(73) Anonymous , August 27, 2008

Other ways of perceiving

I can definitely relate. I had always hoped for at least 4 children, but I birthed none. At 33, I still never believed I would live my life without a husband or children. I have endured not having either. I am now 61. The biological clock stopped ticking 6 years ago. That's when I threw my hands up in the air and finally gave up hope. I had no choice but to let it go and give in to HaShem's Plan for me. However, I do recall some very precious moments... One, when I was just 24 years old, my 3rd grade students shared that I was "like their mother hen and they all felt like my little chickadees!" Then when I was 27, I opened my home to a 10 year old girl whose parents were divorced. When she visited, she would crawl into my bed and read any books she could find. I watched her grow over the years. She's now 44 and we have shared all our life changes together as friends. Years later when I was in my early 50's, there was a knock at my door. I opened it and heard a geshrai from a teen I knew, calling out "Ima!" Inviting her in, I commented "But I'm not your Ima", and she told me how I gave her more in our short times together than her mother ever could. I was deeply moved. There is also M. whom I met when she was 18. She's now 27 years and a mother of 2. Last year she sent me Mother's Day blessings which started out "Dearest Momma". And just recently a young mother asked me if I would be the guardian of her 4 year old daughter. So there must be something to it... this love we show to others... of all ages. I finally figured out that I must have had so many children in all my previous gilgulim, that what lingered was the memory of the feeling of motherhood in this one. Only for me, it wasn't meant to be. There were other tikkunim to do... without a mate and without biological children. And I'm still doing them. I only wish I had known this before.

(72) Monica Waldron , August 10, 2008

At least I am not alone...

After reading this article, I was some what relieved to know I wasn't the only woman who was childless at my age. No matter how much I wanted kids, it never seemed to happen. I have been struggling with this since I was 40 years old. I know its not uncommon that women who are older can still have children, but my plans were to have kids by now. G-d has taken my life in directions I never imagined.
I am trying to be patient and tolerant when it comes to my personal life. I have yet to find Mr. Right, due to the fact that Elmira NY has such a small Jewish community. I just feel like I am struggling to find someone to share my life with.

If anyone has words of wisdom that I are willing to share, I would love to hear from you.

Shalom.

Monica Waldron
mwaldron14905@yahoo.com

(71) Tina , April 9, 2008

Adoption

The problem with adoption is that you need more then it takes to raise a child

(70) Tina , April 9, 2008

The pain is always there

I tried but nothing. I had to give up but the pain is still there and great. It hurts to see people with a bundle of joy in thier life. Was I meant to hurt so much?

(69) Anonymous , March 11, 2008

"Hashgacha Pratis"

Dearest Leah, till 120.I am going to speak for a group of ladies who do not have biological children yet. It is a small support group for Charedie Women. I have spent much time thinking about what message I would like to give and what support and chizuk I can share with them. I came across your article and the title, of course, caught my eye. (I did not have children myself for almost 18 years. I cannot believe the unbelievable "hashgocha pratis". I now have so much to share with this group. It should be a great comfort for you that printing your article will be a great help, chizuk and source of strength for these women. Leah, Hashem believes in you and feels that you have much to offer. Use these gifts that you have and have a positive affect on others. Keep Strong and Besimcha.

(68) Teressa , January 3, 2008

Oh, my sisters! Only we and G-d know!

Scrolling down the comments to Leah's essay, I see that there are 67 comments. To Leah and some of the writers, I cry, "My sisters! We know. Only we know."

We know about the dream. And the day- dreaming. But for all the dreaming, all the prayers: It will not be.

It not easy. We know, yes, that this is Hashem's will for us. That, yes, Hashem is Just. ~And so it must be.

My sisters will understand: Perhaps there will be consolation. Yet, I wonder, at this stage in my life, age 58, "Will there ever be in this life, consolation to ameliorate the suffering,the pain, the grieving? The sense of integral, foundational, loss. That is unanswerable, --as my sisters know.

My mother and father, born in 1921 and 1919, were only children. Growing up, I was the only kid I knew who had no aunties, uncles, cousins. No extended family. And more, though there's no need to mention it here. At any rate,what can one say? "Hashem is just," swallow hard, and say, "O.k." Or, as the current saying goes, "Suck-it-up." Such is life. For some.

Growing up, I vowed that I would have a large family, 5, 6, 7, children!

It never happened. Unable to bear the pain, my husband left me. I understand. Now I am 58 sans family. Alone.

It is not easy. Hashem loves me. Hashem gave me breath for a reason. I do not know what that reason is. I am a nice person; a compassionate person. I make people 'happy'. I do my best; the mitzot rebound back to me. Yes. Of course. My sisters understand. One is kind; one joys in mitzvot; one joys in the joys of others.

But. No babies. Oh, my sisters! We do, we do need a forum. A 'support group' in some manner. For only we understand.

Thank you, Leah, my sister! We are not alone.

Please, see us. Give us voice. But no, no platitudes, please.

(67) batya , December 16, 2007

i am in my 39th week of pregnancy. You just gave me strength to go on with out fear. That makes you part of my birth. We are all mothers on different levels.

(66) Anonymous , October 24, 2007

Leah, I cried when I read your article. Thank you for sharing. I admire your courage.

(65) Anonymous , October 19, 2007

As someone on the begining of my journey, I take comfort in something I recently learnt. Each time a husband and wife are together a Neshama is created. Some say that these Neshamos are the Hirrhur Teshuvah (the inspiration to return) that causes Balei Teshuvah to return to their roots. So take heart- you did create many beautiful neshamos that did a lot of good!

(64) Anonymous , October 10, 2007

As an adult who was "adopted" by someone like yourself, I can only be thankful that there are more ways to impact people in the world than to have your own biological child. In fact, many relatives in my life aren't biological- my friend is now my "sister". The elderly women I visit are my "bubbies", and guests in my house are "cousins". Love doesn't have to be personalized and brand-named with our genes.

(63) Mitzi , September 18, 2007

Thank You

This article touched a deep chord in me. As I grew older, I too had to grieve the children I never had. It definitely was a grieving process, the realization that my dream was over..for it was always there, waiting to be fulfilled. This was the hardest time of my life. For now, what was my purpose, why was I even here? Everyone I knew, their identity was based upon being a "mother". Noone knows the depths of grief for a woman who longs for a child and never able to have one. My hope is that with 2 miscarriages, my children are waiting for me..one day, I will meet them and be with them.

(62) Ariel , July 24, 2007

This is one powerful article. It allows the reader a tremendous emotional experience and immediately fills one with an almost transcending feeling of longing for his/her personal dreams that were never and will never be fulfilled.

(61) sarfatti , July 23, 2007

sensitive beautiful heartbreaking text

You should put this text on top of your recommanded lecture to all young married couples....concentrating their energies on...earning money....waking up at 35 for their first child

(60) Anonymous , July 15, 2007

Great article

As another woman who was not able to have biological children though that was always my dream, I understand only too well Leah Aaronsohn's feelings on the subject.

When my mother, z'l, was ill, she told me that she took comfort from the idea that we "live on," not only in our children, but also in our accomplishments and in all those we've affected in this life. I think we especially need to remember this.

(59) Anonymous , July 15, 2007

Nurturing

I empathize completely with Mrs. Aaronsohn. I realize everyone's different and adoption is *not* a wonderful idea for everyone. That said, I will say that, although I don't know why we had to go through everything we did, I think now that everything worked out for the best. I can not imagine my life without our (adopted) son. I believe that he was meant to be my son and I was meant to be his mother - NEKUDA!

(58) Anonymous , July 15, 2007

Nurturing, addendum

Sorry -- I forgot to add what I think are two very sweet anecdotes:

One night, after my then 4-year old son and I had prayed Shma together, he reached over to me, patted my abdomen and said, "I wish I could have grown in there." I said, "That would have been nice" and my heart soared.

Also, when we were able (finally!) to adopt, the 6-year old daughter of a friend and neighbor said to me, "I'm glad you adopted Yonatan because before you were parents *without* children and that's sad. But now you're parents *with* a child and that's happy!!"

(57) Do Lern Hwei , July 14, 2007

You may have children and still keep on having them. The younger people whose lives you have an imapact on and those whom you have nurtured and encouraged are your children. So keep up the good work!

(56) Yechiel , July 7, 2007

You did your best

I, too, have always dreamed of having a family, of caring for children, of being the best and most loving husband and father I could possibly be. As I enter my forties, I am forced to face the probability that I might never experience that dream. There is no shame in trying and failing, but a preventable failure like mine is a different story. I am learning that I may never be blessed with children because I am a man, a Jewish man, and worst of all, a Jewish man without beauty or wealth. I read in Jewish periodicals that among the non-orthodox, fully 80% of Jews marry non-Jews. I have met so many Jewish women who stated emphatically that they would never date a Jewish man as a matter of principle. Many of those who remain seem to require compensation for such a "sacrifice". As I ponder the upcoming marriage of my cousin (who, to my knowledge, has never dated a Jew) to a man named Jesus, I'll let scholars and sociologists explain why this is happening; wherefore the self-contempt? The fact remains. In my experience, competing for the minority of Jewish women who are open to meeting and marrying a Jew are men with much more to offer than an I have. For some reason, in American Jewish culture, status, wealth and boastworthiness of one sort or another are the sine qua non of dating and marriage. Being a mensch with a sense of humor is merely a trifling bonus. I am a relatively unglamorous man, dedicated to teaching, devoted to my students, successful in my career, but limited to a teacher's salary. My photograph has appeared in trade journals, but you won't see it in GQ. I have my good points and my appearance is not grotesque. There have been several warm, intelligent, beautiful non-Jewish women who took an interest in me. I have been flexible in my search, but I am committed to staying Jewish. I have been open to practically anything other than an abusive relationship or intermarriage. Sadly, my twenty or so years of searching have come to naught and I'm facing the likelihood that marriage and children are not in my future. My legacy to the next generation will live in other people's children. It's sad for me, but my single, individual case is not what is relevant. The tragedy is that if we Jews had more pride in ourselves and in Jewishness generally, if we respected Torah values more than TV values, such cases as mine might not proliferate as they do. There are so many millions of precious Jewish children who desire to be born, who wish to be given the chance to live their lives but are denied the opportunity because of the folly of those of us who would be their parents. This makes it even more painful to read about a woman who has good kavanah and has done all the right things but doesn't get to be a mother.

(55) Jozef Vleeschhouwer , July 7, 2007

there exists also goodbye by persons who never new their dead parents or siblings.

This week I was at a friend, who had a prayer/study evening on the Johrzeit of his father, murdered in the Holocaust.
He was born in 1939, his father was deported when he was not even 4 years, so he has no recollection of his father. That is a parallel reality with your "saying goodbye".

(54) Gary Sharpe , July 7, 2007

Living Without Children

I hope to see my children in the hearafter...So did King David

(53) Anonymous , July 6, 2007

Everything is Beshert..

I too am a woman who was not blessed with my own biological children.. When I was at the age of conception my Niece and Nephews might have been in big trouble because their Mother was an Alcoholic drug addict. I gave up my needs and raised them. Today one is Orthodox, living in Israel and will be married in December, another is on the Honor List at University and the 3rd has just purchased his second investment home. They are all marvelous, healthy and happy, with well rounded personalities. I believe being with them was my reason to be here.. They think of me and call me at every opportunity. I do feel bad that I do not have children from my womb but I also know that what I did, I did for love and think it was my path.. We must always believe that everything happens for a reason...

(52) Yisrael S. Math , July 6, 2007

Adoption

I understand the pain of infertility personally but when all else fails, Adoption is the best way to go. you are taking care of your void and taking care of Hashems children which is and always will be the master plan. There is plenty of "AHAVA"(LOVE) to spread around to needy people. This is the one of the greatest forms of Tzadakah and Tikun Olam.

(51) hopey5000 , July 5, 2007

there are children everywhere who need to be loved

I am not sure I understand the article's premise. I raised two children and was very close to them and only later had my own. There are young children looking to be adopted and many others in need of a parent. It is only when one restricts itself to biological parenting that an issue arises.

(50) Tammy Fesspoint , July 5, 2007

Perhaps the dream was one of metaphor:

Maybe they did exist: metaphorically. For 25 years you celebrated with Israel the nation. You are not saying goodbye. You are finally there.

I had a dream about being invited to a birthday party by a very beautiful woman and her husband. The celebration was to take place on the Sabbath at the Jewish temple nearby. When I got there in the dream, there was no cake, but I was handed a prayer book. I woke up puzzled. Then, later on I was informed that each sabbath is a celebration of the birth of our world, as opposed to an annual celebration. Each time we observe the day of rest, not only are we respecting G-d's command to observe the sabbath, but we are also acknowledging the birth of our planet. Birth is a completion of a creation. The Sabbath Service is the 'birthday party'. The Sabbath is the 'little boy'. The 'woman' is the Shekeinah. G-d is the 'husband'.

Shalom veh Berachah

(49) Anonymous , July 5, 2007

How difficult and painful it is to accept this.

To Mrs. Aronson, I cried while reading your beautiful story. Maybe your "hellos" are meant to happen in a different way? Maybe by fostering/adopting? I pray with my heart and soul that you will be zoche to say "hello" with a full heart real soon.

(48) Anonymous , July 5, 2007

You Can Still Have Children

I read your courageous article with much empathy. As one who loves children, but who has not yet married or had her own (but who hopes to someday...), I can relate to the feelings of waiting for, aspiring for, and living looking towards the future, of wanting to a parent, of wanting to be able to share a life with new lives, with children.

Although you may not be able to have children biologically, it does not mean that you have to give up on having children. Adoption is a beautiful possibility...there are so many needy children, children who seek loving homes -

Although it is not easy to understand why G-d has presented you with the life challenge of sacrificing biological children, some beauty may emerge from it.

A child or children seeking a loving home might find a loving home with you -

Perhaps this is G-d's plan for you - being a parent to children who seek a loving home.

Much love,

(47) Anonymous , July 5, 2007

A personal message to Leah Aaronson

Dear Leah
Your article has touched my very being and I would like to share something with you, if i may? My parents too could not have children. Their heartbreak was imense, their brothers and sisters were all having children and with every new baby in the extended family, the pressure, along with the devastating reality of not having children, would intensify. After 12 years of crying, pleading, arguing and trying every method possible to concieve, they paid a visit to Israel and specifically to the Western Wall. My mother placed a letter in the wall asking G-d to give her a child. A year later my parents adopted me, just 7 days old. The adoption itself was unusual since they were called privately and unexpectedly. The truth is that I was born through another human being, however I know that because my parents were willing to sacrifice having biological children, they allowed me, ultimately a neshama on a physical journey, to be where I am meant to be - with them and a part of the Jewish Nation. Who knows the spiritual reasons for them not being able to have children?
Please don't give up my dear, G-d has his own plans for you and when they come to light, they will exceed your wildest expectations.
With Love
Your Friend

(46) Marni Rosen , July 4, 2007

Other views

Although I was blessed with biological children, for whom I am profoundly grateful, I also lost several potential children through early miscarriages and my family never felt quite complete so we are now planning to adopt, not babies, but older children who need us as much as we need them.
A friend who never had bio kids but was blessed with two by adoption wrote this:
Sadness in this case is a funny thing. Yes, I will always regret that my wife has never been pregnant. To have been able to see her with a big belly & knowing that there was life in there, would have been wonderful. But children per se? Hashem has given (or to be exact, loaned) them to us. "Bio" and "adopted" are unimportant adjectives. I think that to be sad about not having biological kids, especially if one has adopted children, would be - chas v'chalila! - showing ingratitude to Hashem and telling Him, "Not good enough." I remember when my cup was empty; therefore, I rejoice over what He has filled it with. Sadness & melancholy are too powerful to keep around. Let them overstay their welcome and they'll take over and consume you. Sadness should be like the Pesach cutlery - kept safely tucked away and brought out only on very rare occasions.

When I took our son (he was 4-months-old & sound asleep) into my arms for the very first time, I thought of a line from one of my favorite movies, 1985's "Witness": "What you take into your hands, you take into your heart." Baruch Hashem, we've taken our boys into our hearts and those 2 little dynamos leave no room for sadness.

(45) Bobbi , July 4, 2007

thank you for essay

I feel great empathy with this writer and relate very much to what she is saying. I find it helps to say "yes" to whatever life has given us. Thank you for your honesty.

(44) Anonymous , July 3, 2007

Me too

This gives words to the heartbreak I feel every day. After monthly tears for years, now an abyss. For ever a disappointment so deep no consolation seems possible. So thanks for sharing.

(43) rodriguezintexas , July 3, 2007

Life's Tapestries

I watch my two and three year old girls carry baby dolls and talk about being mommies when they get "bigger" and I realize that our dream of being mothers begins when we are very small. Those instincts were created within us and although we grow up believing we can be anything we want to be in the world, for most of us, the desire to be a mommy overshadows all else. You really don't even imagine or consider infertility along the way...that is, until it happens. The pain of infertility can only be understood by those who have experienced it. My years of suffering numbered seven--more than some and less than others. We chose adoption. That is another roller-coaster ride in and of itself. But when we brought home our little boy it was all worth it...all the ups and downs of the adoption process and even all the years of infertility. I knew in my heart that this child was created by G-d to be part of our family. In all of G-d's perfection, he designed for my son to come from another beautiful woman's womb yet be placed into my arms next to my heart. I truly believe had I already bore children I would have passed up this amazing blessing. Then, as providence would have it, only a few months later my husband and I were finally given the opportunity by G-d to bring life into the world. This was equally as wonderful as adoption, but totally different. In fact, it gave me even more appreciation for my son and for his birthmother. Being pregnant was, again, it own roller-coaster and I was too sick most of the time to enjoy it, but the pain of infertility was still too fresh not to rejoice in the midst of it all. Then, she was born...an angel wrapped in flesh. And a year later, another. My infertility story is over, but the painful memories are not forgotten. My heart still breaks for those who live with it every day. Our lives are designed by our Creator, woven together like a beautiful tapestry. My tapestry included infertility, miscarriage, adoption and pregnancy. Some tapestries may include only one of these or any number of combinations. For my mother, her tapestry was to have three healthy children only to lose one tragically after his 16th birthday. My cousin's tapestry includes a child with special needs. One thing that is true for all tapestries, though, is that you can find "flaws" when you look at it close up but the further you step away from the tapestry, the less you see the "flaws" and the more you see the masterpiece of the Creator. Your pain is different than mine. Your struggle was longer and now it is almost over, but not ending the way you had dreamed of since you were a child. My eyes and my soul cry for you and I wish I could take it all away. But, your tapestry is no less beautiful than anyone else's. It is no less of a masterpiece. I encourage you as you transition into this next stage of your life to step back and see what the Creator is weaving together for you. He has designed it with a purpose and He wants you to enjoy it.

(42) ray , July 3, 2007

you can do it too!

"Although the other comments are aimed at infertility as part of a couple, it's time the community realized that as there are more and more unmarried Jewish women, the children they might have borne are lost forever. I know that I grieve for my unborn children. There is no one that understands this grief, and I feel that Hashem has abandoned me. I feel very alone.
I wish the Jewish community was open to developing some support groups for this painful situation."

To the poster who wrote this, the org. that started to serve the infertile world, and to enlighten the community, was started by people who suffered infertility, and just out of their living room.
It's not a community thing, its an individual thing that becomes a community awareness. I am sure you have the ability to start the same for poeple that suffer what you are. It must be started by people like you, who know excactly what the suffering is.
Gather your courage, and start!!" of course, good luck.



"Brilliant and compelling. The courage to share her pain as well as her clarity & insight make this article one I will remember for a long time"

I agree with this line. excactly.

(41) Anonymous , July 3, 2007

I caree and pray

Wow, I certainly care and probably don't care enough.
However, I am wondering; since we've leant that by the Matriarchs - 'Why were they created unable to bear children, because The Holy One has a great desire for the prayers of the righteous. I am certainly not making fun or assuming that not enough prayer was said, but perhaps one might say that there would not be such miracles nowadays. One should not allow anyone to say that. There can be miracles. And really, since everything is from heaven, there really is nothing 'above normal' except that there is the normal way the world works. I heard a story from a talmid –disciple of Harav Avrohom Ya'akov Hakohein Pam ZTZ"L, that a man asked a rav about what to do in such a case. So he said, 'pray'. The man said, 'Does the rav not think I am praying tremendously?' The rav answered as follows. When we pray, sometimes we do so just because we know it is the right thing to do. But do we pray with the attitude that this can bring things; THIS IS IT!? The man prayed like this and soon after, he had a child.
p.s. One may know the following story, but it is important here – which I heard also from the above talmid (I think at a different time): A rav was giving a shiur about lechem haponim - the loaves of bread which were loaded onto the Shulchan in the Bais Hamikdosh. He was describing how HKB"H had so much joy from it and how in it's merit, good livelihood was given to Jews etc. When the man heard this - a 'simple' man, who did not realize that his was a service of the Bais Hamikdosh specifically, he went home and told over the shiur to his wife. He then asked if she would bake beautiful challos and that they would deposit them in the aaron hakodesh - for after all, if ity brings HSH"M so much joy why should they not do it? They baked the challos and deposited them into the aaron before Shabboss.
A few hours later, the gabbai -caretaker came, and in his preparations for Shabbos, found the challos in the Aaron - Holy Ark. He said, 'this is surprising, I wonder why someone would put them here. Well he probably had in mind that it should be a discreet charity.' So, he took some home and perhaps gave some to poor people. When it came to reading from the Torah on Shabbos, the man realized that the challa bread was gone. He was so delighted, 'The RBSH"O took the lechem haponim!! He was so happy, he could not wait to go home and tell his family.
Now, this went on for weeks - with no one realizing who the 'benefactor' was. Then one week, the rav saw this man going into shul with large bags of challa. 'That is strange' he thought, 'I didn't know of any occasion this week'. So he asked the man about it and the man answered simply that it was lechem haponim and that he had been depositing it there for weeks and that it was clear that it was being accepted in Heaven because week after week, it was gone by Shabbos morning! The rav said, 'no my friend' you cannot give lechem haponim nowadays, and so it is probably the gabbai who comes to clean up who is probably enjoying you bread. They went inside, and sure enough, the gabbai had just sat down to a meal! The man was devastated. No lechem haponim, all just wasted effort. And now he is also being seen as a simpleton and perhaps a fool to boot? He was absolutely devastated.
The very same night, the rav had a dream, he should know the following. The truth was that in heaven they were having a tremendous pleasure from the work of this man. And they said the following, "Since the destruction of our Holy Temple, there was never such a pleasure from the offering of lechem haponim as there was from this man. Because what he was doing was sincere and well intentioned. And since the rav crushed this man and the pleasure from Heaven his days are numbered." Soon after this, he passed away.

This story is quoted by a great sefer-holy book. I do not remember the name right now. But this talmid said over like this – that he would like to make it clear that it is quoted by a very great Torah book and so is authentic. Thus let us just do what we can and this is the greatest accomplishment – as it also says in Holy books.
I sincerely hope these words are encouraging and ask forgiveness if there is any lacking of concern. P.p.s. This is not the first time I thought of saying this. I think that things along these lines should be spoken about a lot in regards to these issues. (On the other hand I am not looking for articles to 'attack' Heaven forbid) BS"D.

(40) Victoria , July 3, 2007

Orphanages in Israel

The Jerusalem Post online regularly has links on orphanages in Israel. Many, many very, very young ones who desperately need LOVE. Please look them up. If you do not wish to adopt, you can also sponsor one or more, and give them a chance at LIFE.

(39) Anonymous , July 3, 2007

I read this article differently....

I couldn't get this article out of my mind all night. I can't even imagine the pain of major infertility, may nobody be afflicted with it, chas v'shalom. For me, this article was haunting becuase it spoke to me of the large family that I - and so many Jewish women - have been talked out of having. Societal pressures, the cost of day schools, and expectations that we must give each of our children lots of material goods have limited the size of all the Jewish families I know. (Even "modern" Orthodox families often have no more than 3 or 4 children.) When I first started this article, I didn't think of infertility - may all cases of it be swiftly cured - but of the additional children my peers and I decided not have when we opted for smaller families. This article is haunting on so many levels.

(38) Anonymous , July 2, 2007

I agreed to raise my husband's children

Thank you for this important and very real article. As others have already said, the mainstream married world does not "get" the pain of this particular loss for single women in particular.
I went through all of the stages of grieving over not having children, and had major uterus surgery, and then, at 43 I met my husband and married for the first time. I agreed to raise my husband's multiple children as my own and threw myself into that project "with all my heart, with all my soul, and with all my resources." In short order I found myself in greatly reduced financial circumstances, but greatly increased joy and laughter. The children don't look like me, but they learn from me and receive love from me. I often reflected that if I had had biological children, I couldn't love them any more than I love these children. What I learned is that all children deserve and need love, and if you pour your heart into them, you will love them deeply.
At 44, my husband and I witnessed an open miracle when, with a reproductive system which was not working at all for some time, I found I was pregnant. The birth of our daughter was so remarkable that I didn't allow myself to believe it was happening until I held her in my arms. Our rabbi has commented that when G-d saw that I was willing to parent children that were not my own, He changed my mazal to include a child of my own. Who knows? I know that even if this miracle baby had not come along, I would have my three stepchildren to take care of, pay for, cry over, and love. My daughter looks just like one of her siblings and very little like me -- so much for all those expectations! I highly recommend finding children to love and spending every moment and every dime you have on them, and see if it doesn't fill some of that hole where the biological children "should have been." It isn't easy, but it is enormously worthwhile. Good luck to you in managing the next chapter of your life.

(37) leah , July 2, 2007

thank you so very very important

This piece of writing is so very important. It validates my own experience and many other women who were told "to wait". For me, a product of the feminist movement. It is a big lie. A woman cannot "wait" so long. I am 45 and may chances are virtually zero. I am truly angry and in mourning. Thank you aish for giving a voice to my very deep pain. I have support. Don't worry, readers. This has to be told. Stop misleading Jewish women. Without us there are "chas v'chalilah" no more children. This is very painful and unfair. Make more matches. Care about singles.

(36) Ben K , July 2, 2007

What About Adoption?

I feel bad for you regarding not being able to have biological childeren of your own, but your dream of taking care of children and raising them and all that goes with it don't haveto end, many ADOPT children and raise them as their own and, while it might not be quite the same as biological, after some time it will certainly feel "parental"

(35) Anonymous , July 2, 2007

Don't despair - consider Adoption!

You can still have your dreams come true. There are many, many kids that need loving parent(s). After a while (and oftentimes right away), you will feel the child to be yours. They come ready and willing to receive all the love and care you've been setting aside all this time waiting for your own birth child!

(34) Anonymous , July 2, 2007

Ungranted wishes

You have expressed my feelings so well. I have never borne, held, or raised a child of my own and have still to come to terms with saying farewell to the unborn. Thank you.

(33) debb harelik , July 2, 2007

goodbye to my children

I lived an infertile life for many years and finally was blessed. However for those that felt as if the blessing past them by, I pray that they find as much comfort in this letter as I did.

(32) Anonymous , July 2, 2007

so many of us now

We are a silent group of women who are ignored by the media, society and the schul. We are often treated as flawed. I have ached for years over the children I never had. I never had the opportunity to marry, so many reasons and situations just prevented the right match. There are thousands of us and we have no voice in society, so thank you for sharing. My heart goes out to you.

(31) Anonymous , July 2, 2007

Cancer took away my ability to have children....

I, at the age of 36 was diagnosed with Nuclear Grade 1 Uterine Cancer, whereas, I was fortunate to be given the option of total surgical removal of my reproductive system, including the Cervix. I was given a chance to live. I too have longed to have a Baby, because I have a limitless supply of affection & love for these gems. I wanted to volunteer my services in one of the Maternity Wards, but, it still is too painful to face the fact that I will never have one of my own. Perhaps I and countless of others in my situation will be blessed in other ways? This is why I cringe at the thought of a new mother throwing away her baby in the dumpster... this is unforgiveable.

(30) orly , July 2, 2007

My heart ached as I read this article. The pain and eloquent sadness that poured forth was so tangible. It must be a very difficult nisayon to accept such a stark and sad reality. Hashem should grant you siyatta d'shmaya to stay afloat and soar beyond the confines of circumstance.

(29) rochel faust , July 2, 2007

Moving On with a GoodBye

Leah's words are beautiful and I share her journey...many years ago I sacrificed my ability to bear children in my battle with cancer. For many years I felt the pain, but finally I did formally talk to those neshamos that I wouldn't bring down to this earth. I often think that I have met them along the way...but HaShem granted me the opportunity of pouring out my love and maternal instincts into my husband's children. So even though they don't carry my genes and I didn't change their diapers, they carry a piece of me with them, and for that I am so grateful to HaShem.

(28) yonah , July 2, 2007

brilliant and compelling

Brilliant and compelling. The courage to share her pain as well as her clarity & insight make this article one I will remember for a long time.

Although her article dealt with not having children, her insights are applicable to other life challenges in which our dreams are shattered and we are required to conform our will to H-shem's will for us, and somehow go forward without resentment and bitterness.

Thank you for sharing this article on Aish.

(27) Mary , July 2, 2007

me too

I had the same experience and I thought I could fix it by becoming a teacher but I guess God didn't want me to be a teacher.

(26) Simcha , July 1, 2007

I can relate to everything you're saying!

Oh, can I relate to all that you said!! I've dreamt of children, awoken with pseudo labor pains, even could smell the scent of my own newborn babies - babies I've never had. I've had dreams of showing my daughter how to make challah, teaching her the l'hadlik, tearing up hearing my son reading from the hadadah for the first time on Pesach, smiling as the children look for Eliyahu - but chidren I don't - and have never had. I tear up sometimes because I miss them so much, I write them letters sometimes because my heart aches for them as if they've been gone for a long time. I half expect to find pictures of them in my photo albums except that they have not been born in my 42 years. I've never met anyone who understands until I read this article. It is a deep ache and longing, especially when our faith is so children and family-centered but I know that HaShem has a plan for me. And all of us so I trust Him with that.

(25) Charlotte , July 1, 2007

why say goodby?

I opened your article because I suffered infertility and the loss of giving birth to our child, and I expected to identify with your feelings. I never said goodby to the ones I didn't have. I just kept looking for the ones that I could make part of my life. There are children out there that need your love. Find them, and don't say good bye to them. Can you imagine how it feels to a child to have to say good bye to someone who was supposed to care for them, but is now gone? They suffer more than we do with our loss. A child is waiting for you to say hello, and then stay for the good and the bad times (having children isn't just about the celebrations - it includes teaching them about reality, teaching them how to change a dream they may have had that didn't come true).
This year I did get to say good bye to my father who died of prostate cancer. I felt blessed, that I had a father for all these years, who did care for me all of my life, and saying good bye wasn't so horrible because he's still here with me. Being a parent, I believe is "never having to say good bye" Once the relationship is established, it lasts more than one lifetime. Please don't say good bye. Say hello to a person who was already born, but needs a parent and establish a new relationship - one with whom you will never say good bye.

(24) Tamar , July 1, 2007

Look around you for opportunity...

There are many pieces to the puzzle of our lives. Only God knows what the final picture looks like. Take the pieces God has given you so far and see how they might fit together to work together for good.

Out of the death of our dreams comes new life in other directions. His ways are not our ways. I myself was born as a direct result of two other people dying in accidents. Our of their deaths came my life. Out of the death of your own beloved dreams of bearing children could come new life as well...look around, somewhere in your sphere of influence there is a child who needs your love. Open your arms and your heart to them.

(23) Anonymous , July 1, 2007

Just one life

While I do not know why the author is sure she will never have children, I will take it that she has been told this will not be reality for her. When I was single I used to donate to Just One Life. This is for women who want their babies but feel they have no choice but to abort them due to financial pressures. Efrat crib is another such agency. I wish such an organization existed right here for American Jews. I told myself that perhaps those would be the children I would have since I was single and couldn't find anyone to marry. B"H I did get married and I have two children I hope against hope this happens for her but if not let this be a z'chus for her.

(22) Anonymous , July 1, 2007

this article is so sad and so real.it's a fear i deal with all the time and i would really like to discuss the whole topic with you since it seems that yovu've worked on yourself in an unbeliveable way.you are a true inspiration!!

(21) Beverly Kurtin, Ph.D. , July 1, 2007

On the other hand...

Although my heart goes out to each would-be mom who never has had children of their own, having them is not what you think it is.

Having children cost me hundreds of thousands of dollars. My reward? I never hear from any of them.

I've had four heart attacks and open-heart surgery and never so much as got a telephone call from any of them.

I suffered a massive hemorrhagic stroke that left me without speech and wiped out everything that made me an engineer. My children never even called. It was close to Christmas and having married gentles, they had important parties to attend instead of their mother.

I refuse to be bitter. I have too many blessings for that. But if I had to do it again, I'd have had my Ph.D. 25 years earlier than have had children. When I finally received my doctorate do you know how many of my children bothered to attend or even congratulate me?

ZERO. Watch what you wish for…

(20) Embi , July 1, 2007

Your article has really struck a chord

Thank-you on behalf of all the people who do not have the words to say what you have said.

I hope God's plans for you include friendships with loving families whose children look up to you as a vibrant part of their lives. I do not have children but my best friends' 3-year-old brings me so much nachus when he runs screaming with delight into my arms everytime I visit. My friends tell me my visits are a welcome and needed break for them while their beloved child fills a nurturing need in me.

We don't always know what God's plans for us are but I think yours might have included giving solace to those many people in a similar position to you. To feel alone is the worst situation of them all.

May God grant you joy and fulfillment in life.

(19) pam , July 1, 2007

Saying goodbye to what never was

I could have written this article as I have done and felt the same thing. I only question as to why Hashem denied me the only thing I ever asked for. this has defined my life of sadness and incompleteness.

(18) Ray Bucko , July 1, 2007

A precious great grandchild

At this time of my life, nothing is more precious to me than my grandchildren and great-grandchildren. At a funeral for a dear friend last week my grand daughter who lost her first baby at birth came to the funeral and my heart broke once again as I hugged her and I know we both felt her loss over again. But, as you said, we are on God's time. I am greatful for that. Ray

(17) Anonymous , July 1, 2007

Beautiful article

I never write comments to any articles I read. But, yours sent shivers over my entire body. I was able to feel the love, motherhood and care you have to give. I am so sorry for your pain. And wish you only the greatest, happiest, and healthiest years ahead.

(16) Rochel , July 1, 2007

the souls DO exist...

"I won't even be able to pray for their souls because they never existed." (your line)
I think you should check this out with a Rav, but I am most certain (that I was told) that souls ARE created even if they do not come to the fetus stage (in a marriage). And if I understood this correctly, you DO meet them after 120 years, and you DO get credit for every soul created. So I think there's something to hold on to...

(15) Anonymous , July 1, 2007

A beautiful and important article

Thank you, Leah, for writing such a moving and beautiful article. As an "older single" I, too, cry over the children I never had a chance to bear, raise, and enjoy. I rail against the unfairness of it all - especially when I read in the news about people who were blessed with children and neglected, abused, or even killed them.
Although the other comments are aimed at infertility as part of a couple, it's time the community realized that as there are more and more unmarried Jewish women, the children they might have borne are lost forever. I know that I grieve for my unborn children. There is no one that understands this grief, and I feel that Hashem has abandoned me. I feel very alone.
I wish the Jewish community was open to developing some support groups for this painful situation.

(14) Judith Bowers , July 1, 2007

the children I never had

Dear Leah,
I'm sad that you weren't able to bear children. I wasn't able to either. Part of me still grieves that and for much the same reasons as you give in your article.

My husband and I chose to adopt. We were privileged to receive two beautiful daughters from Korea, one at 3 months old, the other at 4 months old. They are now 24 and 22. They have brought incredible joy, love, grief, and yes, some exasperation and a good deal of pain into our lives. Just as birth children would have.

It's hard to remember now that they were not born to us. On their birthdays, just celebrated in June, I do remember. I feel again the sadness of not birthing them, I think especially of their birthmothers, of the great gift they gave to us, of the sadness and pain they must continue to feel on these birthdays. But most of all, I am grateful and know we are blessed.

I pray that for you there are many joys and blessings in your continuing life. I too have a hard time with loss, so I wish for you much love, beauty, and happiness.

(13) Gloria Stillman , July 1, 2007

My daughter must also say goodbye!

My daughter is 43 years old & has always wanted children. But alas, this was not meant to be. I'm going to email this to her so that perhaps she can come to an understanding in her mind to let go of this. I pray that this will have this effect.

(12) Anonymous , July 1, 2007

Children do not equal nachas

Although God has blessed me with healthy children who are mentshkite, I do not take my happiness for granted. I myself tore my parents hearts out for many years until I overcame my demons. I have more friends whose children are sources of grief and worry than of joy. I just attended the funeral of a lovely gentleman who was a devoted father and grandfather - but his mother saw him die of cancer. My varioius friends have children who are autistic, anorexic, oppositional defiant, and have abused drugs. I know people who didn't get to see their grandchild before he was 10 because the parents weren't on speaking terms with the grandparents. I knew a rich couple whose daughter sued them and would not settle. The mother died of a broken heart. I knew of a family who lost two sons to diseases, and the father lost his will to live, and he died of a broken heart. One friend's daughter had a baby with her non Jewish boyfriend and is expecting the second. I know of Holocaust survivors whose children married non Jews, to their distress. I have comforted friends whose kids have developed into mean people through no fault of the parents. I see my friends struggle to teach their autistic child to learn a few signs, because he cannot speak. The saddest funeral I ever attended was that of the 13 year old boy in our community who died of leukemia, but my friends in the Chevra Kadisha had to do a tahara once on an infant girl.
Someone who never got married might think that she missed out on all the joys of married life, but a woman who is unhappily married has it worse, especially if she ends up being an aguna waiting forever for her get. Similarly, a childless woman or couple may think she has missed out on the great joys of parenthood. And I admit, I tease my children all the time that their reason for existence is to bring me 'nachos', but we all know that you cannot count on your children to give you happiness. You have to find happiness and meaning in your life irrespective of whether you have children or what happens with them. If your children do bring you joy, count yourself as very blessed. But you can certainly be very blessed even if you do not bear children. You still have the potential to touch so many other people's lives for the good, including the lives of children.
In our own lives, we do not see our little granddaughter who lives far away, but the little girl next door is like a granddaughter to us, which is good for her and for us.
Give your love to other people's children, and you may find that they will repay your love with great dividends. Just keep giving, and you will feel good because you gave. Love is not limited by blood.

(11) Anonymous , July 1, 2007

Adoption?

I too was not biologically able have children. This
did not prevent me from having the family that we all
wanted. We adopted a son, had the pleasure of seeing
him become a bar mitzvah, and learned that blood does not necessarily make a family. When I held him in my arms, I knew I was his mother and it was bashert. It is unfortunate that you had to spend so
long grieving your infertility when you could be
proactive. I am so sorry about your lost opportunity. Perhaps it's not too late if you would
open your heart and mind to the idea of adoption
and understand that a child is his/her own person
regardless of genetics.

(10) Donna , July 1, 2007

Saying Good Bye

I can totally relate to this article. It still brings tears to my eyes sometimes when I see a new born, toddler, or child. I too never was blessed with the Gift from Heaven and GOD.
BUT yes, I believe GOD truly has other PLANS for me. At age 54 I have found a NEW Journey in LIFE. Crazy as it my sound, I am power lifting. I feel that is my purpose right now in LIFE. I feel GOD has chosen me to be at the gym right now in my LIFE. I was married 27 yrs. Did not know what to do with myself after taking care of a disable husband for 24 yrs. I am finding MYSELF again through Power Lifting and making New friends, a new LIFE. Children were not in GOD's plans for me. Keep the FAITH.

Believe.

Shalom

(9) Syma Rubinstein , July 1, 2007

May G-d bless all of us

My mother always said it's not giving birth to a child but raising it that counts most. I do agree. I have only one biological child due to one other miscarriage and an ex husband who refused to have more than one child due to his financial instability. Needless to say, we divorced when my son was 3 mostly because I wanted 2 or 3 children. Well, I have not met another man that was marriage material, so I have stayed a single mom with my one son. I have yearned for the past 11 years to marry and have another, but this was not in G-d's plan either. Now at 48, I have accepted my clock is ticking down, and that I must now just concentrate on my one son and hope and pray he marries and gives me lots of granchildren. Does my son who is 13 look like me? Not too much, more like his father's side of the family. I know many whose biological children do not resemble them too much. I would not hesitate if I remarried at an older age to adopt a child so my son knows the nachas of having a sibling. But if this doesn't happen? I would have to accept this as G-d's plan. I regret not marrying in my 20's and having children earlier with the right man, but we cannot dwell on our pasts. We must live each day and hope for a better present and future for us and our families/friends. G-d bless us all.

(8) raye , July 1, 2007

Instead of goodbye, say hello

Thereis a whole world of childen out there to say hello to. After ten years of childlessness, I found myself blessed by the love I shared with children not of my flesh. My nieces and nephews, my little students and my friends' little ones. Recently, I experienced the joy of sleeping in the same room with two 9 month old infants and their mothers, who happened to be twin sisters. They knew that I loved them for just being.

(7) Anonymous , July 1, 2007

been there

As one who went through all kinds of invasive treatments and 9 miscarriages, my heart really goes out to you. I went to Har HaMenuchos cemetary in Jerusalem, to the section where stillbirths and newborns are buried in umarked graves, and davened there. It gave me much comfort.

(6) Sura , July 1, 2007

Finally, a mention of the everlastingly infertile couple

THANK YOU so very much for this inspiring article about those of us that never achieve biological parenthood. I too had to give up my dream of bearing a child. When I think of all the tests one must go through ( dissapointments, illness, loss), this one still looms as a BIGGIE, perhaps the biggest! I am still in shock about it, as I had never in my wildest dreams or should I say nightmares, imagined that God could or would put me in that category of people, those who are the last in their direct line as far as producing geneology. Yes, it is indeed too late now, and all my shattered dreams cannot be pasted together to have one more hopeful dream, as reality about my age and my biological clock has to be accepted. The joy of creating a baby will never happen for me. I will forever be a barren woman. We do not understand Hashem's ways, but I beieve every waking day that God has reasons for everything. I admit I am still unable to fully or even partially agree with this one, but know that only God can and does oversee this world so that choice was never mine. I must therefore allow myself to go on b'simcha, though I will always be missing that link with a baby whose face resembles mine. I have adopted, and it has added tremendous joy to my life to do so, more than I had anticipated. I am connected to my child in every way. Even that is in God's hands and many couples who do not adopt are still very happy just having each other. I would like to have a support group for couples who are past childbearing, to discuss issues and give each other chizuk. There is NO SUCH GROUP currently available, even through "A Time." Perhaps they will see that we still have anguish regarding infertility and include us in their thinking, not only couples still trying to conceive.

(5) JJ , July 1, 2007

other things to be done

I was unable to have children either. In my dreams I adopted children that no one else wanted. Back then the system still denied me children because I didn't have enough money. Try to adopt and make a life good for a child who needs you. That is part of G-d's plan, to have people willing to raise another's child.

(4) Liebe , July 1, 2007

Grief and loss

Dear Leah,

Your writing of your grief and loss will validate the feelings of many who share your agonizing childlessness. Your burden is very great. None of us can know the plan that HaShem elaborates for each of us. We can only know that through Hashgacha Pratit, which means "personal supervision," HaShem carefully tends to our needs. Like the children we are, we often don't receive the gifts we really, really want. Our task, difficult as it may be, is to engage with those gifts that we DO have and to bless G-d for every single thing, even the gifts we don't get. Look around you, then look within and bless G-d for what you have.

(3) Sheina , July 1, 2007

Same here

Wow, this could have been my story, and I guess I have just completed my cycle of saying goodbye and had anyone ever told me I would be thankful to be off the fertility merry go round, I wouldn't have believed it but after 23 losses, I am out the other side and looking forward to whatever Hashem has in store for me - its a miracle I can think like that now :)

(2) Anonymous , July 1, 2007

Many couples struggle with infertility and there are many articiles written about this issues. Most articles, however, have "happy" endings where, after years of struggle, a child is born. For many couples, there is no "happy" ending. For this reason, this article will touch a chord with many couples.

Recognizing that G~d has other plans for one is a big step in being able to move on. The author's hope that maybe at some future dae G~d will reveal His Master Plan and she will be able to see the lives she was able to create or touch, albeit not biologically, is a beautiful concept. This is truly a hopeful thought that will bring hope to other infertile couples.

(1) RL , July 1, 2007

Hope to Hashem

I understand (and hope) that writing this article must have been cathartic for you and I am truely sorry that you feel you have reached a stage where you must let this go.

I write because I am concerned that an article of this nature may engender feelings of hopelessness and despair in those for whom it is still possible to hope and to daven for Hashem's salvation.

For you I daven that Hashem sends you many students as your offspring in this world and the next - as we learn from Noach - ikar todos tzadikim maasim tovim (the main offspring of the tzadik are his righteous deeds) For those who wait in hope, may Hashem grant you the deepest desires of your heart letova. Kaveh El Hashem Chazak Veametz Libeich Ve Kaveh El Hashem - hope to Hashem, strengthen yourself and then hope to Hashem (Tehillim 27).

May you experience the joy of Hashem's presence and guidance in everything you do.