Video: The 24-Hour Rule

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Published: February 28, 2009

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Visitor Comments: 24

(24) iris Moskovitz, June 15, 2009 8:40 AM

As always-wonderful advice! How do you do it?

As usual, your perspective is given in such a beautiful and clear way. I love the 24 hour rule of your husband. I will try to incorporate it in our marriage. My husband will simply step out of the house, take a 20 minute walk, and come back refreshed.

(23) Tracy, March 12, 2009 5:04 PM

just don't begrudge

I think it is important that if you ARE going to sleep angry, that you are at least not punishing your spouse with your anger at the same time. Punishement by snide comments, snips, and silent treatment are not constructive. A person needs to try (yes, try, as hard as it may be) to reflect as to why they are angry, and to see the other person's side of the situation. step into their shoes before you rebuke so you can maybe see why they said or did the thing that angered you. i try not to go to bed angry. if for some reason you don't wake up, or they don't, do you really want that they last way you felt about your loved one??? anyway, that's me. good luck!

(22) Anonymous, March 8, 2009 12:16 PM

Thank you for adding in about abusive cases.

Thank you for adding in about abusive cases. When I was married, I read all the marriage books trying to find out what I should do in my case. No one mentioned that in abusive cases giving more doesn't help. Adding that in can help many people. I always look forward to listening to you and am so inspired by what you share.

(21) Anonymous, March 5, 2009 5:07 PM

new book

What's the title of your new book, Lori, and where can one get it? Thanks, as always, for good advice! Yosher koach.

(20) Anonymous, March 4, 2009 10:15 PM

morals in relationships

Dear Lori, I was reading an article written by George Will , which originally appeared in the Washington Post newspaper on February 26 . it was titled " Mindful eating, mindless sex." "As eating as become highly charged with moral judgements, sex has become notably less so and Eberstadt, a fellow at Stanford University's Hoover institution, thinks these trends involving primal appetites are related.'In 50 years, she writes,' for many people, 'the motral poles of sex and food have been reversed'. Today, there is, concerning food, a level of metaphysical attentiveness" previously invested in sex. If food is the new sex,Eberstadt asks, 'where does that leave sex?' She says it leaves much of sex dumbed down - junk sex akin to junk food. It also leaves sexual attitudes poised for a reversal. Abundant research has demonstrated that diet can have potent effects, beneficial or injurious. Now, says Eberstadt, an empirical record is being assembled about the societal costs of laiisez-faire sex...Today the "all-you-can eat buffet" is stigmatized and the "sexual smorgasbord" is not. Eberstadt writes: 'The rules being drawn around food receive some force from the fact that people are uncomfortable with how far the sexual revolution has gone- and not knowing what to do about it, theyturn for increasing consolation to mining morality out of what they eat.' Perhaps. Stigmas are compasses, ponting towards society's sense of its prerequisites for self-protection. Furthermore, as increasing numbers of people are led to a materilist understanding of life- who say not that "I have a body", but that "I am a body"- society becomes more obsessive about the body's maintenance. Alas, expiiration is written int the leases we have on our bodies, so Bon appetit." I haven't quoted the whole article, but you proably grasped the point. The last part about being or having a body sounds like Rav Noach zt'l speaking. It is an interesting article,worth elaborating on.

(19) Gaelle, March 4, 2009 5:27 PM

Where can we get this book????

(18) Anonymous, March 3, 2009 10:51 PM

This news is as old as pirkei avot

"There is nothing new under the sun" - We find in Pirkei Avot: Rabbi Shimon ben Elazar says: Do not appease your fellow in the time of his anger, do not console him while his dead lies before him, do not question him about his vow at the time he makes it, and do not attempt to see him at the time of his degredation. Our sages realized that people who are in a highly emotional state are not in the proper frame of mind to be able to deal with things rationaly. Lori has found a common situation that we can apply this wisdom to. The answers are there for us - we just have to realize it and find ways to apply them. Yashar kochah!

(17) Anonymous, March 3, 2009 6:31 PM

How to hold on

Dear Lori, I have always enjoyed your videos. I am glad that you mentioned in this one to sleep when we have something to decide about or any hurtful word to say. I have done that myself several times and really we usually have a better perspective in the morning or we just forget all about! A wonderful advice for everone!

(16) Sherri Gold, March 3, 2009 5:13 PM

Sandwich negative comments

Lori, I loved what you said about sandwiching criticism between compliments. Truth is, I saw that identical comment years ago in a book "Together We Are One". Chekc it out.

(15) Anonymous, March 3, 2009 2:58 PM

Can you tell the name of the book?

i loved this advice! Thank you!!!

(14) Esther Taratoot, March 3, 2009 2:48 PM

I loved this it reminds one to give positive things before you tell the person what he did to upset you so he is not so defensive, great advise and i am at many bridayl showers and everyone does say , Never go to bed angry, and i always thought how can you not sometimes. So i am happy to hear you say this, makes tons of sense to me thank you so much Esther Taratoot March 3, 2009

(13) Anonymous, March 3, 2009 2:18 PM

on sandwiches...

Actually, I prefer the open faced sandwich. Ever watch a student, (or whoever) shrivel through the preparatory compliment (whose tone they detect,) waiting for the BUT to drop? (I’m wondering if that even happens with your husband who is so good at it.) Tell it like it is, unstaged, and then put it in perspective with the good stuff. I believe that if the relationship is solid, if the love and trust are there to begin with, the ‘packaging’ isn’t necessary. Say what’s bothering ya, and lavish on the good stuff. Make it genuine to be enjoyed to the fullest. That way the thank yous will be real as well. Be'teavon.

(12) felice rosenblum, March 3, 2009 1:59 PM

arguments

lori, all i can say is that is excellent advise. felice

(11) Judy, March 3, 2009 1:56 PM

Thank You

This is all so true and can also be applied to all relationship situations, family, parents, siblings, friends, work. Especially saying Thank you. So Thank you.

(10) rochel, March 3, 2009 1:46 PM

Sandwich rebuke ...

Everyone has a hard time digesting that they've done something wrong. Sandwiching it with praise is a great idea-It should work great with kids! Now I just need some Siyata D'shmaya to think of the right things to say before and after the rebuke! Thanks Lori, you're the hilight on the Aish website!

(9) Shoshana, March 3, 2009 12:19 PM

going to sleep when angry

Thank you! what I've learned over the years not just in my marriage is if someone is angry at me or the other way around I either don't respond or I wait 'till I've cooled off then respond.

(8) Anonymous, March 3, 2009 11:57 AM

Validity of the Rule

The way I have heard the rule, it applies to following an argument between spouses. In this instance, it would seem advantageous to work things out before hitting the sack.

(7) Charles, March 3, 2009 9:35 AM

very but......

Hi
This is great advice. But when a relationship is so weighed down by by one partner seeing misfortune as tests from hashem and the other isn''t even interested *or* has no belief.
This will not work - why should it.Each party is on another level.Always enjoyable though!!!
Bes
t
c

(6) Yisroel Pollack, March 3, 2009 6:32 AM

The Joys of Anger

I enjoyed that very much, even though it doesn't apply to me, because I have no spouse, because I still haven't married and am having an awfully hard time finding someone who will consider marrying me. I think it is good advice, and that Mrs. Palatnik was at her best in presenting it. I wish her well. I imagine it must be real nice having someone to get angry with every so often. It far and away beats being alone without anyone with whom to share anything. May G-d bless us all.

(5) JJ, March 2, 2009 10:41 PM

I love this!

(4) chaya, March 2, 2009 3:12 AM

How do you hold it in?

I agree with this! My only problem is sometimes holding in the anger or hurt causes a VERY hard day and it is SOOOO hard to just continue and communicate as usual. If I'd be an angel or a robot, I could do it, but can you give advice on how to continue until the 24 hours is up?

(3) Anonymous, March 1, 2009 8:27 AM

alleviating anger, stress, and worry

One way of alleviating the grievances of stress, anger, and worry is to have a box and make scrap paper writing what has you worried by spending 25-30 mins. whenever needed if something is bothering you, which can alleviate the grief with these "worry notes". Additionally, you can write positive notes on a different colored set of paper about what you are thankful for that you have going for you. As for the worry notes, when you get back to them with either someone who cares or a social worker, you will see how much time you've consumed worrying in the form of "tea leaves"...For a quicker strategy on coping with stress, you could have a rubber band wrapped around your wrist and snap it whenever you feel frustrated with something or someone...In a marriage, open communication is key, where a couple should express how they feel so that there can be a channel to vent any frustrations. Love is flattering, but communication holds an almost equal amount of stability for a mutual relationship. Relationships and marriage are always a blessing so as long as one is looking forward to embracing another day with their significant other, especially if they share the same values such as marrying Jewish or any marital union between non-Jews marrying other non-Jews. BTW, Lori, I heard on Facebook that you will be attending my alma mater later this month, so I may join you in your forum by Hillel.

(2) Sam, March 1, 2009 4:24 AM

Your impact and reward is out of this world

I would like to suggest that you change your slogan to I'm Lori "Very" live. You're arguably the most influential women with such an astonishing impact, presenting the Jewish deep regal royalty at its best, which only a true woman of valor can possess. Keep on spreading your inspiring Jewish message with your fiery electrifying energy so we continue to grow and reach our potential. Thank you Lori!!! With much appreciation Sam

(1) s, March 1, 2009 3:45 AM

thanks

Nowadays, many people can't handle being told their mistakes because it's hard to listen to. But if we truely want to improve ourselves, we'll listen to advice others give us. Great message

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About the Author

Mrs. Lori Palatnik

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Lori Palatnik is a writer and Jewish educator who has appeared on television and radio, and is the author of "Friday Night and Beyond: The Shabbat Experience Step-By-Step," "Remember My Soul - What to do in Memory of a Loved One," and co-author of "Gossip: 10 Pathways to Eliminate It From Your Life and Transform Your Soul." She is a much sought-after international speaker, having lectured in the U.S., Canada, Mexico, U.K., Central America, South America, South Africa and Israel, including featured talks at Yale, Brown and Penn. She lives in the Washington D.C. area, with her husband, Rabbi Yaakov Palatnik. Lori is the Founder of The Jewish Women's Renaissance Project, an international initiative that brings over 1,000 women to Israel each year from ten different countries on highly subsidized programs to inspire them with the beauty and wisdom of their heritage. She is the busy mother of five children, ages 24 to 14; and her son, Zev, just finished serving as a sharpshooter in the IDF. Her weekly video blog, "Lori Almost Live" is a popular feature on aish.com, viewed by over 50,000 people each month.

Follow Lori on Twitter, @LoriAlmostLive

The 24-Hour Rule

Sometimes it's best to go to sleep angry.

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