Dear Emuna: Teenage Driver

Dear Emuna,

My daughter just turned 16 and she really wants to get her driver’s license. She is constantly whining about it and complains that we are overprotective. She says that “all the other parents let.” Should be just give in? Is she right?

- Parents of Teenagers

Dear POT,

I think there are at least two separate issues here. One is the oft-repeated expression, “All the other parents let.” If I had a dollar for every time an adolescent said that…It is almost never true and is almost always a tool for manipulation. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be flexible. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t listen to reasonable arguments. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t evaluate the seriousness of the situation (I have changed my mind and given in to many a sleepover request when it turns out that the other parents do in fact “let”.)

The specific issue at stake is driving. I’ve always been in favor of raising the driving age until I heard some recent study results. Apparently in states where the legal driving age is now 18 instead of 16, there are few accidents among 16-year-olds – for obvious reasons. But guess what has increased? That’s right, the number of accidents in the 18-year-old category. There is no question that driving is risky – and traumatic for the parents. But it is a risk the world accepts. It is part of growing up. It is part of creating adults from children.

I think we cripple our kids when we hold them back from the reasonable experiences of their peers due to our anxiety. Each step of our children’s independence is difficult for us. It means they are growing up – and away from us. Almost nothing marks that more dramatically than getting a driver’s license and the “freedom” it provides. We have to give them appropriate guidelines (it’s not you we don’t trust, it’s the other guy) and rules, lessons and cautions – and lots of practice. And then we have to let go and recognize that just like everything else, this too is in the Almighty’s hands.

- Emuna

Dear Emuna,

My husband and I have a very good marriage. We can talk about anything and we enjoy each other’s company. Our parenting styles are even in sync. There is only one issue that can sometimes be a source of conflict. My husband is outgoing and gregarious. He loves a big party and a “happening” scene. I am more introverted. I don’t enjoy the noise and commotion of a big gathering. And I especially don’t enjoy the social expectations. I like conversations with a small group of friends. Sometimes I feel like I am holding him back from having fun and that there’s something wrong with me. Doesn’t everyone love a good party?

- Loner

Dear Party Animal – Not,

Only one issue? You are one lucky lady. The Almighty made all different types of people with different character traits. Some are extroverted and some are introverted. Neither quality is morally superior to the other. They are just different aspects of who we are. And we can not be who we aren’t. You and your husband were probably attracted to each other because you each wanted a little of what you lacked, a little of what your partner has. So enjoy it. If your husband had wanted a party girl, he would have married one.

You can each engage in separate activities on occasion where the desires of your natures clash. And, like all other areas of marriage, you may also be required to compromise. You may have to accompany him to some large social gatherings. He may stay home with you and a small group of friends, or maybe just you! You can both learn and grow from each other and from your separate and different experiences. The key is not to judge each other – or yourself. Like I said, neither quality is superior (although sometimes society places more value on the extrovert). This is the way the Almighty made you – and He doesn’t make mistakes.

- Emuna

Dear Emuna,

We are constantly opening our home to guests. And both my husband and I love it. I don’t mind the effort because I enjoy the experience. Sometimes our guests are friends and sometimes they are strangers. I don’t expect them to help me cook or set the table of even bring a gift (although I happen to think it’s good character and says something about their mother if they don’t). But there is one thing that bothers me.

My husband always clears the table (with my children’s help) and sometimes the guests just sit there while he does. He doesn’t complain but it really bothers me. Any tips on dealing with this?

- (Mostly) Happy Hostess

Dear Hostess,

If your husband’s example doesn’t spur them to get up and clear, it’s hard to imagine anything will, other than perhaps a direct request. It requires a particular obtuseness and self-centeredness to sit idly by, not lifting a finger, as your host clears the table. That is an ingrained bad character trait that you are most likely not going to change. If you want to continue to have guests, you need to make peace with it. I do confess that if the guests are outright rude, this may be their first – and only – invitation. I personally do expect participation in the conversation when people come for a meal (otherwise I feel like a waitress for “party of two at the end of the table”) but maybe some of them are actually more introverted like the writer in question #2 and I am judging unfavorably! You need to be solely a giver – with no expectations of anything in return. It’s the only way to do any type of kindness. And I guess it is just possible that if they watch often enough, you will slowly make an impact – perhaps on their choice of mate anyway.

- Emuna

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Published: October 2, 2011

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Visitor Comments: 13

(11) Anonymous, April 19, 2012 6:26 PM

Hostess

While I do think that overall, if guests don't help out, or don't bring a gift, it is because overall, they're ungrateful; still I would beg to differ on the generalization. Gifts can be given in so many different ways - time, showing caring, kindness, sharing of what they do have, giving a Dvar Torah etc....these are all "gifts". Also, "company" is also a gift (I know one family that just love the company). Also, one should understand that giving a gift every week, turns out to be very expensive over a year. Imagine you spend just $10 per week, that comes to $540 a year, not including special holidays. I have been to different families, and some have personally requested that I don't help out at all. I generally try to take a few things off the table, and make sure to thank the host and hostess, commenting on how nice the food and decor was. Sometimes the clearing up is difficult because the kitchen is often full with dirty dishes and serving up dishes, so space is limited. Clearing up adds to the clutter in the kitchen (which is sometimes difficult to clean up). So it really depends on different families, lifestyles and cultures. Also, the families that have specifically asked me not to clean up, usually say, that its our mitzvah that we had such great guests, and we want to show our appreciation by cleaning up. Having the guests clean up can be seen as a certain embarrassment to them. Also, I know another family that specifically asks the guests not to help out, so the children get good chinuch about cleaning up after themselves. How can it be good chinuch if all the guests clean the table, before the kids get a chance!

Anonymous, November 11, 2012 5:58 PM

"..understand that giving a gift every week, turns out to be very expensive over a year. Imagine you spend just $10 per week, that comes to $540 a year, not including special holidays." While there is definitely a cost involved in giving gifts to hosts, it can not be ignored that the $10 per week for a gift per host most likely is much less than the cost of preparing that shabbat or yom tov meal at home for 2 adults, and certainly if children are involved! If the hosts are inviting guests whom they know can not afford to bring gifts, and to do so would be a financial burden, the hosts would have most likely made clear, though sensitively, that they do not want their guests bearing gifts.

(10) Anonymous, April 19, 2012 5:13 PM

Teenage Driver

Rebbetzin Braverman did an excellent job at addressing the fears of the Parent of Teenager who wants to drive. However, there is a practical solution. The parent feels anxiety because the teenager is as-yet inexperienced, and to some extent irresponsible, and therefore the parent(s) are hesitant to let the teenager take the wheel. I would have a heart-to-heart talk with the teenager. Perhaps is a simple question of giving the teenager more space - allowances for going out a little bit later, or feeling freer to do things. These are general issues, that require sensitivity. Teenagers need to learn that respect, and responsibility are traits that are earned, not automatically given. So they need to be given the opportunity to show that they are responsible. I would sit down with the teenager and say, "look: We want you to be responsible, we want you look after yourself, and we want you to be safe, because we love you and we want you to be protected from harm. These are the reasons that we don't want you behind the wheel right now. However, we realize that you're a responsible, careful teenager and that you need to eventually be able to look after yourself and we want to feel that you're a responsible person. So, we want you to show that you're careful and responsible. Then we can allow you to do things that other careful, responsible people do, like drive." Then I would then organize chores, and things to do around the house and at school that show that you're a responsible adult - perhaps starting a chessed project to help wayward kids, or volunteering at the local hospital etc. etc. These things create responsibility. Then what I would do, is also show your teenager, your fears and what the risks are in driving, and how to make informed choices. During this time, I would also enable them to get practice learning to drive, so the goal is there....These are my 2 cents suggestions.

(9) Yosef, October 6, 2011 6:52 PM

Emuna misunderstood the research

Unfortunately, the research upon which Emuna based her recommendation for the parent of a teenage driver was misrepresented. The way Emuna presented the research, one could understand that some beginner drivers are going to die, and the age at which you start to drive doesn't matter. The research says nothing of the sort. What researchers found was that in states that had strict licensing requirements and driving restrictions for drivers under 18 (known as graduated licensing), some under-18's chose not to get their license. Those states did experience a rise in 18-year-old driver deaths, almost exclusively among those who skipped the graduated licensing period. However, the overall number of deaths among beginner drivers was still dramatically reduced. The correct conclusion from this research is that driving is dangerous, and that it takes years of experience behind the wheel before a driver can be considered fully competent. The correct advice to this parent would be that driving is a dangerous and necessary part of life. Do not give your child the keys to the car until you are absolutely confident that your child is mature enough to handle that responsibility. If you live in a state that has graduated licensing, make sure that your child adheres to those laws as well as any other rules you feel appropriate. If you don't live in such a state, enforce your own graduated licensing requirements. The bottom line is that driving a car is not a right to which we become entitled at our 16th birthday. Driving is foremost an awesome responsibility. For the driver, for his or her passengers, and for all people and property with which the car comes in range. Anyone, young or old, who does not understand this, should not be behind the wheel.

(8) Welton, October 4, 2011 4:24 PM

Getting the Driver's License

My daughter got her license at age 16, and like most parents, I was horrified at the prospect that she would drive somewhere and get hurt. My wife and I were following our daughter home one night and I looked at my wife and said, "You know, it is pretty sad when you have to admit you child is a better driver that you are." My wife later told my daughter what I said and I had to admit the truth. She is a better driver than I, but what I give thanks for most is that a loving Hashem looks after and protects her when I can't.

(7) Anonymous, October 4, 2011 3:37 PM

Raising the driving age is not going to make driving any less risky. Insisting that our teenage children take basic driving lessons, safe driving courses, and practice is what will help. I remember reading about parents who presented their 16-year-old daughter with a written contract for safe driving when she got her license. The contract stated that she had to follow all the laws, err on the side of safety, and call her parents for help if needed. Not letting a 16-year-old girl get her license will not keep her safer.

(6) Rachel, October 3, 2011 1:26 AM

Please don't get up...

...I do not want anyone else clearing the table in my home. I was raised with the idea that a host does not have such expectations of guests. (This does not apply to very close friends who are "like family", those who can drop in unannounced and not have a meal specially prepared for them.) I will ask hosts "may I help", but I do not want others handling my dishes (we have our method, which may differ from there's) AND I certainly don't want them carrying the fine crystal to the kitchen.

(5) Chana, October 2, 2011 11:12 PM

I don't expect my guests to clear the table

I don't expect my guests to clear the table, just as I don't expect them to wash the dishes. They're company. And it's easier if I just do it because I know where I want to put things. If I'm at friends' house who I know well, then I'll offer to help clear the table or set the table, but with people I don't see often I don't.

(4) Jen in Oz, October 2, 2011 8:43 PM

learning to drive at 16

My daughter turned 16 in July. Here in Melbourne, if you're under 21, once you have your learner's permit (which you obtain by sitting a computer-based test about road rules) you have to complete a log-book showing that you have 120 hours of supervised practice driving in all situations (day, night, sunny days, rainy days, light and heavy traffic etc) . You can pay for lessons, and most parents do pay for a few, but after that, the supervision of the 120 hours is usually the responsibility of the parents (and sometimes older siblings). I think you are also not legally able to try for your actual drivers' license until you're 18. Once you obtain it, you're on P plates for 3 years so that everyone else on the road knows you're still on Probation. Don't know what the process is in the US, but this seems to me to be a good process to have to follow!

(3) Anonymous, October 2, 2011 7:14 PM

Advice for parents of teenagers!!!

When I was 16 in 1976, I couldn't wait to get my driver's license. Now, as an adult, I think the age should be raised to 18. Even though I think the age should be raised, due to the fact that it is 16 in your state, I will give you sound advice. When I did receive my license on March 1, 1976, my parents would not allow me to drive by myself until they thought I was ready which was three months later. My father or mother would go with me until they thought I was ready to drive by myself. At the time, it bothered me very much that they would not allow me to go by myself, especially because other parents did allow their 16 year olds to drive by themselves as soon as they got their license, but now I give thanks that they did care enough and did not allow me to drive by myself until they thought I was ready. This is the same advice that I am giving to you. Of course, it would be better if the age was raised but due to the fact that it has not been raised, allow your 16 year old to get his or her license but do not allow them to go by themselves until they are ready. They might resent it at first like I did, but they will thank you in the end for caring enough just like I thank my parents for caring enough.

(2) Amhoretz, October 2, 2011 4:31 PM

About driving, it's easier to say no to girls.

To the POT--parents of teenager who's demanding her driver license, don't be shy to JSN (just say no). The downsides of letting her drive in this road-rage era--exposing her to risk of injury & even death, plus exposing yourselves to fear & stress--is much less onerous than the downsides of keeping her a non-driver. In our culture, there is a harsh double standard re. boys & girls who don't drive. Watch couples driving & you'll see that with the vast majority it's the male who's driving. Being a driver--especially when taking a girl on a date--is practically essential for a young man. A non-driving male is at a huge social disadvantag. He might also suffer a significant blow to his self-esteem by missing out on what has become a North American male rite of passage. But none of this would apply to your 16-y-o daughter. All SHE'LL miss out on by not getting her licence is a little bit of fun; that's all. So decide what your priorities are for the time being. You will, however, eventually have to decide that the time for her to drive HAS come.

T, January 1, 2012 3:10 PM

Disagree

...except if your family is like mine, where my sister is the designated driver for her family, and where I drove on every date that I went on with my husband. Also, if you think that a guy will be at a social disadvantage, I can throw it right back atcha about a girl, whose life is much more wrapped up in social things than any guy. And why does a guy have to learn to drive at 16 so that he can drive on a date when most (at least in the community you sound like you're describing) don't even start dating until (approximately) 22? And girls have a lower rate of accidents, and are known to be safer drivers in general? And who says that all every girl will miss out on is "a little bit of fun." Obviously, this writer felt one way, but many girls I know use their license to help their parents out by running errands, etc, and do a lot of kindness that they would not be able to do without a car. Can it be said of most 16 year old boys that they do the grocery shopping for their moms and help out families with special-needs children in their spare time, now that they can drive? Mind you, I got my license at 18, after going through classes, and the required amount of hours. I am the last person who could be called a "religious feminist" but I do think that your comment left out a lot of thought, and was more than a bit biased.

(1) Anonymous, October 2, 2011 2:19 PM

driving: what the insurance industry tells us

insurance rates drop for everyone over the age of 24. that is when everyone has fewer accidents that result in damage to property and injury and death to drivers, passengers and others on the scene. Recently the medical community has discovered that the majority of human beings don't have the necessary neurological integration to drive safely before age 24...so letting people under the age of 24 is a risk. It isn't just emotional maturity, it's physiological. Broken down by sex, females have lower risk of death and injury driving, but a lot of damage to vehicles. To push the point home of the seriousness of driving and it's responsibilities with your own teens try this suggestion: make them pay for their car insurance the first year. If they are okay and the car is okay at the end of that year, then you can foot the bill afterwards. Personally, I wouldn't give a drivers license to anyone under the age of 21. The trauma of teenage auto accidents isn't worth the convenience. My brother died at age 18 in a head on collision. It was his second accident in 6 months. He had been driving for a little over a year.

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Emuna Braverman

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Please check out Emuna’s new book A Diamond for Your Daughter – A Parent’s Guide to Navigating Shidduchim Effectively, available through Judaica Press

Emuna Braverman has a law degree from the University of Toronto and a Masters in in Clinical Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy from Pepperdine University. She lives with her husband and nine children in Los Angeles where they both work for Aish HaTorah. When she isn''t writing for the Internet or taking care of her family, Emuna teaches classes on Judaism, organizes gourmet kosher cooking groups and hosts many Shabbos guests. She is the cofounder of www.gourmetkoshercooking.com.