My Escape from Child Abuse

I too was verbally and physically abused. My Mother called us all sorts of names, threw dishes and hit me if I got the answer wrong while 'helping me with my Homework". I am in my early 50's now and I live w. the nightmares in my mind -often time replaying the scenes. After years of therapy and self introspection I believe that while My Mother definitely had 'free choice' and chose to act a certain way she did so out of Narcissisicm. I confronter her 3 yrs ago about how she tortured me and my siblings and with tears tumbling down her face, she admitted, "I was resentful of you kids, resentful that I couldn't do what I wanted to and you got in the way". While I wish w. all my heart that the child I was did not have to suffer as I did, I do notice that I am more compassionate and sensitive towards others and feel for people - I may not have been this sensitive if I had been treated differently. I was always on guard not to pass along the 'abuse' to the next generation and never called my son horrible names or beat him. However G-D does not make mistakes and my soul has to be given certain challenges in this life to make me correct my shortcomings. I will never know why I had to suffer but I do know that I did become a stronger more sensitive soul most probably because of it! Beautiful article, can really relate, Good luck with everything

bs"d Years back Torah life coaching didn't exist & even if it had existed not every parent would have agreed to it. Yashar koach. Sharon R.

It's horrific and disgusting that parents can get away with it. Most of the abused people who wrote in sounded that with a good and stable foster home and lots of love they would have been OK. It really upsets me that in a big city like Toronto where I live we can't find foster homes for all the Jewish kids who need them. What greater act can there be than taking them in? FYI where I live doesn't meet the requirements otherwise I would be taking in someone myself. Bravo to those of you who have managed to build good lives despite your suffering; it is totally understandable that some can never get over this. This article deserves a wider audience.

When I was a young child, I was getting abused in two folds, abuse at home, and abuse in school. You see, I was born to parents who were older, and they would talk to each other in a different language, saying why did we have a son, fi he did not live, then we would have MORE monies, but instead, it got to the point, that I admitted myself to a psychiatric hospital, and my therapst at the time, told my Father and Mother, if you wnat your son to come home, all you have to do is embrace your son and say "I love you", instead my Father and Mother walked out of the unit and I stayed there for an additional 4 more months. Later on when my parents became ill, especially with my Father taking Dialysis, at the end, he would even hit his own Wife, and I stood in the middle, and he would hit me over and over again, and I would have black and blue marks, and I had a choice, protect a Mother or let her die. I still live with the abuse over and over in my head each and every day, like it was yesterday. At times, I wanted to just sleep to stop the abuse, I would even do anything to please them, not to get hit, but no help, and again abused in the school, and my classmates, and I had NO place to go, NO family to rely on, and I had NO to talk to, and I kept it inside of me. No one knew of the abuse, even my own school kept it quiet, but telling other schools or other people that I was a trouble maker, or some other excuse, but I still have it fresh in my mind. So, I understand more than you know it, and even now, I CAN'T even speak this to my OWN therapist of what my Parents or my Classmates or my teachers of wht they did to me, and this was not for weeks, but for months, and even years. Now, each time I see an article like this, I start to cry and remember what those people did to me, and they did NOT get punished at all, they had great lives, and I still have the pain, suffering, heartache, crying, depression, so like I said, it is a very tough road.

This article was a very helpful article for me, because I have been struggling with the 'honor thy mother and father commandment', and I have abusive parents. I have set boundaries. Sadly, my parents have shown me they are only interested in hurting me, and would rather have nothing to do with me, than respect my boundaries.

There was a Rav that received abuse from his mother but put up with her terrible behavior. If it were me, I would move to another far away town rather than insulting them. Kol tuv!

My rebbe has taught me that we each have a unique personal challenge that Hashem blesses us with. Having difficult parents is one of the hardest trials that I can possibly imagine that one is dealt. It is important to reach out to any other loved one or professional to heal properly from the emotional wounds inflicted upon us by hurtful parents.

We have suffered at the hands of those whose job it was to protect us. The betrayers took the blank slates of our young souls and engraved on them distorted, dictatorial messages that whisper incessantly to our hearts and minds as we struggle to make our way. This is the answer that God sent to me: A brilliant, Torah-true psychologist / mentor /scholar. He listened in on the whispers, helped me contradict and reject them, and insisted I re-write the script. I took (and will probably always take) medication to keep the seratonin from drying up, and… I listened to my mentor and learned the new script. God in his Goodness sent brocha as He smiled down on our efforts of eight years -- efforts resulting in a happy marriage and growth into a full, happy, creative self. I no longer work with my psychologist / rebbe / mentor. He and I re-wrote the whisperings. And I learned that God loves me as His child whom He will not fail – loves me the way the betrayers did not or could not. Find someone. Find someone brilliant. And listen. Really listen. God will provide the brocha, and the re-written whisperings will inspire each to his or her true, full self.

The person who was advised by a Rav to honor his father despite the flagrant abuses needs help himself. The parents who are abusive are also narcissists, who demand respect and that respect has to be their way, on their terms, and at their beck and call. I had a father just like the authors, adn although I do eed to speak to him, as he pays my mother's maintenance and alimony and if I were to freeze him out, he would endanger her, if ever given the financial freedom, I would never speak to this man again. Each phone call is aggravating, argumentative and hurtful. There is no halacha that says you have to compromise yourself for Kibbud Av/Em.

I think the Rav is mislead (in all due respect) on this. Honor is the ATTITUDE that G-d wants us to have however to use Torah purity as a tool for “suicide” is not "kosher". I too am a victim of deep abuse from my father and after the abuse took its course, I wound up homeless and without friends or family. HaShem did miracles and bailed me out of it. When I AGAIN tried to honor him by kindness and availability he caused much trouble. Even attempting to seduce my wife. And even stole my college money (with time & opportunity) which left me unable to support my family later on. He never repented, apologized and showed no regrets but actually justified himself. Torah is filled with protections to ensure that there are limits as to what can have access to our life. Sometimes what we want to do for someone is not what can happen logically and to create an opportunity for wickedness to cause pain and ruin lives no matter if its from a parent or not - is calling "good evil and evil good" in a “round about” way. We must forgive but that does not mean embracing delusion or to empower evil by "piety". Let your parent begin the process of Teshuvot (repentance) and then take it from there. To expose your children to a protagonist(s) for hate and abuse of their own children (one is mostly what one does in the end) and let it go in the name of "honor", deceives them and may embitter them against G-d, justice and maybe even you. Remember abusive people love to hurt so it’s not only about us, it’s about everything around that affects the victim which must also be protected from a source of evil. Shalomah besvelcha (peace for you…)

I grew up in a similar home- my father was very abusive my mother a silent enabler. When i went to seminary, i asked the Rav if i was obligated to honor my father given what he had done (hit me, screamed at me, embarrassed me, very violent, unfaithful to my mother in many occasions...) and the Rav said absolutely YES. He said i should protect myself but yet go above and beyond to honor him, because the honor a child owes a parent is not dependent on the parent's earning of that honor. I am glad he said that to me. I have difficulties sometimes, but i do set limits and i feel very accomplished to be able to perform this mitzvah. I learned how to do it, and i continue to learn. ASK A RAV!

im in my mid 20's and i learned a year ago to say no. MY dad is my hero in SO many ways!!! we love each other dearly. however, when he gets drunk (which is nearly everyday) he says increadably hurtful words and the words rip through you. you used to cry all night huddled in my closet. a year ago, i had it, and i said that i wasnt going to visit him anymore because everytime i do he always goes back on his words. he cant help what he does since its an adictive disease but its still very hurtful. worse, he doesnt remember it afterwards. since i stopped, we talk on the phone MANY time EVERY day! hes amazing! you can have a close relationship with a parent or loved one from a distance. protecting yourself is the most important thing. i personally wish i did it sooner from both parents (still working with it on my mom whos controlling and manipulative) as im slowly but surely getting a much higher self-esteem. protect yourself guys!

Thank you for publishing this. It lets me know that I am not alone.

To #2 and others, a therapist taught me that it was fine to say, "You can not call or visit until you get therapy". Then, you can work on your own life and your middos instead of having to stabilize after the abusive calls or visits. The boundaries allow for a profusion of oxygen.

My childhood was also terrorizing and unfortunately for my children my anger was directed at them on too many occasions until I went into therapy. My daughter was more scarred than my son. Apologies and changing my behavior unfortunately have not erased the damage I caused and I will forever regret this.

I also broke free from an abusive home, just a few months ago. One thing I am extremely grateful for is the loving support of my extended family. The caring relatives who go out of their way just because they love me, and they show it too. I would never have had the courage to break free without all the practical help, as well as emotional support.

I also had to learn to set limits like this on my crazy, abusive mother. It was a really scary thing to contemplate doing -- how would she take it, what would happen to me, etc. -- but it worked!! And amazingly enough, when she understood that I was serious -- that I *Would* walk out the door or hang up the phone she finally learned to control herself a bit better. All of my life she excused her physical and emotional abuse by saying that "she couldn't help it", that "when something set her off, she couldn't help what she did" and other similar things. Well, suddenly she found out that if she didn't control herself she would not have me there putting up with her sick behavior, her hitting and her name calling. For any adult who is living with this type of dysfunctional family situation, I urge you to get help in order to learn how to take control of your life and set firm limits on what you will or will not tolerate.

I have lived through a great deal of parental abuse as well and I feel my psychological defense capacities have been weakened by these experiences, so any encounter with an abusive/manipulative person is always uneasy for me. I have found out that there is an American psychotherapist Dr. George K. Simon, who has been professionally focused on this area for more that 2 decades. He has a website of his own - it is http://www.manipulative-people.com/ and it contains lots of useful information. In addition to the articles on the website, he has written two books - In Sheep's Clothing and Character Disturbance - and, in my opinion, both can be very helpful in situations where one is confronted with an abusive person. Turning to a more spiritual perspective, there is an article "Never Again" by Milton Himmelfarb, where the author presents a point of view that honoring one's parents is conditional upon their honoring their Father, Who is in Heaven (which abusive parents obviously don't do). He also points out that Abraham received a blessing from G-d for disobeying his father who was an idolater.

Thank you for your touching story. Be proud of yourself, as a woman and a mother, who have succeeded to break the cycle, and to be a strong person. I am a member of a women site ,which advocate women and children's rights, and would like to invite you there, and/or to have your permission to publish this. Thank you Irit www.asafeworldforwomen.org

Emotional and verbal abuse is less obvious than physical abuse especially if it occurs within the four walls of home. However, it's effects are no less devastating. The victim will suffer psychological trauma and self esteem issues. It takes great courage to love and honour the parent(s) responsible for this.Understanding friends, relatives, Ravs and counsellors play an essential role in helping the victim cope with abuse with practical advice and support.

It is shocking that so much abuse is going on on Jewish homes! A very brave woman to escape such a horrible home- life. Well done for being able to save yourself and create the boundries you need to protect yourself by just saying " NO" No more! There must be nothing worse for a child than a fearful home :the place of refuge that should be full of love and a source of comfort instead becoming a living hell with the nurturers being the abusers. I agree that a child sees G-d through his relationship with his parents and as you so so poignantly state "If a parent is untrustworthy and uncaring, it subconsciously sets into the child's mind that God must somehow be the same. " I was abandoned by my father and have great trust issues with G-d. This makes sense and developing faith is not that easy . To develop a sincere trust and love of Hashem despite such abuse and the feeling that G-d has allowed this ,is the ultimate test of faith. The fact that such abused children ever manage to develop into sane, healthy adults is a miracle! Please G-d all children should be loved and cared for as they deserve!

I find that as I am setting boundaries the abuse actually increases and with the entire enmeshed family. I am saddened and devastated by what I have endured at the hands of loved ones. Thanks for sharing.

My parents (step father) were out right cruel and very abusive In todays world I would have been given to A foster home .At 17.5 they my mother dropped me and my sister of in Israel,For me that meant freedom however there continued an emotional connection. that followed me for many years ,and dealt with it all in therapy She diedI was not interested to go to the funeral.By the way I have a step brother and sister.They tured out to be vindictive .My luck I carry the surname of my father whose whole family perished in Auswitch they arrived by day gassed and dead by nightfalll I have still a problem dealing with this since I never knew him and only saw his pix 3 years ago for the first time. Since we look like twins,I keep wondering how life would have been if ?? Thanks for the article very touching kol tov Dov

This is a tremendously insightful article. People who are stuck with such families fight battles that others with good families will never understand. The author shows compassion and honestly.

"Honor thy parents" does NOT mean you must "take whatever they dish out!" NO ONE has the right to abuse you. If you and your parents cannot work out the problems, then get away from them, and get help. Since becoming "Ba'al Tshuva," starting right after I graduted from college; and with the help of good friends and great Ravs, I have learned that there is no room in Judaism for abuse, and that honoring the parents does not mean you have to take it. In fact, most Ravs emphasize that the parent must earn the respect of the child. You can still avoid dishonor to your parents in every way that counts. Most important, get yourself some help-from a sympathetic and learned Rav, a counselor, friends, etc. You'll be shocked at how many people have gone through the same experiences- I was. I was an adult long before I understood that I was not the problem. It was my parents' problem. I ended up feeling very sorry for my parents, who, by their own actions, missed out on all the joy they could have had from their children, and that I have from my children, my grandchildren, etc. When I was younger, no one talked about this, ever. My one regret is that my only sibling is long disappeared. I can only hope that he/she has been even half as blessed as I have been. Get help, and, if necessary, get out. Make your own life a good life, full of all the love you did not have from your parents.

Whether this is a common problem, I don't know. However, I also experienced a lot of emotional and verbal abuse from my parents growing up, and still as an adult. I always struggled with how to keep "Honor thy mother and father" properly....my parents also used the fact that they supported me or helped me financially as a justification of their right to treat me any way they please(d) - meaning purposely degrading and humiliating me, in public and in private.

Although there is the comandment to Honor your Father & Mother, Honoring means to treat them with respect. Setting bounderies in a clear respectful way is honoring them. There is also the commandment "You shall not kill." Abuse is a form of murder since it kills (or can kill) the victim's soul. Therefore, in respectfully setting bounderies for your abusive parents, and protecting you children and your self from their soul murderous abuse you can consider yourself completely in line with the commandments.

There is an article published on aish called "Loving the Father I hate" found here http://www.aish.com/sp/so/80054877.html I really recommend it, it's about how it MAY be possible to build a relationship with your family instead of just avoiding it. Although that was not an abusive relationship it may be different, anyway, two great articles, well done aish

I got my share of abuse, too. My father called me every name in the book, and then he made up names. My mother called me a fker to my face, and often told me i was despicable. The thing that truly killed any respect I had for my parents was when I was 17, and they demanded I turn over my student loan money to them or be kicked out of the house. This was after earlier that year I had asked my father for information so I could apply for financial aid, and he told me "I'll put you through school." Time for school...no money...had to apply for aid late..no books...went to school hungry some days. To make a long story short, for many years I was the only one of five sons holding a steady job, so guess where my parents turned for help..me. I always did what I could to help, but only because of my youngest brother, who still lived with them. But if I asked them for any help...either nothing, or when they said they would do something, they'd renege at the last moment. Prime example...my mother agreed to be a witness when my wife had her naturalization examination, but backed out at the last minute. We had to find someone else on very short notice. There is plenty more, but you catch my drift. Bottom line..when my mothert died, I attended the funeral, but inside I didn't care. When my father died, I didn't even bother attending the funeral. The things that happened, happened many years ago, but the anger and hurt is still there. As a father myself, I remembered this and always tried to treat my kids so, when they were older, they wouldn't feel the same way about me as I felt about my parents. Thank you all kindly for a chance to vent. G-d bless you.

I felt like this article was tailor made for me!!! I am 18 and just left (some people say "ran away") my parents house a few months ago because of abuse. They if I thought I will have peace of mind, they are making every day a living nightmare... They keep on saying that I violated the law of respecting ones parents by going against their wishes. So I constantly ask myself, "am I doing the right thing by putting my life first?". I am glad to see that this issue is addressed in a public forum. I also always wondered how will I create boundaries so one day I will be able to have a superficial connection with my parents? I am glad to see that there is a way to do it and I should be confident about my boundaries. thank you AISH!

I've known two such cases of overpowering controlling parents like this. A letter of intent would not have stopped them. One set of parents who treated their daughter unjustly growing up, would just show up at her and husbands home after work. When the daughter moved, the parents bought a camper and would drive there anytime they wanted, and stayed nearby, going to the house. They called the police when she wouldn't open the door. Then, after a few years of relentless persuing they filed for Grandparents rights and won. They got the child for 4 weeks in the summer and alternating holidays. Legally. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Would a letter of intent really be a solution? We would need to know how long ago the letter was sent and if it really solved her problem. An abusive man like the father will not relent. His show of hurt feelings are not genuine. What will the woman do when they show up at the door face to face?

There is no instruction manual for becoming a parent; rearing a trial is by trial and error. However, the more stable and mentally well the parent is, the more well-adjusted the child can be. Unfortunately, sometimes this is not the case, and mental health counseling is recommended.

The 5th commandment has plagued me for what seems like forever. My parents know no boundaries. My mother is the abuser and my father the enabler who brutally verbally punished me if I stood up to her. My mother is mentally ill, manipulative, and flirtatious with every man she meets. When I saw her directing this at my grown son, it horrified me. I chose to protect my children. My father refused to hear my reasons and never forgave me for that, even to the day he died. This helps me live with that tragedy.

I felt the author was talking about me and even if I clearly set the boundaries exactly as stated above (as I coudnt take it anymore), many times I kept wondering if I was still obeying God's Commandment! Thank you for making things clear to me!

its one thing to abuse children, and its another to hide behind the mask of religion and god. as a child of abusive and overly religious - fanatical, in fact - parents, they love to de-humanize in the name of god. If they actually knew a thing or two about god, they would know that God would rather they stay single and childless than to abuse children.

hello. Listen, I went thru much of the same thing in my life. I am 40 years and had to go to therapy to get help for myself on how to deal with this. Let me ask you: How old are you? If you are over the age of 18 are you able to be independent and live on your own or with a trusted friend because it is obviously an issue where your parents as well as your brother have no control over their emotions as well as the situation with your brother. Is there someone you may consult with? I feel for you- I know it is a living hell. I used to get the slop knocked out of me by TWO brothers and I had tics (eye blinking and hives) because of the severe emotional stress( my parents were not putting a stop to the abuse as well as my parents were abusing me, too. I became frum (orthodox) later on in years and my mother especially would demand, yet in a meek voice, kibud av v'aim (honor thy fahter and thy mother, and gratefully because I had both therapy and the wise counsel of a wonderful Orthodox rabbi, I was able to tell her firmly, yet nicely what the rabbi had said about honoring abusive parents. the honor that I could afford them was very minimal(literally that if my mother should happen upon my door step, I could invite her in for a glass of water.(that's how abusive the situation was. Judaism does not require you to grin and bare it because Judaism is also set up for your protection, too, yet the ironic thing is many times the abusive parent is the one dictating the Jewish law of honor- yet from a manipulative standpoint...go figure, huh? I wish you much blessings and strength. Contact a Rav (rabbi and a therapist for your best health.

I,m just a grandmother and I don,t know how to help my grandchildren. Some of them are favorite and get away with misbehavior and some of them are hated and for the similar misbehavior are kicked out of the house. Who ever is kicked out of the house ends up with me and I am the one raising them. I think would be important that the discussion regarding raising children and child abuse would be broth up by a local rabbi during davening

Thank G-d you had the strength to stand up for yourself and your family now. What you said about how an abused child perceives G-d really was an epiphany for me. My parents were very punitive and as a result, I see Hashem the same way....always wondered why...I hope other abused children/adults gain advice and strength from your story.

There are so many people who can relate to your article that is from the heart. I think, there is no way to counter neglect and abuse in terms of making it all right, internally or externally. Because this is wrong, and this is deeply not about what is, a parent, and how to raise a child. But in some deeper ways, and this is hard to talk about, we do learn sensitivity by being put in that cauldron of fire. You are a very sensitive person and must feel sensitized by the experiences, those very searing experiences, of your childhood. And so your very sensitivity was thus shaped, and you would not treat your children the same way, knowing the deep value of what you missed. And so, in mysterious ways, we are all shaped, perhaps at that Master Potter's Hand, and ultimately to celebrate the "me in the mirror", to love yourself, is the ultimate goal and to express love to others.

Just like everyone else here, I went through the same exact thing when I was in my early twenties and felt like I owed them stuff and they guilt tripped me when I was supporting myself and doing everything on my own. And, when I did stick up for myself, they said I was being mean as well, a homewrecker, selfish, think I'm special and important, etc. That's what you get for having a self esteem I guess and wanting a healthy relationship instead of a dysfunctional one. I've learned, these types of people never get better. I've tried all ways to deal with them. Nothing works, it's not me, it's them. They need help and need years of therapy. Ive also come to find that abuse comes from low self esteem they have besides being screwed up. I wish you all the courage and strength to move on with your lives and be happy. Just because they can't figure out how to treat people or be happy doesn't mean we should have to suffer because of it or go without.

I'm thrilled that AISH is facing this painful reality - that many parents are abusive - and is willing to pushing such articles, which will certainly help others struggling with abusive parents.

i have the same situation plus one extra thing--my drug addicted, physically and mentally abusive brother gets invited to the house whenever i'm there, though i have repeatedly begged my parents to stop doing this, as my mental and physical state are in danger when he is around. they don't listen or care and behave like i'm just being mean. this is the brother who used to beat my mother every few days--until she begged me to call the police. this is the one who got kicked out of the house--finally--when we had to call the cops on him for beating my father out of his chair as we all ate together at a shabbat meal. this is the one who has nothing nice to say about anyone, the one who can't keep a job, because he refuses to get educated or get any 9 to 5, and instead plots his way to make billions, because that's all that's important to him. kindness doesn't matter.this is the one they accommodate over any concern for my wishes or safety.they're over it, probably since they're all nuts and they know he almost only rages at me. he's here right now and i'm expecting to get yelled at about not joining them for a dinner out. oh, well. i learned to not bother to ask for anything and to just do my own thing because they're all pretty sick. the last time we were all together i let my parents know that the last get together was awful and if he does one thing wrong i'm calling the police immediately. they screamed at me for 15 minutes that he is a nice boy who tries so hard and i'm being mean, which they know, because i'm telling them in advance i'm calling the police. trying to explain to them that i'm trying to talk about my concerns and fears, and that i'm trying to explain that they should make sure he behaves and that i'm letting them know in advance what i might do if it's necessary so no one would be surprised, did not help. they just screamed at me that i'm a trouble-maker. he showed up for less than 2 days and was as crazy as usual. good luck to me this week.

thank you for this article. you put things very nicely, especially how you are dealing with it and how we good children feel so guilty and feel like we should do more to honor abusive parents, since they did provide for us and since they have their good moments, and since they are our parents. your explanation that we relate to g-d as we relate to our parents was very helpful, as was your assertion that we don't have to reimburse them for raising us. i spent my late teens and early twenties trying to figure out how to pay them back for all the money they spent on me (they always complained about it and called me a leach and a parasite and behaved like i did nothing good, as i went to college, raised my younger siblings, did the shopping and cooking, and did the best i could). i hope you find ways to keep going forward with your life and to keep being a better person.