Attractive Vs. Attracting

Making sure you get the right kind of attention.

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Comments (33)

(33) Anesu, August 30, 2011 7:40 PM

Absolutely true.

I wish a lot of women and young girls knew this; the world would be a different place. Thank you very much, I will send a link to my young sister. Keep up the great work and may God bless you.

(32) S, September 21, 2009 6:17 AM

great point

It's important that we dress modestly so people focus on our Inner beauty, ie our mind and soul. Plus, there's plenty of ways to be both modest and stylish. We Jews are holy; modesty helps us to protect our holiness

(31) anonymous, June 9, 2009 8:20 PM

The truth hurts-Thanks for hitting the nail on the head.

I wish you could come and address the young ladies and their mothers in my shul. I dread having to see the low cut blouses and sockless feet with flip-flops in shul, during davening on Shabbos and Yom Tovs during the warm weather. These women have no concept of tzniut at all. And what really makes my blood boil, is when these women will cover their heads with hats in shul, but then the following day be seen going in a tank top and shorts-such hypocrites!

(30) Anonymous, February 5, 2009 9:18 PM

How Do You Know?

You say "There's a fine line. You know when you've crossed it." But how do you know??? I have so much trouble trying to figure out where that fine line is!!!

(29) Jeanne, November 13, 2008 9:55 AM


Thank you for your video on this topic. My daughter is 11 and she is struggling with modesty because her friends are not held to modesty standards like she is. I will show her your video today because I think it will encourage her to do the right thing.

(28) Anonymous, August 5, 2008 3:00 PM

think of the men

There was a good point about young males in about considering them as your brothers in the family of God?! Is it fair or right to put temptation infront of them by displaying flesh? They are on a path to holiness, why put a stumbling block in from of them?Havent they got enough trials and tests to deal with in life??

(27) Leslie, March 30, 2008 11:00 AM

Modesty=No Tight-fitting clothes too

Thanks for this video. I love how you convey pertinent issues with a pleasant, caring, matter-of-fact attitude. I am teaching my girls that in addition to covering, they should not wear skin-tight clothes that reveal the outlines of everything.

(26) Brenda, March 12, 2008 9:58 PM

thank you!

thank you Lori for explaining so beautifully the difference between being attractive and attracting. I think it's so important to hear, especially today, and especially for young women.
You are the best! Thank you for your weekly "almost live" talks!

(25) Anonymous, March 8, 2008 10:01 PM

to lori; i am a girl who dresses modestly according to halacha. my personal style is more trendy and young. i feel like the boys at work are noticing me to much and i hate the attention that i get. personally i can't change everything about my style it's mine for a reason it's not seductive or anything like that i'ts just nice. some are chassidesh and maybe aren't used to it, but i HATE when they even look at me

(24) Christopher, February 19, 2008 11:14 AM

What I tell my girls

Having been a teenaged boy several years ago I know how they think. So, I tell my girls that boys believe what a girl is willing to show she is willing to share. Now in most cases that is not true for some it is true and the others dress immodest out of ignorance.

(23) Yvonne Michele Anderson, February 18, 2008 11:03 AM

Classic Beauty

It is true that today, many young women mistake showing as much of their skin, or as much of their figure, as possible for being attractive. Moreover, they mistake the attention which they receive related to their physical appearance for love.

The Torah and the Jewish Bible encourage women to be beautiful for their husbands, and this means both beauty inside and out. In terms of physical beauty, however, one does not have to bear all in order to show that one is beautiful. When fashion trends fade, "classic beauty" remains -

I enjoy fashion as much as anyone, however, dressing appropriately for the occasion, while remaining feminine is still possible (for example, bare arms shoulders and collarbones are appropriate for evening gowns, but not for the office...).

Being beautiful has much more meaning when your most intimate self is only shared with the one that you love, and who loves you for not only your outer beauty, but also the beauty of who you are...

I think that modesty is about classic beauty, and does not mean that women should not be beautiful...

(22) Guita, February 17, 2008 6:32 PM

Please speak slower, because it is difficult for a foreigner to understand you. It is really a pity ...
Thank you

(21) Barry White, February 17, 2008 9:52 AM

Say what?

You've got one healthy yetzer hara, buddy. You're uptown shopping for downtown goods.
Get a life!

(20) Anonymous, February 17, 2008 3:50 AM

I am not Jewish, but I love Lori's almost live "talks" and do wish more young girls would see this latest one----"Attractive or Attracting". I am past 65 - but don't consider myself a "prude" (maybe young people think I am) but it is sometimes almost embarrassing to be around some of the younger people we see every day. Thanks for your thought provoking talks.

(19) Marc, February 15, 2008 6:45 PM

Men Want Both Body and Mind

I enjoyed this piece and while I agree with it in substance, men want both mind and body from a woman. It is very possible for a woman to wear clothing that reveals her body without being over-the-top or inappropriate. There are many beautiful dresses, skirts, tops, head coverings, etc., that woman can wear that allow a man to enjoy the body while at the same time not being inappropriate such that the mind is focused on, too. Just my two cents . . .

(18) Graciela, February 15, 2008 3:26 PM

I was very lucky last month, Lori came to Houston, I had a chance to hear her in "real live" Her mini lessons are always always incredibly inspiring.
I wish her Lori "almost live" would come every day. I am still greatful for the opporunity to listen to her every week.

(17) Anonymous, February 15, 2008 2:54 PM


(16) Mark Douglas Obenour, February 15, 2008 1:41 PM

How about perfume modesty?

Men/Boys are attracted by the senses.
You should also touch on modesty in scent. I especially have trouble with married women perfumed way beyond "attractive" to the "attracting" point! Some men smell perfume and it illicits bodily reactions. Why do married and unmarried women do this? Shouldn't these scents be reserved for the bedroom and the marriage bed?

(15) Chaya Lipschutz, February 14, 2008 11:57 PM

Lori - thanks for bringing up this very imporant topic!

Lori - fantastic video. Very important topic to talk about. Something I rarely hear on the internet or at lectures.

I am so proud of you!

I look forward every week listening your videos. I usually e-mail them to others as well. I urge others as well - to help spread Lori's great words by e-mailing it to others especially those who haven't had a Jewish education. This particular video though on modesty - needs to be heared by Orthodox Jews as well. Lori - you are AWESOME!!! Can hardly wait for next week's video!

(14) Laya, February 14, 2008 10:31 PM


Well said! I'll pass it forward, thank you as always.

(13) Rey, February 14, 2008 9:25 PM

Attracting Life not, Atractive Life yes.

Thank you Lori, as always you have hammer the nail on the head with this new comment. I was able to tell my nice just what she must do to attract and not distract boys. Thanks again.

(12) Sarah Rut, February 13, 2008 3:45 PM

Thank you.

I want to personally think Mrs. Palatnik for all of her short clips. I don't have 1/2 and hour and this helps me to keep focused on my tachlis an in touch with Torah. Thank you very much.

(11) Felix, February 12, 2008 4:06 PM

Modesty etc....

I always enjoy Lori's comments about any topic she chooses. Her way of expressing herself and conveying her message is most interesting. Hope I could meet her one day !!

(10) Laylu, February 12, 2008 2:33 PM

Lori is awesome!

I wish I can repeat what you said to every teenage girl. It breaks my heart to see girls whose bodies mean nothing to them... I always think... "Your body is NOT for sale!" Why is it that girls think that the only way to get a guy to like them is by exposing themselves? HaShem should watch over our jewish daughters, as Lori said we are princesses.

(9) Annette, February 12, 2008 1:52 PM

Absolutely, without a doubt!

I grew up in a non jewish environment but with the very same principles: know the difference between BEING attractive and being attractING; and yes, the clothes say it all. WE dress ourselves, and so WE decided what we wear therefore what we will portray with this look, this silent communication of body language.
For those who question this, just check out how may corporations south of the border (and here in Canada too!!) spend so much time and money sending their employees to seminar after seminar for Personal Development as well as for Personal Image Development seminars; the #s and the $$$s are astounding.
Depending on being around only intelligent people who are going to think X-way and only X-way is living in la-la land. We are not going to change the nature of the beast, so... Discreet is where we should meet.
Because even an 'intelligent warped' will appear anytime anywhere.
Who said the Yetzer HaRa was stupid??

(8) uri katz, February 12, 2008 1:28 PM

Lori, when I saw your headline I just had to let you know how appropriate that you posted this now. Thursday is the first yahrzeit of Rav Avrohom Blumenkrantz, ZTL. who used exactly those words when discussing tznious with his thousands of talmidos over the years.

(7) tracy, February 12, 2008 12:53 PM

very revealing subject

it's truly amazing how many women i know want to be attractive yet are attracting. it's a misguided notion that they are the same. i see so much heartache that my closest suffers because she is attracting men and wonders why they don't love her for who she is. it hurts, but at the same time, she won't hear about changing her wardrobe. sad how brainwashed we americans are about what is attractive.

thank you for the commentary. it's definitely needed in today's world.

(6) Yaakov, February 12, 2008 9:34 AM

Other dimensions in modesty

My family was on a plane recently. My 12-year old daughter pointed out to my wife that the frum lady in the aisle ahead of us, who was above the collar bone and below the knee and elbow, was wearing a tight white knit top through which you could see her black bra. Some of the girls she was chaperoning were wearing long but tight skirts. And the girls were attracting everyone's attention with their behavior.

There are many dimensions to modesty.

(5) malka, February 11, 2008 10:24 PM

good point

I agree, clothing that's revealing makes people concentrate on our body. Where as when we wear modest clothing, people are more able to concentrate on our inner beauty.
It's sad how we are seen nowadays as objects, but we need to take responsibilty and dress and act modestly so people focus on US and our mind and soul

(4) Yehoshua, February 11, 2008 1:03 PM

100 percent true

Listen, I come from California and everything was cool and acceptable. Nothing perturbed me. And that was the problem. Now that I live in Israel and have changed my valaue system and behavior according to Jewish law, I have been transformed to a person that all of the sudden can be made very upset or very attentive to provocative dress or showey mannerisms. And that is as it should be. I don't want to sound snotty or self-praising. I'm just using myself as an example here, okay? I think I am an improved personality due to the fact that immodesty bothers my being to the core.

Say you were born and raised in a murderous or crime ridden environment. And you got used to it to the point where it ceased to affect you on a conscience level. Pretty sad, no? Similarly, I belive it to be sad when a Jew is not irked by what should be considered irkful.
By the way, men of course are expected to be modest in attire and manerisms, the more that is covered and the less flashy-- the better! But like the rebbitzen says, none of the negates the value of being attractive- just don't try to show off in any way and be very careful-- wherever you are-- of making efforts to be fasionable or be like the goyim.
I've been there, and now I'm here. And my wife and I educate ourselves and our children to be extremely proud in our Jewish modesty-- be it in dress, behavior or self-assesment. The question is: who's in the center: G-d or me?

(3) Zvi, February 10, 2008 11:30 PM

New appreciation for the logic behind the laws of modesty

Having been in a situation where I live in a different city than my wife, for several months now, I have a new appreciation for the laws of modesty.

I do not live in an observant Jewish area. I find myself often seeing couples in the park, in restaurants, on the street, and it reminds me of my rather lonely existence these days.

The laws of modesty in Judaism, which include limits on public displays of affection, show a consideration for the feelings of those who may not be in the ideal relationship situation in their lives for whatever reason.

It has pragmatic value, and I appreciate it more now than ever before

(2) Alejandro Levy, February 10, 2008 10:50 PM


Dear Lory

I have always enjoyed your videos, but this time, I have to disagree with you.

I believe that an educated person will not have judge a woman not a girl, for what the person is wearing.

Yes, there is an age for everything; for sure 13 year old girls should be given more directions in life and should be told that showing a naked body is not the right way forward, but this is part of the education people should received at home and have nothing to do with been attractive or having to attract people.

I guess you could say the same about guys, what if I decide to go to the beach... Should I not take off my shirt just because someone will have a wicked thought?

It is all about home education and nothing to do with the clothing we are wearing.. or not wearing…

This is something for parents to think about?

(1) American Sabrah, February 10, 2008 8:51 AM

I completely agree with Reb.Palatkin on everything but she also left out a major fundemental point....

What about chasity in behaviour? Unfortunatly there are those whose clothing may meet the halachic standards of modesty but not their rambunctious personalities which can also draw unnecessary attention exspecially in public domains.


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