_(english).jpg)
A woman wrote to the "Ethicist" with the following question. Her otherwise "courteous and competent real-estate agent" refused to shake her hand after signing a brokerage contract, explaining that as an Orthodox Jew he does not touch women. The woman described herself as both "shocked and offended." But since she was a good liberal who, in addition to opposing "sex discrimination of all sorts," also "supports freedom of religious expression," she was in a quandary.
The Ethicist, one Randy Cohen, told her that she was entitled to work with someone "who will treat you with the dignity and respect he shows his male clients." He deemed it irrelevant that the agent was acting in accord with his deepest religious beliefs: "Sexism is sexism, even when motivated by religious convictions." Cohen agreed that the action was "offensive" -- nothing less than an attempt to "render a class of people untouchable" -- and calling it religious "doesn't make it right."
For good measure, he cited the US Supreme Court's ruling in Brown vs. Board of Education that separate educational facilities for black and white students are inherently unequal. In sum, ruled the Ethicist, "I believe you should tear up your contract."
Frankly, in polyglot New York, I would have expected a message of greater tolerance for practices that at first strike us as strange. The real-estate agent, after all, did not ask anything of the woman. He did not request her to don a long skirt and shawl, as tens of thousands of ardent feminists do every year upon entering St. Peter's Cathedral. Nor did he withhold anything tangible from her. (Presumably she had no interest in holding his hand.)
At most, he engaged in a form of symbolic speech, the message of which both the letter writer and Ethicist misunderstood.
Let's say after signing a brokerage agreement the letter writer had noticed that the broker, an Orthodox woman, was wearing a wig. And let us say that she considered the halacha that a woman, but not a man, must cover her hair "offensive" and denigrating to women. Would the Ethicist have also counseled her to tear up the contract?
Cohen should have answered: It was your decision to be "shocked and offended." Your reaction does not reflect some objective quality inherent in the agent's action. You were shocked only due to a lack of knowledge of a widespread practice among Orthodox Jews.
Similarly, there was nothing inherently offensive about the agent's refusal. Brown v. Board of Education, in which the Supreme Court correctly ruled that in the context of a long-standing history of Jim Crow laws, educational segregation conveys to black children an unmistakable state-sponsored message of inferiority, could not be more inapposite.
Strictly observant Jewish women also do not touch men, so the prohibition clearly does not confer "untouchable" status on one sex or another.
By contrast, the agent made no statement, either implicit or explicit, showing any disrespect for the letter writer in particular or women in general. Strictly observant Jewish women also do not touch men, so the prohibition clearly does not confer "untouchable" status on one sex or another. Rather it proscribes physical contact between sexes equally.
If any statement is being made by the refusal of Orthodox Jews to have any physical contact with members of the opposite sex other than their spouses, children and parents, it is one of respect for their spouses and the sanctity of the marital bond.
Every time an Orthodox man or woman distances him or herself from even the most non-erotic forms of physical contact, he or she is reminded that what is forbidden in this instance is promoted elsewhere - i.e., within the exclusive context of marriage.
Every act of distancing is also an act of drawing close to one's spouse.
A ban on touching acknowledges the natural physical attraction between men and women, and serves as a warning.
True, shaking hands is a pretty innocuous form of contact, and for that reason some Orthodox religious authorities permit it in the business context. But the same claim of innocuousness is made for kissing and hugging in many circles. Rather than stepping onto a slippery slope and leaving the matter to subjective determinations about the erotic content of any particular act, many Orthodox Jews choose to simply avoid any physical contact.
A ban on touching acknowledges the natural physical attraction between men and women, and serves as a warning. Those who observe the ban convey the message that "the erotic element is excluded from our relationship." Far from showing a lack of "dignity and respect" for those of the opposite gender, observance of the ban reflects a determination to treat members of the opposite sex with the utmost respect - as everything but objects of sexual desire. Judging from the proliferation of sexual-harassment charges in work settings and elsewhere, many women would prefer precisely such relationships.
Interestingly, the Ethicist overlooked the most serious ethical lapse of all -- his own advice that the letter writer rip up a contract she had already signed. Nowhere in that contract did the agent undertake to shake the woman's hand. Rather, he agreed to faithfully represent her in the rental of her apartment, and by her own account he stood fully prepared to do so in a competent fashion.
The Ethicist thus advised her to renege on her own solemn promise in order to punish the agent for observing rules that he views as divinely mandated, but which the Ethicist confidently dismissed as merely "sexist" and "offensive."
My guess is that had the Ethicist been named Charley O'Sullivan, not Randy Cohen, he would not have been so casually dismissive of traditional Jewish practice.
See The Jewish Ethicist, Discriminating Against Discrimination to read his answer to the same question.
(31) princeton67 , October 16, 2009
other reasons for avoiding physical contact
Many people avoid physical contact - OCD, Germaphobics, SwineFlu worriers, etc. Their behavior - avoidance, wearing breathing masks - has nothing to do with you, but involves certain personal rules. That's their problem. Getting upset, yours. . See the movie "David and Lisa".
(30) Sohail M Rizki , May 4, 2009
Muslim do not shake hands with opposite sex
This not just jews, Muslims also do not shake hand with opposite sex. It leads to one step closer to do a great sin. First shake hands then hug, then kiss on cheeck and then on lips and what else. Not shaking hand is due to the respect not to insult to someone.
(29) Noelle , March 20, 2009
How can we show mutual respect?
I came to this post because I work with an Orthodox Jewish man. He is very respectful of me and my work, but it is starting to deeply bother me that he will not shake my hand, or give me a greeting that is equal to the one that he gives my male co-workers. I don't wish to make him uncomfortable with a handshake, and I believe that he does not wish me to be uncomfortable either. However, I am, because when he shakes hands with my co-workers and not me, I feel lessened, and singled out due to my gender. It's already hard enough to pave my way in my male-dominated field. I would like to approach him to see if there is a way we can come to an understanding so that I will feel respected as an employee and a co-worker, and he will not feel like he is breaking with his religious beliefs. Any ideas? By the way, I consider my deep-seeded feminism to be at the level of religious belief. By singling me out by my gender and assuming that touch is sexual, or assuming that I am even attracted to men, that is something I do not believe is right. I don't have a holy book to back me up, but that doesn't make my belief any less strong.
(28) Anonymous , January 9, 2009
Appreciated this once explained
I was requested to meet with an orthodox jew in a business setting yesterday and was surprised but not offended that he shook hands with a male colleague but not with myself. He did say "I hope you are not offended" but did not expand. I assumed this was the custom in his religion and respected this. The other women in the office engaged in agitated conversation following his visit and will be pleased to hear that it is a mark of respect.
(27) Anonymous , November 16, 2008
interseted in the truth
I (not an Orthodox Jew) respect people based on who they are. I recently was in a situation in which an Orthodox Jew, of the opposite sex, refused to shake my hand in a business encounter. Instead of explaining his position and religion I was simply told that he does not shake a womans hand. I was offended. Had he taken a moment to explain to me,in my ignorant position, that this shows respect to his wife in his religion I would have understood and not been offended. Alas, no explanation was offered other than that he did not shake a womans hand. I do think that this is a beautiful way to bring your spouse to the most important male/female relationship in your life after reading the explanation here. For all who read this, please, take a moment and further explain to someone who may not have had the opportunity to learn this before. I would not have walked away mad about it if only a little more information had been shared. I don't expect that everyone knows where I come from and how to take everything I say or do because every persons life experience has taught them some things, but not all.