Telling Jokes

brilliant

Good riddle. took me a minute..but its not mathematical at all. You simply twisted things around in a way that easily fools the reader. The $5 was SUBTRACTED from the initial $30, so when you subtract the $3 given back, you don't then ADD the $2 to it, but subtract it as well. So it's not $27 2..it's $27-2=$25.

A Braslover chassid and an Lubavitch chassid both pass away at the same time. Unfortunately, they are both going down not up. The Braslover calls out, "Reb Nachman, Reb Nachman." Immediately he hears Reb Nachman's voice asking, "Where are you?" "I am on the road to Gehenom" he answers. A hand reaches out from Shamayim, grabs the chassid by the payout, and pulls him into Shamayim. Of course the Chabadnik then calls out, "Rebbe, Rebbe." He then hears the Rebbe's voice ask, "Where are you?" He answers, "I am going to Gehenom." The Rebbe then asks him, "Is there a Chabad House there yet?'

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying “A dollar per point.” The next class the professor handed the graded tests back out. This student got back his test, his test grade, and $64 change.

i am translating this from russian so i hope the humor sticks: a man comes home in an extremely excited state. his wife sees him and says "honey what is it?" he yells "i won the lottery! pack your bags!" she screams "oh my G-d! what kind of stuff should i pack? summer stuff? winter stuff?" he replies "pack ALL your stuff and get out!!!"

Lori, thank you so much for all your uplifting and learning short videos. You have a beautiful smile, I think you should also use it when you sign off on each video -

This joke is sooooo bad, it is funny. What did the snail say when riding the turtle? Weeeeeeeeeee!

we have already had this one

i was walking down the street and saw another man on a street corner smoking 2 cigarettes. he asked the man why. the man explained, "my brother is in jail and can't smoke there so i smoke one for him and one for him." the next week he saw the man on that same street corner again. he was smoking ONE cigarette this time. "oh, your brother got let out of jail?" i asked. "no," the man replied, "I QUIT SMOKING."

One comment: I don't think, Lori, that the rabbis said that every lecture must start with a joke. The g'mara relates that a certain rabbi started each shiur with a witty or humorous comment. Here's a joke: Little Irving is flunking math. His parents have tried everything from tutors, to drills. They hear that Catholic Schools have the best math teachers and so, reluctantly, they decide to try it as a last resort and enroll Irving in the local Catholic School. To their amazement, Irving''s math grades go up. When they asked little Irving what caused the improvement, he answered: "Well, dad, when you drove me up to the school and I see this guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they mean business here!

A duck walks into a a bar and asks the bar tender, "Got any gwapes?" The bar tender says, "No, we only sell licker here. Sorry." The next day, the duck comes back and says, "Got any gwapes?" The bar tender says, "I already told you; we don't sell grapes here!" The duck comes back the next day and says, "Got any gwapes?" The bar tender says, "I already told you! No! If you come back one more time I'm going to nail you to the ground!" The next day, the duck comes back and asks, "Got any nails?" The bar tender says, "No, why?" The duck says, "Got any gwapes!"

Two car electrical leads walked into an English Pub, the barman said i will serve you but don't START anything.

A man dies and goes to heaven and all of his friends go to the other place. G-d welcomes him and gives him a lovely meal of a tuna fish sandwich. He then looks down and sees his friends dining on steak and lobster. He then says to G-d, "How come my friends down there get good stuff to eat and I'm in heaven and get tunafish?" G-d then replies, "To tell you the truth, I didn't want to fuss for just the 2 of us."

A Rabbi, a Priest and a Minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says,"what is this a joke."

A scrambled egg, a piece of toast and a glass of orange juice walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast here."

-Have you heard that joke about the stupid Jew? -No, -No wonder, it does not exist!

We once had a lecture from a rav and told us a joke, and said "i know im going to get in trouble if i tell you this," and in between laughs, he sais: "whats the difference between a vulture and a mother in law?" "a vulture picks on people when there dead"

There were once 3 men, and they were all about to be killed, because of a crime they did. They all made a plan to say something scary just when the guy is about to shoot, so he'll get scared, and won't kill them. The first guy went and he screams- TORNADO! The shooter got scared and ran. The second guy comes and screams- VOLCANO!, and again the other shooter got scared and ran. The third guy came, and screams- FIRE! can you guess why he was the only one who got killed?

Once upon a time, in Medieval Europe, lived a Duke who was very sociable with his peer lords. He attended balls, celebrations and other fanfares that the noblemen were accustomed to. He also had a son who entered manhood but was a bit on the "not bright side". He did not engage in any conversations or discourses. His father hired someone to teach him witty jokes that he could repeat at these events and so fit in. He was asked by this person - "How many eggs can you eat on empty stomach?". "5" He replied. He was told that the correct answer was "1" because once you ate one egg your stomach was no longer empty. He laughed and said "Thanks - I'll remember that one". Well, at the next ball after being introduced by his father the Duke he asked one of the crowd "How many eggs can you on an empty stomach? "4" was the reply. He said "Shucks - if you would have said '5' I would have had a nice joke for you".

I think you 've meant: the Israeli asks: "What's "excuse me?"

aaaa!!!!!!!! can any one find an answer to that??? i cant figure it out!!!!!

There were two skunks; "In" and "Out". When In was in, Out was out. When In was out, Out was in. How did Out find In?.................................. Punchline= instincts ( In-stinks)

1]] what do you get when you cross a rabbit with a chicken? NISHTA HEN, NISHTA HARE! 2] what do you call the wife in a jewish divorce? -PLAINTIFF-. 3] according to jewish doctrine, when is a fetus considered a viable human being? -WHEN IT GRADUATES FROM MED SCHOOL! 4] A wealthy older jewish couple were discussing their upcomming 30th wedding anniversary... morty turns to sylvia, what can i do to make you happy this year darling?? a nice diamond rolex....maybe a new sable coat?....I know, that new jaguar convertible!!!!???? Look morty, what i really want from you is a DIVORCE!! gee whizz , says morty, I wasn't planning to spend that much!!!

Q: What do Grateful Dead fans say when they run out of drugs? A: Hey man...This music sucks!

When is a door not a door? (When it's ajar) If Caine had divorced his wife, would they still be brother and sister??? If a man, alone in the forest, states an opinion, and his wife isn't there to hear it, is he still wrong??

A rabbi, frustrated by the lack of attention paid to his sermons, decides to take a Shabbos off from shul and go to the golf course. The angels on high are mortified and begin complaining to hashem. "Look at him" ,they shout. " He's violating the day of rest" "We have to do something" "Don't worry" Hashem says. I have the perfect punishment for him. As the angels watch the Rabbi steps up to address the ball on the first tee. Hashem looks on lovingly as the ball is struck with firm precision and sails straight for the edge of the green and rolls neatly into the hole. The angels, with unbelief , ask Hashem, "What kind of punishment is that?" " You gave him a hole in one!" They then notice that insted of being elated the Rabbi is so upset that he can't continue the game. The angels are puzzeled. Hashem with all his wisdom says, "see, we have given him what every golfer wants, but, who can he brag too?"

Why didn't the teddy bear want any more Shabbos food? He was already stuffed.

Two beggars sit on a street corner in a small town in the midwest begging for money. One beggar has a sign with a big cross on it and asking people to spare their change by the name of JC, their lord. The second beggar also has a sign but with a Jewish Star on it, asking people for their change in the name of Moses. The first beggar's bucket is full of coins while the second one's is empty. A priest passe by, stops at the second beggars and says to him: "Let me give you some advice, my brother, this is a Christian town, populated by good hearted Christian people. It is obvious that they will give their money to the beggar next to you. Furthermore, when they see your sign, they will give even more to the other guy. You may want to re-consider your sign." The second beggar turns to the first one and says: "Hey Moishe, look who's trying to teach us marketing..."

Three men share a room in a motel for $30, and each pays $10. Due to a partial water outage the manager decides to refund them $5 and sends the bellhop to deliver the $5. The bellhop figures that just to be safe he'll take his $2 tip in advance and he gives them back $3 which they then share. So now each one has paid $9 for a total of $27. The bellhop has $2 for a total of $29. Where did the missing dollar go??

An old lady goes to the doctor complaining she can't hear. The doctor checked her ear, and what do you know! He pulled out a suppository!! The lady, without pausing, says, "So that's what I did with my hearing aid!?!

A joke I use to help people see how they are swatting flies that are imaginary - being prickly with people who love them - out of fear that these people will not be there for them: Once a young farmer broke his axe, and he trudged up a long rocky hill to a neighbor to ask him to please lend him an axe. The whole way there, he was picturing the worst. He imagined his old neighbor giving him all kinds of excuses rather than being kind and helpful. He got to his neighbor's door and anxiously knocked. It took a while until the old farmer opened his door. By that time our hero was in a frenzy of fear and anger. When his neighbor opened the door he spat these words at him: "You can keep your d---ed axe!" - turned around and went home, leaving the old man puzzled and astounded.

One day this lady went to her refrigerator and when she opened the door she found a rabbit in it. So she asked the rabbit, "what are you doing in my refrigerator?" And the rabbit looked up at her a little confused and said, "I'm westing, this is a Westinghouse isn't it?"

what did the snail say when it was on the turtle's back?.......................wwwwwwwwwweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee :)

A Priest, Rabbi and Minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them as says "is this a joke?"

dont know if this is even true... To make fun, one year a Jew-hater sent a Rabbi mishloach manot on purim with a picture of a pig inside. Later on in the day the Rabbi sent back mishloach manot with a picture of himelf. When the Jew-hater asked why he sent a picture of himself, the Rabbi replied "Well, you sent a picture of yourself so i did the same" :) thanx Lori for your amazing videos!!!!

A guy sees his doctor and tells him., "It huts when I move my arm this way". The doctor responds, Then don't move your arm that way".

There are passive-aggressive types who are chronic teasers and their teasing is really used to mask hostile feelings. I have been the victim of teasers and the sad thing is that most people condone and even laugh along with the teaser. They can always hide behind the line, "I was just kidding!" They are not "just kidding." They are using deceptive tactics to hurt. Yes, humor, can be used for best reasons, BUT, when humor even borders on "laitzones," it comes within the realm of embarrassing a person which is very serious sin.

Hey Lori.. Before I tell you my joke, I've just gotta tell you what happened when watching your video.. I heard the 1st number (103) then the 2nd (37), then you said that the guy wanted to try it himself......... 42, I thought...........then you said "42"... Wow!!!!!.. Amazing!.. Of all the numbers I could have thought of, & I go and pick that one!!!.. Oo-er!... I reckon we must be on the same wavelength!...... Now for my English-type joke (please don't cry!): "Two TV aerials decided to get married... Great Wedding... terrible Reception!" (er...sorry about that everyone!) :)

A Jewish man marries an Indian (Native American) woman. They have a son, what can we name him that reflects each background ? They named him Whitefish.

An old Jewish man sat down in a subway train and noticed an old black man sittinig next to him, reading a Yiddish newspaper. The old Jew looked and looked at the man reading the Yiddish newspaper and kept wondering to himself, "What's this guy doing, reading a newspaper in MY language." Finally after the inner tension became to great, the old Jew spoke to the black man and said, "ENSHULDIGT. ICH ZEY AS IHR LEHNT A YIDISHER TSAYTUNG. EFSHER ZINT IRH A YID?" The black man looked at the old Jew and said, NUR DOS FEYLT MIR!"

One of my favorite jokes is: A small girl in kindergarten is coloring a picture. As her teacher walks around the room, she pauses at her desk and asks, "So, what are you coloring?" "A picture of G-d," she answers. "But no one knows what He looks like," the teacher says. "They will now," the girl happily replies. :)

There are three men standing on the corner, an American, a Russian, a Chinese person and an Israeli. A reporter comes by and says:" Excuse me, what is your opinion of the meat shortage"? The American says, "Whats shortage"?, the Russian says"whats meat"?, The Chinese person says, "Whats opinion:?, The Israeli says, "Whats opinion"?

tThis is an oldie but a goodie. The Israeli Airforce has a new plane, but every time it reaches a certain hight in the air, the wings break off. They call in all sorts of engineers and other specialists, but no one can figure how to fix the plane so this won't happen. Finally, they call in a rabbi to bless the plane, hoping this might help. The rabbi says,"I'll be happy to bless your plane, but I have a suggestion for you. Drill a series of holes into the wings forming parallel lines." Everybody thinks the rabbi is nuts, but they've tried everything else, so they figure, might as well try this, too. Amazingly, the plane goes up in the air, higher and higher, and not a problem. The head of the air force goes up to the rabbi and exclaims, "Rabbi, you've made a miracle! How did you know this would work?" The rabbi answered, "It was simple. Have you ever tried to crack a matzah on one of those little lines?"

Two lines form in heaven. One has a sign "Hen-Pecked Husbands" The other for the other kind. The Hen-Pecked Husbands line is long with standing men. The other line has one man on it. "What are you doing here?" they ask him. "My wife told me to stand here." (My father (a chashuva rav) told this over at my huband's aufruf seuda when my mother made him move where he was speaking!)

#39 - 41 !!!! :-)

That prisoner did a poor job, but when Lori said "42", we in cell block 16 were pishing.

i enjoyed this divar torah i heard it also on project sinai and i enjoyed it also

two men walk into a room lol haha that is the joke because there is no punch line

hilarious Go into comedy you'd make a killing (possibly your own)

I know too many jokes to have a favorite. It's like asking which is your favorite food, or (chulilah) child. Each has a special place. But here goes with one I like. A man falls over a cliff, but grabs on to a shrub just as he goes over the side, and id dangling there below the edge. "Help, help!" he cries. "Is any one up there to help me?" A deep booming voice is heard" "Moishe, it's me, G-d! Let go of the the branch and I will carry you back up to the top". There is a long silence as Moishe hangs there with nothing but air beneath his feet. Finally he calls out: "Is there anyone else up there?"

A king of ancient times had a manservant with the most positive attitude you could possibly imagine. No matter what happened, the manservant would always say, "Things are as they should be." One day the king went hunting and the manservant was along to help the king. The king was attacked by wild animals and one of them ripped off his left foot. Had the manservant not intervened, the king would have perished. The king lamented over his lost foot and the manservant replied to the king, "Things are as they should be." The king was furious and told the manservant,"When we get back home, you're going to prison." The manservant was thrown into to prison and the king forgot about him over time. Quite some time passes and the king goes on another hunting trip. This time he encounters cannibals who are intent on having him for dinner, but when they see that he his missing a foot, they immediately let him go. The cannibals will not eat an imperfect captive, they decide to eat his current manservant instead. He was not missing any of his parts. When the king returned home from his trip, he immediately went the prison and had his old manservant released from jail. The king told the manservant his story about his latest hunting trip and thanked him for his many years of faithful service to the king. The king then said, "Things really are as they should be." I love this story. I really think it illustrates how G_d is driving the bus and we're along for the ride. We may not know why things happen to us in life, but everything happens for a reason, it is all according to the divine plan.

An elderly lady comeis into the senior center wearing a mink coat. Another woman remarks, "Oy, that's a gorgeous coat. Where did you get such a coat?" "From mine boyfriend." What did you have to do for it" "I had to let down the sleeves a little bit."

Joke #1: A wife says to her husband: "You don't like anyone on my side of the family!" The husband replies: "That is not true, I like YOUR mother-in-law better then I like my own." Joke #2: An old woman gets on a bus and sees that all the seats are taken. She says to someone: "If you knew what I had, you would let me have your seat." So the person says to her: "of course mam!" And he gives her the seat. The bus driver was a block from the old woman's home. He stopped at the woman's bus stop, she went up to him and said to the driver: "If you knew what I had you would drive me right to my home." He said to her: "Of course!" When he pulled up to her house and she got off the bus, she was just about to go inside her home when the bus driver called out: "Hey lady! What DO you have?" And this is what she said to him: "Chutspah!"

There is a big difference between a joke and a statement that mocks. The Talmud teaches that to mock - to chip away at the honor / intrinsic worth that all creations have - is the trait of the laitz; the scoffer or mocker. The Torah teaches that one who is characterized by that trait - the trait of laitzanut - will not merit some aspect of eternity that other beings will (perhaps by virtue of their seed continuing). Most of the jokes submitted seem to fall into this category. Some, in the worst form possible; making fun of long-held other religions or practices of our own people such as those followed when looking for a suitable match for our children. One of the greatest Rabbis of the past 50 years once commented that many people mix up the rules of picking an Etrog for the holiday of Succot and for picking a wife. We are supposed to look for the most beautiful Etrog and good lineage in a wife. Unfortunately, too many people do the opposite.

Question: Why do Jews have a tendency to answer a question with a question? Answer: Why not?

This "opener" teaches about gratitude. Once again the purpose of the light word is to open up the audience to the topic and to get them to realize there is much to learn about. Visiting a local farmer, the man noticed a pig missing one leg. Curious, the man asked the owner about the sight. The farmer began telling an amazing tale about how this pig had save him from a combine, one of his children from a fire, and the entire household from a band of armed robbers. As this did not seem to explain the missing leg, the man asked more directly. This time the farmer provided the answer. "A pig that has done so much for your family, to who we owe so much . . . you cannot eat all at once!

A very well know Rabbi and author once asked his students, as he was abut to begin a talk, if anyone had a good joke to tell. He explained that there were ground rules, however. The joke could not be offensive to any group of people, could not be off-color, and had to have a lesson attached to it. Apparently no one present was able to meet those conditions, so the Rabbi said he would provide the humor that evening. I think we can see from here what the Talmud meant. The "joke" is not to get a laugh out of the crowd. In fact the Talmud prohibits one to fill his mouth with laughter. It probably means to use a parable/fable/story in order to drive a point home that dry facts or hard rebuke may not have done. Having said that, here are two examples. I hope they will be helpful to you. Flood waters were threatening the entire town. Everyone had evacuated except one individual. He had already retreated to his second floor when a boat came by. The motor-man begged him to come aboard. the man replied, "I have always been a man of faith. G-d will certainly save me. Some time later, left with no choice, he is no in his attic. Another boat rides by and again the driver begs the man to come aboard. One again he replies that he attended services religiously, prays every day, and has complete faith that G-d will save him. It was not long before the man was holding on for dear life to the top of his chimney. Now a helicopter hovered overhead, dropped a rope ladder and ordered the man to come up. He refused, this time explaining that he "had always tithed his money for charitable causes and he was sure that G-d would save him. Well, as he approached the pearly gates he was, by now, quite upset. how could G-d have forsaken a man who showed such faith even while facing sure death. He voiced his complaint. The booming, heavenly voice replied, "Who do you think sent you the two boats and the helicopter? We'll let the teacher find the appropriate lesson.

Would Most People Date Anyone In The Torah? There's Avraham Avinu - he seems to be frum but really he's a BT and his father made idols, not our kind... next Yitzchak Avinu - well his grandfather made idols, there was all that nastiness with Lot and his half brother is an arab. Yaakov Avinu - His great-grandfather made idols, his brother went off the derech, his mother comes from a very treyfe family and he wasn't shomer negiah with Rachel Imeinu before they were married and he spent a lot of time with his uncle who's mammesh a rasha. Yosef HaTzaddik - his mother had an idol once and she died early, plus he's a slave and his brothers don't like him, must be something in that and with all the issues with Avraham Avinu and Yitzchak and Yaakov Avinu... better not to Moshe Rabbeinu - Oy, what a maaseh!!! his parents seperated, then they got back together, his parents abandoned him, put him in a basket, he was raised by goyim... not our kind for sure. he may be close to Hashem but his background is so problematic we wouldn't want him in our family! Caleb's descendants - we don't want to marry into that family enough said. David HaMelech - Descended from a Geyoret, not our kind of people. Sure a few generations have gone by but all things being equal shouldn't we look for someone with a more 'jewish' background. Shlomo HaMelech - See above, also his mother's marriage was very dubious, he is rich though but the yichus and family background is very tricky.

What did the green grape say to the purple grape? BREATHE! BREATHE!

I alway aprreciate your talks, Lorry, thanks a lot. Here is a lovely joke I heard several years ago. The American President and the Israeli Prime minister meet in the USA for peace talks. After a while the Israeli prime minister asks the US goverrnment for permission to phone Hashem for advise. Obviously he is granted permission and promised to get the bill as he insists, since he doesn't want to owe the US government any favors. After a 5 minute conversation with Hashem, he is presented with a bill of a $1000.-, which he promptly pays. A few months later the American president comes to Israel for further peace talks with the Israeli prime minister. Also he asks after some time to converse with Hashem for full pay of the phone bill. His conversation lasts over half an hour, and he prepares to pay a hefty price. The bill is presented to him: NIS 1.-. He says: " This can't be, I spoke over half an hour to G'd". The response he receives is: "It's a local call".

I believe this incident actually occurred but its still a good laugh. A Rabbi was walking along the barbed wire fence of the concentration camp he was in when a Nazi appeared on the other side. Jokingly the Nazi asked"Jew, what separates a Jew from a pig."The Jew answered simply"a fence".

What I have got to say is not actually a joke but a comment on the importance of laughter in Judiasm.Our name for our second patriarch is Yitzchak which means 'you will laugh'.This symbolised the joy of Abraham and Sarah at Yitzchak's miraculous birth.We can also learn something else from our forefathers.Abraham symbolised complete faith in HaKadosh Baruch Hu.When we have true emuna we can laugh with joy-Yitzchak.This will then lead to Yaakov-humility,truth,beauty and love

Jesus walked into the Inn and placed 3 large nails down on the counter and asked the clerk "Can you put me up for the night?"

A Zen master is visiting New York City from Tibet. He goes up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything." The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen master, who pays with a $20 bill. The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. "Where's my change?" asks the Zen master. The vendor responds, "Change must come from within."

"If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane." - Jimmy Buffett

An ingenious example of speech and politics occurred recently in the United Nations Assembly and made the world Community smile. A representative from Israel began: 'Before beginning my talk I want to tell you something about Moses. When he struck the rock and it brought forth water, he thought, 'What a good opportunity to have a bath!' He removed his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the water. When he got out and wanted to dress, his clothes had vanished. A Palestinian had stolen them.' The Palestinian representative jumped up furiously and shouted, 'What are you talking about? The Palestinians weren't there then.' The Israeli representative smiled and said, 'And now that we have made that clear, I will begin my speech.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. 'The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.' Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry..... How soon can I go home?'

While non-Jews split a pig at a BBQ, Jews split a pig at the bank.