Dear Emuna: The ATM Parent

HOME
Current Issues
Dear Emuna
Dear Emuna: The ATM Parent

Dear Emuna,

My teenage daughter seems completely disinterested in having a relationship with me. She is constantly on the phone with her friends and our limited communication seems to revolve around the car keys and the credit card. I’m feeling hurt and frustrated. We used to be so close; now I seem to be seen only as an ATM machine. Is there something I am doing wrong? How can I recapture our old feelings?

-- Abandoned Mom

Dear Abandoned Mom,

I’m afraid there is nothing you can do – at least not now anyway. This is pretty typical adolescent behavior (that should at least provide some comfort!). Their friends take the place of their family for much of their teenage years. It’s their friends’ opinions that matter. It’s spending time with their friends that nourishes them. Don’t get in the way or try to block that; it will backfire.

On the other hand, you are not irrelevant (even though it may feel like that). You need to be the stable, reliable force in the background, someone they can turn to when a friendship goes sour, a relationship falls apart, a teacher doesn’t understand them. And they need to know where to find you – don’t change your values or positions.

Just be patient; this phase will pass and at the end your daughter will return to you, as long as you haven’t pushed her away. Don’t be too demanding. You can be principled but allow for some flexibility if she can make a convincing argument (she needs to feel heard). Don’t be afraid to provide structure and boundaries. She may protest but she secretly wants and desperately needs them.

Limit your expectations (i.e. be realistic). Work on your sense of humor. Be available for those (rare) moments when she actually does want to talk to you – no matter the time.

And whatever you do, do not buy her her own car or give her her own credit card. Then she’ll never speak to you!

-- Emuna

Dear Emuna,

As the youngest, I have constantly accepted the brunt of emotional negativity from each of my parents, stemming from conflict within themselves and between each other. I always felt like my parents "emotional garbage bag.” My happiest moments were always away from my home- with my friends or siblings. Thank God, I’ve been blessed with many other people who love and show their support for me and I’ve developed into an emotionally healthy, spiritual girl. My year away in Israel was the greatest time in my life; I loved being away from the tension. Now I’m back home and miserable. The constant tension eats away at my happiness and ability to do well in college. Even then, my parents complain that I am distant. I’m at a loss for how to handle this situation to preserve my own emotional stability.

-- Triangulated Daughter

Dear Monkey in the Middle,

I applaud you for recognizing the need to preserve your own emotional stability. And for understanding that your parents are taking out their problems on you – that it’s about them, not you. This is, unfortunately, an all-too-common dynamic in families. Parents frequently use a child as the repository of all their needs that aren’t being fulfilled through the marriage or otherwise and the child becomes the conduit for all emotional communication between the parents. This is an extremely unhealthy situation and you need to do what you can to extricate yourself from it.

I am assuming that finances and social pressure precludes you from living out of your parents’ home; otherwise, such a move would certainly ease the tension and be healthier for you. Since you mention that you have a good support system of friends and siblings, you need to continue your reliance on them. Spend as much time out of the house as possible – and spend that time with people who nurture you and give you strength. When at home, you need to ignore your parents’ complaints and retreat to your room as much as possible. That should be your oasis of security and sanity.

Friends help. Siblings help. Therapists and mentors can help. And when all else fails and you feel most alone, pull out your book of Psalms (no one had more challenges than King David!) – or use your own words – and pour out your to your one truly loving Parent.

-- Emuna

Dear Emuna,

We raised all our children to have a deep love for the land of Israel. We held many charitable functions in our home to raise money and support the state. We visited frequently and pushed our friends to go too. Now our oldest daughter who is married with three children has decided she wants to make aliyah. We are thrilled that our lessons have had such an impact but devastated that she is moving so far away. And taking our grandchildren with her. What should we do?

-- Hypocritical Mom

Dear Hypocritical Mom,

I don’t think you are a hypocrite. You still recognize the importance of the land of Israel. You just couldn’t have anticipated how painful it would be to have your children and grandchildren move across the globe. You are just a normal “Bubby” who loves her family and loves spending time with them.

But I’m not sure I understand your question. What should you do? What could you do? What options do you think you have? This was not and is not your decision. It is your daughter’s decision – presumably made in consultation with her husband. It is a choice they have made for their family and, quite honestly, there is nothing you can do about it.

All you can do is accept it with grace and with a smile. You don’t want your desire for closeness to end up actually damaging the relationship. You should praise their courage and offer to help shop and pack. You should be supportive in every way possible and pray for their success. You can deepen your pride in their conviction and commitment. You can take pleasure in having raised such committed children. Put on a brave face (she needs you to), do not list for them any of the disadvantages of the move, and start looking for cheap tickets to go visit.

-- Emuna

Submit Comment

Published: November 26, 2011

Ask Emuna a Question (Click here)

Like this article? Help us create more. Aish.com exists
only through the support of our readers.

Visitor Comments: 9

(9) miriam, November 30, 2011 4:21 PM

2 answers

firstly, to the post seminary girl at home: there is great book called cutting loose. it describes breaking from your parents emotionally, but in a respectful way that lets you keep a relationship while setting healthy boundaries. also, try to talk to someone who really knows bout this stuff and a rav. sometimes you may have to be "chuzpadik" in order to stay sane in your home and it helps to have a rav you can talk to. secondly, to the grandma- skype is wonderful! with todays techonoloy you can really stay connected. make sure they have an american phoneline, internet and skype and you can talk to and see the grandkids as often as you would like.

(8) Meira Svirsky, November 29, 2011 1:43 PM

To Abandoned Mom

There's a great parenting book out that addresses this very problem. It's called, "Hold On To Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers" by Gordon Neufeld, PhD. and Gabor Mate, M.D. Read it before giving up on restoring your relationship with your teenage daughter, and offering to take her out to lunch every week doesn't hurt either. Good luck!

(7) Bob Rabinoff, November 28, 2011 7:23 AM

Kids moving to Israel

Take it as an excuse to visit Israel more often yourself! I'm planning on moving to Israel, and when I asked my kids if they'd come visit they all jumped at the idea. Gd bless your daughter and her family and may He keep them safe and happy there.

(6) Anonymous, November 28, 2011 1:53 AM

Think any decision through!!!

When I was single and in college in the year 1982, I was always involved in Jewish youth organizations and interested in making aliyah. My parents tried to discourage me from making aliyah and wanted me to finish my college education. They warned me not to make aliyah and not to marry an Israeli girl but I did not listen and did the opposite of what they said. Residing in Israel and being married to an Israeli for 28 years, I now know that my parents were absloutely right. I regretted and will always regret the decision to drop out of college and move to Israel. My marriage has been extremely difficult since the beginning of the marriage making my life miserable plus the fact that it is not so easy living in Israel aside from the fact that I have a wonderful synagogue and wonderful circle of friends in the city where I reside. Also, it is extremely difficult for parents and grandparents to be separated from their children and grandchildren. Any decision should be thought out and discussed very thoroughly before making the final move.

(5) Carol, November 27, 2011 10:08 PM

Monkey in the middle

Wonderful advice Emuna, As this young person clearly feels her boundaries of her parenting needs are impacting on her own development, it is important that she also explains to each parent just how hard this experience is and how it impacts further on other issues in her life. Some parents in the throws of a divorce, or its aftermath may need to be confronted directly first. Most loving parents would want to correct the problem themselves with their child before bringing in outside helpers, which may further triangulate the situation. I also wish to add that there are so many variables to this situation in general. IE a child's age and appropriate information, and parental responses versus a teenager or young adult, who can be grappling with their own identity, or later in the throws of establishing a permanent relationship or home when dealing with these issues and their impact. There may be concerns that one parent has health issues and/ economic hardship which may directly or indirectly impact on the grown child. For this reason, they may feel essential to the process of helping to resolving the issues if one parent has no viable support or resources in the process.

(4) Carol, November 27, 2011 9:49 PM

Bridging the Gap

Emuna, These are all such very helpful suggestions. It also helped me with my children to find out what their main interests, sometimes of the moment, really were. Rather than your connection be characterized by a car or an ATM card, have your time spent with each child, even if only for half an hour, sometimes, engaged in their interests, or passion of the moment. It might be as simple as reading, seeing, and discussing her favourite topic, show, movie, regardless of your tastes. It might be accompanying her to shop for a favourite item, or just a discussion in a new place, about the simple areas of interest, that sometimes will lead to discussing other parts of their lives. Listen, really, listen, without initially judging or offering unsolicited opinions. It might take a while, butat some point you should be finally on your way to bridging the dependence- independence growing gap, that usually resolves around later more settled years.

(3) Alan S., November 27, 2011 9:09 PM

I agree with Ginny. The first two letters could be flip sides of the same equation. In the second letter, the author writes "as the youngest". This immediately made me think that she is experiencing the bitter fruits of the classic difficulty that parents go thru when facing the empty nest syndrome. Of course, it is difficult for any child to experience the turmoil that the parents may be exhibiting. The child needs to to have their own happiness and meaningful life, and not be an extension of the parents difficulty in finding happiness and meaning in their own life not having to do with children. Yet, the parent in the first letter -- regardless of whether he or she is facing an empty nest syndrome -- obviously misses the closeness that existed prior to the child maturing. Ms. Braverman gave excellent advice to this letter writer.

(2) FRAN DUFF, November 27, 2011 4:38 PM

All Part Of Being a Parent

Try to remember when you were a teen-ager. We tell them that they are not old enough and the next minute we are telling them to grow up. The teen years are not fun for the teen-age and not the parent. The one thing you must remember that you are her mother and not her mate. You will become close again when she gets older as I have noticed with most of my friends that have daughters. If you can look back to your teen years you will remember you most likely gave your mother the same as what is happening with your own daughter. Be her parent to guide her along the way. Hope for the very best and just be their for her because she will always need you. Pray to haShem to watch over her as well. Take care and G-d bless. Things will get better as she grows old.

(1) Ginny, November 27, 2011 4:25 PM

2 sides of same problem?

I look at the first & second letters & wonder if they are from the same family! Your answers are so different! In the first you talk about being open, understanding, & accepting of the teenage child, while in the second you accept what could be an incorrect assessment of the parents' "problems." These could be the opposite sides of the same problem. I wonder how different your answers would be if you knew that information!

See All Comments

stub

About the Author

Emuna Braverman

Please check out Emuna’s new book A Diamond for Your Daughter – A Parent’s Guide to Navigating Shidduchim Effectively, available through Judaica Press

Emuna Braverman has a law degree from the University of Toronto and a Masters in in Clinical Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy from Pepperdine University. She lives with her husband and nine children in Los Angeles where they both work for Aish HaTorah. When she isn''t writing for the Internet or taking care of her family, Emuna teaches classes on Judaism, organizes gourmet kosher cooking groups and hosts many Shabbos guests. She is the cofounder of www.gourmetkoshercooking.com.