showing tremendous respect, and that is a beautiful thing to do in a marriage. If you find that too hard to do, find another way to demonstrate your deep respect for him- there's more than one view of the elephant.

An eighteen year old doesn't have the depth of experience and maturity to even appreciate Lori's words, and what's "shallow and silly" is for him to feel he can pronounce a firm assessment on one who is much wiser and knowledgeable than him, in the typical way that some teens tend to do.

Try to watch this type of presentation with more than a superficial perspective, and leave your teen out of videos you are watching for marriage advice. The title alone should have alerted you to keep your son out of this.

Partners in strong and healthy marriages LOOK for ways to improve; like fine way, years of marriage bring added depth and appreciation, with the maturity to implement creativity is demonstrating respect and love.

(17) Ora, March 29, 2007 6:11 AM

to anonymous, lori

Anonymous 1:42--
Are you saying that a person's behavior shouldn't affect their spouses feelings? I don't think that's very realistic. If I act disrespectfully, my husband will eventually feel disrespected, REGARDLESS of what I tell him I feel.

Oh and as for your 18 year old son, if he's not married, I wouldn't expect him to understand. Much of the excellent marriage advice I've heard sounded silly to me when I was 18.

Lori--
I think you need to tailor this to your audience a bit more. For example, why assume the husband is the one coming home from work? Why assume that women know or care who Oprah is? Why the phone, it sounds like the stereotype that women are shallow chatterboxes. Personally, I'm much more likely to be distracted by work/ cooking/ diapers.

(16) Anonymous, March 29, 2007 1:42 AM

Very shallow

I watched Lori with my husband and son and we were all singularly unimpressed. My husband says that a man that demands that his wife hang up the phone the minute he comes home is selfish and haughty. I just feel that a man should have a deep knowledge that his wife loves him and cares for him and respects him IRREGARDLESS of whether she hangs up the phone the minute he walks in or not. If a marriage is strong and healthy then each partner respects the other's space and can handle waiting a while for the other's attention. You think that you are giving wise advice??? You are making men sound like stupid selfish people with only their own pride in mind. I personally give my husband more credit. Oh and as for my 18 year old son who was watching the video clip with us.... he summed it up in two words, "shallow and silly."

(15) Rachel J., March 28, 2007 8:40 PM

practical & good advise

Ladies, stop attacking Lori, it's good advise. Try it & you'll see a difference in your marriage.

(14) Anonymous, March 27, 2007 9:10 PM

I'm with Lori

I'm with Lori.

I love the straightforward manner. She takes down to earth facts (and facts they are, a woman's nature hasn't changed, despite the year 2007) and helps us look at it with a fresh and mind opening perspective.

Thank you Lori.

(13) Anonymous, March 27, 2007 6:55 PM

More please

Very inspirational

(12) Linda, March 27, 2007 5:59 AM

The year is 2007 not 1940. Where are you, Lori?

Lori, do you think that is all we want? Girl, wake up and join the real world. Turn your head and see what is going on. No, it is too cute for words. We want and expect more than love? Ladies, I think you are with me. Thanks for listening, Lori. No am not excited if Oprah were to drop in.

(11) Anonymous, March 26, 2007 6:14 PM

Re Anonyomous 7:15, and the Presentation

It's a shame that Anonymous 7:15 prefers not to comment, but hopefully it's because she has integrated this wisdom into her own life already, and not because she (shudderingly) rejects its premise.

And, it's more dignified to refrain from commenting in lieu of 'commenting on refraining from commenting'.

Having said that, thanks Lori for some excellent womanly advice, and the clarity of your message. Indeed, you've got the feminine number. First love, then respect. I appreciate both, in that order.

(10) Anonymous, March 26, 2007 7:15 AM

Too basic

This was so basic that I shudder to think that women will actually take it seriously. All men need respect, but want love? All women need love, but want respect? I'm not sure this type of advice even deserves the dignity of a comment.

(9) Anonymous, March 25, 2007 10:24 PM

R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

Lori, All we women want is Love? Get out of here! I'm with Aretha Franklin, even if I don't understand or agree with the money bit in her lyrics. Give us some respect!l

(oo) What you want
(oo) Baby, I got
(oo) What you need
(oo) Do you know I got it?
(oo) All I'm askin'
(oo) Is for a little respect when you come home (just a little bit)
Hey baby (just a little bit) when you get home
(just a little bit) mister (just a little bit)

(8) Carolyn Gillihan, March 25, 2007 9:05 PM

Thanks, Lori.

Great basic teaching on respecting our husbands, Lori.

(7) Dena, March 25, 2007 4:30 PM

Well said!!!!

That really was well said!!!

(6) Antony, March 25, 2007 4:26 PM

Telephones

I've just come in from maariv,and my wife is on the phone with her mother. Decided to check out what's new at aish, and just finished watching this video....my wife is still on phone!!

(5) Judy, March 25, 2007 3:09 PM

honesty

For the most part I enjoy Lori's presentation and content, BUT doesn't your husband need honesty? Knowing that when you imply that you are getting off the phone for him, you truly are, is directly connected to knowing that when you act like you respect him, you truly do. (And that includes, to refer to a previous video, taking it up with him, and not your friends when you don't appreciate a gift of his.) More than respect, honesty builds trust, and is the foundation of any solid relationship.

(4) zvi tusk, March 25, 2007 2:43 PM

i just forwarded this to my loving wife of 32 years.

(3) Anonymous, March 25, 2007 12:09 PM

Enlightening

This is really enlightening wisdom. Certainly a pearl that can make a real difference in anyone's life. Much appreciated.

(2) Anonymous, March 25, 2007 10:24 AM

I loved this! So funny and such great advice. Thank you Lori!

(1) Anonymous, March 25, 2007 7:48 AM

Beautiful

Thank you Lori! That was superb, and fabulous advice!

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About the Author

Mrs. Lori Palatnik

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Lori Palatnik is a writer and Jewish educator who has appeared on television and radio, and is the author of "Friday Night and Beyond: The Shabbat Experience Step-By-Step," "Remember My Soul - What to do in Memory of a Loved One," and co-author of "Gossip: 10 Pathways to Eliminate It From Your Life and Transform Your Soul." She is a much sought-after international speaker, having lectured in the U.S., Canada, Mexico, U.K., Central America, South America, South Africa and Israel, including featured talks at Yale, Brown and Penn. She lives in the Washington D.C. area, with her husband, Rabbi Yaakov Palatnik. Lori is the Founder of The Jewish Women's Renaissance Project, an international initiative that brings over 1,000 women to Israel each year from ten different countries on highly subsidized programs to inspire them with the beauty and wisdom of their heritage. She is the busy mother of five children, ages 24 to 14; and her son, Zev, just finished serving as a sharpshooter in the IDF. Her weekly video blog, "Lori Almost Live" is a popular feature on aish.com, viewed by over 50,000 people each month.

Follow Lori on Twitter, @LoriAlmostLive

What Your Husband Really Needs

What happens when your husband comes home?

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