Contempt in Marriage
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Contempt in Marriage
Mom with a View

Contempt in Marriage

This most destructive trait can also be insidious.

by

I’m going to cite John Gottman again – but from a totally different angle. When discussing the types of harsh interactions that can be, God forbid, the most significant predictors of divorce, there is one trait that seems to be the worst of all – contempt.

Treating your spouse with contempt damages both your marriage (and your spouse) in ways that make it hard to recover, unless dramatic change occurs.

Contempt is expressed in multiple ways – through words, tone, eye-rolling, dismissive gestures and so on. Contempt signals disgust. Contempt signals my superiority and your inferiority. Contempt destroys both of you.

Maybe you’re not even aware you’re displaying contempt. Some women think it’s cute to roll their eyes when their husbands talk about how they help around the house or with the kids. Some men have no perspective on the challenges of pregnancy, childbirth and child-raising and exhibit disgust at their wife’s physical appearance or the messy state of the house.

Both sides may be behaving like their parents or their friends or even their favorite television couple. They may be doing what they believe is expected of them. (Can I just state here for hopefully the last time that it is not funny or appropriate when women refer to their husbands as one of their children!)

Contempt can be insidious. It wears the recipient down bit by bit, day by day. Unless one party finally says, “I can’t take it anymore.” And the funny thing is that their spouse is usually surprised. It’s been the status quo for so many years that no one even noticed something was wrong. On the surface anyway.

But the internal toll is incalculable. I watched a couple like this. When I met them, the husband was a quiet, slightly morose, almost non-existent presence. But after enduring 25 years of his wife’s contempt, he found the strength to fight back. Unfortunately at that point he was no longer open to reconciliation. They got divorced and he remarried. He is a different person today – outgoing and effervescent. The contempt had taken a high toll – on him and on their children.

But it doesn’t have to be like this. As mentioned in my previous article, we can change. And the earlier we make a decision to, the better. Yes, some people have a hard time changing. The more deeply ingrained the character trait, the harder it is. But what if they had tried? What if, in the early days of their marriage, this man had said to his wife, “I love you but it’s painful when you speak to me that way”? Or “I hope to be married to you for many years. We need to find a more positive way to communicate.” Or “Let’s get some professional help so our interactions will be more satisfying to both of us.”

We get stuck on our patterns – even if they are unhealthy ones. But we need to “unstick” ourselves. We need to believe in our ability to change and in the prospect of a new way of being.

Dr. Gottman is right – contempt can destroy a marriage. But it is possible to show both sides a different approach. It is possible that with sincere effort and good advice, their communication can improve. I love the column in Ladies Homes Journal, “Can This Marriage Be Saved?” If both sides are willing to put in the time and effort and really want to change, the answer would be an unequivocal yes.

Published: January 19, 2013


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Visitor Comments: 10

(8) tdr, January 25, 2013 4:53 PM

Thumbs up for John Gottman

I just want to say how gratifying it is to see John Gottman referenced in any discussion on marriage. There are Gottman Institute counselors around and the Gottman's have written many helpful books. I highly recommend this organic approach to learning how to communicate in a way that fosters closeness.

(7) Anonymous, January 24, 2013 1:58 PM

one who finds fault, should look at themselves

Sometimes, you feel that your spouse has contempt for you, but it is b/c you have contempt for them and are reading contempt in to their tone or gestures when none exists at all. Show your spouse love and respect and they will immediately respond in kind. It is for sure helpful to tell them it bothers you when... but it must start from you changing your attitude towards your spouse.

Mary Ann, March 3, 2013 6:24 PM

insidious

#7 After 23 years of respect,love and caring ,it is foolish to make statements that the spouse "will immediately respond in kind". It is an assumption.It does not necessarily happen that way. The spouse can presume that after so many years of marriage,that there is nothing wrong with them since they're successful in business,and what is the other going to do about it anyway.They could see themselves as perfect and even arrogantly say, I am not going to change. So in this case it is strength and courage that one musters up and ends a relationship that could have been good if the two would have wanted to tango instead of only one .It is always better to be honest in a genuine attempt, to rekindle a lost communication and respect. Children whether they are adult, teen, or young...do suffer greatly in a breakup. It leaves them scared and scarred,to some degree.

Veruka Salt, January 4, 2014 12:44 PM

Happy When Parents Split Up

Mary Ann-
Agree with you across the board, with the exception of "children suffer greatly in a breakup" - not always. I was THRILLED when my parents split: the house was calmer and more predictable. I think it's important that one parent not "vanish" and that the one remaining with the child is the more stable one.

(6) Chana, January 24, 2013 3:34 AM

“I hope to be married to you for many years" is a dangerous phrase, since it shakes the foundation of the marriage – feeling of security and commitment to be together no matter what. After hearing such a phrase, I will have a feeling that my spouse is trying our marriage – let’s see if it will work -I will stay in this marriage and if not - I will walk out. Many years ago, I read an article at Aish - “Have You Found Your Soul-Mate?” by Rabbi Aryeh Pamensky – he writes about this issue - you can find it on Aish. Speak directly about what bothers you, but don’t start with: “I hope to be married to you for many years". I am 49, married woman with children.

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