click here to jump to start of article
Join Our Newsletter

Get latest articles and videos with Jewish inspiration and insights​




Dating Maze #374: Can You Start Wearing Make-Up?
Dating Advice 374

Dating Maze #374: Can You Start Wearing Make-Up?

The man I'm dating wants me to wear make-up – and I hate make-up!

by

Dear Rosie & Sherry,

I’m a 26-year-old professional woman – attractive, lively and smart. I am a bit of a naturalist – whole foods, natural fibers, solar power. I despise the idea of wearing make-up and believe I look pretty without it.

A few months ago I met a great guy. We’ve gotten to know each other in a healthy way – sharing time at museums, concerts and picnics. Everything seemed to be going great until… we were speaking yesterday and all of a sudden he got very serious. He said that something’s been bothering him, and he needed to talk about it. He said that he’s used to women wearing make-up and he finds my “natural look” a bit flat. So he asked if I would indulge his preference and start wearing make-up when we’re together.

I hate make up! I could see myself marrying this guy, but I can’t imagine going through life with rouge on my face. How much do I change for someone?

Tricia

Rosie Einhorn, L.C.S.W. and Sherry Zimmerman, J.D., M.Sc.

Rosie and Sherry's Answer:

Dear Tricia,

We can understand what you may be thinking and feeling about this man’s request. You may feel that in some way he's trying to change, or even control you. You are content with your natural looks and have a hard time understanding why a man who's attracted to you would want you to add something to an appearance he already likes. You may feel that cosmetics are unnatural, artificial, and unnecessary for someone who is already comfortable with her appearance. These are all valid points.

One option is that you can follow your convictions and not agree to this request. You can be one of the many women who go through life quite happily without wearing make-up, and you won't be at a disadvantage because of this choice.

At the same time, since he is someone you care about, it is worthwhile to understand his perspective and decide if that might influence your decision. Many times, when we're in a relationship we value, we are willing to make changes that are important to our partner. We might change a behavior like driving too fast, a habit such as smoking or chewing gum.

We can enhance our appearance in order to please someone we care about.

We can decide to do something to enhance our appearance in order to please those close to us. People often style their hair, shave, wear cologne, put on make-up, or wear a flattering outfit because they want to be more attractive to the person they're dating. We might trade in our comfortable yet worn-out shoes or slacks for something new, or let down our up-do and let our hair frame our face – all because someone we care about has asked us to.

The fact is that most of us look more appealing when we have a becoming hairstyle, well-fitting and stylish clothes, trimmed beards for men, and make-up for women. Further, we appreciate when someone we're already attracted to does something small to make themselves look even better in our eyes.

There's another factor at play here that many women don't consider. In general, a man's attraction to a woman tends to have a strong visual component. A woman's features, body type, way of carrying herself, and overall appearance all strongly contribute to how attracted a man feels toward her. Against this backdrop, he may start to feel emotionally connected to her. When a woman enhances her appearance with a bit of make-up or a new hairstyle, he feels even more attracted. (We've observed that most women are "wired" differently. A woman who has started to feel an emotional connection with someone she's dating may only need to find one or two of his features appealing, such as his eyes or his smile, in order to feel attracted to him.)

We're not telling you to accede to this man’s request. However, it is worthwhile for you to talk to him about it and find out why he'd like you to wear make-up. To him, it may not be much different than you telling him, "I know that sometimes you go a few days without shaving, but I prefer it when you're clean-shaven."

If he tells you that he likes it when a woman wears make-up, or says he thinks you'll look very pretty when you're wearing it, you may want to think about trying it when the two of you go out, just because you'd like to make him happy. A little mascara, lipstick, and perhaps some blush may be enough to do the trick – most young women don't need more than that.

Think about why you are so strongly opposed to wearing make-up.

It would also help you to think about why you are so strongly opposed to wearing make-up. Could it be that when you think of make-up, you envision layers of clog-blocking foundation and heavy, extreme-looking eye treatments? Do you associate wearing make-up with being artificial? Are you uncomfortable with the idea of enhancing your looks in order to look more attractive? Do you feel that using make-up obscures who you really are? Understanding why you feel the way you do may help you decide what to do about his request.

It also might help to know that cosmetics aren't a phenomenon that was created by the beauty industry. While the majority of women in the Western world wear make-up today, we've been doing so since biblical times. Even during the period of harsh slavery in ancient Egypt, the Jewish women used copper mirrors to adorn themselves for their husbands when they returned home, exhausted from their slave labor, and thus ensured the continuity of the Jewish people. When the Jewish women later donated these mirrors to the construction of the Tabernacle, God considered them as sacred gifts.

As a final word, we’ll mention that sometimes, a man will have other motives for asking his date to wear make-up or dress in a different style. He may be controlling, and trying to mold her into his own image of what he wants her to be. If this man starts telling you what to do in your spare time or which friends you can see, the relationship may be developing in an unhealthy direction. In such a case, we'd urge you to look more carefully into his motives and expectations, and speak to a trusted mentor, before continuing further in this relationship.

We wish you success in navigating the dating maze,

Rosie & Sherry

Published: January 5, 2013


Give Tzedakah! Help Aish.com create inspiring
articles, videos and blogs featuring timeless Jewish wisdom.

Submit Your Dating Advice Question (Click here)

Visitor Comments: 52

(34) Alex, January 21, 2013 5:18 AM

health reasons?

Just a note to Rosie and Sherry. I think you missed something crucial that was mentioned in the letter. It sounds to me like part of why Tricia does not wear makeup is for health reasons. There is a considerable amount of controversy over the long term toxicological effects of many ingredients in cosmetics and to err on the side of caution is not a bad thing. There are also some environmental reasons not to wear makeup or use other superfluous products. It sounds more to me like it's a lifestyle issue vs a gender standards issue.

(33) Anonymous, January 17, 2013 4:18 PM

Why so much negativity?

I can see why the writer wrote in. This seems to be a very volatile subject. I also think that Rosie and Sherry answered it very wisely and cautiously. I am surprised at the amount of negativity. Why is his request so outrageous? Would there have been the same reaction if a friend (male or female) had suggested wearing a more flattering style of clothes? (Notice I did not say more provocative.) Or noted that a particular color looks good on them and they should wear it more? Many times I have been told that I am beautiful. Unfortunately, while I was growing up I learned it was better to attract as little attention as possible. To me wearing make-up is looking for attention. Most of the time I do not wear any at all. Today, it is mostly from laziness. On the few occasions that I do wear some lipstick and mascara people always comment that I should always wear them. “Not that you don’t look good with out – just this highlights and you look a lot better”. My cousin calls it a dash of “Health”. My husband is the first to tell me that I am beautiful and should do what feels comfortable. But he also has noted that when I do wear make-up I look better. When we go to a special occasion I go all out (foundation, eye shadow, blush, etc…). The SMILE and WOW that I get from him is worth the time and effort. I have learned to be comfortable with all that make-up – for a short while. There is nothing wrong – actually there is everything right – about doing something to make an important person in your life happy. As advised, don’t be negative just be cautious and discuss where this request is coming from. We should always have pride in how we look and should continue to explore how we can look better. (I don’t mean being thinner/younger/ blonder/etc…) Everyone loves getting a compliment – even about something as “shallow” as how we look.

(32) Anonymous, January 17, 2013 10:46 AM

I too hate makeup

I don't wear makeup - I don't like drawing extra attention to myself. I feel dirty when I have worn it (on purim or school plays) -and please don't tell me there are more and less greasy products out there - it makes no difference. Every single guy i dated wanted me to wear makeup, while women so often told me I didn't need it. These guys had never seen me in make-up, were attracted to me nevertheless, and yet wanted me to conform to a standard they saw as being universal. Do I change for the next guy? Do I do something I feel uncomfortable with both physically and emotionally just to snag a guy who I want to be attracted to more than my face? Yes, bH, I'm as pretty as most of the girls around me...maybe if I didn't feel like that it would change my views. I don't know. But then again, I'm not getting any younger…maybe I should paint my face after all and I'll be lucky enough to find a guy who will hopefully appreciate my insides too. (having a cynical moment...scuze me)

Anonymous, November 14, 2013 3:20 AM

NONE OF HIS BUSINESS

If you don't want to wear make up, don't. It's bad for your face too. It makes you get wrinkles. Also if the guy you're dating wants you to wear make up, he likes you for your looks, not who you are. And THAT will not be a healthy relationship. Your face, your business. Ignore ignorant men.

(31) Esti, January 16, 2013 10:06 PM

Make up is not the issue

A woman should be able to wear as much or as little makeup as she wishes. That is her decision. She should be suspicious of any man who tries to dictate what clothes or makeup she should wear. The issue is control and not makeup. I myself will not go out of the house without my makeup on. I usually apply it with an airbrush, and have an extra airbrush in my office so I can totally reapply it during the day. But that is my choice. My husband respects my choice. A woman who chooses to not wear makeup should not have to, and her husband or date should respect her choice.

See All Comments

Submit Your Comment:

  • Display my name?

  • Your email address is kept private. Our editor needs it in case we have a question about your comment.


  • * required field 2000
Submit Comment
stub
Sign up today!