Dear Rosie & Sherry,
I recently ended my engagement to the man I thought was the love of my life. We dated on and off for a year before becoming engaged. The two months that followed were mostly blissful, with some fights from "wedding plan stress." I ended the engagement because my fiancé was unfaithful, something I never could have imagined he would do.
I became much more Jewishly involved while the two of us were dating, and I thought that we were going to have a life based on shared religious values. My ex's surprising actions showed me that he does not have the values I want my husband to live by. Of course, now he says that he regrets what he did, and swears that he is making significant lifestyle changes, and will do anything to be with me. But even if he does all of this, I am not sure I can get over what he did.
If my former fiancé shows clear progress in his growth, should I try to move past his actions, forgive him and start a clean slate? Is cheating forgivable? Or should I just try my best to fall out of love with him (it's very hard for me to get over him) and hope and pray I'll meet the right one at a later time? Thanks so much!
Ellie
Dear Ellie,
You asked us if it's possible for a relationship to be rebuilt after it's been broken by a serious breach of trust. Our answer is a qualified "yes." It isn't easy to get over a breach of trust by someone you love, because that trust has to be re-earned at a much higher price than it was initially acquired.
How does a couple develop trust in the first place? It begins when two people gradually get to know each other, share their hopes and dreams, show respect for each other, and give each other a sense of safety so they can reveal their vulnerabilities to each other. Each person demonstrates a willingness to honor the shared expectations and understandings that develop between them.
When you became engaged, that was a commitment between you two that your relationship was exclusive. You probably came to this understanding long before your actual engagement. By being "unfaithful", as you put it (and we assume that this means being intimately involved with someone else), your fiancé breached this promise. That betrayal may be very difficult for you to come to terms with.
Did he express regret only after you caught him?
Before you even can consider rebuilding your relationship, we'd like you to answer some questions about the circumstances of your fiancé's lapse. Was his indiscretion a one-time lapse, or was he actually seeing someone else for a while? Was the other person someone he dated in the past, perhaps during one of the "off" periods in your relationship? Was exclusivity or dating other people an issue any time before you became engaged? Did he feel guilty about his actions and "confess" to you, or did he express regret only after you caught him? Was his cheating related at all to the stress of your engagement?
Some of the answers might indicate that this man wasn't really committed to your relationship or that he has a hard time with the concept of exclusivity. Or, he may not have learned appropriate ways to deal with stress. And it may be that he isn't sure if he feels ready for marriage. In any of these cases, he would need to address these issues before he can be ready to begin to rebuild your relationship. And even if he immediately and deeply regretted his mistake -- agonizing over telling you because he knew you would be hurt, and tearfully admitting what he'd done and apologized -- he will still have to understand why he did so and how he can avoid this in the future.
We wouldn't encourage you trying to get back together with him unless you see that he's making an active effort to understand himself, clarify what he wants out of life and from your marriage, and find the path he'd like to follow. Examining his life philosophy may help him gain some of the understanding and clarity he needs, but it has to be accompanied with other concrete changes. And even then, there is no guarantee that he won't slip in the future, just as there is no guarantee that any human being won't experience a significant lapse in judgment sometime in life. This is where you'll have to gauge your level of rebuilt trust. Only you will know if and when he has done enough personal growth for you to trust him again.
One key indicator of where this is all heading is whether he has already begun the process of growing and changing, or if he's waiting for your reaction before he starts. If it's the former, you should both view this as a process, and it will take time for him to acquire the clarity to be sure that he really wants to follow the direction he's chosen. You'll have to decide for yourself if you want to wait and watch the process unfold, or if you prefer to move on.
Is he waiting for your reaction before he starts to change?
If it's the latter (i.e. he's waiting for your response), then he probably isn't sincere enough about changing or mature enough for marriage. Or he may not know what he really wants out of life. Enduring marriages are built on a foundation of shared values and compatible goals, and if he adopts your views because he doesn't have his own, then he doesn't know enough about himself for that foundation to be solid.
If you decide that, in spite of your feelings for him, you don't have the basis on which to build a marriage, it will take time to grieve for your loss and decide that you're ready to move on. One suggestion that can help this process is to acknowledge your pain, and to admit that even though you may love him, he wasn't the right marriage partner for you. Another way to help your own healing is to find a creative or athletic outlet to help you work through your feelings.
It may take time for you to let go of the hope that at some point in the future you and your ex might get back together. That's an important step to take, because that hope can keep you from emotionally investing in a new relationship. And that hope ignores the fact that if your paths do cross in the future, the two of you may have become very different people who are not at all suited for each other.
We wish you success in navigating the dating maze.
Rosie & Sherry
(25) Amalya , August 28, 2009
Cheating is very serious and it destroys trust completely. You cannot have a marriage without trust.
(24) Christel , August 24, 2009
Forgiveness
I would say take a step back. I'm learning sometimes things happen so that we can look at ourselves and see what we need to change. Unfortunately, I have been on both sides of this scenario with the same man. We have even gotten divorced and are now planning to get remarried. Trust is hard to rebuild, sometimes I think I'm insane because now that I am learning Torah and trying to become a better person, I see temptations as test which I strive to pass sometimes on a daily basis..but I still wonder what is he doing if I can't get a hold of him and such which is where I feel I'm going crazy sometimes...I would pray, in my case I know I need to strengthen my Emuna, I need to have Faith in Hashem! Pray for Him to show you the way NO one else can tell you because its a life you will have to lead either way. Follow your heart!
(23) ANON , August 9, 2009
dont trust him
It is better that you got a good look at him before the marrige.I feel that if he can cheat on you once he can cheat on you again.It would be better for you to find someone who you can trust.
(22) Zissi , July 21, 2009
Better before than after
Better a broken engagment than a divorce. End it-it's hard, but it's better now than after a few years and a few kids. You can never trust him again.
(21) joe , July 20, 2009
There is insufficient information here for any real comments
If this were a site other than Aish, and the writer was not a committed BT, the word unfaithful would have a clear meaning. However, if a couple is Shomer Negia, what does unfaithful mean? Did he go out on a date with some other girl? Did he kiss her? Did he do something more? I am not saying that an engaged man should have eyes for any other woman than his intended for any reason, however there are degrees and there are degrees. If the two of you are not Shomer Neghia and he actually slept with someone else two months into your engagement, there is absolutely nothing good that can be said. He never took your engagement seriously enough at all to marry you. Dump him and have no regrets. Be thankful Hashem showed you the mercy of finding out before you were married. On the other hand, If you two are Shomer Neghia or at least not sleeping together, and he did not sleep with someone else, then there is a lot of room for discussion depending on exactly what happened and why. Maybe he went way too far over all sorts of lines, but it is not necessarily the case that the relationship is irredeemable. As a third case, If you two are sleeping together and he did not sleep with this woman, then you know what the difference is, and you should be able to again have room for discussion. As a fourth case, the worst case scenario, if he is shomer negia with you, but sleeping with others, just forget him. He is absolutely not interested in the same values you are, in addition to not being interested in you the way a proper husband would be.