Tips for the Newlyweds

My son just got married. Now what?

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Comments (48)

(48) Jessy, June 8, 2014 6:41 PM

Really listen to each other

We cannot know what is in a persons heart, however we are told in Holy Scriptures " out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. However listen carefully.Sometimes there might even be need for reflection to really hear. Of importance are not just the words but the tone of the voice, the body language and the context in which the words are spoken.

(47) SusanE, January 14, 2014 3:15 AM

Happiness to the Newlyweds!

The advice is so easy and so simple. Never become competitive. You are both now, in the same place. Make sure it's a happy place.

(46) jack A, January 13, 2014 5:38 PM

words can never be retracted " think before you speak"

Always talk positively and with humor.

(45) Anonymous, January 12, 2014 8:36 PM

Advice I gave my beloved children and children-in-law before their marriages.

1) The laws of lashon hara, the guidelines regarding acceptable speech, apply to what we say to and about our spouses. One of the greatest threats to marriages are words. Use them carefully
2) Arguments are virtually never about the stated topic. When conflict arises in your marriage, work to identify and address the real issue.
3) Allow a little amnesia in your marriage. Not general anesthesia or total unawareness--just a little amnesia, for real mess ups. Get over it and move on. Don't hold grudges.
4) Never underestimate the power of simple pleasantness. In the Psalms, we are told that the ways of Torah are pleasant. Spouses and children deserve pleasant home atmospheres. Make a pleasant atmosphere a goal in your home.
5) Much marital conflict results from financial strain. Try to live under your means. Physical exhaustion also contributes to marital stress. Try to be well rested.
6) Never forget that someday you and your spouse will be temporarily separated. Hashem will take one of your souls to the Next World. One of you will be left here to bury the other of you. Conduct yourself throughout your marriage, in such a way as to have a clear conscience when that sad time comes.
7) Pray to the One Who created your spouse, and you, and your marriage, for help in making it meaningful, joyful, and pleasant.

(44) Jong, January 12, 2014 6:21 PM

Keep the end picture in mind

Keep the end picture always in your mind, a happy couple for many years.

(43) Dena, January 11, 2014 8:57 PM

Mazel Tov!

Give of your self %100. Marriage is not %50-50. Decide this minute that the most important thing in your lives is to make each other happy.

Read the Sheva Bruchos for advice how to do this: " Reim ahuvim :" Beloved friends .Be each other's best, most loving friend. "b'Gan Eden mikedem" Just as there was no one else in their lives but each other, so it should be with you (at least until the children come!) "Asher yatzar es haadam btzlmo" Who created us in His image remember, your husband/wife is a tzalem Elokim, treat them as such. "asher barah" study the beautiful words in that bracha and learn their deep meanings. They are just repeats. And live with those words, for 120 years!

(42) Shalom Bayis, January 10, 2014 3:02 AM

Shalom Bayis

Shana Rishona lasts as long as you allow it to.

Love your spouse the way they want to be loved, not the way you wan to be loved.

Without expectations you can never be disappointed.

(41) Anonymous, January 9, 2014 11:57 PM

Two words to Shalom Bayis

Accept and respect. Accept and respect your spouse for who s/he is - period! I don't think this basic foundation has changed over time or ever will. Communication comes right after, but without first accepting and respecting your spouse your efforts to be heard or understood will go out of your mouth, but not enter your spouse's ears. Everything else, generosity, patience, tolerance, friendship, appreciation, compromise, teamwork, trust, affection, openness, love etc, will come (Assuming your spouse is a healthy individual) if you accept and respect your spouse and can therefore communicate and navigate together all the speed bumps and joy rides that life has to offer.

I can confidently say this advice is not something that changes or has gotten lost on the next generation as I am young, married less than two years, and was given this insight right after my wedding which has stuck with me and has helped my marriage to blossom and flourish.

What you give to the marriage is really what you get.

(40) Anonymous, January 9, 2014 6:33 PM

the new YOU (plural)

Wonderful Advice I was given when I was married given to me by someone who was married over 40 years at the time, which is the advice she got when she got married:

When you marry, "I" becomes "We", "Me" becomes "Us" and "Mine" becomes "Ours". Thinking this way, especially in today's generation of "I" is how you become the new married YOU, now plural.

(39) Anonymous, January 9, 2014 4:48 PM

Read the book "Men are from Mars; Women are from Venus"... Men and women are very different! And it might take a while to figure that your spouse will not act/ react the same way you would in any given situation.

(38) Anonymous, January 9, 2014 3:30 PM

marriage

Think before you speak, words cannot be taken back. Never raise you hand in anger to your spouse. Think of the impact of your actions prior to doing something. Your spouse should be your compliment & also your best friend. May you have many years of laughter & joy, with few tears.

(37) Seth, January 9, 2014 3:29 PM

Read Dessler's 6 volume " Strive for Truth" together every day

Read Dessler's 6 volume " Strive for Truth" together every day;
- a sentence, a paragraph, a section a chapter- but read it together every day. And when it is finished read it together, again

(36) terry herzog, January 9, 2014 5:08 AM

JUST BE NICE

JUST BE NICE. THIS WAS TOLD TO ME BY MY NEIGHBOR WHO WAS HAPPILY MARRIED FOR OVER 50 YEARS TILL HER HUSBAND PASSED AWAY

(35) Pesi, January 9, 2014 3:57 AM

Keep in mind that every single couple I know could have gotten divorced w/in the first 3 years of marriage. You may find yourself so completely miserable, to be ready to throw in the towel- for real. Work through it. EVeryone goes through it. It's worth it. I'm married for 7 1/2 years. Life is not perfect. It's a lifetime work, but it's beautiful and so worth it. It's something that nobody will ever tell you, but when i came to that realization and verbalized to some of my then young married friends they all agreed. They all were seriously considering divorce at some point. Thats how unhappy they were. Even if u discover that your spouse is the exact opposite of who you thought they were. Hang in there. Rough through it. You'll be happy you did.

(34) Anonymous, January 9, 2014 1:54 AM

Mazel tov

Be loving of, respectful of, and kind to one another. Try to laugh together, every day. And if you can't laugh, hold one another. Pray.

(33) Mati, January 8, 2014 7:32 AM

Your wife...

.....is not your equal, she is your complement.

(32) Anonymous, January 8, 2014 5:27 AM

When you marry you form an alliance

Marriage is a union of two people. It is a time to give up the "I" and look at the "you". A husband should look out for his spouse and not worry about himself and the wife has to do the same. If each considers the other a lot of tension in the marriage will disappear because each party wants only to make the other happy. It won't work 100% because we are human beings and we sometimes slide back to the "I" or "me" mode but you will eliminate 85% of any arguments and when only one partner is in the "I" or "me" mode and the other is still in the "you" mode another 10% of disagreements will be eliminated. That means only 5% of the time both partners will be in the "I" or "me" mode and there may be a serious argument until the "you" mode shifts into gear.

(31) Anonymous, January 8, 2014 5:22 AM

happy wife happy life

happy wife happy life

(30) Anonymous, January 8, 2014 3:51 AM

Compromise!

When 2 people unite in marriage there is never a solution to issues/problems/discussions that is black or white. However, there is always a shade of grey (the area of compromise) where both parties will feel comfortable and satisfied with the result. Strive to compromise and it's a win/win for everyone!

(29) cee, January 8, 2014 3:20 AM

nice talk

Greet your spouse pleasantly in the morning and when he/she leaves the house...so they have a pleasant memory to take with them during the day

(28) Lisa, January 8, 2014 2:55 AM

A happy wife is a happy life!!!

Mazal Tov!! Always ask your wife if you can give her a hand & help.... Even if it's a quick 5 minute task.... Just asking is priceless !!!

(27) Stacey, January 8, 2014 1:59 AM

Always be a team

Act as a. team! Support each other even of you don't always agree with each other. Be each other's biggeast fan as well!!!

(26) Pesa Chaya, January 8, 2014 12:59 AM

To acknowledge and thank your spouse constantly!

The Gedolim said that the number# middah you look for in a spouce is Hakaras Ha Tov the ability to say thank you and acknowledge your spouse. IT DEEPENS THE CONNECTION AND GROWS THE LOVE BEAUTIFULLY!

(25) Jonathan Keefe, January 8, 2014 12:08 AM

Look for Hashgacha Pratis/divine providence

Keep growing together and look for the Hand of God. This will increase your happiness. You should have a life of growth and inspire others to grow. Mazel Tov.

(24) Anonymous, January 7, 2014 10:57 PM

NewlyWed

Mazel Tov! I got married about 2 months ago and am a newlywed myself. I have gotten lots of advice that was very helpful. I'd say the most important advice for the parents and parents in law is not to give advice and to let the new family member feel welcome and accepted. To the couple I'd say the most important tips would be to treat your new spouse as your priority. I was told if your wife feels like a queen she will treat you like a king. I'm not married long enough to give advice from my experience, but that's the most helpful advice I got and i'm just passing it along. Also important, is spending quality time together - not errands or work related - every day. That could be playing a game, going for a drive or just sitting on the couch and shmoozing.

(23) Nesanel, January 7, 2014 9:50 PM

Be a giver.

Be a giver.

(22) Anonymous, January 7, 2014 9:41 PM

have a sense of humor.

you each do things differently but that's not serious, it's a basis for laughter. keep finding humor in your lives, keep laughing together. don't laugh at each other, laugh with each other.

(21) Arthur Greebler, January 7, 2014 9:23 PM

Don't be inflexible.

Everyone has their michigaas. Both couples comes into a marriage with it. The trick is to realize that you can't change someone but....he puts up with her michigaas and she puts up with his. So long as the michagaas isn't hurtful or dangerous they can both go on. (It's hard to spell michigaas but it's not a plural..best english translation "Iidiocyncrisies"

(20) Anonymous, January 7, 2014 7:51 PM

celebrate and enjoy

remember the things why you fell in love with her. after a few years you can not like the same things you first loved. keep loving all the things about her.

pray every together before you go to sleep. invite The Lord in your house. (english is not so good)

(19) Rachel, January 7, 2014 7:12 PM

Communication

Daily, honest, loving communication.

(18) Charlotte Feldman, January 7, 2014 7:11 PM

FInd out his or her "Love language" and "speak" it

Every person has a "love language:" the way they need to be shown their value. (This is not my own idea, It comes from a book titled, The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman. (Not one of "our boys but a guy with some marvelous ideas.) Find out how your spouse needs you to show love: acts of service; time spent, words of affirmation, small gifts or physical touch. Once you know what language you each speak, you will have a marriage made in heaven, I know from experience.

(17) Simcha, January 7, 2014 6:48 PM

Adwice

Be Jewish------ Stay Jewish!

(16) MK, January 7, 2014 5:34 PM

queen

If you treat her like a Queen, you always be King! This applies till 120 and not only during sheva berakhot week.

(15) Bebe, January 7, 2014 5:06 PM

[Pray aloud together every day and thank God for giving you your beloved spouse and mention some good things about him/her in that prayer.

(14) Miri, January 7, 2014 5:05 PM

first priority

make your spouse your first priority

(13) harold kohn, January 7, 2014 4:34 PM

advice

be flexible

(12) Natana Pesya Bitton, January 7, 2014 4:07 PM

Never Blame

BH When something goes wrong,and believe me, it will, DO NOT BLAME YOUR SPOUSE. Even if it's his/her fault. Blaming never put the lights back on when one of you forgot to pay the electric bill, and blaming won't take the dent out of the car that he/she just executed. All it will do is make your spouse feel bad and probably angry. And on top of that, you're sitting in the dark with a dented car in your parking space, and no one has even begun to address those problems. What to do first? Grab your spouse and tell her/ him that you love her/him. Then grope for your flashlight or use the glow grom your cell phone to find the fladhlight and your checkbook or wallet and GO PAY THE LIGHT BILL! After electricity has been restored, discuss ways in which this situation can be avoided in the future. As for the dented car, first make sure your SPOUSE isn't dented, praise G-d that she/he isn't, tell him/her you love him/her, and then call your insurance agent.Done. No blaming, just an extra opportunity to express your love . How great is that?

(11) Jonathan, January 7, 2014 4:00 PM

Have Children

First, Mazel Tov, Yaakov!

The single most important piece of advice you can give your son and his bride is........to have children as soon as possible.

In particular, do not put off having children with excuses, such as money, career, etc.

Have children....and raise a family....immediately...without delay.

Mazel Tov and best wishes for the New Year!

(10) Anonymous, January 7, 2014 3:49 PM

finding something to compliment

everyday find something to compliment and then remember also later on when days get busy with diapers,iyH" work, etc.
Thank H for the challenging times as well which are also a gift.
And to know your kids will react and treat you the way you react and treat your parents and in-laws.
MAZEL TOV! May we continue to hear good news.

(9) Ted, January 7, 2014 3:18 PM

love and respect

Mazzaltov! Love and respect each other. Try to understand and respect each other's views. Do not involve close family to check their opinion about a problem you two may have. Solve the problem between the two of you. It creates a solid bond. And NEVER go to sleep in anger or frustration but first get to terms with each other. This will give you a peace of mind. Eventually you will synchronize your thoughts and opinions and you will be happy with love and respect for each other. After 40 years of happiness it worked for us.

(8) Anonymous, January 7, 2014 3:07 PM

never compare

Never compare (in your mind or out loud) your spouse to someone else or your relationship to other couples relationships. If you see another couple looking happy as ever on their social media, dont think, maybe they are happier than me/us, because you never know what goes on behind other people closed doors and what is important is that you just keep nurturing your own relationship and give , give and give. this giving will lead to real love. and a piece of advice my father gave me before i got married: especially when newleyweds, bumpy stuff will come up, but just realize that its normal and when you do have your first argument, dont freak out, its healthy to argue, just the way you do so is what matters. mazel tov!

(7) Johnny, January 6, 2014 1:47 PM

Happy

Think about what you can do for her to make her happy. Then do it.

(6) Anonymous, January 6, 2014 4:57 AM

Take 15 minutes a night that is unnegotiable (hekdesh) and shut the ringers, email etc and do something together whether it is reading a sefer, playing cards etc. Anything that will be a common interest (even manifactured like a game) that will not end up in a discussion of responsibilities and just enjoy each others company.

----

Ultimately men and women will end up with different daily lives (work, learning, etc.) and interests (sports, magazines etc) and common time invariably deteriorates into discussing bills, kids (the only thing actually in common), and is not necessarily enjoyable.



Decide to invest in the relationship for its own sake (even though now they will have no idea what your are talking about) becuase ultimately the foundation will be there when you need it.



(5) Sharon, January 5, 2014 10:00 PM

Remember that love is a verb

it's not a passive feeling but something to translaate into action. THe more you give, the more you'll feel. the lucky one is the one who loves (gives) the most, not the one who receives love (gets) the most

(4) Anonymous, January 5, 2014 7:33 PM

Importance of the marital relationship

Mazel tov! Mazel tov! That being said,after the wedding parents/in-laws should not be giving advice unless asked by the couple. Before the wedding, my advice would be to realize the marital relationship takes importance over all else. This encompasses how they speak to one another, respect one another,realizing there will be differences, spending time together as if still dating, and making decisions based on the needs of the marriage. (Torah, mitzvos, learning is basic for building a bayis neeman. Assuming this is already well-known, the marital relationship is next on-line.)

(3) Anonymous, January 5, 2014 4:24 PM

"Always treat your spouse as if you are still engaged"

(2) Mordechai, January 5, 2014 2:12 PM

Mazal Tov!

Mazal Tov to you and your family! May the newlyweds build a 'bayit ne'eman b'Yisrael,' a devoted Jewish home. This is truly 'invei hagefen b'invei hagefen (like meets like). The chosson and kallahs name are basically the same! The letters are the same except for three, Yud, Heh, and Tav. When you add the extra yud in Yehudit to the extra heh in Yehuda, you get Y-ah, one of the Names of Hashem! There's no question that the Shechina (Hashem's Divine Presence) will dwell in their home! Finally, the Tav, which is the last letter of the Aleph Bet represents completion and true perfection! If I had one thing to tell the newlyweds, I would say remember your names. Yehuda/Yehudit comes from what Leah said when she gave birth to Yehuda. She said "This time I will thank Hashem." It also means 'to admit.' If you constantly thank Hashem for your bashert,, and thank your spouse constantly for even everyday things he/she does for you, and admit when you are wrong, then you will start out on a solid foundation. Mazal Tov!

(1) Anonymous, January 5, 2014 2:08 PM

Make for yourself a Rav

Both of you should decided on a rabbi/confidant that both of you can be close to & discuss any issue that you find is a bit over your heads.

 

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