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Dating Advice #193 - Round and Round
Dating Advice 193

Dating Advice #193 - Round and Round

After seven years of constant break-ups, she's wondering whether to give it another chance.

by

Dear Rosie & Sherry,

I met a man seven years ago. He was just coming out of a divorce and I fell for him quickly. We went through a few years of a dating rollercoaster.

Now, seven years later and through many changes, the road is leading us back together once again. I am serious about putting all my effort into making this work. Yet still over the last year now we have been off-and-on so many times that I've lost count. The break-ups are accompanied by his statements like, "I love you, but am not in love with you," "I am not ready for a commitment," and "I can never see myself being married again."

So I decided to move on and start dating someone else. Now two weeks later, he says he loves me and wants to make this work.

I am crying myself to sleep because I don't know what to do. I love him, but I no longer trust him. I wonder how long it will be before the next breakup. Perhaps he just feels threatened by me dating and is jealous. He even said, "I know if I don't get it together, one day you are not going to be there."

Now I have met someone whose company I really enjoy. He makes me feel special and gives me proper attention. I am afraid the "rollercoaster guy" is only asking me back out of jealousy. What should I do? I am so confused and feel I have limited time to decide.

Paula

Dear Paula,

When it comes to dating, a person's instincts are not always accurate. But this is one situation where you have to trust your instincts. You've seen this man repeat the same pattern time and time again, and there is no evidence that he has made any change in his way of thinking, that would give you a reason to hope that the two of you might have a future. In fact, something he recently said shows that he's still got the same issue with commitment: "I know if I don't get it together, one day you are not going to be there." "One day" means never.

Now, it would be a different story if he had said to you, "I've been a fool for so long and I've finally realized that we are right for each other and should be together. I'm ready to make a commitment." He's not ready, and he may never be, especially since he isn't even motivated to address the issues that are holding him back. We promise that if you go back to him, you're in for continual repeat performances. (If the first few dozen times didn't convince you already.)

If it will make you feel any better, we don't think that he's trying to get you back because he's jealous. He really does care for you. However, he can't make a commitment, and that means that he's totally wrong for you, and will keep breaking your heart again and again if you let him. (By the way, the "I love you but I am not in love with you" line is really tired and usually comes from people who have overly-romaniticized and unrealistic expectations of what love and marriage are all about.)

He didn't treat you as well as he should, and that is also unlikely to change.

There are other things we sense about this man. First of all, he didn't treat you as well as he should, and that is also unlikely to change. Next, your relationship was way too volatile to have staying power. Even if he were to decide that he wants to be married again, and to marry you, there are probably a lot of issues between you that have the potential of derailing the relationship. You have been dealing with each other on a dating level all these years, but building a life together may be a different story.

Now let's talk about this other man that you're currently dating. It sounds like he has the potential to be a real partner in life. However, in order to devote the emotional energy into developing this further, you have to be willing to let go of your past.

The relationship you develop with the man you will marry -- whether it will be this new beau or someone else -- will have different qualities than the one you ended. The passion may be different, but there will many other aspects that will be enriching and fulfilling. Don't compare one to the other -- look at it for its own sake.

We suggest that you do some writing: List all the positive aspects of your former relationship, and then all of the negatives. Acknowledge the reasons why the two of you do not have a future, and admit that it is over. You can be grateful for the positive aspects of having dated this man, at the same time that you mourn the close of that chapter in your life.

It is only when you are ready to let go that you can move forward.

We hope this has been helpful, and wish you the best of success,

Rosie & Sherry

Published: November 12, 2005


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Visitor Comments: 7

(7) A Gentile Friend, December 11, 2005 12:00 AM

ANOTHER LATE REPLY TO LANCE ABOUT PRENUPS

Like A Jewish Friend, I tried to reply to Lance, but couldn't.Thanks, AJF, for giving me the idea to reply like this !!!

Like Lance, I used to think that 'prenups' were a sign of mistrust, greed and other negative things. I was unaware until recently that they can be a real protection, especially in marriages where someone has their own house or other property. If the other person goes bust, if the prenup has made sure that the house etc are to stay in the name of the first partner, then they cannot be seized to pay their spouse's debts, thus leaving them homeless and penniless. This aspect of prenups was unknown to me, and I suspect to many people. There is more to it, but that is how I understand it from what Suze Orman says.

I wish that it was possible to add comments later-or that someone else who shares the computer could put one in.

After reading what Suze Orman said, I have come to see prenups in a very different light, especially in marriages between older people where there is likely to be property-or in any marriage where there is property. Nobody expects to go bankrupt, and it would be horrible to go down with an unlucky spouse. You don't know what the future holds- a prenup could well be a type of insurance, not a sign of mistrust as Lance (and I will freely confess that until a few months ago I thought the same) believes.

(6) Gisele, November 19, 2005 12:00 AM

I was once in a similar situration as this woman!

I was in a similar situration as this woman. I am divorced single mom of a teenage son. I dated an old boyfriend from Feb. 2003- Dec. 2003/ and this man I knew 20 yrs. He married a child hood friend of mine, and I married a bud of his. His wife died in Jan. 2003/ and I was divorced in Nov. 1999. And we dated- he called after his wife's death. We fell in love Peasch 2003/ and he promised to marry me!Then all of sudden he broke up with me on the telephone on the third day of Chanukah Dec. 2003/ when his 3 kids had the flu/ and five days before my brithday- and nine days after he proposed without a ring/ he broke up with me with no real explaination- only that his kids can't accept me as stepmom- or anyone- he will be a widower all his life/ his rav tried for six months to get us back together-and behind my back he took up with another woman, I had to read in the Jewish Press in May 2004/ that he was marrying another woman on the very day in the Summer 2004/ he was suppose to marry me! The wounds of this still hurt/ because this break was sudden and done so meanily! It makes it difficult for me to get over- and with all the therapy in the world- it won't erase the pain I still feel and take away my love for him! Every time I try to date here- no guy has his good traits. And I am not unreasonable when I want a guy with his good traits! And I fear that if my former finance divorces his wife- he may bother me to take him back- and I don't trust him anymore- but I still love him so all these conflicting feelings are painful/ and I pray every day to forget him, and for Hashem to keep him married so He won't ask me to take him back the second time- I took him back the first time after his wife's death- because I felt I did not give him a chance 22 yrs ago when we dated- he loved me- I did not love him in 1983/ I like my ex husband back then- we were friends and dated later on, etc.But now I gave him my love- and he broke my heart- which I am still trying to get over- so I feel this woman's pain, any advice to both of to get over those loves- and be able to find out true Basherts- and accept them right in our lives? thanks for reading this- and I hope you write back to me. can you advise me how to get over my heartache- and to be able to find my Bashert here with a clear head and heart!
thanks for listening:
Gisele

(5) sonia, November 16, 2005 12:00 AM

Drop the man, for your own good

I had a friend who was very much in love with her boyfriend. One day, he broke up and left her devastated. He would date other girls and return to her, then break up again, then back... and would not let HER date other guys. It took her years to get courage, move to another town, and there, without his shadow on her, find a man, get married and have 2 children.
By the way, after that he DID marry a couple of times.
I think her brave moving was good for both.

My blessings.

(4) Anonymous, November 15, 2005 12:00 AM

A later reply to someone called Lance!

Aish@News from 31/10/2005
"Six Strikes"...and a cry for help from Molly.

A certain man called Lance wrote such a big nonsense that I almost fell on the ground. Aish didn't permit a second reply, thus, sorry for using this oportunity, but I could not leave this misleading message from this man without a reproach.

Lance??? Your name doesn't sound Jewish,and IF you are, please it is time to open your Torah (I hope you have one) and brush up your knowledge!

There is a huge difference between "see and look", as to "hear and listen". To look at - is a deliberate action, after man has scanned with his eyes.
Orthodox men, and many decent men I know, walk with their eyes fixed on the ground, in order to avoid disobeying HaShem commandments, and refusing to deceive and/or to dishonor their wifes.
When a man loves "beauty attraction" he should find one, get married with her, and keep his eyes on his pockets!

Your statement that - "sight-oriented" beings (you mean men of course, because I'm also a being, but NOT sight-oriented) are created that way by God, is a violation to a moral law and a desagration of G-D"s name. It is not Judaism, and certainly NOT our Torah! It is man made created norm, and for many a very convenient one!

"And HaShem said to Moses saying: speak to the Children of Israel and say to them that they are to make themselves tzitzis on the corners of their garments,troughout their generations.And they are to place upon the tzitzis of each corner a thread of techeiles. And it shall constitute tzitzis for you, that you may see it and remember all the commandments of Hashem and perform them; and not explore after your heart and after your eyes after which you stray".
Bemidbar(Numbers) 15:37-41.

This is just one of the many Torah rules about men behavior. HaShem will not lie or deceive us! Thus...He would never command such a thing if Himself had created men "sight-oriented".
Men has not a thing as "carta blanche" for immoral behavior.
This poor woman Molly needs good and sound advice, not such a baloney absurdity, contrary to divine established moral Torah principles.

A Jewish friend!

(3) Anonymous, November 14, 2005 12:00 AM

commitment phobes

Please read the book Men Who Can't Love. It exactly describes this behavior. Sometimes you invest so much time in a relationship, you lose perspective. The sooner you move on, the happier you'll be.

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