Dating Maze #218 - Second Wife Scenario
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Dating Maze #218 - Second Wife Scenario
Dating Advice 218

Dating Maze #218 - Second Wife Scenario

She guided him through mourning over his first wife. Can she now switch to a romantic role?

by

Dear Rosie & Sherry,

I find myself faced with a difficult decision. I am a 25-year-old Jewish woman. A little over a year ago, I met a 26-year-old Jewish man who had sadly lost his wife several months earlier. I had no intention of ever seeing him as anything more than a friend. For many reasons I was not attracted to him, but enjoyed speaking to him.

Over the course of the past year, we've become good friends. I now see him in a much different light than when we first met. He asked me if I'd consider dating him. However, I am confused for many reasons.

Initially our conversations were about his loss. He opened up to me, and I took this seriously. I spent countless hours listening to him and helping him get through his most difficult time. I'm concerned that may not be the best way to start a dating relationship.

It's now been two years since his wife passed away. At first he was very vulnerable, but now he has gotten his life back in order (finding a direction in his career, enrolling in graduate school, becoming stronger in his faith).

I feel that because of where our friendship started, it may not ever be able to be more than a friendship. I heard from him himself how much he loved his wife, and how he doesn't think he'll ever be able to love anyone like he loved her. He even bought the plot near hers so that when he passes away he can be buried near her. He once told me that if he knew he'd want to date me one day, he would not have discussed such things.

I told him that I need to think about things. Do you have any advice for me?

Darla

Dear Darla,

We can understand your confusion. You met this man when he was still enveloped in intense grief over the loss of his wife. Now that he has moved beyond that grief and is ready to get on with his life, it's hard for you to forget what he was like at the time and what he said about his relationship with his late wife.

We hope you will be able to see beyond that, because it seems to us that you may have developed an emotional connection you can build upon. It might help to understand that your friend's feelings at the time you first met was a very normal experience for someone who lost a spouse so early in life. It is quite common for most people who have lost a spouse they loved to experience depression, lack of direction, belief they can never be happy again, and insistence that they will never be able to love anyone else as much.

Fortunately, in time, most widowed people are able to pass through the various stages of mourning and become ready to move on with their lives. The depression ends, they become optimistic, they recover their sense of direction, and they start to rebuild their lives. In addition, they realize that they will be able to love again and share life with a partner. They come to accept the fact that while a new love will not be the same as the one they lost, because each relationship is unique, qualitatively it can be just as deep and fulfilling.

And that's the truth. In all likelihood, your friend will marry again, and hopefully he and his wife will raise a family and enjoy a long, healthy, and happy life together. He'll love his new wife for different reasons than he loved the wife he lost, but that won't make their relationship any less loving and rewarding. As time goes on, there will be an added element that he was never able to achieve in his first marriage: the multi-dimensional love that two people develop over the course of time, as they share a long history together and face life's challenges and blessings as a couple. And like most people who marry after an early loss, he will most likely want to be buried next to his "lifetime" partner.

It might help you to appreciate that the loss your friend experienced is precisely what led him to develop the personal qualities that you now admire, and many of the experiences he had in his first marriage will undoubtedly have a positive effect on his relationship with his wife-to-be. From a spiritual perspective, your friend's loss, and the manner in which he overcame it, helped make him the person he is today, and the Divine vehicle to lead you to meet each other.

It may help for you to try to compartmentalize your friendship, and your memories of what your friend was like, during the period after you first met. Can you accept the idea that this was what he was like when his loss was still new and he hadn't fully processed it? Can you look at where he is today and accept him for that... and look forward to how the two of you might be able to grow together?

We hope that you will be able to change your perspective and consider his offer to start dating.

Rosie & Sherry

Published: November 4, 2006

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Visitor Comments: 9

(9) Anonymous, December 17, 2006 6:53 PM

Falling in Love after your spouse dies.

After my husband passed away 2 1/2 yrs ago I felt too I could never fall in love again. I am falling in love with a Jewish man who is my trainer and also has become my good friend. He has taught me so much. Not only at the gym but mentally. He has given me guidance. We can talk about what we went threw with our late spouses and their illness. We have been hanging out together for the past 1 1/2 year. I am afraid at times, because I feel he does not feel the same way I do. He is very intelligent ,he is younger than me But is so old for his age. I have never met such an interesting man in my life.
I am taking one day at a time pray to GOD I am not a fool. I do care and love him.
No one knows what a person is going threw when their spouse dies. Except when it does happen to them. I think Darla should follow what her heart tells her.

(8) LeonardHacker, December 16, 2006 8:29 PM

I believe this column is a very interesting and informative part of aish.com

(7) Anonymous, November 16, 2006 10:24 PM

looking for help

I am a divorce woman for 5 years, it was so difficult for me, in the begining I could not speak to my ex, because I was feeling betrayed, he got a girlfriend and sent me a filed divorce by mail, as the time pass by I can speak with him in a calm way about our children or child support. But, for me is so difficult because when I talk with him my feeling for him are coming back. I really need help with some advices because he never will return to my life again.

(6) Joey, November 8, 2006 7:54 PM

I'm a bit more optimistic than a lot of these commenters seem to be, and I agree with this article to a degree; however, if he is just starting to date again, it might be better to leave him alone. He might, subconsciously, be trying to use Darla to replace his wife, or be drawn to her because of the help she gave him and nothing else; on the other hand, the fact that she was his "angel of mercy" during his depression could be good grounds. (I'm not expert at this sort of thing.) I would say that Darla shouldn't be the first woman he dates, in fear of being the "rebound;" but in the future, when he's been dating women for a while and is past the initial stages, there may be hope.

God bless.

(5) Anonymous, November 8, 2006 3:50 PM

I totally agree with DevorahMei's view here

I agree with the first 2 comments that it is so difficult to start a relatioship with baggage of this kind weighing heavily for this couple, as i said before here, "Been There, Done that", I was in the same position as this woman, and it blew up in my face. The relationship ended badly by my former boyfriend, and chose a woman who is like his late wife, and my only fault was that I could not be an exact clone of his late wife. So he went out and married the clone, and I still nurse my broken heart. There is not a day that goes by that I don't wish that I had never fell in love with that guy, and it especially hurts when I see ads in our Jewish paper advertising his simcahs with that other woman. So I ask that woman walk kindly away from this guy, and find a another guy, where you can have a fresh start with him.I never wish this woman to go though the pain i endure. If my hearache can save this woman from going though it, that will ease mine alot, that my experience can help her.Thanks for giving me this chance to reach out to another Jew who had the same experience as me. Best luck to this young lady, and I hope she reads this, and takes the right derech for her.
Kol tov:

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