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Dating Advice #140 - Rookie Lessons
Dating Advice 140

Dating Advice #140 - Rookie Lessons

Seven possible reasons why she said "no" to a second date.


Dear Rosie & Sherry,

I went out with on a first date and we had a great time. She was laughing and smiling, and so was I. We never had a silent moment, we got to know a few things about each other, we spoke about different topics and it was great.

Three days later I called her back and told her that I would like to see her again. She said she had a great time but that she needed some time first, and that she was not ready to see me again. What does this mean? I'm pretty confused about the whole thing. Please give me some advice about what to do next. Thank you.


Dear Jeff,

It sounds to us that you are relatively new to the world of dating. Otherwise, you would have been able to pick up on your date's clear message that she was not interested in going out with you a second time. We understand that her turn-down seems very confusing after the two of you seemed to have had such a positive first date. Unfortunately, this happens sometimes, for any of a dozen reasons. Here are some possibilities that might apply to your situation:

1) Even though you had a positive date, she decided that you aren't what she is looking for and decided to move on. She could have based her decision on a legitimate reason -- she may have realized, for example, that the two of you have a different set of goals and/or values.

2) Your date could have been looking for "fireworks" or some other elusive quality that exists more often in movies and novels than it does in real life. People who begin a courtship expecting "magic" are apt to be disappointed and are likely to give up on even the most promising dating partners and continue searching for their dream. They don't realize that "love at first sight" is an infatuation based entirely on physical attraction and has nothing to do with the character of the other person, and that most courtships based on "love at first sight" end after a matter of months -- when the chemistry fades and the dating partners realize they have little in common or had overlooked negative aspects of their date's personality.

3) You may have had a better time on the date than she did, and she decided that since the date didn't rate an 8 or 9 out of 10, she doesn't want to go out a second time. This is very common, and, unfortunately, a mistake. A large percentage of the happily married couples we know rated their first dates as "okay" rather than "great." They wisely decided to go out a second time, learned more about each other, and gradually built a relationship.

4) She could have decided there wasn't enough physical attraction. This is also a premature reaction to a date, since many people don't experience strong physical attraction the first time they meet the person they will someday marry. Over the course of their first few dates, however, they find themselves becoming more and more attracted as they get to know the other person better.

5) Your date really doesn't know what qualities she's looking for, and even though you had a good time together she's too unsure to realize it would be worth getting to know you better. People who think this way keep hoping there's someone a little better around the corner. The problem is that usually there isn't.

6) She's looking for perfection and you're not perfect. (Relax -- nobody is.) Why is it, then, that so many of us refuse to allow our dating partners to make a mistake? (We're not talking about actions that reflect negatively on a person's character, such as insulting a waiter or exploding after being cut off in traffic.) Can't we overlook the fact that perfectly nice, personable people sometimes put their foot in their mouth, commit a fashion no-no, fail to plan for the weather, or order the wrong thing?

7) Of course, there is a possibility that something you said or did turned her off to the idea of a second date. You might have found it so easy to talk to her that you opened up about a private topic that made her feel uncomfortable. This sometimes happens early in a courtship, even though the topic wouldn't generate the same discomfort if it were brought up further down the line, when the two of you had developed an emotional connection.

If, on thinking back, you realize that you may have been too open, you may want to avoid making the same mistake the next time you hit it off with someone from the beginning. Save conversation about topics that are deeply personal or overly revealing for much later in the courtship.

As you can see from our short list of possibilities, in all likelihood, by turning you down your date passed up on a great opportunity to get to know you better and see if something could take root between you. We hope that you soon meet someone for whom this isn't a problem.

Rosie & Sherry

November 29, 2003

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Visitor Comments: 7

(7) Anonymous, March 6, 2005 12:00 AM

first dates

The reason I said no to a second date, the guy was so full of himself and talked of all the money he has made and what all businesses that he had, yet he dress like he did'nt have money. And talked of a future we may have,he had been divorced for 15 years, with two broken engagements in that time. I couldn't wait for the date to end. He ask me if I would go again with him or should he wait for my call, I lucked out, I told him to wait for my call. I never will.

(6) Moshe Haven, December 9, 2003 12:00 AM

It could well have been that she was not internally having a good time but was

trying to be nice by being pleasant and a good conversationalist for the duration of the date. When someone is truly diplomatic and gracious it can be very difficult to discern that from genuine positive personal feelings.
I've learned this one the hard way. And I've hurt some dates feelings in my efforts to be pleasant even when I knew from the first instant that there
was no reasonable likelihood that I would ever want to see them again.
It's a difficult balance how to act towards someone you really don't want to see again but have already obligated to spend an evening with.

(5) Anonymous, December 8, 2003 12:00 AM


Maybe she just needs time to think. Why does it have to be that she really doesn't want to go out again? Maybe she does like him but she had a lot to do that day/week so she asked him to call him back later. Maybe I'm wrong....but why should your answer be completely that she does not want to go out with him?

(4) carolyn, December 8, 2003 12:00 AM

fear of a new life

i am a single mom, divorced 7 years now.It is not like I cant get dates. I get too many and cannot decide what I want out of life. Similar to one of the examples above. I think there is always something better for me.because each man presents his own set of problems. i have a pattern now I see well. I date geniouses withgreat looks too. You would think there is nothing wrong there. But unfortunatley this is not the case. One . turns out to be manic depressive and does nto take his meds and threatens suicidewhen i tell him i am splitting up. the otheris thankfully a little less of a geniousand only tried suicide in his twenties. he is in his mid thrirties and now working to build organs and keyboards. he used to play them on tour with the top rock and roll bands. he is also jewish and handsome like the first. the lasst is a actor /stuntman/composer and just wrote two songs that dreamworks bought. he alsothreatened suicide as I was tired of him changing our plans every second and never taking me out afte a while. he is a hermit , just like the other two. i am perplexed(this is after three long years of dating and trying)I decide I love all three of these men more than many men I meet as they are brighter . better looking, and I know they loved me too. bUt I cannot subject my son to a manwhoshanges plans on us, or tried suicide. etc...

no one is perfect but I am just more confused nowthat when I first divorced as I am still alone and hurt even more now


(3) Yisroel, November 27, 2003 12:00 AM


If course, all your articles are good, but this one borders on "classic." It points out many problems with the way singles evaluate prospective mates. It sheds much light on why many Jewish leaders and Rabbis consider shidduchim one of the foremost problems facing the Torah observant community today.

I would like to see the authors write a handbook or comprehensive guide instructing both professional shadchanim and most of us ameteurs in a the art ans science of shaddchanus (matchmaking). I believe it is sorely needed. I hope the authors could get back to me on this idea.

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