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Dating Advice #276 - Terminal Decision
Dating Advice 276

Dating Advice #276 - Terminal Decision

He is pre-occupied with family issues. How long should she wait?

by

Dear Rosie & Sherry,

The man I've been dating for 18 months is wonderful -- funny, smart, generous, ambitious, family-oriented, respectful. The list of positives is long. We are both in our 30s and on the verge of taking the next step. However, certain life circumstances seem to be getting in the way, and I don't know how to evaluate their impact on our relationship.

The last year has been tough. Jason's father hadn't been in good health for some time, but after we'd been dating for about six months his father's condition deteriorated dramatically. Jason and his siblings wanted to provide their father with loving care, and during the last months of his life, as he became more impaired, they took care of his every physical and emotional need.

I admired the way that Jason showed devotion to his father, and I was very supportive of him during this time. And it was clear to both of us that our courtship was on hold. Naturally, there were some days that I felt frustrated, but I understood that he was having a hard enough time balancing his family and job responsibilities.

The entire family is emotionally and physically exhausted.

Jason's father passed away a few months ago. We were just starting to live life again, and Jason told me that he was ready to move on and focus on us. Then another tragedy struck his family. Jason's young nephew was critically injured in a car accident. He has a head injury and is in a coma. Fortunately, Jason's nephew is slowly improving and the doctor's are guardedly optimistic about his recovery, but he will need extensive rehabilitation. Jason's sister and brother-in-law are emotionally and physically exhausted, as is the rest of the family. Once again, Jason and his other siblings, still grieving the loss of their dad, want to be a supportive and helpful family network.

I'm trying to be as supportive as I can, even though during the past year I clearly wasn't getting as much back from Jason as I gave to him. I like Jason's family and feel terrible about the circumstances they are facing, and I know that this is a lot for Jason to handle right now.

However, I am also a little selfish. It seems like Jason and I are right back to where were a year ago. I am concerned that he will put us on the backburner again, unconsciously (or not) using this news as an excuse. He has admitted that he's a little afraid of marriage. I want a family and can't wait forever, especially if Jason is really delaying out of fear. I'm also worried that I'm never going to be his top priority -- there's always his job, his family, himself.

If that's the case, then I feel like I have to walk away. Any advice?

Sondra

Dear Sondra,

It seems as though you have a very clear understanding of the problem you are facing. Your courtship isn't moving forward, and you don't know if it's because Jason can't make the leap toward marriage and is using family circumstances as a way to avoid doing so, or if marriage would have happened if he hadn't been sidelined by his father's final illness and now his nephew's long and challenging recovery.

This is not something we can answer without knowing the two of you well. But we do have a suggestion about how you can figure out where you are headed. This suggestion should make it easier for you to decide to stay with him or to move on. This is vital, because your relationship has to move forward to survive. If it continues to stagnate, it will either deteriorate, or you will leave.

Some people have a difficult time dealing with more than one major issue at a time. Jason barely recovered from tending to his dying father, is still mourning his father's death, and has now to become a source of emotional support for his sister and brother-in-law. He's grieving, concerned about his nephew's long road to recovery, and is uncertain about how the dynamics of his family will change. It's a lot for anyone to handle. On top of that, your relationship has been in limbo too long and it is time to move it to another level, and he may need clarity to be able to decide if he wants to marry you or not. And even if he does, he may need help dealing with his fears, to make the leap of faith to become engaged and married.

You must sit down and talk about how things are developing.

There's no question that the two of you must sit down and talk about how you see things developing over the next six months. We might tell someone who has different circumstances than yours to give the man she is dating more time to deal with his family situation and to continue to give him emotional support. However, we're concerned that in your case, this might mean waiting for an engagement and marriage that may never come about. So as difficult as it may be for Jason to deal with another major issue at a very stressful time, we believe that for your sake he must do so.

We suggest you saying something like this: "I'd like us to talk about something that we've put on hold for a long time because you needed to concentrate on caring for your father. After he died, we both looked forward to focusing on our courtship. Now your family has a new crisis, and I know that it's important for you to be there for them. This time, though, I think we need to figure out a way for us to nurture our relationship at the same time that we're concerned about your nephew's recovery. I don't want to become frustrated about being in limbo, or for you to feel guilty, pressured, or too overwhelmed to figure out what you want. I think that, as hard as it is to focus on things between us right now, we need to find a way to do it. "

One more thing: If Jason does pledge to move your courtship forward, it may be very difficult for him to devote the emotional and mental energy to taking this major step without someone to guide him. A third party can help him address his feelings, priorities, and goals about the many major transitions he is facing in his life, and help him acquire the clarity to deal with several issues. We suggest that he consider working with a therapist who specializes in helping individuals deal with grief and family illness.

The bottom line is that even though this is a very difficult and emotionally demanding period in his life, your relationship is not going to survive unless Jason works on his grief and his current family trauma, and decides to move forward.

We wish you all strength at this time, and clarity in navigating the dating maze,

Rosie & Sherry

Published: January 31, 2009

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Visitor Comments: 10

(10) SOLOMON, February 15, 2009 10:49 AM

STILL GIVE HIM MORE TIME BUTTALK THINGS OVER.

SONDRA, PLS TAKE THINGS EASY WITH HIM,ALLOW HIM TO RECOVER FROM HIS PROBLEM WHILE YOU SUPPORT HIM AND SHOW HIM LOVE AT THIS MOMENT OF HIS LIFE.LOVE CURES MANY WOUNDS AND BRINGS HOPE TO A BROKING AND DEAD RELATIONSHIP.SHOW DEEP CONCERN ABOUT HIS PROBLEMS THAT IS ONLY WHEN YOU CAN WIN HIS LOVE FOR U.HAVE MORE FAITH AND BE PATIENT IN LIFE.

(9) aviva, February 8, 2009 8:45 PM

Difficult times can bring people together

I have a friend who was engaged - a short engagement after a relatively short courship period, when her close young relative was hit by a car. It was during that period, when the family was spending all their time in the hospital and then unfortunately when her relative passed away, where they were able to see what a wonderful man she was marrying. He was totally supportive throughout the tragic time - spending a lot of time in the hospital, doing whatever needed to be done to help. The couple pulled together and developed a much closer relationship. The wedding was not postponed, even though the family was going through so much grief. people from more traditional/religious circles have a very strong tradition of not pushing off marriage. I understand that Jason's been through a lot, but if he really cares for Sondra and wants to marry her, he should not keep putting their relationship on the back burner.

(8) Ronni, February 5, 2009 11:36 PM

Selfish?

Why is it selfish to want to be married? What is marriage about if not to have a place where two people can be bonded together with love and in partership to raise their children together? Who should one turn to when they are in grief if not for their spouse? I don't get Anonymous #5 at all. As someone who has been through the pain of losing a loved one I cannot imagine how I would have coped without having my husband. He was there for me and it was to him that I turned to even though I spent considerable time with my other family members in our grief. In fact there was a family wedding that took place three weeks after the funeral, we did not postpone it at all despite the tremendous sadness and that the whole family was in the mourning period. Why in the world would his nephew's accident have an impact on the future of a marriage to the person who ought to be the most important person in his life? Does his nephew not have parents to care and worry over him? Even if he's visiting his nephew everyday or helping out the family that should not stop a couple from getting married. I'm still wondering how this can even be a question?

(7) Joel, February 4, 2009 10:47 PM

Sondra did not give us enough information

Having been through this experience recently on Jason's side of life, I was dismayed at the way Rosie and Sherry jumped to their conclusions. After telling us the relationship was clearly on hold during his father's illness, she does not qualify this commnet. Was their substanially less communication? Did Jason substantially reduce the time he spent with her? Did Jason make any effort to balance his time caring for his father with Sondra's needs? Similarly, after Jason's nephew was injured, did this affect the relationship in the ways I queried above? The only evidence of Jason's lack of commitment to the relationship is Sondra telling us in the last paragraph that Jason is a little scared of marriage. It seems to me that Rosie and Sherry ran with that last paragraph and jumped to their conclusions. Instead of looking at Jason as the ego centric partner once his father became ill and then the nephew, lets look at the relationship itself. Is Jason the ego centric partner, or were there unresolved issues which did and do not have time to be resolved? The conversation suggested for Sondra to pose to Jason is needed. But the underlying issues need to be addressed, not whether Jason is using these life events as excuses to avoid commitment.

(6) Ellen, February 4, 2009 5:29 PM

Accept that Jason is who he is, and then decide

I agree with Rosie and Sherry's advice. I would only add that people do not generally change radically after they marry (unless they really want to, and even then it is not easy to do). So even if you and Jason do marry, it seems as if Jason may always become caught up in family issues at the expense of his core relationship. The balance between his family and your marriage may never be what you want and/or need it to be. I think you would benefit from looking not only at these family issues but how Jason characteristically responds to them, and determine if this fits with your needs.

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