Dear Emuna: Hateful Daughter-in-Law

Dear Emuna,

My son got married a few years ago to a lovely girl– at least we thought she was. The longer they are married and the more children they have, the less she seems to want any relationship with my husband and me. She wants our financial help (they are both in graduate school), in fact she expects it but rarely speaks to us. The funny thing is that our son is happy, but his wife’s attitude makes it difficult for us to spend time with them and our grandchildren. All of her interactions with us seem to imply that she really can’t stand us but since we’re her husband’s parents she’ll (barely) tolerate our presence. I feel like our financial assistance is what forces her to be civil at all – and now we need to cut back. We’re afraid this may end the relationship altogether, yet what kind of relationship is it really? This whole situation is very painful for us. Do you have any wise counsel?

-- Parents in Pain

Dear PiP,

I have counsel though I can’t guarantee it’s wise. Once our children get married, their lives and their choices are really out of our control. If they ask for our advice (rare), we can give it, but otherwise they are usually not interested in our opinion and certainly not in suggestions of change for them or their spouse.

Making peace with this is very difficult. If, in addition to accepting a more limited role in your child’s life, you are also providing financial assistance, the situation becomes more complex. Yet this is the reality for most parents of married children.

Where your situation differs is in the attitude of your daughter-in-law. You don’t want to be vindictive but I understand you may feel resentful about giving so much and getting so little. This, too, is part of the reality of life since the more you give, the more you care which makes it inevitable that parents will be more invested in the relationship than children.

We live in world where there is a heightened sense of entitlement.

We also live in world where there is a heightened sense of entitlement. Children frequently expect that the world (read: parents – and perhaps the federal government!) owes them everything they want. When they are compelled to accept less than they consider their due, the results may be unpleasant.

It may also be one additional character-building lesson you still have the power to give them – a sense of responsibility and consequences – although they may not hear the message.

I understand the pain is very great and ongoing – and that it may yet deepen. But remember that, please God, life is long. Relationships have their ups and downs and the final story has not yet been written. And most of all, don’t forget that the Almighty is just a prayer away.

-- Emuna

Dear Emuna,

I have a sister-in-law who hurts and angers me regularly. She has lots of time to spend with her parents, her siblings and their spouses and children. Single and childless, I am only invited to a small number of their gatherings, and when I go, I feel invisible to most of them. I've tried to tell my brother and sister-in-law I am hurting, and each month my brother spends some quality time with me, but my sister-in-law is "too busy." Should I just stop going to these gatherings with her family? I always leave feeling sad, shamed and angry. I don't know my sister-in-law well, but I believe she has a heart and a soul and possibly wants to be a good person. So I'd like to keep on communicating with her, but I'm having trouble rising up out of my shame, frustration, and bewilderment as to why she treats me (and treated my mother, now deceased, as well). I've asked if I've done anything to hurt or offend her, and she says no. Do you have anything understanding or supportive, to tell me?

-- Sad Sister-in-Law

Dear Sad Sister,

Oy – these in-law relationships! They are all so complicated. It sounds like your sister-in-law is not cruel but perhaps just oblivious – and lacking in sensitivity. It’s probably not that “she has lots of time to spend with her parents etc.” but that’s who she prefers to spend her time with. She is much more comfortable with her family of origin and her siblings than with the members of her husband’s family. This is normal, especially if she is young and hasn’t been married long. We can hope (and pray) that with maturity will come greater inclusiveness and sensitivity.

When you say that you’ve tried to tell my brother and sister-in-law that you are hurting, it is difficult for me to know exactly what you mean. Have you told them and they didn’t listen? Have you hinted at it and expected them to figure it out themselves? Without explicit instructions, we can’t expect others (even our own spouses and especially those who don’t know us very well) to understand exactly what we mean.

Additionally, it is just possible that your sister-in-law is actually trying, in what can only be described as an awkward and ineffectual way, to be understanding and sensitive. Maybe she doesn’t invite you as often as you would like because she thinks your discomfort results from your being single and childless. Maybe she is trying to be solicitous of your needs.

Finally, you don’t really explain what happens at these family gatherings that leaves you feeling humiliated and angry. Are people actually cruel to you? Do they ignore you? Or do you feel out of place? Are you involved in the conversations or are you waiting for them to pay attention to you? Without this information, it’s hard to give advice. However, I am going to suggest one thing that I believe could make a big difference: Be interested in them and their lives. Call your sister-in-law to ask about her children (if they have), her siblings, her nieces and nephews. At family get-togethers, make a real effort to get to know her family, to engage with them, to ask them questions about their lives and to play with their children. If you reach out to them, you will 1) enjoy yourself more, 2) care about them more and 3) endear yourself to them more; you will make yourself someone they want to spend time with. Focusing on others instead of ourselves is the solution to many uncomfortable or unpleasant social situations. Try it; I’m pretty sure it will work. Keep me posted.

-- Emuna

Dear Emuna,

I’m reaching out to as many people as possible for advice. My mother lost her job two years ago and has been "down hill" since. She started out having stomach issues; then she started really losing her memory and eventually becoming more aggressive towards my father and myself. My brother took her to a neuro-specialist as we were concerned about early onset of dementia or Alzheimer’s. At the doctor’s, she admitted she drank too much. This drinking problem has been ongoing for the past two years. She is now in denial and hiding alcohol. I know she has been facing loneliness, depression, and everything that goes with the empty nest syndrome. My father is not an emotional guy and they live together but in my observations are not happy together. She holds a lot of resentment and now has become an alcoholic. She's in denial and is fine sober but the second she switches to drunk she's abusive and angry. I am now six months pregnant with our first child and I'm having a hard time coping with the situation. Any suggestions?

-- Co-Dependent Daughter

Dear Daughter of Drunk,

While I understand the desire to get the best possible advice, I would caution against reaching out to as many people as possible. Inevitably you won’t know who to listen to and either all the suggestions get jumbled up in your mind or you end up adopting the last one you heard – and then changing course when you hear another! People and their advice are not something to be collected. Pick a few people you trust (that’s why we are taught in Ethics of Our Fathers to choose a rabbi for ourselves) and stick with them.

That said, I understand your concern about your parents’ marriage. That, however, is for them to fix, not you. And what I don’t understand is what the situation has to do with the fact that you are expecting your first child. Or what you are having a hard time coping with.

Although you shared few personal facts, I assume that you are happily married and excited about this child. Your relationship with your husband and children should not be affected by your mother’s unfortunate situation. I understand that it is a source of pain but you have little ability to make real change. Please consult an experienced professional before attempting any type of family intervention. While this may, in fact, be necessary, it is a very drastic step that can only be taken under supervision and with appropriate guidelines. In general in most therapeutic situations, the patient has to choose therapy. It rarely (though not never) works when imposed by others. Frequently with situations of substance abuse, the individual needs to hit rock bottom in order to appreciate their need to do the hard work required to live a better life. That’s why I am suggesting that ultimately your role here is limited. Your mother has to decide that she can no longer live like this and wants to change. You can’t make them happen. And, as I alluded to earlier, neither can you help your parent’s marriage. It is not your job and what you deem lack of domestic unhappiness, may in fact be a stable situation that they are accustomed to and unsolicited intervention on your part could even be destructive.

Your job at the moment is to focus on your marriage and your family. If there is a concrete role that a competent professional suggests you play with respect to your mother, then go ahead. And of course you should be compassionate and caring, but this is not about you. For the sake of your family – future and present - you need to create some separation between your mother’s emotions and your own. And you need to do it now.

-- Emuna

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Published: February 11, 2012

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Visitor Comments: 29

(26) Peggy, January 31, 2013 7:08 AM

Wow Same DIL

Wow I think we have the same daughter in law. I am at a loss of what to do or say. I have been loving and as kind as possible to her. She keeps my son as far away from his family as possible. She is hateful to say the least, even though we have shown her more love than she has ever known in her life. Its a shame there are no magic books on how to fix a broken daughter in law.

(25) Yehudit levy, November 25, 2012 3:58 PM

Fantastic mother in law

I will now burst the bubble: I have a great relationship with my mother in law!!! But it takes an enormous amount of work, sensitivity and tongue biting!!! Mostly, focusing on her good points and pandering to her bad ones seem to work for me, and her, and my husband is very grateful as well. In fact, if all daughters in law would give more respect to their MILs, who raised their husbands, and tiptoe more adroitly, the dividends can be enormous!!! This year alone, since having my 6th child which totally overwhelmed me, my MIL flew in from overseas to take care of all 6 kids and send me and hubby of alone for a few days!!!! Now, dear sisters, this was indeed a blow to my fragile ego since I don't manage them all alone, but I bit my tongue, swallowed my ample pride and said thank you to G-d for sending me help when I needed it the most. Doing the mitzva of respecting parents can never fail. Try it!!!

(24) Sue, November 18, 2012 1:47 AM

Try forgiveness ??

I think it boils down to mutual respect & everyone being accountable for their own actions! Stop passing blame- no ones perfect, everyone makes mistakes. It's really about being forgiving. I'm sure there is truth to both sides, it just depends on which one your speaking to at the time. One day moms will be mother in laws. Besides all this really does is breed anger & bitterness! That looks ugly on everyone. It's really sad that we can treat a perfect stranger better than we do our own family! Please remember your also setting an example for your own kids to model after- right or wrong. Just something for you to think about...forgiveness & love is probably what your trying to teach your kids! They will learn it better if you DO IT!

(23) BEV, November 14, 2012 12:41 PM

Mother in law

Mother in law's need to stop whining and ask themselves WHY their daughter in laws are acting the way they do. The daughter in laws are REACTING to mother in laws comments/behavior/dislikes, and attention seeking. Believe me mother in laws- no woman would ever turn down friendship with a caring loving person, especially a family member. Ask yourself what you are doing.

(22) Anon Imus, November 11, 2012 6:53 PM

Daughter of Drunken Mamma

"… the second she switches to drunk she's abusive and angry." Though not mentioned by the Daughter of a Drunk, and not raised by Emuna, its reasonable to assume that one unspoken concern she has that relates to her pregnancy and the imminent birth of her child (b'sh'a tova), the unpredictability of her mother's drunken episodes and the proximity of the new grandmother to where they live. She mentioned that her brother took their mother to the physician, but we don't know whether she also lives nearby, or in a distant community. If her mother is likely to visit frequently because they are close by, and even possibly feels entitled to do so, even knowingly or not knowingly using the grandchild to 'treat' her own loneliness, this can be a perceived dilemma for the daughter. Can she stand strong and firm and be clear to her mother that she can not have unsupervised, or have any, contact with her soon to arrive grandchild unless and until she has acknowledged her alcohol dependency or abuse and is treated for it? Is she in fact the "Co-Dependent Daughter" she signed herself as, and can't bear to set limits for the safety and protection of her new arrival? Perhaps a dose of reality that her mother is not expecting will have an impact, but probably not until the daughter actually has the baby and firmly enforces the criterion for visitation. Maybe not even then, sad to say, but at least her child will be safe from psychological abuse, and possibly physical abuse by the grandmother.

(21) Grandma N, November 10, 2012 1:23 AM

people can be cruel

I never dealt with lies and manipulation until I became the mother of married sons. Over the past 20 years I have been dumbfounded...given the benefit of the doubt to my daughter in law because I couldn't phantom anyone would tell such brazen lies. She twists not just what I say, but others in our family...she tells my grandchildren horrid lies about me, my other sons and my husband. She talks about my son (her husband) as though he a bad father and worse husband, turns her children against him and then tells him how horrid the children are, how their teen age son threatens her and his sisters....such terrible stuff I am dumbfounded why my son doesn't see it...I'm angry, frustrated, frightened and ready to withdraw from all, which is exactly what she would like us to do. This isn't a case of "talk to her and work through the difficulties" I've tried so many times, have her written responses that resonate with hatred (I fear she was mistreated as a child) and though I can sympathize with that, the destruction she reeks is not okay. I'm tired, and ready to make a stand. I'm not telling her what to do...or them what to think or feel...or directing anyone. I'm just opting out. I'd rather spend the holidays alone than with her hatred and the contention that consumes her like a cancer. It's in every aspect of her life. Poor victim that she is. Reason is not always an option; when dealing with unreasonable people.

(20) Anonymous, February 23, 2012 9:08 PM

Parent's in law

To the Parent's In Law, Have you tried to be helpful and supportive in any way of your daughter in law? Are you critical of the grandchildren and of her parenting style? Do you offer any help with babysitting, meals? I can tell you that I was hoping to have a loving relationship with my in laws, but they are critical of me and the children and offer no help whatsoever when they visit. They sit and watch with a critical eye. Here is an example, I hired a cleaning lady twice a week during before Pesach and during my son's bar mitzvah. I also had a herniated disc. My mother in law kept reminding me that when the holiday was over I needed to only have the cleaning lady once a week. Did she help me with the laundry, cooking cleaning or the children? No. These parent's in law should go out of their way to help their busy, overwhelmed daughter in law. Raising children is not a walk in the park.

Molly, March 16, 2012 3:45 AM

I have the same problem - my in laws just sit on the couch and watch me run around and serve them while the chat with my husband. They get annoyed if I dare ask him to give me a hand with the kids or set the table. Argh!

(19) Molly, February 23, 2012 4:52 AM

I can relate to the first woman's problem, except I am the daughter in law! (Although we don't receive financial help from my mother in law) As the years go by and our family grows, I have started avoiding her a bit. She asks me when I am "going back to work" EVERY SINGLE TIME we speak. I have five children under 8 years old, we homeschool them, and the oldest is Autistic. I am not on a luxury vacation, too lazy to start being productive again! I am busy enough without trying to fit a paying job into my schedule somehow! So, little by little, I feel less and less of a connection to her. It doesn't help that she worries aloud to me about all the pressure her poor son is under with having to support so many "dependents". My husband always chimes in that he's the one dependent on me, but it sure is getting old hearing the same hurtful things over and over. I could do without the parenting books sent to my house without comment, too. The mother in law mentioned that her son is happy. Perhaps that's how she should judge her daughter in law - as one who makes her son's life better. Perhaps BOTH sides should examine their expectations. My in laws seem to expect that I'll make a huge effort to stay close while they hurl insults at me. This is certainly not the way I was raised - my family does not tolerate bullying in any form. I have the right to continue that tradition in my own household.

(18) Pauline, February 15, 2012 9:12 PM

Thoughts to Parents in pain.....

Is it possible that part of your daughter-in-law's impression of "barely being able to stand you", is just that she's over whelmed with all she has to do, and is also very exhausted? If she truly can't stand you, just complement her on all she does, keeping your son happy, doing such a good job raising your precious grandchildren, and trying to better herself all at the same time. (Whether or not you are thrilled with everything.) She would truly feel terrible to harbor hard feelings toward people that are so kind and loving to her. Then the next time they bring up helping them with money, explain how it is so painful that you will not be able to help them financially right now, as you have other deep concerns over your own financial health. And say that you know they (her and your son), will be able to find a way to make things work, just as other good people have had to do in difficult circumstances. And do say though, all the non monetary ways you'd want to help. Suggest watching the grand kids for them to have some time alone twice a month (or what ever you want to do). And give those grand kids great memories. BELIEVE me, if all she wants is money, it's better to say no now, before being bleed dry. Plus, the younger your kids learn to be careful with their choices and money, the sooner they will be making decisions that will be best for all. And yes, it's devastating to both the grandparents and grand kids, to be apart. If this is what she does, and your son has goodness in him, he will probably find a way for you all to still be in each others life's. I experienced my parent's pain with this, and my sister's family. Although my parent's could and did help thru my sister's 19yr marriage, and her divorce, it didn't change anything. Her kids grew up not respecting their parents and were fed spiteful beliefs about our family. She did not stop spending more than she had until both of our parents passed on, and knew the no more $ would be coming.

(17) bobby5000, February 14, 2012 11:22 PM

Keeping harmony

I have been a son, in-law and parent. I have gotten reasonably well with everybody. First, recognize the importance of harmony. Frequently that will require some compromise. We found our daughter-in-law got nervous with people staying over; we arranged to stay at a nearby hotel, and she now invites us to come down regularly , knowing she is not on call 24/7. Some of the comments are incorrect in my opinion. "The husband has to start being a man and help his wife overcome her feeling of being threatened by his mother." If you want to drive a son away, complain about his wife. Heaping discord and problems on him will just lead him to call his own mother less and less, and try to figure out ways of reducing stressful and problematic communication. People do not need to become a new wonderful blended family. One parent and one in-law got together wonderfully in my own family; one was cordial to the other. That's fine. Don't over play your hand. Giving frequent presents and pretending to be close helps no one. From either side, be pleasant and respectful, and let the relationship take its course based upon genuine feelings. I know one mother objected to her son's marriage, but is now closer to the daughter-in-law than her own daughter. That didn't happen in one day; mutual respect evolved. Be careful about keeping score. The mother's mother will came over more, because she is more comfortable having her mom in the house. That's natural and trying to create absolute eveness will cause problems, not solve them. Instead, be available to help on her schedule. Be realistic about your own frailities; if you are tough and demanding, try to tone that done, rather than complain you are being short-changed. The mother who had problems with 3 of her daughter-in-laws was obviously part of the problem herself.

Anonymous, February 15, 2012 11:45 PM

Husband needs to start being a man

I agree the parents should not complain to their son about his wife. They should not need to. If the son started being a man, he would not be oblivious to how his wife is treating his parents and he would not let it go on. .

(16) Anonymous, February 14, 2012 8:47 PM

re 1 the giver, and 3 the drinker

Re the mom who gives and does not receive. She says won't likely be able to keep giving $, so stop now and say you intend to give again soon when able.Then ease back in slowly if you can. That may make your $ contribution less taken for granted.Maybe you could help in a non financial way your daughter may appreciate.Maybe she just has issues in this area,and you need to accept a more distant role for now. It's great you recognize that your son is happy with her, and that you are together enough to say so. While more often the case it seems to me by no means always true that children who are the takers, love their parents less than they are loved by the parents who are the givers.One reason may be that if giving grudginglt does not generate the same degree of love as when one gives to family or for that matter anyone to fulfill the commandment of loving thy neighbor as thyself. That should create pleasurable loving feelings within the the giver for the receiver. As for #3 coping with her pain by heavy drinking.When alchohol stops masquararding as a friend and becomes an obvious problem professional help is needed. Alanon I think is the name of the org for family members of alchoholics,and I believe they are a good resource. I'd for certain seek their or other professionals help ASAP, particularly with a baby due it seems imperative.

(15) Karen, February 14, 2012 3:25 AM

Talk to your son

I can't understand parent's unwillingness to talk to their sons about the relationship. I've seen this pattern consistently- the daughter in law is blamed, but the parents never talk to the son about it. Only through the son will there be a chance for improvement. In my experience, the spouse treats the in-laws the way the child treats his parents.

(14) Anonymous, February 14, 2012 2:58 AM

Husband has to start being a man

Why is the husband so passive that he's letting this go on? The hateful daughter-in-law sees her mother-in-law as a threat and competition for her son's attention. I have seen this many many times. The husband has to start being a man and help his wife overcome her feeling of being threatened by his mother. If he doesn't, he is being cruel to his wife and children. He is depriving his children of their grandparents and by setting this unhealthy example, their own children may marry spouses that push him and his wife out of their lives. (To start being a man, I suggest reading the Aish article "5 Things a Man Needs to Do in a Successful Relationship").

(13) Anonymous, February 13, 2012 8:07 PM

Love cures all

Gods love is non judgmental, forgiving, unconditiona love l. And forever. Except that and happiness and joy will follow you for the rest of your life.

(12) Neicee, February 13, 2012 7:31 PM

Life's little zingers

I was widowed some years and remarried 10 years later. He is the sweetest most loving thoughtful person, and I thought his mother would be as well. Just the opposite. By the time we'd be married 10 years, she still found it hard to remember my name. Now, she is suffering Alzheimers disease and I'm her new best friend. It's remarkable and I wasn't prepared for it, but I can now have fun with her, joke, and have even prayed with her. So, don't give up if you think your m-i-l hates you. Time and life's events can change everything.

(11) Sammy, February 13, 2012 7:00 PM

people need to learn that they aren't entitled

Tell the ungrateful bum to get a job! You shouldn't let her feel she can take advantage of you. If you give in, she will probably respect you even less

(10) Anonymous, February 13, 2012 2:30 AM

buying love

I don't believe by giving married children money/gifts, it improves relationships. You do not get so much as a thank you or acknowledgement. They just begin to take it for granted and they expect it to go on indefinitely. I guess it makes them uncomfortable to admit that they need assistance.

(9) Anonymous, February 13, 2012 12:27 AM

i am not Jewish I was taught to always be kind and help everone.I have two daughters-in-laws, one has always been nice the other cursers the air I breath, I have always help with child care , anything i can do to make their life easier, why the one despisees me I don't know ,jhave decided it is her problem not mine

(8) Anonymous, February 12, 2012 10:44 PM

response to daughter-in-law

I too have a daughter-in-law that doesn't like us and wants us to give financial aid. She holds back the kids. As long as my son is happy we tolerate her, and we are always good to the kids. They want to see us. The older they get the more we see them. Sometimes the son has to be told - they don't understand family relationships as much as women do.

(7) Anonymous, February 12, 2012 7:09 PM

Daughter in law dislikes her inlaws.

I have 3 sons and 3 daughters in law. Whether my sons are happily married or not is entirely their own affair.They each have children, all brought up with values that are not my own, and which are based on 100% materialism. My eldest daughter in law could not care less whether we lived or died..and she informed us right from the start that grooms' parents are of no importance whatsoever. My 2nd daughter in law spent the greater partt of 17 years destroying my good name using malicious inuendos and lies. I was brought up to be kind, compassionate, understanding and welcoming, and never to interfere in anyone's affairs. My 3rd daughter in law is very pleasant, but is very busy with her life. None of them need our financial asssistance in any way.. No point in dwelling on the lack of affection of respect..We fill our own life with our own interests. I started studying the piano 5 years'ago and am now learning the last page of the 3rd movement of Beethoven's Pathetique sonata after learning the 2nd movemebnt. I have worked very hard to reach this point. I read, go to the gym, paint, write short stories, and always have a joke or two up my sleeve when the grandchildren very infrequently phone or visit. "You are so interesting o'ma" "You are so funny o'ma" You are silly o'ma" "I love you o'ma" These are the rewards I glean..as for the rest...God help me if I ever need any help during my very senior years....

anon, February 13, 2012 1:41 PM

Very impressive

I'm sorry for all the pain you've been put through but I am really impressed with your attitude and your actions. I hope and believe that the seeds that you are planting with your grandchildren will bear fruit and that as your grandchildren grow up and become independent your relationship with them will strengthen. Just keep the channels open and never say anything bad about their mothers. (I'm sure that you know this anyway). Behatzlacha.

(6) Anonymous, February 12, 2012 4:59 PM

As unpleasant as it may be, the gemara states, and it has been accepted as Halacha, that the relationship between Mother-in-law & Daughter-in-law is not normally one of love, to say the least. But that does not exempt the son and daugter-in-law from their Mitzvas of respecting parents, including in-laws, and of gratitude & Hakarat Hatov. And perhaps a few more... The issue is that of taking responsibility, on both sides, of fulfilling these Mitzvas. And that's where the yoke is... The question is how to wake the sides involved to rise to the job, creating the healthy communication necessary to enable everybody to happily keep their Mitzvas...

(5) anon, February 12, 2012 3:59 PM

Sad sister in law: from what she's written it's not clear exactly what this "treatment is. Sis doesn't stop her from seeing her brother and invites her to some of her family gatherings. It's not her job to include her in everything. Maybe her sister in law just doesn't connect with her and isn't interested in spending one on one time with her. These things can't be forced. The sad sister in law should be encouraged to develop her own life, so that she is not looking to the sister in law to fill up her loneliness. If her brother hadn't gotten married she wouldn't even know the sister in law and then she would probably be projecting her own lonliness onto someone else.

(4) lisa, February 12, 2012 2:55 PM

Is it all about you, the in laws??

Maybe she doesnt hate you.....maybe you just need to approach her in a different light. Are you treating her like a duaghter? Because if you are that is for sure NOT the right approach...she is your daughter -in-law!! For now be fantastic grandparents to your grandkids......see how that works!! The way to a gr8 daughter-in-law is thru the kids!!!

(3) Adina, February 12, 2012 2:43 PM

Third letter

I agree with you for the most part that the third letter writer has to step back and not try to fix everything (especially her parents' marriage) but I disagree that she should just sit back and enjoy her pregnancy because it has nothing to do with anything. As someone whose husband has a similar situation with his family, I must say it IS related. This woman needs to make some tough choices about what she's going to do about her child's alcoholic grandmother, and I wouldn't be surprised if that's the reason she mentioned her pregnancy. Will she need to make a rule the her mother can never be alone with the baby? Will she need to deny her any and all contact with the child (a drastic, but depending on the situation, possibly necessary step)? Limited/no contact with her own grandchild, BTW, may be just the "rock bottom" the mother needs to hit in order to realize she needs help. I suspect the writer knows she's going to have to make a painful decision of some sort and that's why she's "having a hard time coping". I can't tell her what to do without some more information, but I CAN advise her that she absolutely must think about and decide how she's going to handle the relationship between her mother and her child for as long as the mother continues with her self-destructive behavior.

(2) Anonymous, February 12, 2012 1:52 PM

Daughter of Drunk

I'm amazed Ms. Braverman neglected to recommend Al-Anon, for people who have loved ones that are alcoholics.

(1) Alan S., February 12, 2012 11:36 AM

In regards to the parents in pain, I've read your response several times, but I don't see where you gave them a "real answer". You generalized well, and gave them much food for thought. And I guess there is no "real answer" you could give. You can't really say "continue to give and keep your mouths shut", and you can't really say "don't give and bear the consequences". You straddled a fine line of generalizing and sympathizing, and this may be all you could do in a general forum such as this and without knowing all of the facts. Your final paragraph about character building and consequences was close to an answer. All this said, I think a slightly better answer would be to have the parents discuss their concerns with their son. I admit that this presumes that their son still has a good relationship with his parents, and that his parents concerns are only for the betterment of all. It also presumes that the son realizes that his parent's giving (of financial support, and other support) while purely out of love is contingent upon a wise son and daughter in law reciprocating by simply showing their love and appreciation to the parents. Yes, sadly, there must be a quid pro quo established. The parents only want a good relationship with their daughter in law. While they are trying not to "buy it" (by giving financial support), nonetheless, the parents have a reasonable expectation of receiving appreciation. I'm not so naive to realize that the daughter in law may truly not like her in-laws, and that perhaps the in-laws are not or have not been people that have earned her respect, but still, the daughter in law must acknowledge her in-laws help and show proper appreciation.

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About the Author

Emuna Braverman

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Please check out Emuna’s new book A Diamond for Your Daughter – A Parent’s Guide to Navigating Shidduchim Effectively, available through Judaica Press

Emuna Braverman has a law degree from the University of Toronto and a Masters in in Clinical Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy from Pepperdine University. She lives with her husband and nine children in Los Angeles where they both work for Aish HaTorah. When she isn''t writing for the Internet or taking care of her family, Emuna teaches classes on Judaism, organizes gourmet kosher cooking groups and hosts many Shabbos guests. She is the cofounder of www.gourmetkoshercooking.com.