Dear Emuna: My Chubby Daughter

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Dear Emuna: My Chubby Daughter

Dear Emuna,

My 14 year-old daughter is a little chubby – not obese but on the plump side. Some of the kids at school tease her (not her good friends) and I know it causes her pain. But she doesn’t seem to do anything about it. I try to have some healthy alternatives in the house but she heads straight for the cookies. Should I be more direct and confront her on the issue?

Her Pain is My Pain

Dear Empathic Mom,

Someone will perhaps suggest that having the cookies in the house is not a good idea, that if you really want your daughter to lose weight you should purge your home of sweets. That is not a philosophy I agree with for many reasons. Since she is no longer a small child, her access to fattening foods is not restricted to your home. If you ban it from the home, she will simply buy it herself and eat it a friend’s.

I have also seen, not infrequently, that children raised in homes with no sweets have less self-control when they are available than children allowed treats in moderation. My friend told me her own story of hiding in the closet to eat cookies and I’ll never forget the kids (now middle-aged parents themselves) who used to grab six chocolates at a time from the candy dish my mother put out for guests. Not only is it an ineffective strategy but it is not the lesson we want our children to learn.

If the teasing of her peers doesn’t motivate her, your gentle suggestions or even nagging, certainly won’t.

I am heartened by the fact that your daughter does have good friends and therefore even more convinced that you need to keep your mouth shut. She is obviously aware of her situation. If the teasing of her peers (whose opinion really counts right now!) doesn’t motivate her, your gentle suggestions or even nagging, certainly won’t.

She will have to decide on her own when and if to make some changes. She will have to find the inner will power and discipline. You cannot give that to her.

In the meantime, however, you can continue to provide healthy options and lots of love and encouragement. It is easier to make positive choices when you feel good about yourself than when you don’t. If she feels loved, supported and confident, that is much more important for her well-being.

Although you certainly want her to be fit and attractive, since you began by mentioning that she is plump and not obese, I would try to concentrate more on appreciating internal qualities and developing those rather than the external ones. This is a chance for both of you to focus on where her beauty truly lies.

Emuna

Dear Emuna,

I am the parent of four children, 3 boys ages 21, 24 and 30, and one daughter, 28. The two older boys are married to lovely Jewish girls (I even have two granddaughters!) but my daughter is having a very hard time meeting “the right guy.” Not only does she get discouraged about it but I have a hard time bolstering her spirits because I get down also. Do you have any uplifting words of inspiration for me?

Typical Jewish Mom

Dear Typical Jewish Mom,

I think all mothers everywhere can empathize with your situation. There are some things we want so badly for our children (and ourselves!) that we just can’t make happen. Therein, however, lies the comfort. Whether one's daughter is religiously observant and meets her potential spouse via a matchmaker or whether she is more secular and is fixed up by friends or meets in a social setting, the ultimate answer remains the same. It is in the Almighty’s hands. You can ask all your friends for ideas, you can arrange the meeting with a boy who sounds just right, but whether they will click or not, whether they will be able to envision a future together, is out of our hands. That is the Almighty’s job. It is something only He can engineer. That’s why one of the seven blessings recited under the chupah states that the Almighty creates gladness and joy, the bride and the groom

Repeat this over and over to yourself: whatever happens is for your daughter's best.

Their connection, their happiness, is the Almighty’s creation. This is the ultimate comfort (and sometimes the ultimate frustration); it is not in our hands. We can’t make it happen, however much we would like to. Of course we need be responsible and put in our requisite effort. And if it doesn’t happen exactly when we would like it to, it follows that this too is the Almighty’s doing, that this too is good.

God has our daughter’s best interests more in mind than we do (as hard as that is to believe!) and whatever happens is for the best – for you and your daughter. It is helpful to repeat this over and over – and over – to yourself.

Emuna

Dear Emuna,

I live in a mid-sized American city where there are no school buses for day school children. I have to schlep back and forth 45 minutes to an hour in the morning and afternoon every day, depending on the traffic. I feel very resentful of the time and end up snapping at my kids. I need to get out of my funk. Any suggestions?

Carpool Mom

Dear Behind the Driver’s Seat,

I heard a nice story on a marriage tape once that I think could be applied here. There was a certain place that this couple had to drive to frequently. Every time they went there, the wife complained that her husband took the longest way possible. Her husband was seemingly oblivious to her comments since he never changed his route.

Finally she decided to change her attitude. Instead of feeling frustrated, she would focus on enjoying spending the extra time with her spouse. That changed the whole experience from one she dreaded to one she eagerly anticipated.

I don’t know if I can get you to eagerly anticipate carpool but I do think it’s possible to view it in a more positive light.

We can begin by being grateful for the option of Jewish day schools for our children. This has not always been the case. In many times and still in many communities they don’t exist. We should also appreciate that we have the wherewithal to send our children there. Not everyone that wants to, can.

But most of all we can approach carpool as an opportunity to spend time with our children. It is a rare moment in time when they are a “captive audience” and we can share thoughts with them or hear about their days. Once they get in the house, they tend to disperse rapidly.

Carpool in the morning gives us a chance to send them off with our ideas, words and love ringing in their ears.

The longer they spend in school, they less time they are with us. Carpool in the morning gives us a chance to send them off with our ideas, words and love ringing in their ears. At the end of the day, we get a recap and a chance to hug them, either figuratively or literally before homework, dinner, bedtime – the mad drill – begins.

And you’d be surprised by what you can learn about your children, their friends, their teachers, their viewpoints, if you are just quiet and patient.

Yes, a school bus would be easier – but that’s more time away from you, your influence, your values, and less time to enjoy your family.

Emuna

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Published: April 2, 2011

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Visitor Comments: 24

(22) Anonymous, February 20, 2012 7:27 AM

Carpool

We have done a lot of driving with our kids and we found it was very helpful to play cd's and tapes with stories. Through the years our children have learned a lot from the cd's they've listened to, and we found that if they were occupied with listening they were not interested in fighting with each other!

(21) Marni Levin, February 13, 2012 9:02 AM

Carpool stories

When our kids were young and went to school by carpool, we used to make up or tell interesting stories during the drive. We all enjoyed it and even now that they are grown, our kids still remember those enjoyable carpool stories!

(20) Anonymous, October 30, 2011 3:55 AM

healthy eating

Some children are very receptive to information on healthy eating, if the focus is on being healthy, not losing weight. Children don't like to be "forced" to eat their fruits and vegetables or go on the treadmill but if you try to focus on how eating healthfully can also be fun (such as by involving your kids in planning menus and cooking or even having a their own garden) and make physical activity fun (think outside the box if your kids are natural athletes) you may be successful, and praise, never criticize their physical appearance.

(19) Susan, April 13, 2011 7:10 AM

Wow. Not one mention of getting the chubby daughter into sports!

The chubby daughter isn't just chubby from food, she's chubby from inactivity. Help her find fun ways to get out and move! Life isn't made for sitting. Fun is activity!

(18) Anonymous, April 10, 2011 5:40 AM

I had that same weight issue as a teen

I am now 30 lbs lighter than I was when I was 14. I blamed my mother for having cookies in the house to which she replied that I need to have more self control. I took up kick boxing and used cardio workout techniques to help build my muscle tone. I made it my duty to work out regularly though not compulsively. It was a lot fun and it worked. I now don't exercise as intensely as I used to but I do go on power walks for 40 minutes every night. Sometime I walk home from work on a nice day rather than taking the bus. Some people use the scare tactics on their daughters telling them that if they hope to find a good shidduch, they should physically look their best and make dramatic lifestyle changes in order to get noticed.Yes, people start very young.They are told to watch what they eat and exercise more than they usually do till they are a dress size 2. I find it amusing that once people are married, they slack off and resume their habits after having a couple of kids.Whats the purpose of going through all that trouble to lose weight if you are going to gain it all back anyways? I certainly don't intend to do that.

(17) Rhonda Stock, April 8, 2011 12:30 PM

To Typical Mom

I'm sure it must produce a lot of anxiety waiting and wondering if your daughter will find her bashert. I waited and wondered for a very long time, but as another person who commented said, the time has to be right. Some people need more time than others to be ready for marriage. I had to find myself spiritually and religiously and that took most of my 30's. Thank G-d I was still able to have a wonderful child in my 40's. Everyone is different in so many ways. Possibly even your daughter is unaware of the reason(s) HaShem hasn't found a husband for her yet. But when the time is right, it will happen, b'ezrat HaShem.

(16) Anonymous, April 7, 2011 10:01 PM

Carpool as opportunity

Your response to the writer resentful of her carpooling time was very good. How i miss those carpooling days -- though I never expected I would. On the long solo trips I listened to the complete set of Ken Spiro's tapes on history from the Jewish perspective. When the children were in the car I would enjoy hearing them argue over what they had learned at school. She just needs to remember that time in the car is NOT time wasted -- just time used differently.

(15) Anonymous, April 6, 2011 5:12 PM

"Whether one's daughter is religiously observant and meets her potential spouse via a matchmaker or whether she is more secular and is fixed up by friends or meets in a social setting". You are suggesting that people who choose to be set up by friends or meet in a social environment are not torah observant. They may be more modern if they choose to do this, but the to say that they are "secular" and the ones who use shadchan's are "torah observant" is just not true.

(14) L.S., April 6, 2011 4:33 PM

To typical mom: G-d only knows perfect timing!

To Typical Mom, We are living in a different era. Gone are the days where a woman must be married by 22 lest she be an old maid. Many women-including several in my own family--have had very healthy pregnancies and children well into their early 40's. It's not how old you are when you get married, but who you get married to! You wouldn't want her to get married just to get settled, only to G-D forbid divorce a few years later! Gd knows only perfect timing--her mate will come when she is ready for it. A couple of years ago, I prayed to find my spouse. But in retrospect, my life still have one or two more stages to go through before I was ready. I am confident that Gd knows only perfect timing for everyone--the moment I am ready for him, Gd will send him my way, and the same thing for your daughter--when she is ready, Gd will deliver the perfect man for her.

(13) Elizabeth, April 5, 2011 8:43 PM

carpool mum

I LIKE TO USE TRIPS LIKE THESE TO LISTEN TO SOME SORT OF AUDIO TEACHING LIKE TORAH STUDY OR SCRIPTURE MEMORY SONGS.THAT WAY I KNOW THAT I AM USING THE TIME TO BUILD INTO OUR LIVES .....PLUS I ALWAYS HAVE A CAPTIVE AUDIENCE!!!!!!LOL

(12) Maureen Whitehouse, April 4, 2011 4:05 PM

We all crave love

Through my work with thousands of teens and people of all ages I've discovered that the basic hunger we all feel is the hunger to be loved unconditionally. At best, our parents are meant to be our first example of such love. Just loving and accepting your daughter EXACTLY as she is now will show her that you see her as much more than just a body - that will root her in a sense of self-esteem that will inwardly prompt her to make better choices - not just with food - but in all important aspects of her life. At best we teach our children by example.... show her how to love herself unconditionally, by first treating yourself really well and lovingly with regard to food - and then share your revelations and joy around that experience with her... this will go a long way in binging delight to the dinner table and to many other areas of your life. Big blessings to you and your beautiful daughter! Enjoy one another and expect mircles! All there is is love.

(11) Anonymous, April 4, 2011 2:44 PM

Move to Israel - plenty of schools to choose from, much closer and cheaper

Consider Aliyah. And yes, they do have English speaking schools for older children. http://www.nbn.org.il/aliyahpedia/schools-a-higher-education.html

(10) Anonymous, April 4, 2011 12:39 PM

Just from my own experience, it's a big assumption that a 14 year old, even a very bright one, knows exactly how "losing weight" works. I believe that many women (men too, probably) don't learn--or don't actually understand or believe--that there are ways to safely and healthfully lose weight until much later, after years of yo-yo dieting and damaged self esteem... Even if not for losing weight-- this is the age (around 14) when girls need to be learn how to make smart and healthy decisions for themselves-- I think a conversation about good and bad things to eat, the importance of exercise, etc. --as well as modeling healthy decision-making-- would be more effective than leaving it to your daughter to choose between say, the carrots and the cookies.

(9) Suzanne, April 4, 2011 3:31 AM

Pleasingly Plump: Daughter-Mother Dilemma

The fourteen year old knows she's heavy and would probably be delighted to lose weight. Simply smashing looks are the dream of any teenage girl. Suggest she take up track & field with some kids from school. This is what my daughter did when she was thirteen years old, lost weight, got fit, and had fun. Soon she was scrutinizing her food choices (she cut down on sweets) and was dressing with flair. She felt good about herself and looked fantastic. One or two peers might be able to really motivate her. She needs to "get moving". Good luck!

Anita, April 6, 2011 1:56 AM

too fat/too thin

My daughter over dieted and is now too thin. That's another problem that I don't wish on anyone. We are never happy -maybe let's concentrate on being healthy instead of thin.

(8) Anonymous, April 4, 2011 3:00 AM

Overeaters Anonymous

If your daughter is unable to stop eating and she asks for help, try oa.org. It is very aligned with Jewish principles.

Elisheva, April 4, 2011 7:10 PM

Alternative

Did you try Soveya? Check it out! Torah-based program, tried & proven. Hatzlacha! soveya.com

(7) Ruth Broch, April 4, 2011 3:00 AM

Come home!

Enough with the problems of Jewish day schools! If you want your children to have a Jewish education and live in a Jewish environment - come home to Israel

(6) Gila, April 3, 2011 11:55 PM

Consider those miles as "Mitzvah miles"

My kids go to a day school where there is bus service from the local shul and I still choose to drive them each way. It's not always easy, but I look at these miles as "mitzvah miles" and it changes everything! I also listen to motivational tapes or Torah tapes when they are not in the car, and I find that the time goes by fast and I am inspired and in a better mood when I pick them up! You are doing a great thing by driving them. They may not express their appreciation now, but the time you spend with them is priceless (it goes SO FAST!) and one day, iy"H, they will treasure these drives as well, even if it is in retrospect!

(5) miriam, April 3, 2011 11:42 PM

Be proactive!

I'd like to suggest ways to make the long car ride more enjoyable for mothers and children. There are so many fabulous cd's out there for them to enjoy. Singing together can be a huge bonding experience. Forget today's current cds, take out some old Carlebach cds and introduce your children to real soul music! Besides the musical cds there are fabulous cds with inspiring stories for youngsters, and of course there are always Paysach Krohn's cds- he's always enlightening as well as entertaining, and even young ones can learn to enjoy and appreciate his teachings.

(4) Meir Green, April 3, 2011 5:34 PM

Meir's Plan for Losing Weight While You Sleep

I'd like to share my easy weight-loss idea with you. Keep a regular daily sleep and meal schedule, despite those family events. Understand your body metabolism: try to eat only when your body is truly awake (when your temperature is not low). Get up early in the morning to praise G-d. Don't eat before praying. Go to bed on time, before you get the munchies. Achieve at least moderate activity during the day! I like to walk along the sea for an hour a few times a week. If you don't have extra time, then take a walk near work (the Israeli wildflowers are gorgeous now!), instead of just heading to the kitchenette for that extra mid-afternoon snack. Take the steps instead of riding the elevator. Thanking G-d: You can say the blessing "Asher Yatsar" to thank G-d for creating the amazing human body with such great wisdom!

(3) Another Jewish Mom, April 3, 2011 4:42 PM

Response to A TYPICAL JEWISH MOM

I agree wholeheartedly with Emuna's answer to Typical Jewish Mom. Coincidentally (or is it by Divine Porividence) I also have four grown children, 3 boys and 1 girl B'H. I have recently (over one year now) reconnected to authentic Judaism, and it has made a most interesting difference in my life. Have emuna (faith) that G-d does everything for the very best. Doing a few new mitzvahs helps too as a connection to the Almighty and all will be good. Having said that, I have one available son---a gem if I may say so myself :). The age would definitely work for her 28-year old daughter. If Typical Jewish Mom and her daughter is interested, let Emuna know and perhaps some good will come out of all of this plus a lesson as well. Thank you for your great answers to those in search of advice. Another Jewish Mom

(2) Dina, April 3, 2011 3:12 PM

contemplate the merits!

Once when I got irritated when I needed to drive my sons to yeshiva (a 40 minute ride each way) I had a flash of inspiration. I realized that since I had to do this chore anyway, I might as well have the Kavana (intention) that I was doing the mitzvah of taking them to learn Torah. The longer the trip was, the more merit the mitzvah earned me. (When you do a mitzvah with intention, it is a fuller expression of the mitzvah) I am not an expert, but I think I remember that someone told me that the gemora says that this is one of the ways a mother gets to olam haba! It was just a re-framing of my mindset, but it really helped! I became happy and motivated to do it (this was in addition to the opportunity to enjoy their company).

(1) Anonymous, April 3, 2011 1:32 PM

Your advice is golden. I learn much from what you say

Thank you

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About the Author

Emuna Braverman

Please check out Emuna’s new book A Diamond for Your Daughter – A Parent’s Guide to Navigating Shidduchim Effectively, available through Judaica Press

Emuna Braverman has a law degree from the University of Toronto and a Masters in in Clinical Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy from Pepperdine University. She lives with her husband and nine children in Los Angeles where they both work for Aish HaTorah. When she isn''t writing for the Internet or taking care of her family, Emuna teaches classes on Judaism, organizes gourmet kosher cooking groups and hosts many Shabbos guests. She is the cofounder of www.gourmetkoshercooking.com.