Dating Advice #44 - Ready to Give Up

Dear Rosie & Sherry,

I'm a single, non-religious Jewish male age 41, and have never been married or even engaged. While I'll date non-Jews, I prefer Jewish women since that gives us something in common. However, when I date, women give me the usual "You're a very nice person, and I'm sure that you'll eventually find someone, but that's not me."

In my younger years I was incredibly shy and did not date at all. Now, I would like to find Ms. Right to settle down and get married. I go on many blind dates. But it never fails, only the girls I don't find attractive tend to be interested in me.

I don't think I'm superficial, because there have been many women who I was attracted to who were, for example, overweight. I like girls with nice, fun personalities. I don't come on very strong, so I am sure I don't actually scare them away.

After a lifetime of this, I've pretty well given up on the idea of dating, let alone marriage. I work full time, love books & movies, art museums, and learning -- yet women call me dull and uninteresting.

So the question is: Is there something wrong with me that I get attracted to women who don't want me? Or is this normal behavior? All of my friends seem to be happily married except me. Please give me some advice to get out of this vicious cycle.

Mike

Dear Mike,

You've hit a disheartened stage that many older singles get to after years of unproductive dating. We're here to tell you not to give up hope. We've seen many people in your situation find a person to happily share their life with. The fact that so many women let you down by saying you're a nice person actually says a lot. Men who aren't good marriage material don't hear this from their dates.

One of the problems older singles face is that without intending to, they become very wrapped up in themselves, and that makes it harder for them to get married. This is a natural phenomenon -- you are the center of your life simply because you haven't had an opportunity to share it with anyone. You've built a lifestyle that includes a job, financial independence, a comfortable apartment or house and a group of friends, and have developed interests that you can enjoy on your own.

So in order to experience dating that leads to marriage, long-time singles have to re-learn the art of trusting another person with intimate information, sharing the center of their lives with someone else, negotiating and compromising, and looking more optimistically toward the future. One book that can help you in this area is "The Inner Circle - Seven Gates to Marriage" by Shaya Ostrov (Feldheim Publishers).

You face another challenge that has kept you from getting to marriage. You tell us people consider you dull and uninteresting. This may be because you are introverted and have a hard time opening up to someone else. Or it may be because most of your recreational pursuits are solitary in nature.

You can't change your personality type, but you can develop some skills that will help you be a more interesting on dates. See if you can branch one of your interests into something that's more interactive -- like joining a filmmaking workshop or book review club, for example.

If you have trouble sustaining interesting conversations, enlist a friend or two to help you role-play dating conversations. It may take several sessions, and your friend must be willing to offer constructive criticism, but it will pay off as you strengthen your conversational skills.

We also suggest that you try to vary the things you do on dates -- like a museum, miniature golf, etc. Interactive activities take the focus off of trying to "make" conversation and at the same time your environment and activity gives you lots of material for talk.

Our final advice is to get yourself a dating advisor. We find that men and women in their 30s and 40s achieve maximum dating success when they have the one-on-one help of a married friend or mentor to give them support and guidance when it comes to dating.

A dating advisor doesn't necessarily need any special training, but people who are interested in assuming these roles can participate in seminars offered by "Sasson V'Simcha" or the "Seven Gates Institute."

We hope that you don't give up on the hope that you can find a great spouse. Take a month or two off from dating if you need to recharge your batteries, but by all means give yourself a new chance at dating success. With the right effort, you'll be able to date successfully and will be appealing to great marriage-minded women. Good luck.

Rosie & Sherry

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Published: December 16, 2002
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Visitor Comments: 18

(16) Jason Alatorre, December 3, 2011 9:00 AM

I am in the same situation,but different

I hit that rut as well so hard that it is impossible to find anyone. not even the women I find non attractive won't even date me. I come off as strong yet careing person. Is it just me or is women who have found the right guy are soo scared that they break up with them?

(15) Avis, February 26, 2011 12:26 AM

Want to correspond with him

Hi Rosie and Sherry. I liked what this man wrote. He shares similar interests with me. I'd like to just talk with him, email him, even if it just doesn't go any farther. At least we could share. Thanks for your inspiring site. Avis

(14) Anonymous, October 22, 2010 1:44 AM

Wow - I wish I could meet a dull uninteresting guy.

Usually people who come across as interesting are putting on a show. I don't date. As a rule. False personas always crack open to reveal a more disturbing truth. Besides, I'm incredibly dull and uninteresting. I love reading. I live in museums. I wish I could meet a guy who could be completely happy just being quiet with me. Dating is for gamers. Hopefully those of us who just want to be ourselves can find happiness in this world.

(13) heather, June 12, 2010 8:01 AM

give up on dating...and enjoy your life

I grew up in a half-Catholic, half-Jewish home in Los Angeles. I am 42 years-old, and had completely given up on dating a little more than 10 years ago. I am still happy working on my career, and in the rare time, with friends. Don't worry about it. I think that in these modern times, the idea of marriage (at least in a "traditional" sense is dead). There are far more important things to deal with in this age. What is happening in the Gulf, for instance? I can't think of anything more important that that, although I work with inner-city children every day, and in a hospital at night. My God, who is selfish enough to worry about anything else nowadays?! Why on earth would you be worrying about a mate? Please explain. I cannot understand. -heather

e, December 11, 2011 9:04 AM

really? you're not interested in dating or marriage?

Heather, I had to laugh - if you are more concerned about what is happening in the Gulf, and think it is selfish to worry about a mate, why on earth are you wasting your time reading and responding to a dating article???? I think your actions betray you! :)

(12) Adrenalin, June 3, 2010 7:09 PM

BEST ADVICE for being a great conversationalist

You have to get more interested in PEOPLE. Start with people in your life already (parents, sister and brothers,distant family, friends, ). To be more interested, practice on getting to know the 'real' them - what makes them tick, why they are the way they are, what events/ people in their life shaped them, what really matters to them. What things do they like, what things do they dislike, and WHY. Once you learn to really listen, you will discover that people are very interesting, and by default, they will think you are amazing because people LOVE people who are interested in them. I know your future will change immediately for the better. Good luck!

(11) walter, April 27, 2010 6:45 PM

im in the same boat

I have the same problem. I am almost 34 and never married. Ive never made it past 5 months with the same person. usually they only last a month or two.

Kristy, August 16, 2011 7:08 AM

Well all you have to do is find the right guy. Maybe you just haven't found him yet, but that's ok you will find the right guy soon. There is a heap of dating websites, have a look on them you might just find the right guy! Kristy xxx

(10) anon, March 11, 2010 6:14 PM

Another depressing comment

I too have largely given up, at least on dating, if not marriage itself. After, ten years of being set up with unsuitable men, if I have to choose between dating and not dating, the latter is infinitely preferable. I am actually quite content in my life. How many married people are happy anyway?

(9) Anonymous, March 2, 2010 5:45 AM

Go with your heart

I hope you will go with your heart, and not what society, your friends, or your family tell you where you should be. Frustrating all this is. Some dates can be fun, but people who are serious look much more into fun, and of course, superficialness. Part of the problem is today's world, if you ask me. Superficial. Hollywood helps with this and many feel a sense of entitlement. Rather than self-help books, I hope you can open a bible and read for comfort and guidance. Likewise, to pray - On your own, as there is nothing wrong with it and a minyan is not needed. G-d hears those who are serious is the way I see it. Who knows what is to come? Maybe some are destined to live like tihs upon G-d's will and learn more and more, never to get married, or only be married for a short time. Maybe many things. We don't know. But there are so many self-help books, but the one that I have found most healing and guding is the bible. And if you want in your prayers (if you do pray and believe), just ask G-d to bring you to someone wonderful and/or her to you. Many of us have given up and are not open, due to pain, as many know too well and has been discussed here. Hope it works out for you.

(8) Jeff, March 1, 2010 10:04 PM

I feel his pain.

I'm 41 and never married. I've had relationships that didn't work out but it wasn't for lack of commitment or effort. Once you hit 40, the dreams of a princess and happy ever after turn into, "Anyone who's attracted to me will do". It sucks.

(7) Kelli, February 10, 2010 2:51 PM

Mike sounds good to me

I'm a woman with the same problem as Mike. And you can recommend all the self-help books, seminars and clubs you want. I've tried them and it all failed. I'm 33, never married, never even asked, and I'm done. All dating has ever gotten me is pain, and I'd be one sick fool if I continued to try.

(6) gr8tfellow, April 15, 2009 1:27 PM

Be happy

I don't date or try to go out and now I'm sooo much happier and more at peace, and richer. lol. Anyway, mating and dating isn't such a huge issue. Your value as a person does not diminish if you don't.

(5) Xlp Thlplylp, December 1, 2008 9:46 PM

Indeed, give up. I have.

After so many tedious and tiresome rejections, I have decided to give up and concentrate on my work. The risk/reward ratio is infinite (in this case, infinite due to infinite risk and zero reward). It no longer occurs to me to ask anyone out. I don't even want to go out: I have too much work to do, too much reading to do, too much writing to do. Going out is expensive. When I've been with more attractive women, I'd suddenly find myself resenting their demands: I had to get them water they could have gotten for themselves, or ask the head waiter to reserve a table. Perhaps the resentment comes from having to support my mother and two brothers at a young age after my father died prematurely: I already had a family. I think of those years and the financial setbacks: buying my mother a car, paying off her parking tickets--to name only two. Here's another example of tediousness of it all: one woman asked me to dinner. She then said I could see her until I found someone else. Why would I want to do that? Why not find someone else to begin with? I made the excuse that due to the credit crunch, I was unable to comply. I cannot comment on the religious aspects of your situation: for me, religion has only played a divisive role in any of my relationships. I have nothing constructive to say about it. Not one word. Maybe at 41 I wasn't ready to give up, but I was at 46 or 47. Now I'm 49. And if I could have counseled my younger selves, I would have given up sooner.

(4) renee burke, February 26, 2002 12:00 AM

You're ready to give up with dating, and here I am ready to give up in a two month marriage.

I'm having trouble with my newly married soul mate. In the past two months that we've been married he's completely changed. I've heard that everyone changes after getting married, but I honestly can say I haven't. I love my husband so much and he's my number one concern and priority in my life. Yet, he refuses to admit that I'm not his. He chooses his friends, himself, and that dang playstation 2 over his own wife. He admitted to it yet says we're fine and that we wouldn't have any problems if I didn't complain about it. I'm beginning to realize he has no concern for "us" and that all he's worried about is him getting what he wants in life... I'm not a concern. So as hard as I try it's pretty much impossible to make a him and me into an us. I understand where people are coming from when they say they want to give up, because here I am ready to give up on something that I just started. I need help if I'm going to pull us back together.

(3) Anonymous, May 13, 2001 12:00 AM

he may be doing something wrong

It sounds like he is searching among women that are somehow outside his league and incongruent to his lifestyle, i.e. education, finance, appearance, etc. In that case he needs to change himself or change his tastes. Or he may be exhibiting a repelling behavior he is obviously not aware of, like an embarrasing habit, or not being chivalrous enough, or being insulting in some way.

(2) , January 17, 2001 12:00 AM

He needs to look at what he does.

As I have said before, great column. I have dated many men like this. The problem is that he is not spontaneous. Everything is controlled and planned so women don't want to spend more time with him. It is not his interests that matter. He has to show interest in the woman's interests, which might be more emotional than his--friends, family, social events. He might be too cordial (I confess I am sometimes on blind dates.) because he doesn't want to offend his dates. This makes him seem nice but not exciting.

(1) E R, January 3, 2001 12:00 AM

dating...

Hi Rossie and Sherry, I too like Mike have given up on dating. Although my situation is much more complicated than his. You see I'm of African decent, and I'm also a convert who had an orthodox conversion almost 3 years ago. I recently arrived at what I consider the ripe age of 33. In someways I consider myself very lucky for I'v been blessed with very good friends, and in spite of the absence of blood relatives I'm surrounded by people who love me and want what's best for me. I'm slender, I'm 5'6 and (why not) I think I'm attarctive and intelligent. So why I'm giving up? I'm Exhausted! and have spent a considerable amount of energy pondering as to why I'm still single. I'm aware that this is partially because of my decision to convert, and partially because I'm black. I have dealt with schadchanim, some have tried in good faith to help. My question to you is: What do men really want? Do some men who are dating really want to get married? Again I know that I'm not the poster picture of what an ideal jewish woman looks like, but I have plenty to offer. When dating failed in the most religious circles, I tried in others like the conservative or the non afiliated. But only hear again and again: "you are a wonderfull person" or "It's been a blessing knowing you but..." or " I like you a lot, but I can't take you home". The confidence and enthusiasm I had is no more, my happy cheerfull personality is on life support right now. Every day I cry for myself, because I'm as ready as I'll ever be (and have been for a while). I seem to be attracting those who are not for me, men who are afraid, who are curious or men who just want to have fun. I know you dont have all the answres but please provide me with a candid and unbiassed view on what I have shared with you. Shalom, ER.

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About the Author

Rosie Einhorn, L.C.S.W. and Sherry Zimmerman, J.D., M.Sc.

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Questions for Rosie & Sherry can be sent to datingmaze@aish.com. Due to the large volume of questions received, they are unable to answer each one.

Rosie Einhorn (a psychotherapist) and Sherry Zimmerman (a psychotherapist and former family lawyer) are the authors of the newly-released book, Dating Smart – Navigating the Path to Marriage, published by Menucha Publishers. They are the founders of Sasson V'Simcha (www.jewishdatingandmarriage.com), a non- profit organization that provides programs and services in North America, Israel, and Europe to help Jewish singles and the people who care about them.