Peter Pan Parent

The question in the recent Sunday New York Time's Social Q’s column caught my eye. Under the heading of Micro-Mini Mom, I read a teen’s words that I believe reflect the feelings of many children.

“I am a 14 year old girl and I get along with my mother pretty well. But she tends to wear clothes that are appropriate for girls my age-and totally wrong for 42 year old mothers: skirts that are way too short, cropped tops and cutesy branded tees. I feel humiliated when my friends see her dressed up like that. But when I try to discuss the issue calmly; we end up screaming at each other. What can I do?”
-- Gillian

I have spoken to children who have described how ashamed they’ve felt when their father’s danced inappropriately at their Bar Mitzvah or ruined the night by drinking themselves into the most humiliating of experiences. I have tried to help children find peace after speaking about mothers who dress in little outfits and ridiculous stilettos, thinking they look fashionable, but in their daughter’s eyes, they are only a source of embarrassment.

The issue goes beyond ‘not in good taste’ and a little too much liquor. As parents, we are responsible for setting certain standards of behavior in our family’s lives. The way we dress, the way we party, the way we speak, all impact the way our children see us. And if our children believe that we belittle ourselves through our behavior or clothing, we become diminished in their eyes.

Too many parents are trying to raise children while they haven't finished growing up themselves.

There is a trend in our world today where parents are just not interested in the responsibility that parenting entails. Too many fathers and mothers are trying to raise children while they have not yet finished growing up themselves. We don’t want to look older, act older, or miss out on the fun. We find blogs complaining about having to be home at night, doing carpool, or needing to sit down and concentrate on boring math homework. “Been there, done that, I need to get away from it all.”

I call them ‘Peter Pan Parents’. Every neighborhood has them. We find fathers and mothers who would rather be out or on vacation than deal with the stresses of life. Some dress in beat up sneakers and tattered jeans or match their Juicy outfits with their kids so that they still feel young. As their children grow they become stuck in time, refusing to move on.

The trouble is that in the process, we lose our dignity. And when our dignity goes out the window, so does the esteem that our children should have for us. It is important for us to remember that children need parents to respect. Of course we want to create a warm and loving environment in our homes. But at the same time we cannot fall into the trap of thinking that we and our children are BFFs. As a parent I have a most crucial mission: to guide, to lead, and to inspire. I am here to mold character and raise a child with soul. How can I possibly accomplish all this if I did not yet accept the responsibility that honorable parenting brings?

We are our children’s greatest role models. If not us, who will our children seek out for direction?

Scandals swirl around our favorite stars. Athletes, Hollywood actors and actresses, great politicians – no one is immune. Popular shows and music videos encourage our kids to mock decency. Gossip magazines scream out wild headlines describing outrageous scenes and desperate lives.

If we want our children to speak and carry themselves with respect, we must be the first in line.

If we want our children to speak and carry themselves with respect, we must be the first in line. Judaism teaches us to revere both body and soul. We dress with dignity. We give thought to our words and language. The way we live reflects the majesty that lies within.

Honor and respect are basic foundations of our homes. Effective discipline is contingent upon the relationships we have with our kids. Parents who live with dignity give their children an image to revere, admire and respect.

Your children need to honor you. Not because you crave admiration or obedience. Respect is a cornerstone of our relationship. When children show respect, they are accepting their parents as their life guides. The greater their respect, the stronger the bond grows between parent and child. But this cannot be accomplished by parents who act as if they are still in college (or high school).

We begin by living with dignity and honor. We begin by taking a good look at ourselves.

There is a part of parenting that requires us to dig deep. We must let go of our selfish needs and finally grow up. We may be tired. It might not always be fun. Yes, a vacation or going out seems better than giving baths or driving carpool. But when I finally reach the moment where I am prepared to live with dignity, to parent with honor, to seek out moments that define me as a parent, then I have come to a place in my life that will be cherished beyond my days.

(6) Michal, November 8, 2011 11:37 PM

Patronizing

I find this article very patronizing. Who is this article aimed at? As can be seen from the comments, only those parents who agree with the author anyway already. A lot of parents, especially Baalei Tshuva parents, have very high demands of themselves and want to be perfect parents. As a consequence of that they start to miss the "good old days" when they could go away for the weekend on a whim or read a book for two hours. I find this article dismisses the feelings of these parents and offers no solution, only a patronizing "Grow up already!"

(5) Chaya Chana, November 8, 2011 5:56 PM

B"H you are a living example of a parent who lives with dignity.

Thank you for your words of wisdom and inspiration. Slovie, you embody the parent who lives with dignity and whose children and family respect and honor you for it.

(4) Margarita, November 8, 2011 3:13 AM

easy said, hard to achieve

our society has taken all the rights to discipline our children away from us. and no i don't talk about beating them to the pulp, but there are other ways. if our children don't want to listen to us they can go and complain, get support and get payments without being pushed to at least attend schools. the issue is much deeper than clothes and dancing, the issue is that children are not taught respect. and it does not matter which school your child goes to - some religious Jewish schools are the worst offenders, especially towards women who are not fully covered. if you really want to change the reality we should start with giving rights back to parents, so they don't have to dress up or behave inappropriately to fit in and be their child's friend. once this is re-establish, i believe that manners have to be brought to school curriculum (there is nothing wrong with opening the door for a lady or vacating a sit on a bus for someone older). children are not encouraged to finish school and parents cannot do anything about it. furthermore, how many times you hear children interrupting grownup talk because they "know" something and parents approving it. just because they have read something in the book it's not enough to give an advice, but parents (and many religious families are guilty of it) will nearly clap their hands when children interrupt. parents are very easily blamed and working parents and stay-at-home once are all in the "game". many schools (and grownups) teach us that money is an idol and we who are working to support ourselves are worshiping idols. small reminder - we are still living in the world which requires us to pay for food and shelter with money. but once you say to a child - they worship idols - the child's reaction is predictable. and from there who are they to judge how much parent drinks? did we not read about Noach and his sons (including the appropriate response)? and girl should not judge her mother either - respect parents is not judging

(3) Anonymous, November 7, 2011 1:58 AM

Kidlike Adults, Adultlike Kids

Another similar phenomenon is parents and the Western world in general encouraging young kids to dress and act in adult ways, long before they truly are ready to do so. It seems to me that there is a required maturation process that people must go through in order to reach true adult maturity, and by attempting to skip over that process and to go straight from the little child to the adult stage, a person will remain permanently stunted in their inner development. Perhaps these "Peter Pan Parents" that cannot grow up are the first products of this process? It seems like young and old alike are stuck in a permanent teenage-hood (which itself is a label and identity that did not exist prior to the 1940s).

(2) Tammy, November 6, 2011 9:16 PM

Being Peter Pan

I have to wonder why some people even become parents. Being a parent isn't just something you do. It should be well thought out preferably before marriage. Your personality needs to be considered and factored in. People just get married and then immediately start having the kids. My husband and I chose to not have children and one of the reasons was because we would wind up being like peter pan parents. The other reason was because we would not have been able to financially provide a good life for our children. I have never been disappointed in our decision and neither has he. Children are not for everyone and you shouldn't be having them if you are not mature enough to throw yourself into it and really be a parent.

Alex, November 8, 2011 8:50 AM

thank you

for saying something which I think but don't have the courage to say. My husband and I chose not to become parents for several reasons.....we've been married 31 years. My own background (without going tnto detail) in childhood was such that this had a huge influence. I know we made the correct decision, for us; and have had many wonderful cats who have not been 'substitute children' but have been and are still sweet companions.

(1) Anonymous, November 6, 2011 2:59 PM

Wonderful!

Thank you for your courage to say the obvious, to tell the truth. I have no idea what is the cause, but I will take what you have said and call them "Peter Pan Parents" or PPP. That will be helpful next time I see a 45 year old wearing Lulu Lemon tights as the person attempts to either walk or jog. Note that I did not identify the gender. Why? Because now both the male and the female have no shame. Yes, there is that word, 'shame'. Just imagine wearing such 'trash', even 30 years ago. But, then there are the Paris Grand Prix hopefuls, Yes, these 60 something year olds spend close to a thousand dollars getting into their outfits, bicycles, etc., and then pretend that they are training for next grand prix. It is quite obvious that they will not be able to take that bicycle over the next hill unless they get a good start. More than ever parents are no longer taking their responsibility seriously. They have become I-Parents. Their children have become I-Children. I am sure that many wish that there were an App for their children so that they could move them around. I suppose that is the reason so many children end up with grandparents or stay longer with babysitters. I also suppose that is the reason so many mothers have said that they looked forward to going back to work instead of staying home (don't shoot the messenger). Long time ago, a social scientist by the name of Nicholas Lasch wrote a book about narcissism. He too was right on.

Anonymous, November 7, 2011 3:58 PM

Wanting to return to paid employment does NOT equal immaturity in either gender. Please stop attacking the women in that manner. I am the mother of a son and do not have any daughters. However, if I did have a daughter I would not try to dress like an adolescent. I was an adolescent once and I have the pictures to prove it. This does not mean I need to look frumpy. It just means that as a mother my role is not that of a BFF.