Bite Your Tongue

I read recently that the average individual listens for 17 seconds before interrupting. The book didn't cite the study but my personal experience (and probably yours too) bears witness to this fact. How's that for a sobering statistic? How's that for a little reality check on our egos?

Many of us pride ourselves on being good listeners, on being nurturing and empathic friends. But the numbers tell a different story.

It's very hard not to interrupt. We have a personal experience to relate that's right on point. We have an insight that's too good not to share. We're excited. We're impatient. We're bored...we're self-centered.

How many times do you find yourself just waiting for someone to finish speaking (not really listening to what they have to say!) so it can be your turn? The truth is that if you wait until they're actually done, you should give yourself a pat on the back! How many times do you just jump in, unable to wait a second longer?

We rationalize the importance of what we have to say. We imagine being branded socially inept if we aren't an involved participant in every conversation.

Real relationships are forged when caring is expressed through listening.

But it's all a façade. The main reason we continue to interrupt and to do it so frequently is because we're so focused on ourselves. What counts is me. What matters are my thoughts and my expression of them.

It's so hard to keep quiet, to bite our tongues, to hold the words back.

I was thinking about this idea when I went to pay a shiva call today. Jewish law teaches that the conversation is in the hands of the mourner. If he wants to speak, he does. If he wants silence, the room is quiet. Not only is there no obligation on the visitors to keep up a steady stream of conversation but if they do, it's jarring. It removes the focus from the departed loved one to, at worst, the trivial and to, at best, the interests of the speaker. Everyone can understand that this is inappropriate. Being the "life of the party" full of witty repartee is not a recognized value in a shiva home. Here real friendship and empathy are expressed by silence.

But this understanding is not limited to moments of pain and tragedy. Focusing on our own social standing and clever conversation may make us briefly popular. But real relationships are forged when caring is expressed through listening, when my needs are subjugated to yours, when I'm focused on helping you and not on my thoughts on ideas, when I keep my mouth shut.

It's not easy to be a good listener. It's not easy to be a good friend. But not interrupting is definitely a good place to start.

(8) , September 7, 2009 3:13 PM

I do it all the time , but this is going to change , from now on I make my self a promise to be a better listener and not to be in such a hurry to interrupt

(7) , August 21, 2009 3:11 AM

Emuna, as always you are right on target! Thanks for sharing your wisdom time and again.

(6) Anonymous, August 20, 2009 1:18 PM

Great article

Right, two ears to listen so we should listen twice as much as we speak. I'll do my best to take this to heart. Thanks for the reminder!!!

(5) Rachelli, August 20, 2009 2:13 AM

Great Article

Insightful and thought-provoking. I will definitely think twice before interrupting. Thanks!

(4) Anonymous, August 18, 2009 9:07 PM

What a nice "short and sweet" inspiring piece. Bravo!

(3) SusanE, August 18, 2009 3:04 PM

Thank you - Great Truth here Emuna.

I know what you mean, Emuna. It's a me me me world out there. No one really listens, and most conversations are spent with planning on what you want to say next instead of listening to the other person. I think that is why I like the internet communication and Aish articles and videos so much. We can concentrate on the content and no one, including myself interrupts the speaker. I didn't listen for years. While another person was talking I was thinking about what to contribute so I didn't look stupid in a conversation. Well, just the opposite happened. I learned NOTHING from others and sounded stupid cause for not listening, I didn't know what the conversation was all about. Boy was that a revelation when It finally dawned on me. "Other people have wonderful things to say" "Other people say things that I need to hear and understand". Most times a smile or nod of the head is all the contribution that is necessary. Learned much by taking a Mussar course here how selfisih I was. (make that Am) We all want to be validated by sharing our thoughts and ideas. And that is a good thing. But there is a time and place to do that. Some people (me) are slow learners. Thank you for writing about a very important subject.

(2) Sharona, August 17, 2009 8:55 AM

Lately I've been noticing how much I interrupt people, but I keep pushing it to the back of my head. Your article is very amazing. It is helping me realize that I want to make this a priority in my life. THANK YOU!

(1) Esther, August 16, 2009 10:51 AM

Thank you so much! This is just what I needed to read at this moment. Keep up the good work B"H!