Dear Emuna: Infertility Struggles

Dear Emuna,

My husband and I have been married for a few years and have been struggling to have children. The community we live in is full of young couples and each already has a few children. I always try to remain happy and positive but it's getting to the point where I just want it to be our turn. Do you have any practical advice for us?

Sad and Without Kids

Dear Sad,

Although you ask for practical advice, I assume you are not requesting that I recommend infertility specialists and clinics. I also assume that you know that we believe that, while the Almighty controls the outcome, we need to make our efforts and that you are availing yourselves of all the current technological and medical breakthroughs.

I have a friend who got married later in life and was struggling to have a family. She described entering the waiting room of the specialist in the field and seeing it full of pregnant women. “Didn’t that depress you?” asked another friend. “On the contrary,” she responded. “It gave me hope. If all these women could overcome their infertility issues, then so could I.”

She did in fact give birth and her daughter is now a teenager. But I remember the story because it showed me the attitude we should strive to adopt towards life’s challenges.

It's a gift to see in other people’s joy an opportunity to share their joy and an opportunity for personal hope. Even if it isn’t our instinctive reaction, it’s an attitude we can cultivate.

We need to remind ourselves over and over and over again that 1) The Almighty runs the world, 2) The good fortune of someone else does not take away from us, 3) The good fortune of someone else is actually a cause for rejoicing and 4)Because the Almighty runs the world, He can do anything!

We need to try to make the most of this moment now and not focus on what we’d like to have in the future. The future is unknowable and possibly unattainable. All we have are the choices we make today, right now.

I don’t know if this is practical advice. I don’t know if it’s advice you can follow. I don’t know if it’s advice I can follow. But I do know it’s the right perspective. May we all strive to live with this awareness.

– Emuna

Dear Emuna,

You recently dealt with a married woman who doesn’t like to cook. I am the mother of a large family and I just hate going to the park. It’s stressful and strenuous, chasing them all over and trying to keep an eye on everyone. And I find pushing them on the swings just plain boring. But I’m afraid to admit this to anyone and I feel like a bad mother if we don’t go. Do you have any advice?

Closet Parkophobe

Dear Indoor Mom,

I certainly believe that you will all have a better time if you focus on activities that everyone can enjoy – reading books, doing projects, cooking together, even perhaps running errands…On the other hand, kids enjoy outdoor activities and it’s certainly helpful to everyone if they can run off some of their boundless energy!

A few practical suggestions:

1) If possible, install some playground equipment (it doesn’t have to be fancy, just sturdy and safe) in your backyard. That’s much easier than schlepping to the park, and, if your yard is fenced in, at some point you won’t have to provide constant supervision.

2) Invite other families to the park with you. If it doesn’t become quite the adult social experience you imagined, perhaps you can at least divide up the age groups so every mother isn’t torn in a million directions.

3) Find the small parks hidden away in little neighborhoods. They are frequently less crowded which makes it much easier to watch your children and gives them better and more frequent access to the equipment.

It doesn’t have to be an everyday activity but it is important to be realistic and accept that every job has a little drudgery in it. This is yours.

– Emuna

Dear Emuna,

I understand that schools have an interest in their students eating healthy lunches. It helps keep them more alert and focused on learning. I understand the sensitivities behind the no-peanut rule and I support removing the soda machine from the campus. But recently teachers at my daughter’s school have gotten more intrusive. They seem to inspect the lunches and then send home notes insisting on sandwiches, carrot sticks, fruit slices…I think they are overstepping their bounds. Should I speak up?

Independent Mom

Dear Independent Mom,

I completely empathize with you and I don’t think the teachers should be so invasive or impose their food philosophies on you. If your child is having a particular problem i.e. trouble concentrating or acting out and the teacher wants to explore if there is a connection to her diet, she should call you directly to discuss the issue. But if your child is well-behaved and focused, then I think you should – politely and respectfully of course – tell the teacher that you have already supervised (perhaps even prepared) and signed off on your daughter’s lunch and that while you appreciate her concern, you would prefer no more notes.

– Emuna

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Published: March 20, 2011

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Visitor Comments: 20

(17) jeanette, May 21, 2011 2:44 AM

No Children

I understand your pain, Iv'e been married 25 years and we dont have any kids. And we tried It's hard on holyidays, mostly on mothers day.But the Great Creator knows what is best for us.

(16) Jana Erb, March 27, 2011 10:44 PM

Low Glycemic Index Diet for Increased Fertility

Something to try for increased fertility if you're so inclined is a low glycemic index diet. I don't know of any studies done on this, it was my personal experience, but you might think it's worth a try. I had had irregular cycles, and had also been on low fat diets high in carbs and sugars for years. I tried the Atkins diet with unlimited green vegetables and was surprised to start getting regular healthy cycles. I also learned at that time I'm sensitive to gluten, so maybe that had something to do with it. I hope and pray you're family is blessed.

(15) Chaya Houpt, March 27, 2011 12:37 PM

The years without children were an opportunity for me

I so hear the pain of the reader who submitted the question about infertility. I was married for 5 years before the birth of my twin daughters following IVF. It is incredibly difficult to live in a community of young families, and for me that pain never really went away until I became a parent. I have no advice to offer in that area, other than that it helped me to minimize my exposure to events where the socializing would be centered around children and parenting. However, the years before I became a mother were incredibly fruitful ones for me. I learned Torah intensively for two years, and I became very active in a volunteer organization. I especially valued the opportunity to mentor and tutor other women in various capacities. The opportunity to give of myself and be a source of guidance helped me tremendously. I welcome the original questioner or anyone else to contact me through this site or on Facebook. I hope this period of your life ends very soon.

(14) Ariel, March 27, 2011 3:50 AM

infertility

I am very saddened by your struggle and unfortunately I also know people who are struggling with this and even though they never talk about it I can see the sadness in their eyes. But whatever Hashem does is for the best regardless of whether we understand it or not. There is a medrash which talks about infertility and it is worthwhile to find it in the medrash itself (I think it is parshas netzavim or vayelech in the Tanchuma but I am not positive - somewhere at the end of devarim). The medrash says that if someone leaves the world and doesn't have any children he/she may be very sad that he will not have anyone to pass himself onto, but the medrash says to take a second look and realize what is really going to stay with a person. It says that a person's "real" children are his good deeds and mitzvos which will be with him in the real world. So even if life can be very tough at times, realize the potential you have and what you can do and the "children" you can make everyday. It's a hard nisayon (test), but Hashem only tests people if they can pass it. So smile and be happy that you have a great husband and that you are a Yid and you can do so many mitzvos every single day. And never forget to daven to Hashem all the time because even if He doesn't answer your tefillos, the tefillos of someone with a broken-heart is the most precious thing. With a huge Bracha that you should have a healthy child.

(13) chanie, March 25, 2011 3:52 PM

my heart goes out to you as i also went through infertility and B"H now have a beautiful family. those years were very hard as i also live in a young community full of little kids and KA"H lots of pregnant woman. i think what helped a lot was trying to be positive and really believing it will happen. try to keep busy with chesed and diff charitable acts (if you have free time) so you feel something else is going on in your life besides work. it also is a good opportunity to get close with your husband. there is a wonderful organization www.atime.org which is a frum support group which you can benefit from. bonei olam.org is also a wonderful organization to help you financially. (Also, when i was going through it, i was noticing around me the different nisyonos (tests) that people were faced with - a sister in law in an emotionally abusive marriage, sick family members etc and i knew i would pick mine over theirs.) Hashem should send you a healthy child very soon!

(12) Anonymous, March 25, 2011 12:35 PM

I understand your feelings

Dear Sad, As a woman also struggling with fertility issues, I understand what you are going through. Also, while I have no doubt that Mrs. Braverman meant to be helpful, I don't believe that some of the responses addressed your pain, and sometimes being misunderstood only compounds the pain and frustration one already feels. Nowhere in your letter did you indicate that you felt that a lack of joy for other's good fortune, nor did you imply that another's good fortune takes away from your own. Additionally you did not demonstrate any lack of belief that Hashem runs the world. I do agree, however, with Mrs. Braverman's advice to remember that Hashem can (and does) do anything. With all of that said, the best pieces of advice that I can give you as someone experiencing similar circumstances, is to daven, work on (and enjoy) your relationship with your husband, pursue all medical avenues with which you feel comfortable, and avail yourself of the services of A.T.I.M.E. Their website, ATIME.org offers many services, one of which is an online forum for people in our situation. You may find that it offers you much support, and believe it or not, can sometimes even inject a little light and humor into some aspects of our predicament. I wish you much hatzlacha and pray that this difficult time in your life is soon a distant memory.

(11) Miriam, March 24, 2011 8:31 PM

Infertility

There are hundreds of thousands of children in this world who need families! Perhaps your infertility is God's way of telling you that you have a path other than cloning yourself.

Chaya Houpt, March 27, 2011 12:27 PM

Adoption is not the perfect solution to infertility

Miriam, I assume your suggestion is well-intentioned. You might be unaware that adoption is a long, expensive and emotionally exhausting process, and that there are not "hundreds of thousands of children" ready to be adopted. Rather, there are long waiting lists of prospective families. You have no idea what God intends for anyone. None of us does. It is easy to look at an infertile couple and think, "Wow, what a great shidduch for an orphaned child." But life is not that neat and simple, and infertile people are no more obligated to take in the world's orphans than anyone else. Why should anyone have children? Why should someone not seek medical treatment if necessary. Infertility is a medical condition, and by the grace of God we now have medical solutions that can help some infertile couples. I am one of the lucky people who has built her family in this way. Your pat answer to the questioner is like saying, "Why get prosthetics? Maybe you were born without legs because you weren't meant to walk."

Batsheva, November 11, 2012 8:47 AM

cloning yourself??

How rude! I am curious if you have little clones of your own, or if you chose to care for someone else's little clones? If you cannot identify with another person's feelings (and obvious pain) it is best to keep your comments to yourself.

(10) Anonymous, March 24, 2011 5:22 PM

to sad and without kids (yet!)

I see around us many couples who are not getting pregnant for 2 or more years and lately many did!!! One of them just had a baby girl and shared that they got a bracha (blessing ) from a big Rav, I believe it was the Tolne Rebbe- maybe you guys can consider that. Don't give up hope. Know that many are in teh same situation and Hashem did send them children and he will do the same for you!!! soon soon Amen ken yahi ratzon

(9) Anonymous, March 24, 2011 4:18 PM

read this article

dear sad, please read the article on aish, entitled "standing before G-d" by diane faber veitzner. It is so inspirational and may Hashem answer your prayers very soon!

(8) anamynous, March 24, 2011 1:37 PM

I can relate but have hope!!!!

Firstly, let me clarify, i am NOT a mother yet (please gd in the future with many healthy and happy kids) nor am i even married yet. However, a very very dear friend of mine is having trouble concieving. She has been married for over 2 years and has not even concieved once. No matter how difficult it is for her (and yes i have seen her shed MANY tears on this topic) yet she is hopeful and optomistic that she will have children. also, although fertility treatments are helpful sometimes, dont get your expectations up with them. its literally up to gd and him alone! my mom did 7 years of fertility treatments and was barren for all of her adult life until one day after she stopped the treatments, she found herself pregnant with me at the age of 37 and also my brother at age 40. yes, guys miracles DO happen! just hang in there!

(7) Anonymous, March 24, 2011 1:36 PM

Different answer to independent mom

Perhaps you dont realize that if your standard of healthy snack/lunch is more lax than the school's, that means your child is breaching school policy. find out exactly what is permitted, then comply. If your kid's snack is junkier than others', other kids will complain, bend rules too, or want to share, and it renders a good policy irrelevant. Healthy habits being enforced by schools is a good thing. If cookies are that important to you, they can have them after school.

(6) Batsheva, March 24, 2011 10:02 AM

Vitamin D

Check your vitamin d levels. Many doctors are not up to date on the importance of VIT D. Google "vitamin d infertility" and you will be surprised. I know of 9 couples who have been blessed after much struggle by upping their vitamin d levels and taking omega 3 (fish oil). This applies to both husband and wife. hatzlacha!

(5) Anonymous, March 24, 2011 8:20 AM

Hashem wants our tears

I was the type of person who never cried. As our friends get married and have children, while we have not, I have had comments, of "how is YOUR baby?...wait, did you have a baby?" from caring Rebbetzins I have not recently seen. As a Rebbetzin told me..."maybe Hashem just needs your tears", and those comments are from Hashem to bring them. We can use our tears to deepen our prayers for the geulah, for Klal Yisrael, and for other children we see. May Hashem answer your prayers soon!

(4) Pascale, March 24, 2011 3:41 AM

You will be a joyful mother of children

Dear Sad, I know exactly what you are going through,but each case is a case. Bringing a soul into the world can be difficult ,as each person has their own particular job that can only be fulfilled by that particular individual. The Almighty loves you, and knows what you are going through.at this point, try to define and put into words "why" you. Want children. Is it because everybody seems to get married and have children or it there more to it. How do you think having children will makeyou a better person? How would you contribute to making His world better when you are a mother. These are the arguments you wantto use asyou pray for children. And another thing: find someone in thesame situationand prayvery fervently for her to have healthy children, and ask her to do the same, begore you knowit,you will be holding your baby in your arms. It works. It really does. Over and over. And I am talking from experience, doctors all over the world told me there was no way whatsoever I could have chidren. While they were medically right,G's plan was, thank G. Different Go for it and if you give us you Hebrew name and you mother's Hebrew name, we will pray for you.. Lots of love

(3) Anonymous, March 23, 2011 11:18 PM

You need SUPPORT

Dear Sad, Please look for a support group so you can meet other women who are going through what you are going through. Your reaction to seeing other people with babies is quite understandable. When you're aching for a baby, every where you look there seems to be a pregnant woman or a mother pushing a baby carriage. It hurts, and well-meaning people who say "NU" rub salt in your wounds; I, too, yearned for a child and someone, albeit well-meaning, actually said to me: "Maybe you don't REALLY want a baby." I nearly burst into tears. If you haven't gone through it, it's hard to understand how incredible painful it feels. That's why you need to be with women who are going through this - you will be able to support one another and you will also learn a lot about assisted reproductive technology. Baruch Hashem, I now have a teenage son and I thank G-D every day for him.

(2) bothered, March 23, 2011 10:14 PM

insensitivity

you need to be more careful in your placement of articles. All the women reading about infertility who may be suffering from this themselves should not have to read about how a mother finds pushing her children on the swings boring. This is possibly the most upsetting and hurtful kind of thing to hear for someone who would do anything for that opportunity.

(1) Anonymous, March 22, 2011 7:41 PM

Daven

As someone who is going through a similar trial I would like to offer some more practical advice. (to sad and without kids) Accept that is normal to be jealous when others have what you desperately want. Don't blame yourself but work on trying to be happy for them. It will take time and it is impossible to do this without help from Above. So pray, not only that you should be blessed with children, also pray that you should have faith, not be jealous and be able to get through the test. Understand and internalise that G-d tests those He loves, all the matriarchs were barren, G-d desired their prayers as He desires yours. When you see all these couples with their children allow yourself to feel arrogant (but don't pray with any feeling of arrogance) use it only as a means not to become jealous. Say to yourself Hashem has chosen me to test, He knows I can achieve something from this. It also helps to pray for the children you see, pray they should be healthy and source of pride to their parents. When you pray for someone you become part of them and it will help minimise the jealousy. Remember that prayer is not a vending machine, G-d may or may not answer you in the way you want but the more you pray the closer you will become to Him and the easier it will be to get through what is a difficult challenge. Repeat to yourself over and over again sentences of faith, read books on the subject (I recommend trust me by Rabbi Parkof) and keep telling yourself that G-d can change things in the blink of an eye. Of course do what you can medically but never forget that your salvation can come from only One source. He is the source and He loves you, so beg, cry, plead and give Him something in return. Take on a new mitzva, become a better person. He has tailor made this challenge just for you only because He loves you. He has a plan, trust Him and remember depression is the tool of the evil inclination. Don't let him win. May Hashem answer your prayers speedly.

Anonymous, March 23, 2011 3:00 PM

I always remember something a teacher told me when I was having a rough time with something in high school. She recounted the story from Chumash about Akeidas Yitzchak, and asked me, "do you think Hashem wanted Avraham to skip gleefully off to kill his son? No! It was supposed to be hard - otherwise it wouldn't have been a test! Avraham had to first acknowledge and feel the pain, and then overcome it." We're not supposed to ignore difficulty and pain - a nisayon (test) is supposed to be a nisayon, not something which we can just glide through. And we cannot overcome it until we acknowledge the fact that it is painful, and it is hard. Then we can work on overcoming it. (The Chumash does say that "Avraham arose early in the morning" ...because he was excited to DO THE WILL OF HASHEM; NOT to kill his son)

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About the Author

Emuna Braverman

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Please check out Emuna’s new book A Diamond for Your Daughter – A Parent’s Guide to Navigating Shidduchim Effectively, available through Judaica Press

Emuna Braverman has a law degree from the University of Toronto and a Masters in in Clinical Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy from Pepperdine University. She lives with her husband and nine children in Los Angeles where they both work for Aish HaTorah. When she isn''t writing for the Internet or taking care of her family, Emuna teaches classes on Judaism, organizes gourmet kosher cooking groups and hosts many Shabbos guests. She is the cofounder of www.gourmetkoshercooking.com.