Online Dating & Jewish Marriage

The main thing is that no matter how we come together, we should look for what's important like good character traits, and similar goals etc

I met my husband of 21 years through a personal ad that I placed in a newspaper. That method in the eighties was tantamount to meeting someone through the internet dating sites of today. We have a great relationship and continue to grow in our love.

Hi. I had a really tough situation. The type of guys I felt I should be redt were not being redt to me. Obviously Hashem felt it wasn't my time yet. And for all you single ladies out there, and I tell everyone this - when I felt as though the gates of Heaven - as far as a bashert for me - was closing - Hashem sent the shaliach Frumster and my husband of three years - ad meah v'esrim, looked me up there and the rest is what I believe a true match made in heaven. My father amush said then and continues to say ' l'foom tzaara agra'. How true. Rabbi Salomon - People can meet in the traditional heimish way - and not know truly what their values are as well. I think Hashem created this new form of dating - just as He allowed scientists and doctors to do transplants and the like. I am sure there was controversy about these new scientific advancements in the Jewish community - but they have saved thousands of people's lives as has online frum dating. No one should discount its toeles to yiddishkeit in this day and age.

Rabbi Salomon, I whole heartedly agree with you, but dating sites are one and only one in a whole host of ways people can meet. My feeling is that in modern times it has become more difficult to meet people and this is where dating sites can play a role. Having said that it's important to go beyond this initial introduction and explore whether or not two people share common values beyond "ice cream flavors." I had very limited experience with online dating but was deterred by some of the policies of JDate and the likes and know a lot of people feel the same way so I created my own: http://JewishAmericanSingles.com. Dating sites can only offer an introduction and it is up to the individuals to determine if they share common values, but having this avenue to meet your potential beshert will help make matches. While it can not replace matchmakers if we make a few good matches all the effort becomes worthwhile. I do hope you will consider taking a look at JewishAmericanSingles.com on the web or via the brand spanking new iPhone app I've developed and help me spread the word with your sentiment regarding common values included. Thank you and all the best!

After experiences with matchmakers, shul events, classes, and well-intentioned friends, I decided to forge ahead online to find my beshert on JDate. It was easy to rule out the obviously inappropriate, tricky to weed out the maybes, and hard work to find the right one. BH, I found the man who shared my Jewish values, love for family, and respect for a relationship. It didn't matter that we liked some different things, what mattered was that we wanted the same outcome - a commitment to marriage, Jewish life and lots of fun and laughter along the way. It was extra challenging because we lived on opposite coasts. We are in our 60's and are now married for almost 3 years, Baruch Hashem! A friend told me, "Hashem knows how many people you will meet before you find your bashert. Each one brings you one closer." Don't give up!

my best friend met her husband online. They are happily married for 10 years now. So I guess it works... sometimes.

Rabbi, I have never used an online dating service (I have been with my spouse for almost 30 years.) But it sounds like you have identified a real need. Just think, with your background as a rabbi and a psychologist and a technology savvy Internet video blogger, you would seem to have the perfect experience to build a site that will focus on the really important issues. You should consider building Aish Dot Date, the dating site with a Jewish focus that goes beyond the superficial and enjoys real success by addressing really important points of compatibility and values. This is something to think about.

When my wife I initially "met" online, she was still in law school in Boston while I lived in Philly, so for the first month or so, our contact was strictly via e-mail. This worked to our long-term advantage, as it enabled us to ask questions about each other and learn about each other *before* meeting in real life. We did, hit it off as well in person as we did in e-mail, discussed some of the very values issues which Rabbi Solomon discusses... and, almost 10 years later, we're still in love.

For 2 years I dabbled with Frumster and SYAS. But what was critical was working on me and rebuilding my life after escaping an abusive first marriage. Life is too short to make the same mistakes. His story? He found me on Frumster 3 days after receiving his Get. Talk about a miracle! We were prudent, involved our rabbis, checked references, shared important details. It is not an obvious match because our interests are very different. What we share in common is more important, our goals and commitment to a life of growth through Torah and Yiddishkeit. Though Frumster claims us as a successful statistic, Hashem is really the matchmaker. For all those still looking, have emunah and be open to seeing yourself and your bashert differently.

I met a marvelous man on Match.com 7 years ago but he unfortunately passed away last year. The internet can be a great opportunity for meeting new people and learning new things. I never would have met Dan otherwise and I am grateful he came into my life.

I agree one must be very careful with online dating as phone conversations are definitely different than relating in person. I am married over 7 years from an online dating site. B"H we are happy but there was certainly a transition period as we learned how to communicate in person. Just for the record, we also took on the blending of his large family and my large family, which has also B"H been successful. Actually I would have to say it was much more difficult for us as the married couple, than for the kids.Blending of the kids became a joint project for us and fortunately we found we worked well together

You paint with online dating with a very broad brush. "This is how online dating sites match people." SOME do, some are faith and/or value based. There is a dating site for just about any criteria you want to evaluate people on. Yes, most people do go the "easy" route that doesn't require self-reflection. People do that in non-online dating also. It's not the medium that is at fault. P.S. My husband & I met 7 years ago on a faith-based online dating site.

I have heard of many couples who met online and are experiencing wonderful marriages, B"H. I met my husband online a little more than 3 years ago and after getting to know each other very well, we got married at the end of August. I moved to Brooklyn, NY from Toronto (Thornhill) to set up our home here as he's established in his career here. We plan to have children, IY"H and eventually make Ayliah. I do agree that in regards to online dating we must be cautious and really get to know the person before making that important decision.

Online dating facilitated my marriage. We are older, divorced with children, from different backgrounds and countries. We know ourselves pretty well: what failed in previous marriages, what values we hold, what we need/want in a mate. I think that was the key. Each of us is totally committed to a Torah-based life and knows what we want in marriage. We were mature enough to know that you can't rely upon another person for your happiness, nor can you expect the other to change. What you get is a complete person. Going into an online dating situation with such certainties increased our chances of success. We saw the profiles, looked at each others pictures, and were intrigued. I answered his note, phoned the first night I read it, and that was that. After a month of phoning we met, and after 4 in-person weekends, we knew we were each other's bashert. It is not for everyone, but it sure opened up the dating pool for us. By no means were either of us a conventional "catch" and I 'm convinced no shadchan could have helped us. It's a great tool for "out of towners." Meeting online cuts out some of the embarrassment that dealing with an intermediary (shadchan) may involve. You can see many more people than normally available. You still need to check references and be careful. You see a picture, read some text that reveals personality. First the phone, then in person. Out of town, a "date" means meeting for a Shabbos weekend. You have to be pretty sure you want to meet each other to be placed together for a full weekend. Travel, expense, tension. Other people get involved (where to stay, where to eat, where to hang out) and it can be awkward. As good as you may sound on the phone, spending time together, in person, is the only way to tell if you are compatible. I met with some who on the phone were great, but the first time I saw them, knew it wouldn't work: body language, sloppiness, distractedness, etc. Online is not for all, but shouldn't be discounted.

What's the problem in meeting online to then go into more in depth analysis of the person? Online helps break the geographic boundries and bring two people who would otherwise not meet. As far as goals, I disagree with the Rabbi that they must have similar goals - they must share the right goals, which is to be giving and get closer to perfection and God. This is what life and marriage was meant for.

What the Rabbi is saying is probably true for secular dating websites, but sites like SawYouAtSinai (and JRetroMatch, YUConnects, NeveKesher, SheefaLinks, Gateways, EBashert, and YourBashert) that are modeled after traditional shidduch dating match people based on their values, goals, haskafas, etc, not based on hobbies or interests they may share. We should not dismiss all online dating websites as being incompatible with marriage relationships. Many many frum couples have met on good dating websites.

My husband and I are an SYAS success story, but all the site did was make the introduction. In every other way our dating was just like any other couple who met through friends, a shadchan, or any other "normal" avenue. Dating in general requires the couple get to know each other on a deep level, and not based solely on commonalities.

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I am not at all surprised that on-line dating services are such an ‘iffy’ proposition because they are rife with mixed messages and provide no mechanism to ascertain the truthfulness of the participants. As a divorced Ba'al Teshuvah man with adolescent daughters, I do not believe in seeking or developing ‘friends with privileges’. I have longstanding female friends with whom our relationships include an explicit emotional and behavioral mehitza. That protective fence has worked well with several women for 30-40 years, and allows me to have non-biological sisters (I have one brother and five first cousins, all male). Of all the on-line ‘dating services’, only JWed advertises itself as a service exclusively for observant Jewish men and women interested in marriage. IMHO, they are thinking correctly about the core issues. If I were interested in ‘on-line dating’, JWed is where I would look.

online dating sites only mean to be a quicker venue to make the decision to date this-one-or-that-one or not; lack of guidance as well as lack of detailed knowledge of a list of values, skills, attitudes and personality character traits is a bigger problem lack of the above will happen with or without the internet; ie: one very short lived frumster marriage divorcee told me he wrote down what he looked for in a mate, but when explaining it to me he kept saying 'but what I meant was...' Frumster did not fail them at all; sadly these two previously married & divorced adults failed eachother and themselves. The internet helped them expose their preconceived notions as weaknesses to themselves.

I've tried 2 Jewish dating/matchmaking websites, JDate and Sawyouatsinai.com, and it seems they have essentially failed in finding my bashert. Plus, I don't seem to have any bashert in sight, and I wonder if it is because of either my Asperger syndrome or my attitude thinking I'm "undateable" (while others may very, very easily date/marry each other off left-to-right)...I think that Judaism as well as society tends to place so much emphasis on marriage and populating the world while recent studies have shown that there are in fact many benefits with living alone such as not having to deal with anyone coming home after a long day of work thereby making it easier to power down and recharge. All in all, it's a matter of how much socialization each individual wants in his/her life.

Judaism teaches that our goal should be to work on ourselves, our character traits, and becoming more like G-d. That means we should be working on becoming natural givers, becoming more patient, and putting the needs of others before ourselves. If someone views life as a opportunity for taking, and wants to see what they can get, then maybe always having to "deal withs someone else" at the end of a long day can be a be a drawback, but if you see life as opportunity for giving, then not having someone to give to at the end of the day is not a benefit and is not helping you reach your goal.

Rabbi, For me, online dating has not been a good experience. Let me start off by saying that I am not frum, I'm traditional when it comes to my level of observance. I tried JDate for a long time but most of the men on the site are either commitment phobic or think of themselves as casanovas. I can't tell you how many dates I've been on where the man acts like a total cad. Even worse is the utter lack of respect I've experienced and the forwardness by many of these men. Online dating like many online experiences can often serve as a way for people to mask their bad intentions. And has led many men into believing they can behave however they want and not suffer any consequences or societal judgements as a result. I wish there was a simpler way to meet people than online dating but I haven't found one yet. I truly think the best (but certainly not the easiest) is to meet people through friends/family/community events. That way people come prescreened and your friends/family usually know what you are looking for. If that's not possible try talking to your Rabbi or Rebbetzin, often times they seem to know who in the community is single and looking, who to steer clear from and who has a good heart/midos. Good luck!

We met online on frumster.com in August 2005. I was fresh back from the seminary bubble life in Neve Yerushalayim, but also fresh back from a broken near engagement while studying in Israel, and a string of botched and failed relationships in my secular life prior to becoming a baal teshuva. My husband also had his baggage. I think we were both done with dating, and I know I definitely decided I'm just going to go on a date because I promised and don't want to be rude or mean to the guy, and it won't work out, he'll never call me, and I'll take a year or two off from dealing with the dating jungle and the world of complicated men! Well folks, six years later, we bought a house together, have three beautiful children, yeshiva tuition, and BH" a truly spiritual marriage. Here's the catch: it took WORK, LOTS AND LOTS of work! When we started corresponding via email after viewing each others' profiles, we acted as our own shaddchanim.We gave each other references, and I asked outright the kinds of horrible questions you wish you didn;t have to ask, but I had to because of many horrible online dating experiences. Questions went like "does he have any mental illnesses you know of? Is he on any kind of medication? Is he honest and hard working or does he expect his wife to work and support him while he goes to kollel?" You get the idea. When we dated, we had "fun" together and didn't focus on too much else, which causes problems when you get married because then you don't know which direction to grow together in. However, we were both committed to Torah, growth and each other, and though we went through hard times, we stuck to our guns about supporting each other and giving for the purpose of making each other happy--it's not easy at all and our relationship has various other challenges I won;t mention here, but the love is always growing. If you expect work, then it can work. If you expect liking the same ice cream is enough, oh boy you better rethink the online idea.

Very well written about the "real world" of marriage!

I'm not saying it works for everyone,but it did BH work for me. I met my husband of 5 1/2 yrs on Jdate. I found all Jdate really does is show you who is available and you can read their profiles. The rest is really up to you. By the way, after a few months of dating, we did share our values, and discuss important issues that come up in marriage.

Today most of the dating that goes on is based on superficial things. She's pretty, he's cute, one of them has a dog the other one grew up with...no matter how you meet, you need to take the relationship to a deeper plain. If you don't, you'll end up divorced for lack of getting past the superficial, not necessarily for how you met.

I know so many happy couples who have met "on line..and they are still together!! And no, it's not only because of their favorite slurpee flavor!!! Can anything guarantee a real long termed relationship? If so, please let me know!!

The blind/shidduch dating system isn't foolproof either. From my own personal experience, I found the people I was set up with to me just as superficial,shallow, and materialistic as everyone else. Some of them come from very strong religious backgrounds and claim to be lofty when it comes to materialism. Shidduch dating has failed me rather than helped me. It was too routine for me and had too many rules (a lot of which I intentionally broke).The double standard hypocrisy that came with it was beyond belief. Plus it did very little to secure 20 of my friend's marriages; all of whom are divorce.I decided to take matters on my own hands and search for my soul mate at my own terms. That's how I met my loving husband of 2 years (bli ayin hara). I needed an outlet where I wouldn't be judged on my yichus,how much money I have, my body weight,invasive background inspections etc. Yes I encountered colorful characters; some of whom had too much emotional baggage for me to carry online and at singles events and even on blind dates. If we are not willing to take risks in life, then we won't be able to achieve our goals at all.