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Dating Advice #146 - Online Profile Puzzle
Dating Advice 146

Dating Advice #146 - Online Profile Puzzle

They've been dating steadily, but the website still lists them as 'available.'

by

Dear Rosie & Sherry,

Jewish dating sites are now very popular, and even the norm. Meeting this way has raised some questions for me that do not come up otherwise. So I'm wondering:

After how many dates should I remove my profile? When should I expect the other person to do the same? What if we have not discussed the future, but things are getting serious, and you find out the other person is still active on the site?

Thank you so very much for answering this. I really need to know as soon as possible. This seems to be such a gray area.

Elana

Dear Elana,

This is a loaded question. The answer depends on how seriously two people are dating and whether they have decided to be "exclusive." At any rate, they have to talk about the direction their courtship is going before either one can expect the other to remove a dating website profile.

In general, we always recommend that people concentrate fully on developing one courtship rather than thinking that a better person might be around the corner. First of all, it usually takes most people a number of dates to begin to develop an emotional connection. The idea of a line of other potential dating partners waiting on the horizon distracts from the energy each person should be putting into the developing courtship. And once things move past this point, the idea that there might be someone better can actually sabotage the couple. Certainly, when it gets to the point that the man and woman decide they may be moving in the direction of marriage, keeping an eye out for other prospects shows emotional dishonesty.

We've observed that if a couple is able to develop all the ingredients of a healthy and enduring relationship -- compatible values and goals, physical attraction, mutual admiration, acceptance, affection, emotional intimacy and respect -- then another relationship is generally not going to be "better," just different.

We recommend that when two people have been dating for a while -- anywhere from five to eight weeks -- they should discuss where each of them sees the courtship going. Would they both like to go the distance and see if they are really right for each other? If so, then the profiles should come down.

When you have this discussion, you might discover that while you think you're becoming serious, he hasn't reached that point and needs more time to reach the same level of emotional connectivity. Or, he may never reach that point because he really is interested in playing the field, and/or has no foreseeable goal of marriage. In that case, if you are interested in finding a spouse, both of your profiles can stay in place and you can move on without him.

We wish you all the best,

Rosie & Sherry

Published: January 10, 2004

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Visitor Comments: 4

(4) Anonymous, January 15, 2005 12:00 AM

take it off

I generally agree with the advise Rosie & Sherry gave. However, there are Jewish websites out there that are free (as well ast those that Simona below mentioned that allows you to put your profile on hole). After you start contacting someone by email from the ad you responded to, or the other person responded to you, there's generally a period of time that you talk soley by email. During this time, you get a general feel for this stranger. You get to know enough about this person to see if you want to move on to the next stage. The next stage is talking on the telephone. This stage usually moves fast; 2 or 3 times, and then you start dating if things are still going well. Once you start dating, take your profile off that website, or put it on hold if the site you belong to has that feature. You could always go back and put it on later if you stop dating this person. You don't have to wait 6-8 weeks for that.
Why do you want to keep it on while you are dating one person anyway? You get married to one person, you should date one person. You get divorced from that person, you could find someone else after. The same thing with dating. You see only one person. If it doesn't work out, you break up and afterwards start seeing someone else.
That's my opinion from experience and what I've seen around. Take it for what it's worth.

(3) simona, January 12, 2004 12:00 AM

on hold

i believe a lot of sites let you put your profile on hold or suspend it temporarily. so if this courtship doesn't last you're only a few keystrokes from putting yourself back on the online market.

(2) Lynn Abramovici, January 12, 2004 12:00 AM

Dating Sites Should Check Their Customers Details More Carefully

I met my husband through a Jewish Dating site, but his spiteful ex-girlfriend keeps creating new profiles for him. I get very upset when I see emails to him saying "a New Message from JCUPID or Jewish Cafe". I think dating sites should check their customers details more carefully.

(1) Shira, January 12, 2004 12:00 AM

Online dating dishonesty

My ex-boyfriend/fiancee had...and still has profiles on every Jewish/nonJewish personal site out there. All this while we were supposed to be in a serious commited relationship. He states in his profile that he is seriously looking for marriage, however he just continues to play games with the women he meets online. It is all a game to him. The man is 49 years old, and has never been married, and most probably never will be. I feel kind of sorry for all the women along with myself that got sucked in. In these situations with meeting people online, you cannot be careful enough. I agree with Rosie and Sherry's advise....after 6 to 8 weeks, you should have a talk and the profiles should be taken down....otherwise the person you are dating is probably just a player.

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