Dating Maze #217 - Bickering In-Laws
click here to jump to start of article
Join Our Newsletter

Get latest articles and videos with Jewish inspiration and insights​




Dating Maze #217 - Bickering In-Laws
Dating Advice 217

Dating Maze #217 - Bickering In-Laws

His family is argumentative, arrogant and controlling. Should she be worried?

by

Dear Rosie & Sherry,

I am 24 and have been dating a man for two years. I really believe he is the one for me and he has already asked me to marry him.

My problem is that I really am uncomfortable around his immediate family (siblings and parents). They are very nice to me, but "drive me crazy." For example, when I am at his parents' home, they are constantly bickering. His mom is compulsively neat, and everything has to be "just so." Once I brought in a little dirt on my feet to the floor and she freaked out. I cringe at the thought of planning a wedding because of her need to be in control.

His dad is a "show off," constantly talking about himself. He tries to impress people with his experiences, finances, travels, etc. His sister moved a long distance from her parents. She and her parents constantly argue when they are together, and she isn't respectful to her mother or her grandparents.

Needless to say, my own family is very different than this. I don't see my fiance's family too often, because they live in a different state. But nevertheless I am worried. Why am I so uncomfortable around his family? I can't see breaking off our engagement just because of his family. Do you have any suggestions? Thanks!

Jeannie

Dear Jeannie,

Many people have difficulty getting accustomed to the relatives of the person they're dating, particularly if that family's way of interacting is very different from the manner in which they were raised. It sounds as if your family is more even-tempered and toned down than your fiance's family, and it's easy to see that a family that interacts through bickering, arguing, and criticizing can be unnerving and intimidating to you.

The fact that your fiance's parents bicker a lot doesn't mean they don't love each other. In fact, Dr. John Gottman, a psychologist who has studied married couples for more than 30 years, observes that bickering is not necessarily an unhealthy way for a couple to interact. Bickering that is unaccompanied by sarcasm or contempt may be the way this couple solves problems. That doesn't mean that bickering is ideal, but understanding Gottman's observations can help you put this family's interactions into perspective.

You can take a great deal of comfort in a very positive aspect to your situation -- the fact that your fiance's family is, as you write, "very nice" to you. It seems that they like you and accept you. Many people are not that fortunate. Try to appreciate this aspect of your relationship with them and use it as a starting point to find qualities that you can learn to like about them. If you see them in a more balanced way, it will help you to accept them as people who have some likeable features and some that drive you crazy, but who care about your future husband and who want the best for the two of you.

The distance between you and your fiance's family will certainly make this adjustment easier because you can interact with them in small and not-too-frequent "doses." Knowing that you'll only be together for a weekend, or a few days, is a good coping mechanism and can help you have a more positive relationship than if you lived close by and saw each other often. If you are together for more than a day or two at a time, it may also help to schedule some respite time away from the family during that visit, such as a walk or drive with your husband for a few hours.

There is one thing that you didn't say in your letter that we'd like to inquire about. Could it be that one of the reasons you are uncomfortable about the way his family interacts is that you're concerned he may engage in those same behaviors once you are married? That's a legitimate concern, but deserves an explanation. Sometimes, people are able to make a conscious effort to avoid imitating many of the negative patterns of behavior they observed in their families when they were growing up. Other times, they unconsciously emulate into other negative patterns of behavior; however, once they become aware of them they can learn to change if they are motivated to do so. They may benefit from a third party's help to learn more positive ways of interacting.

It could be that your fiance also dislikes the bickering and criticism he sees in his family and tries to act differently than they do. He may have chosen to live a distance from them so that he doesn't have to be exposed to these negative interactions too often. Has he discussed this with you? If not, you'll probably want to talk about your concerns with him. We suggest that you do so in a way that isn't confrontational. After all, he loves his family in spite of their faults, and he can't change them.

One way to introduce the subject is to ask him what he admires about the way his family interacts, and what he dislikes and does not want to see in his own future family. This can lead to a discussion about the qualities you like about his family, and those that you hope will not be part of your own marriage.

You've also expressed some concern about his mother's controlling tendencies. There may be a big difference between her desire to keep everything in order in her own home, and whether she feels a need to control other situations. She may not. You've been dating her son for long enough to get a sense of whether she tries to control certain aspects of his life, and how he reacts to her. If you see specific signs of a potential problem, you should discuss your concerns about wedding plans with him. There are many ways to resolve potential conflicts of will, but each solution shares one element -- that the couple agrees to present a united and mutually supportive front.

We hope our advice is helpful.

Rosie & Sherry

Published: October 21, 2006


Give Tzedakah! Help Aish.com create inspiring
articles, videos and blogs featuring timeless Jewish wisdom.

Submit Your Dating Advice Question (Click here)

Visitor Comments: 10

(10) Anonymous, March 27, 2009 10:40 AM

Ditto to "Run away while you can!"

I've been married for 35 years. I was never around his parents when they were together, until the wedding. I had never heard such bickering in all my life! I'm only with him now because we had kids together, but I have hated my life with him, as he is just like his father. The only difference, his mom turned to the bottle, becoming an alcoholic. I have fought with him all these years, and our children bicker with their mates. Its a very unhappy life! Really, run away while you can and don't do to your children what I have done to mine: He treated me like a princess until we got married, then when we had kids, he went from bad (marriage) to worse (parents)!

(9) Anonymous, November 7, 2006 4:57 PM

Bickering in laws

I ignored though out my three year courtship in college with my ex husband, his parents bickering. They were like Everybody Loves Raymond- FRANK AND MARIE BARONE. AND I THOUGHT their marriage problems had nothing to do with me and my ex husband. Well I was never more wrong once I married my ex husband, he copied his dad's mean ways, and we were just like them! I had to endure this for 13 yrs. of marriage, till the point where i could not STAND IT ANYMORE! So we divorced 7 yrs. ago, and I am convinced that my ex husband is a good guy, but a victim of an emotional abusive home, and could not help displaying this behavior. If it was not for seeing his folks act like this day in and day out, and he would have had a better example of a good marriage, he woul have been a better husband and dad! His brothers overcame this by having Mentor Ravs, but my ex did nto have that support system, so he became a victim of a dysfunctional home. And we paid the price by being divorced, and having our son suffer from it! I wish so much that my ex would not have copied his parents ways, and we could have had a loving peaceful marriage, not perfect, but a Shalom Bayit home! So if you see the signs of this, don't think it has nothing to do with you, it does, and I would not continue that relationship at all! "People are what they learn in home"!
Thanks for letting me share my view here.

(8) Anonymous, October 27, 2006 1:40 AM

please be very very careful

i know from very close encounter, of marriages just like the relationship you are describing. there are just too many cases of men who, as loving and supportive of their spouse as they may seem to be, will ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS end up taking the side of the mother (or, if not taking the mother's side, then at least they will not be on their own wife's side). these men have a problem - even if they think/feel that their mother is manipulative or whatever, they see her as 'mom' and can't make that move from "child" to "adult" in their relationship with her. this problem has been the cause of many very very unhealthy marriages, and some have ended in bitter divorce. The wife, in all cases, ends up angry and bitter and frustrated - ends up feeling unloved and unsupported by her husband as the years go on, and his parents lower their inhibitions and become more and more mean to her.

I am not saying that this is the case here - but I am saying that unless your fiance SEES what is going on, and DEALS with his own relatinship with them, and forms his OWN lifestyle - independent from how he was raised - then your marriage is doomed from day one. he needs to deal with this on his own - and then you and he need to deal with this as a couple.

I would also advise you to have a heart-to-heart with the sister - i wonder why is it she moved away?

(7) Anonymous, October 26, 2006 4:53 PM

Run away while you can!

Life is hard enough, the LAST think you need is a control freak mother in law..checkout www.motherinlawstories.com While these stories are humourous, they are also very sad. TRUST YOUR GUT.. if you feel there is something wrong in this TRIANGLE relationship involving you, your bf, and his parents.. get out while you still can... I too was almost engaged to a great guy with similar control frak show off parents--- thank GD i didnt & i met a WONDERFUL guy who I will soon marry one year later...

(6) Anonymous, October 26, 2006 10:42 AM

In-laws....

The one I have difficulties with is an SIL. One of the most troublesome aspects I have with her behavior is her lack of respect for my parents, especially my mother. Mother has tried so hard to get to know the SIL, be kind and generous to her, etc. only to be told by SIL that Mother is 'making fun of her' or disrespecting her and being 'mean' to her.... I literally get migraines when my parents are in town, the situation is so stressful.
Sometimes, one just accepts what is, for whatever plan the Creator has, is and let it go at that.
Very sad.

See All Comments

Submit Your Comment:

  • Display my name?

  • Your email address is kept private. Our editor needs it in case we have a question about your comment.


  • * required field 2000
Submit Comment
stub
Sign up today!