Dating Maze #237 - Younger Sibling First?

Dear Rosie & Sherry,

I am a 30-something single woman. I am getting more and more depressed about the fact that my younger siblings have passed me by in marriage. Of course, I am very happy for them. But as my own search stretches longer and longer, I find it increasingly painful to be around them and their growing families.

I don't want to be selfish, but I really could use some good advice on how to deal with this.

Esther

Dear Esther,

One of the most difficult experiences to encounter is watching a younger sibling marry. A younger brother's or sister's engagement often brings a rush of conflicting emotions -- ranging from anxiety, jealousy, resentment and bitterness, to joy, happiness, love for one's family, and even optimism for one's own future. As much as we would like to offer a magic formula that could help older siblings completely overcome the negative feelings and celebrate their family simcha with unbridled joy, we don't have one. It is hard. However, there are ways you can minimize the pain and develop a more productive outlook.

First, do not feel guilty about the mixed emotions you are experiencing. It is perfectly normal to feel sad and resentful about your own single status at the same time you're happy about a sibling's marriage. Instead of bottling up those emotions, it would be a good to express them in an appropriate forum. You may find it cathartic to express your feelings by writing in a private journal, or by describing them to an empathetic friend or mentor. You can tell that person, "I need to express how I feel to someone who can listen, empathize without offering suggestions, and never discuss our conversation with other people."

Your conflicting emotions may surface from time to time during your sibling's engagement and wedding celebrations, but if you have an outlet to express these feelings, it will be easier for you to compartmentalize them. You can then be freer to enjoy the celebrations by focusing on love for your family and a desire for your sibling's happiness.

Another way to gain emotional strength is to focus on the fact that your sibling's engagement or marriage has nothing to do with your own. Your brother's bride, or your sister's groom, is right for them, not for you. Why they met at this point in time, and why you're still waiting, is something beyond human control. The person who turns out to be right for you to marry will come along at a time that God decides is right.

That frame of reference helps with another way of coping through this emotionally challenging time. It's hard to think, "I don't mind that it is taking years, as long as I know that it's going to happen, and when." We have to remember that no matter how much we may want to be married, it is within God's control rather than our own. Someday in the future, we may find out the reason why we had to wait, or we may not. Either way, there is a reason.

Waiting Time

So the best advice is to use this "waiting time" productively. That can mean strengthening your personal weaknesses, so that when the time comes, you'll be a better marriage partner. It also means continuing your dating efforts, and periodically re-examining and adjusting your strategies and perspectives. It also means taking some of the focus off yourself by performing kindness for others.

Many people who have dated for a long time before meeting the right person say that, in retrospect, the personal growth they went through during the difficult years of dating helped to refine their character traits, develop a more enlightened perspective, become more spiritually connected, individuate better from their parents, or become more attuned to the needs of others. Only after they grew in this way were they able to meet and develop a great relationship with their future spouse.

One of the best coping mechanisms of all is living a full life, rather than waiting until you marry to do so. Why should we waste the next three, five, or seven years in an unrewarding job, not managing money properly, forgoing interesting vacations, living in the same dismal apartment as a college undergraduate, or not being involved in the community? Marriage should be viewed as a way to enhance your already-full life, rather than a means of rescuing you from an unrewarding one.

Family Dynamics

Regarding your specific situation, it may be helpful to look at it from the opposite perspective. Sometimes, the younger sibling also experiences mixed feelings when deciding to get married. In spite of their own happiness, many younger siblings feel somewhat guilty that they will be the one to marry first. Each family member may wonder how to display sensitivity to the older sibling without diminishing the joy and excitement they feel about the wedding preparations. Some of them may avoid discussing wedding plans with an older sibling in order to spare them discomfort. Or they may not realize that when an older sibling expresses joy and offers to help with wedding preparations, he or she may still feel somewhat resentful, anxious, or jealous.

While some families find it difficult to discuss such sensitive issues, it is always better to do so. The engaged sibling could have a heart-to-heart discussion with the older sibling, to express love for them and sensitivity to the discomfort and pain they may be feeling, and to describe her appreciation for the happiness and graciousness her sibling has displayed. It's also a good idea to ask older siblings to what extent they would like to hear about wedding plans and the engaged couple's efforts to set up a home, and if they want to help with the event. Many older brothers and sisters are happy to enhance their sibling's simcha with a personal touch, while others will have a hard enough time just attending the wedding and its associated festivities. The best way for one sibling to be considerate of the other's sensitivities is to talk it out together.

Parents, too, need to acknowledge that their older child may have conflicting emotions, and to express appreciation for child being gracious about the wedding.

And this a good time as well to express optimism and hope that the older child will soon find his/her soul mate. Sometimes, it also helps for a parent to let their child know that they've been setting aside money for his future wedding, or that they've been praying or doing other mitzvot in the merit that the child will find and marry the right person.

The Talmud says that making a match is "as difficult as splitting the Red Sea." What is the connection? When the Jews stood at the sea, it did not split until one man, Nachshon, took the plunge. Then the sea split and everyone else was able to walk through. The same concept could apply to matches: Once one sibling takes the plunge, it can provide an opening for the other siblings to follow right after.

We've seen this phenomenon played out in real life, time and again. So may the weddings of your younger sibling be an opening for your own wedding -- may it be soon in the future.

Rosie & Sherry

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Published: August 11, 2007
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Visitor Comments: 20

(18) Lonely Soul, February 2, 2013 12:26 AM

Glad To Know I'm Not Alone

My younger sister is getting married next year.I'm turning 35 this year and still single. It makes me feel like such a loser when I heard the news.I cry myself to sleep thinking about this.I don't even know who I can confide about this.We are close and my lonely life will get even lonelier after she's married.Sob sob...

always the lonely girl, May 14, 2013 3:06 PM

I so feel your pain. I'm 32 and had no one or no where to turn to with my feelings because all the feedback that I will get is that I am nothing but jealous of her. Funny thing is that shes getting married and has 3 kids with him and two of them are twin boys, which I introduced them. She has everything that I always dreamed of having for myself. I feel like a complete and total loser and not worthy of anything. I'm sorry but I do not feel happy for her at all. I just don't know what will become of me, I haven't been in a relationship for almost a decade now, Being alone is the worst thing ever in life,

(17) Jiggly, January 3, 2012 1:06 AM

I know the feeling pretty well

Here is the thing, my elder brother got married a couple months ago and now it's my younger sister the one that is getting married, how I feel? LIKE GARBAGE!!! I'm 30, I feel all the things displayed here and I'm sick of that sh... that someday somebody will come. What if that never happens? I'm tired of waiting, I'm tired of dating one man after the other and find just frogs, never the Mr. Right, it's like something was really wrong with me, she has only had 2 boyfriends in her life and she is getting married first. Everybody say that I have to be happy and not dare to make a single comment in front of her because I don't have the right to spoil her happiness. I can't imagine my life alone, sometimes I think that if I get to 50 and I'm still alone, I'm going to take my life, because I can't stand the idea of a lonely life, what is the point of living if I have to be alone?

carla, April 2, 2013 8:50 PM

agree with you

I agree with you. I believe you should vent how you feel about the weddings. it's not healthy to keep it in!!! in fact it will make you ill not to admit it to them. if you haven't already explain your feelings to them and hope thy understand anddon't go. it may hurt them. but it is better than years of agonizing depression that will follow if you don't

(16) Anonymous, October 17, 2011 4:56 PM

Now I don't feel weird!

I really appreciate this information. Both of my siblings are married and I feel quite alone. The youngest married 4 years ago and the oldest this year. I have all of the emotions described here and no one seems to understand how I feel. They're so wrapped up with the newlyweds and they can all get together and talk about married people stuff. I did start a journal and that has helped. I don't know what the future holds for me but it's hard to be positive when your 39 years old. I also love the comments here. It helps me feel normal.

(15) Anonymous, August 11, 2011 9:34 AM

Mixed feelings

My younger sisters are both engaged and one is pregnant and getting married in four months. i am 7 years older than them as they are twins. i am battling with jealousy, anger, resentment, joy and I feel inadequate. It would not hurt me that much if marriage was something I did not want but here I am 31, single, childless and not even dating and wanting to get married as well. It is hard but God has a plan. I pray i am not too old to bear kids or to find happiness. To those in my situation, let's pray for one anotehr and be strong and happy for them.

(14) Anonymous, April 5, 2011 2:14 AM

This article helped me a lot. I am 29 and my younger brother is about to get married before me. It doesn't help that I am single. I love my brother so much as well as my future sister in law. However, I'm still very sad about this. I feel like it should have been me to get married first, and I'm embarassed. I also feel bad that I'm even upset about it. I always thought his wedding would be such a great time for me, but I'm worried I'll just feel sad and depressed during the wedding preparation months. I'm doing a lot of praying and soul searching and I hope I can put my sadness aside and be happy for them.

(13) Butterfly, January 11, 2010 1:34 AM

I understand!

I so understand what you are going through. When a silbling/sister gets married its different from a friend. Because a friend you can choose to see or not. A sibling getting married changes the whole family dynamic. It forces YOU to be forever changed as well. Also, I want to point out that believe it or not it doesnt really matter if its your older or younger sister the feelings are still similiar. Maybe not as intense but its just not a good feeling to be left behind. Not to mention the "Planning of the wedding" that last for months. Its like training someone to take your job. Helping someone pick dresses, cakes, vendors decor etc SUCKS Everywhere you go vendors suck up to the bride for the money and people suck to the bride to be in the in crowd. Now everything in the family becomes about welcoming the new "man" into the family. Welcoming the new man also then becomes extra attention brought to the sibling and the new couple. This can go on for years. As long as there is no new budding couple arising in the immediate family. THen when its your turn, suddenly this same family is out of money, out of energy and just plan out of interest. Its no longer new or exciiting and now they have tweaked a few things and left some of the fringe benefits out of being the "new couple" because they found it didnt work, with the first "New couple". ...OH yeah and where is this new couple when you finally get married....Oh now they have a baby something else that is just way more intersting then the new couple thing and so they dont have time for you and your wedding, but to show you how much they care they will offer to "Buy or purchase" something and if you dare to say.. no thank you, then you are just ungreatful and still jealous.

(12) Shoshana, December 17, 2009 11:39 PM

stress

I am 52 and still searching. I haven't spoken to mny sister in over a year because I relly don't want to hear about my 27 year old niece's boyfriend. I'm sure enegagement is next, and I am trying to avoid that test. If I were married, or at leats dating soomeone, I could feel joy, but not right now.

(11) Anonymous, August 4, 2009 4:02 PM

Im usually pretty strong at these occasions. i dont cry or show much emotion. but recently my younger took the plunge and some how all that bottled emotion came sobbing out during the bedekin and right after the chupa- when it was offical. im not sure if it was jealousy that he got married before me, rather the closeness we shared for all these years is now ending. my mind went through all the years of us hangin out together and thinking that time of my life is over and now must get used to it. i had 2 older siblings married and i got over it so im sure this too shall pass.

(10) katie, March 28, 2009 1:55 AM

I am agreeing with this article, and finding it very difficult watching my younger sister getting married. The day after my 29th birthday. I am already having trouble accepting turning 29 with being single, and entering a new career. I feel she choose that date on purpose, but I know deep down its not the case.. How can I deal with this scenario, and still show happiness for my younger sister.

(9) Mo, January 28, 2009 1:35 PM

I get absolutely frustrated with my parents since my brother has gotten married and started his family that my parents single me out. I feel that my parents always want me to do stuff with them and or help them out with things but it's ok for my married brother and his family to do whatever and to go visit our parents whenever they feel like it. But for me being the not married son in the family it feels like I am singled out and it's more of an obligation for me to go visit my parents where as my married brother can get out of it with excuses like oh it's to long of a trip for us and the kids. I just feel like screaming at the top of my lungs and say something like "I don't give a shit about how long the trip is or if it's a tad bit harder for them to travel with their kids". It also feels aweful that if I try and bring up the subject that I feel singled out my parents always come around and say stuff like oh you know we don't mean it. But yet then when my parents call or talk to my married brother it always comes back to oh they are to busy to visit us but then my parents will come and visit them and me but it always feels more obligated to me that I have to visit my parents but my brother and his family get this special "pass" since he is married and has kids.

(8) BF, August 29, 2007 11:32 AM

Live as full a life _as possible_

I endorse Rosie and Sherry's call for singles to improve themselves and to take a positive accepting attitude toward younger siblings' marriages.

But I don't accept the notion that singlehood is a "full" life. Live as full a life as possible, but marriage is a need, not a want, and singlehood is a state our Creator calls "not good."

Marriage does not necessarily rescue one from unhappiness, but it rescues one from the prison of singlehood and offers a chance to achieve happiness.

Finally, it is not comforting to say "G-d wants me to be single right now, and will let me marry when the time is right." Maybe the time was right years ago but we foolishly overlooked a good match He sent our way? We must pray for G-d to send us good matches, and for the wisdom to recognize each other as such.

BF

(7) Anonymous, August 14, 2007 11:53 AM

Perhaps your siblings getting married could lead you to finding "the one"!
I've found that people who have married friends often get introduced to their single friends and co-workers but on the flip side I've also found that as friends marry they also drift away (and people who I've met who are already married don't take much interest in befriending singles).
So having a married sibling could very well increase your chances of being set up, or being involved in events and activities attended by a new group of people. Perhaps you may need to specifically ask to be involved, but if you have a good relationship with your siblings that shouldn't be an issue!

I think that if you look at this in that perspective then you could see the additions to your family not as a reminder of your own singlehood but an expansion of your social possibilities.

(6) Anonymous, August 13, 2007 10:23 PM

my story

I was in a similar situation when my younger sister (by four years) decided to get married and I was not in any serious relationship at all. I thought about it and realized that my being ungracious would not help me find anyone sooner and so I can say in all honesty that I was completely happy for her and I beleive that is why I met my husband-to-be so soon afterwards because I focused on her happiness instead of my own.

(5) Tammy, August 13, 2007 5:27 PM

Re: Younger sibling first

I don't know if this could happen to everyone but I found that as soon as I stopped wanting to get married then the person that was right for me came along and I married them. I think you have to come to peace with yourself and your life as a single person with the knowledge you might never get married before you should even start looking for the right person to marry.

(4) rachelli, August 13, 2007 4:17 AM

A very sensitively written article.
Esther, may you be blessed to find your bashert in the very near future.

(3) Anonymous, August 12, 2007 8:56 PM

asking forgiveness

Thank you for your helpful article. There is a Jewish tradition to address the marriage of a younger sibling before an older one; the younger sibling asks forgiveness of the older sibling (in front of witnesses - a rav can be consulted about the details). It may sound formal or even odd but it is a real way of addressing the underlying feelings of the situation and allowing everyone to move on.

(2) diana, August 12, 2007 6:57 PM

bravo! good advice

Hey guys, you all gave great advise, I want to congratulate you for suggesting that Esther live a "full life". People look at me puzzled (I'm 35 and still happily single) when I tell them that my life is very full. I keep telling them that I've "moved on" to live the life I always wanted to live and I'm not holding my breath until a man shows up. I've traveled, studied, started my own business, have plans to build a home and have a fulfilling artistic career. I'm very, very involved in my place of worship, I am loved (most importantly by G-d) by my family and friends, I don't have time to whine...My life is indeed too full! Its important to stress that all G-d believing people understand that we were created in His image which is not half an image, G-d is not 1/2, The Lord is One. Even when two spirits get married, they become...you guessed it, one! that's right! I'm already one! Thanks

(1) Anonymous, August 12, 2007 2:41 PM

Thanks for this sensitive article!

A huge thank you to Rosie & Sherry for tackling this sensitive issue. I was in the position that my youngest brother married first, then my middle brother, and I am still hoping to find my bashert. It is especially hard, to be the unmarried older sister and to watch youger brothers marry first. It was tough on me each time, as I was torn between wanting to be joyous and happy for the new couple while still trying to deal with my own pain and uncertainty about my future. What helped me was to discuss my situation and feelings with trusted friends, as you suggested, and with parents. Then I felt free to embrace the simcha and all the associated festivities and truly experience the joy during this special time in my family's life. I hope that others who are still hoping to meet their bashert will find some comfort in this article.

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About the Author

Rosie Einhorn, L.C.S.W. and Sherry Zimmerman, J.D., M.Sc.

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Questions for Rosie & Sherry can be sent to datingmaze@aish.com. Due to the large volume of questions received, they are unable to answer each one.

Rosie Einhorn (a psychotherapist) and Sherry Zimmerman (a psychotherapist and former family lawyer) are the authors of the newly-released book, Dating Smart – Navigating the Path to Marriage, published by Menucha Publishers. They are the founders of Sasson V'Simcha (www.jewishdatingandmarriage.com), a non- profit organization that provides programs and services in North America, Israel, and Europe to help Jewish singles and the people who care about them.