Dear Emuna: My Son, the Wild Animal

Dear Emuna,

My adolescent son has the table manners of a wild animal. He frequently uses his hands instead of utensils, chews with his mouth open and smears ketchup all over the tablecloth. I’m getting concerned. How do I teach him appropriate etiquette?

Mannerly Mom

Dear Mrs. Manners,

I assume that you are using a fork and knife and modeling ideal table manners. Therefore your son knows how he’s supposed to eat. He just can’t be bothered. He’s hungry (almost all the time!) and getting the food into his system as quickly as possible is his top priority.

I’m willing to bet that your son’s personal hygiene also needs some work. His toothbrush is probably used sporadically and while you may be able to get him off the computer long enough to take a shower, you can’t force the use of soap.

Have no fear. This is a common teenage phase which will soon be replaced by complete and utter obsession with his looks. All of the sudden he will shower non-stop and spend hours in front of the mirror, fixing his hair and admiring his physique. Then you will long for the days of smeared ketchup.

But do not despair. This too is a phase and he will reach adulthood with the skills to use his utensils properly, moderate and appropriate attention to hygiene and a (slightly) diminished focus on his appearance. It’s just waiting patiently until he gets there that’s difficult.

Daughter’s Unhappy Marriage

Dear Emuna,

My daughter is very frustrated in her marriage because she’s the primary bread winner for the family. Her husband just flits from job to job, unable to find his place. He is, however, terrific with the kids and frequently watches them while she works. But I see her frustration growing. It’s painful to me to observe this from the sidelines. I like her husband and would like their marriage to succeed. What do you suggest I do?

Concerned Mom

Dear Concerned Mom,

What do you imagine you could do? This is completely out of your control. This is your daughter’s choice and hers alone. Your job is to be supportive of her, whatever path she takes.

While you can certainly encourage her to be less critical of her husband and to focus on his positive qualities, you can’t really enter into her situation. You don’t know their innermost struggles, the intimate details of their marriage.

Hopefully you have already taught your daughter the value and importance of commitment. Hopefully she knows that professional help can be a legitimate and sometimes necessary option. Hopefully she recognizes, based on her own upbringing, that money isn’t everything, that actually your yearly income is determined by the Almighty. Hopefully she understands that she can help her husband best by being supportive instead of critical.

But as far as doing something? Your options are pretty limited. The best (and most effective) thing you can do is pray.

Let Go of the Dream

Dear Emuna,

My oldest two daughters are married with families of their own. Unfortunately my girls don’t get along with each other. At every family gather they fight like cats and dogs, ruining everyone’s good time and leaving my husband and me miserable. We know they need to stop but we don’t know how to make them. What do you suggest?

Dueling Daughters

Dear Mom of Dueling Daughters,

Like I told the previous letter writer, it is no longer your job, nor is it within your ability to stop them. The best advice is sometimes not philosophical or spiritual but practical: Don’t invite them over at the same time.

I know that spoils your fantasy. I know it’s your dream to have your whole family together. But sometimes we need to grow up and adopt a more realistic perspective and strategy.

Since you can’t force your children to get along, let alone be close, and since their constant quarreling spoils it for everyone else, you need to find a new plan.

Alternate Sundays or Shabbats or holidays or whatever your schedule of family gatherings is. Not only will you remove the tension from the environment but you may discover that once you let go of the dream, of the unrealistic expectations, you will find a new and different pleasure in being able to spend more quality time with each of your daughters and their families.

No one’s life is a Norman Rockwell painting or a Hallmark card – choose your fantasy.

Making peace with your reality and making the best of your situation are the signs of a mature adult and the key to more pleasant experiences in the future.

(6) Miriam, January 14, 2013 5:53 PM

Dear Concerned Mom

You can help your daughter out by praising her husband to her, babysitting while they get out together (for a few hours or a day or two) and by telling her how very lucky and blessed she is to have such a wonderful, wonderful man with whom to share her life. Bottom line, we're all human, we all have pros and cons, and the way to keep a marriage happy is to focus on the pros! Good luck!

(5) Wearsie Jackson, January 12, 2013 1:28 PM

Mom of Dueling Daughters - Step up and Parent!

I completely disagree with the advice to "Mom of Dueling Daughters" when Emuna writes that "...it is no longer your job, nor is it within your ability to stop them" It IS a parent's role to insist upon mutual respect and order. While no parent can control the children's feelings toward each other (nor should they try), a good parent must MANDATE appropriate behaviour in her own household. We wouldn't tolerate any guests being disrespectful to one another in our homes and disrespect coming from our children should be no exception. I don't necessarily always get along with my siblings terribly well either, but my parents would NEVER tolerate ANY fighting nor disrespect to each other in their home nor their presence. As parents though, we can't suddenly throw our hands up and abdicate our responsibility to command this mutual respect and appropriate behaviour in our presence!

(4) Anonymous, January 8, 2013 5:58 PM

To the mother of the dueling daughters-Mrs. Braverman has provided some excellent advice. Nonetheless, I'm sorry about your situation.

(3) Princess, January 7, 2013 3:35 AM

Sibling Rivalry Still?

Perhaps the daughters act this way because of real or perceived parental bias.

(2) scott, January 6, 2013 5:53 PM

There's this thing called discipline

When I was a kid and we had big (50 people) family gatherings there was a kids table and a grown ups table. You didn't get to sit with the grown ups unless you were prepared to behave like an adult. Act up at the big table and you got sent down to sit with the children. we learned that manners were a part of being grown up. But then we also got slapped once in a while for acting like animals. First make sure you're not dealing with a learning or emotional disorder. Then read the rest. Your kid with bad manners simply needs discipline and boundaries. Children that have such bad manners simply cannot eat with others. They don't get to sit with the family (except for Sabbath) They don't get to accept invitations that include eating in public and when the family dines out, they stay home with a cold (and nutritious) sandwich. I'm sorry Emunah-growing out of unacceptable behavior is the absolutely wrong approach. You should read the article on the decline in the performance of Jewish students in the US. This kind of advice is why. Kids need firm discipline and boundaries. They need to do things simply because their parents say so. Permissive parenting is the best way to tell your kid that you indeed do not care about them. They will continue to behave worse and worse until someone stands up and shows them that they care. That's how some kids end up addicted to abusive relationships. Their abuser is the first person that shows they care enough to be tough with them. I'm not my daughter's friend. I'm her Dad. I love her too much to lower myself in her eyes to the level of a friend. I probably get a whole lot more smiles and hugs and kisses because of this. You see she trusts her Dad more than her friends. She knows where Dad stands on stuff. She knows she's important.

Robert MacPherson, January 7, 2013 10:51 AM

I Tototaly agree.

I agree that it is not anybodys right to MAKE ANYBODY IN THEIR OWN IMAGE, but, leave them, after you have instruted them in good manners. Because we did just that and were horified at their actions at home, then we lerned that their behavour outside our enviroment, was as we had taught them.

(1) rayla, January 6, 2013 2:09 PM

love ur simple no_nonsense answers

Dear emunah, every sunday morning I look forward to this blog, I lopve ur simple direct and sometimes harsh but real answers, its a dose of reality I need after constantly being in a family with people who mind each others business and control each others lives. Thank u