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Dating Advice #167: Competing Interests
Dating Advice 167

Dating Advice #167: Competing Interests

They agreed not to be involved with members of the opposite gender. But he's not living up to his end of the bargain.

by

Dear Rosie & Sherry,

I have been dating a very nice guy for the past three months. Early on we agreed to be exclusive. I believed this meant it was not okay to go out alone with members of the opposite gender. Apparently he believed this meant not to be involved romantically with anyone else. However, I recently found out he has been taking out long time "platonic" girlfriends to dinner, racquetball, etc. I am hurt and confused because I have honored my commitment not to spend time with other men.

He is not sure yet what he wants from the relationship and says he would like to get to know me better. He has also agreed to discuss where he wants the relationship to go in another three months. In other regards he treats me very well.

I am also concerned because he is in the entertainment industry and regularly keeps up with many friends, male and female. I am worried that I will never be the priority in his life and will have to accept being one of his many competing interests. Incidentally, this is why his last courtship ended.

Should I even give him another chance, or should I look elsewhere for someone who will value me like I want to be valued? Or do I simply need to give him more time?

Sharon


Dear Sharon,

It seems to us that there's more that distinguishes you and this man than an interpretation of the word "exclusive." The two of you appear to have very different goals for your courtship.

It seems to us that you are looking to get to know someone better to see if it will lead to marriage. If he shared this goal, we could understand him wanting to date for a longer period of time in order to get a better sense of whether the two of you are really moving in that direction.

However, perhaps he isn't really sure if he is ready to settle down. He seems to think that the "right" woman will inspire him to do so. From what we have seen with countless people, this almost never happens. The desire to find a partner in life has to come from within, not without. He has to first decide that he'd like to build a life with someone, and then look for the "right" woman, not the other way around.

We suspect that if you give this man another three months to figure out what he wants, you'll end up getting hurt because he won't be any closer to knowing what he wants at the end of that time. We'd rather you express to him that while it is too soon in your courtship for either of you to know if you are right for each other, it is a good idea for him to take some time now to decide if he is ready to find a partner with whom he can build a life and a family.

If he tells you that he has reached that point in his life, and each of you feel that the other one has the potential to be the "right' person, we suggest you talk about some specifics of how you will continue to date while you see how things develop. In other words, talk about how you can strike a balance between the time and energy you devote to each other and your individual interests and friendships. From our perspective, there's a big problem if someone has such a busy social life that one's date feels as if she is only one of many "competing interests."

Further, if he really is dating because he wants to find the right person to marry, he has to be prepared to devote a lot of emotional energy to developing your relationship. So we recommend that you add "purpose" to most of your dates. At the same time that you enjoy each other's company, you can use the date as an opportunity to learn a little bit more about how the other person thinks, and reacts to certain situations. You can explore what each of you wants out of life and expectations about marriage, career, pursing a dream, and having and raising children. You can do this by bringing up certain topics of discussion, seeing each other in different settings and with different people, and engaging in some interactive activities. This is the way two people who think that they might be right for each other can learn more about what really makes each other "tick."

If the man you are dating is not prepared to think about his goals, or if he concludes that he's not ready to see if things could lead to marriage, then we recommend you move on and look for someone who is dating with marriage in mind.

We hope this has been helpful, and wish you the best of success,

Rosie & Sherry

Published: November 13, 2004


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Visitor Comments: 5

(5) Richelle, September 19, 2010 9:04 PM

Dear Sharon, I had a very similar relationship with a guy like that in the past. It was a nightmare for me. If you are looking for a commited person, who shares your goals and values in life I advice you to stay away from him. He is not going to offer what you want, and HES NOT GOING TO CHANGE. Is going to be hard at the beginning, but with time you will see is not worth to live like that.

(4) dd, February 10, 2005 12:00 AM

competing

It sounds like you are worried about a lot of things,and not sure if he will remain faithful to you or not. You stayed your ground, but he told you that he does not know and "wants" to get to know you better. That wants means he is not where you are. You are not at same level. He still likes outgoings, while you like committment.
right there tell you all. It sounds like you are ready to settle down, but he is not sure. How long are you willing to wait or give him of yourself?
IF you really like him and want to see hwo far in three months it goes,ok, but keep in mind that you are problably the one who will hurt the most if he does not live up to his part.

(3) Anonymous, December 15, 2004 12:00 AM

I believe that the asker asked something that would make me wonder if she is ready to find that right person. While this guy may not be the "one" it is difficult to expect any man or woman to suddenly suspend relationships with members of the opposite gender that do not entail romantic or sexual involvement. Especially for people who must entertain and meet with people of the opposite sex for business purposes. With the exclusion of ultra-Orthodox or Lubavitcher Jews most observant Jews do not have religious or chalachic barriers to friendships and business relationships with members of the opposite sex.

If this person is not being completely plutonic with these other people, if they are misleading your or lying to you about their social calendar or if they are unwilling to allow you to join in on or meet with their friends of the same or opposite gender then certainly you've got a problem.

The mere fact that they don't immediately dump their friends at your behest is probably a positive personality trait!

I would venture to say that before one goes out into the world to find that special someone they must look at what their requirements are and question if those requirements are realistic. And if the point of dating for you is to find someone to marry then make it clear to the person you are dating. Perhaps not on the first date, but after a few you are allowed to ask them what their intentions towards you are.
I think the underlying problem in Sharon's relationship is her unrealistic view of what a relationship entails and what exclusivity means.
also, once in a relationship that has no specific goal she has the right to ask him specifically what his inteitons are and what he is looking for as an end result to the relationship. if he can't give her a straight and logical answer she will do herself a favor by showing him the door and going back out into the dating world to find someone new!

(2) Ron, November 15, 2004 12:00 AM

Say versus Do

You suggest having a purpose for dates to get to know the other person better. I knew my ex-wife's thoughts on many issues, but her behaviors were frequently in conflict with what she expressed she would do, or wanted to do, or believed was the right thing to do.

How do you get to know the real person?

(1) Anonymous, November 14, 2004 12:00 AM

Great advice!

I think that what you wrote was great! I only wish that more men would read it...and believe it! From my experience too many men belive that when they meet the "right" woman it will inspire them to settle down. This way of thinking puts an enormous amount of pressure on the woman...and off the man (great way for a commitment phobic man to not take responsibility). There are too many men who have that mindset...they learn it from movies, books, TV, etc. And even women beginto think it. I will forward your response to as many single men I can. I hope more people do the same!

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