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Dating Advice #76 - Why Doesn't He Call?
Dating Advice 76

Dating Advice #76 - Why Doesn't He Call?

After one date, the guys never call back. Is it her weight -- or some deeper message she's putting out?

by

Dear Rosie & Sherry,

I am a 34-year-old successful single woman. I am overweight and I understand that most guys are not interested in dating an overweight woman in spite of all the positive things she has to offer.

What I don't understand is this: Sometimes I go out with guys who have been told beforehand that I am overweight. After the date they tell me that they had a good time, and then I never hear from them again. Obviously the weight thing bothered them. Why did they ask me out to begin with? Were they just looking for the chance to reject someone?

Also I don't understand why guys say they will call you and then they never do. It would be better if they said it was "nice meeting you and bye," instead of saying they will call when they really don't mean it.

I'm really puzzled.

Thanks for any advice you can give me on this.

Also, I'd like to take this opportunity to congratulate you on the service you're providing. I've been reading your dating advice and it's been very helpful.

Esther

Dear Esther,

Thank you for writing. We know how frustrated you must feel to hear the same, "I'll call you" line and suspect that your date will not do what he says. Men don't realize that women get their hopes up when they say those words. Or, if they do realize it, they're at a loss with how to be polite when they don't want to go out with that person again. Believe it or not, men have also written to us wondering what they should say at the end of such a date (see Dating Advice #74). We agree with your suggestion as to what they should say.

Still, it would be helpful for you to know why you don't usually get asked out a second time. We don't think that your dates are rejecting you because of your weight. Some men don't mind a few extra pounds, and we're willing to bet that most of the men who dated you fall into this category. We also don't think that your dates have chosen to go out with you so they'll have the opportunity to reject someone. The dating maze is just as uncomfortable for men as for women, and most men don't want to waste their time going out with someone unless they believe she may be suitable.

There are a few reasons why you may not get calls back from men. Many men are conditioned to expect an instant click, and when they don't feel it, they move on. This isn't a good way to date, but it's a mistake people repeatedly make, and that's part of the reality of Western society. So if you find that the majority of the time you are not asked out on a second date, it's time to consider the possibility that there is something in your own behavior that turns dates off.

We sense an undercurrent of hurt in your letter. You'd be surprised how apparent this feeling is to others, even when someone thinks she is masking it, and you may not realize how uncomfortable this undercurrent makes other people feel. Even if you are not unconsciously expressing your hurt, you may be doing something else to sabotage yourself without realizing it.

After having gone on a number of unsuccessful dates, many people will experience negative feelings and start to question themselves. But there is a way to break this pattern. The first step is for you to identify what emotions and behaviors you may be projecting when you are on a date. It helps to write down your thoughts and then review them with a very close friend, who may be able to give you some insight into how you might be projecting your feelings when you date.

The next thing is accept that the feelings you have are perfectly normal, and that you are entitled to feel this way. At the same time, you should feel positively about yourself, since it is very important for everyone to balance their negative and positive emotions. We wonder if you are doing enough for yourself, by expressing your creativity and interests through classes, clubs, community work and other emotionally and intellectually stimulating activities.

We also suggest that when you date in the future, you enlist the help of a trusted married friend to be your dating mentor. We have found that the emotional support, advice and perspective of a good friend, especially one who is already married, is an invaluable aid to almost any over-30 single woman or man.

There is one other thing that you might consider, and it is very difficult for us to write because we know that it is a complicated issue for everyone who struggles with their weight. While many people don't mind dating someone who is somewhat heavier than the norm, and some people are attracted to fuller figures, someone who is substantially overweight will have a great deal of trouble in the dating arena. We can't tell anyone to lose weight -- this is a very personal matter. However, when someone is told that their date is overweight, they will expect someone who is 20, 30 or even 50 pounds overweight. If their date is much heavier, they should be told this beforehand so that they can decide if they still want to go out with that person. Otherwise, even though the well-intentioned people who set this couple up may hope that they'll hit it off and overcome any weight issues, this usually doesn't happen and somebody ends up getting hurt.

We hope this has been helpful, and wish you the best of success,

Rosie & Sherry

Published: January 19, 2003


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Visitor Comments: 5

(5) sabina, December 28, 2010 2:19 PM

no second date

She needs tio make an effort to lose weight. Also she may talk nonstop. She has to learn to show interest in her date. She may have bad breath. She may chew with her mouth open. There has to be a valid reason why no one calls back. She has to learn to make her good qualities shine. I think she needs professional help to feel at ease with a date.

(4) Anonymous, September 18, 2007 3:21 PM

I WANTED TO TAKE THE TIME TO THANK YOU FOR THE SERVICE YOU PROVIDE. IT'S IMPORTANT FOR WOMEN TO BE ABLE TO HAVE SOMEONE TO TURN TO. NOT EVERY WOMEN WANTS TO TELL A FREIND, SOMETIMES IT'S BETTER KEPT PRIVATE. THANKS AGAIN.

(3) Anonymous, August 26, 2001 12:00 AM

What's his deal???

I'm a teenager who doesn't understand hardly any guys! I'm soo confused about dating and relationships. There is one thing in paticular that baffles me. There's this guy who is 3 1/2 years older than me and he's really smart and sweet. He's just a great guy but what I don't understand is he showed a lot of interest in me for a year [we were coworkers] and then before he quited his job he asked for my number. He went away to college but is still in state. He hasn't called! Why is he toying with me like that? Could he be possibly changning his mind about the whole thing?

(2) Shari Hodges, August 23, 2001 12:00 AM

Weight does matter

I was very overweight and I took a couple of years and lost it. The difference is almost amazing - I am asked out all the time and get marriage proposals - people are shallow and don't see the person. Now when I look at a guy - I am able to see the real person too - and most of them out there tend to be very very shallow - and I'm very glad I didn't end up with one of them. Recently I raised my own expectations on men and got amazing results. I'm real picky now about what I expect and how I expect to be treated - and it is the guy now who doesn't get the second date unless he treats me with respect - and I am getting the respect from a better quality person. If you look in the trash can, you are going to find trash.

(1) Anonymous, August 23, 2001 12:00 AM

Weight may not be the issue

I actually prefer dating women who are 20 or 30 pounds overweight, as they usually have more reasonable attitudes. If a woman is much more overweight than that, then there is a good chance that the extra weight is affecting her lifestyle, and perhaps her health as well. As far as a man saying that he will call and then not calling, my first comment is that if women only gave their phone numbers to men who they would not reject when invited on a date, men would not be afraid to call them. I might say to a woman that I will call her, but if I get a neutral reaction to that, there is a good chance that I will interpret that as a lack of interest on her part, and not call her. If she is enthusiastic when I say that I will call her, then I will probably call her. Men need positive feedback, otherwise they will probably lose interest. If a woman
is really interested in a man, she should volunteer her phone number before he asks for it. That is one sign of true interest. Another sign would be if she asks him for his phone number, then calls him and invites him out. Let's face it, many men have a very open minded attitude about who they would at least have a first date with, so if a woman shows interest in an unambiguous manner, many men will be interested in going on a date with her.

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