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Dating Advice #66 - When Will I See You Again?
Dating Advice 66

Dating Advice #66 - When Will I See You Again?

Two readers, same problem: They can't get someone to commit to the next date!

by

Dear Rosie & Sherry,

I have been dating a man for three months. He is great, except for one thing. Whenever we hang up or go our separate ways, he does not ever mention when we will see each other or talk again. I asked him twice what is the problem with saying, "I'll call you tomorrow," or "See you on Friday," but he doesn't get it.

For some reason, the more involved I am, the more this bothers me. Not being able to pleasantly contemplate anything in the immediate future is depressing. What shall I do?

Marla

Dear Marla,

It is pretty clear that your friend is not dating for marriage. If you are looking for commitment, or even for a sign that he thinks things will work out over time, he's not giving it to you. And don't expect him to change his outlook. It may take a long time (or a different person in his life) before he is ready for something more enduring than he now seems willing to go for.

We're sorry we can't give you a more encouraging response. But it's important to be clear about the reality.

Rosie & Sherry

========================================= =========================================

Dear Rosie & Sherry,

I am 24 and have done serious dating, but have never been very good at it. I am a funny, single, attractive. I would think most women would just love to meet a guy like that. But I am somewhat shy. I realize this is something I need to get over, and have been much better about it recently thanks to a book called "Wherever You Go, There You Are."

I recently was on a blind date after talking to her several times on the phone. She said she was shy also, but we talked well over the phone. She said she thought I was attractive and I think she is too. She said she wants to go out again next week, but she never calls when she says she will and has a very busy life. Or so she says. How do I know I'm not being led on? How can I tell if she is not interested and just humoring me, hoping I will go away?

One time I said on the phone, "You know, if you don't want to go out that night you don't have to," and she quickly reverted to the "I'm sorry, I just like to keep busy, but I still want to go out... I hate sitting at home."

What should I think of this? I am typically pessimistic, but she seems somewhat sincere. I find her very attractive and most of the qualities I am looking for. Help!

Brian

Dear Brian,

They way we see it, there are a few possibilities here. One is that the woman you are interested in doesn't know how to say, "No," and is hoping you will lose interest after she turns you down a few times. Another (and more likely) possibility is that she hasn't made dating a priority in her life. She is so busy that she can't squeeze in everything she wants to do, including dating. The problem with someone like this is that until she's ready to make dating a priority, she's not going to be marriage material. We don't know too many men who will keep trying after being turned down time after time.

There is also the possibility that you call to ask her out too late in the week, so that she already has plans for that night. If you do ask her out again, ask a week or more in advance, and if she says she's busy, suggest an alternate day. If the two of you can't come to an agreement about when you'll get together again, take that as a sign it's time for you to move on to someone else. There are plenty of great women who would be happy to make the time for a date with you.

Your efforts to overcome your shyness are very admirable and we're sure they will continue to pay off. We wish you much success.

Rosie & Sherry

Published: December 28, 2002


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Visitor Comments: 5

(5) Carrie W, March 16, 2002 12:00 AM

I think the letters from these to people are really important. I think they both need to find the right people. As for Marla she needs to find someone who will care for her and wil treat right cause she deserves it! As for Brian well he basically needs to change. He needs to grow up and realize how to treat a girl right..

(4) , June 15, 2001 12:00 AM

your letters to marla and brian

Hi,

I think your letters from Marla and
Brian speak to an important issue in
the dating world. Marla is putting up
with her boyfriend's behavior because
she is hopeful that things will change.
Brian is putting up with his elusive
friend because he hopes she will eventually come around and start getting
serious about dating him.

Meanwhile, Marla's boyfriend and Brian's
friend are both sending out signals that
indicate a major lack of interest, even though they are at different stages in their relationships.

I think Marla needs to find a guy who
will be excited about seeing her,
and Brian needs to meet a woman who
shows some real interest in him.

In the singles world, finding someone
you like is only half the battle. The
other half is seeing if they are as
interested in you as you are in them.

(3) Stephen Cotter, June 11, 2001 12:00 AM

Quality

Your quality of writing in this genarally cras world is a breath of fresh air.
Thanks,
Dr. Stephen Cotter
SC/mf

(2) , June 10, 2001 12:00 AM

THE RULES

This is for the 24 year old guy. Your young lady sounds like a Rules girl. Good for her!!! She doesn't have to call you and tell you when she can go out. You call her. As THE RULES says, at least Wednesday before the the weekend if it's a weekend date. If it's a weeknight date ask on the weekend. If she's vague then you can ask her straight if she really wants to go out or give up. That is a reasonable time frame for someone to be able to commit to a time if they are interested. I suppose this also goes for the young lady from the first letter. Why is she spending every night on the phone with this young man and going along with last minute dates. Unfortunately people treat you the way you expect to be treated. IF you act like a pushover they will treat you like one. If you set standards the creep like the one in the first letter will find some other pushover because the girl won't be available for games. The nice guys will respect and admire the busy girls and will keep trying as long as the girl will commit in a reasonable time frame. Read THE RULES. They do work, I can tell you so.

(1) Anonymous, June 10, 2001 12:00 AM

Maria-Let It Go

Either your boyfriend is not ready for a relationship at all or he's not really interested in a relationship with you. He may just be using you to fill time until he finds someone else or it may be that he already has someone else but is keeping you "on the hook" till he sees where that relationship goes. Move on.

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