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Dear Rosie & Sherry,
I have a younger sister who is very talented and well-liked. She is now dating someone seriously. I know this guy personally and think he is an all-around incredible person. So I am very excited for her and hope this works out.
At the same time, I have reservations. As a family member, I know a side of my sister that outsiders don't see. She is very insecure to the point of paranoia, suspecting everyone close to her of trying to undermine her. She has alienated all of her family members to the point that we tiptoe around her emotionally for fear of either an explosion or the passive-aggressive silent treatment.
It is most likely that my sister's issues will play out in a marriage. Yet she insists that the “real her” is the one that everyone admires, and she claims that we underestimate her. I certainly don't want to stand in the way of her getting married. Yet, frankly, I feel very bad for this guy.
I would love her to get counseling, but she refuses to even entertain the suggestion.
My question is: What can I do to help ensure she has a happy marriage?
Monica
Rosie and Sherry's Answer:
Dear Monica,
We understand the dilemma you’re facing. You’re concerned about how your sister’s less-than-pleasant ways of relating to your family may affect the relationship with this man she may marry. She hasn’t been receptive to suggestions to get the help you feel she needs to cope better with life, and you’re afraid that without it, her marriage will suffer. You don’t want to stand by and watch a potential disaster unfold, but you don’t know how to reach her.
The first question is whether your concerns are valid. After all, outside of your family, your sister seems to be a lovely, well-adjusted young woman – in sharp contrast to the needy, distrustful, temperamental person she acts like in front of her family. Which is the “real” her? Can she continue to keep her unpleasant side “in check” when she’s not with her immediate family?
Most of us display different personas, or aspects of our personalities, depending on whom we are interacting with at a particular time. That’s why your sister can be the warm, personable, giving and cooperative young woman that her friends hold in high regard, and display less pleasant character traits when relating to her family.
Family members may have undermined her efforts or betrayed her trust.
What your sister doesn’t realize is that all these traits comprise who she is. She may think that she only acts in a less-than-pleasant manner with her family, and would never do the same with other people. To some degree, that’s probably true. Many of a person’s unpleasant ways can be unique to the family dynamic. For example, sisters who fight each other “like cats and dogs” quite possibly never act that way with others.
It’s also likely that your sister’s insecurity and the distrust she feels toward family members have some basis in your shared family history. There may have been times when she felt deprived of the love, attention or support that she needed or wanted, and developed an expectation that this would often be the case. In the past, some family members may have undermined her efforts or betrayed her trust. Or they may have given her inconsistent messages – such as a parent praising a grade your sister received, and in the next breath complaining that she doesn't have any common sense in other areas of life. She may have learned to protect herself from hurt feelings by telling herself that her family can’t be relied upon or trusted. She may be harboring feelings of anger or resentment – and easily lash out at family members – because she hasn’t worked through those feelings.
Emotional Triggers
You’ve told us that your sister doesn’t feel that she needs help in this area, because she genuinely believes that she only behaves in a certain way with her family. What she doesn’t realize is that these behaviors can spill over into other areas in the future – because these behaviors have become part of her arsenal of coping and reacting mechanisms. It’s easy to hold them in check if a friendship doesn’t get too intense, or when she’s dating someone a few times a week for a few hours at a time.
However, if she’s under stress, or someone she cares about innocently does something that triggers those unpleasant feelings of being betrayal and disappointment, she may react in a way most familiar to her. She may believe this will never happen, and she certainly doesn’t want to act this way. But unless she has learned a healthier way to react to these triggers, she may not have much control over her reactions when those buttons are pushed.
That's why it's important for your sister to speak to someone who can help her address the underlying feelings that contribute to her behavior and develop new tools to deal with them. This can be a cognitive behavioral therapist, or a psychotherapist who specializes in helping clients develop relationship skills. Your sister will learn healthier ways to react when someone disappoints or upsets her. This will unquestionably have a positive effect on her marriage and on her relationship with your family.
She needs to find healthy ways to process her negative emotional triggers.
However, we don’t think that you’re the right person to discuss this with your sister. She won’t “hear” what anyone in the family tells her – because she believes that you do not value who she “really” is. You’re better off thinking of someone she respects and who likewise holds her in high regard. It may be someone who is aware of your family dynamic and understands why she displays one persona with your family and another with outsiders. This person will be in the best position to influence her to find healthy ways to process her negative emotional triggers.
The person who speaks with her should also encourage her to see the man she is dating in different venues, so that they can see different sides of each other and how they react in different situations. They should also take a few “day-long dates,” where the factors of hunger and fatigue may bring some issues to the fore. This will give her added incentive to address her issues, because she will have a difficult time hiding them in all situations.
Perhaps most important, this person should strongly recommend that if she becomes engaged, she and her fiance attend any one of the fine marriage preparation workshops (such as the Shalom Workshop in New York, or Prepare and Enrich worldwide) that we anyway feel should be mandatory for every engaged or newly-married couple.
After your sister has been presented with the idea that learning healthier ways to interact will be good for her marriage and personal life, you have to step back. If she’s not receptive to the suggestions, understand that you can only intervene so much. (For example, in this particular situation, we don’t recommend that you tell the man she’s dating about her difficulties.) And if she agrees to get help, it’s she who will have to do the work. You can show her love and support, no matter what she chooses. But whatever the case, she and the man she is dating will need the clarity to figure out if they are right for each other, and then gain the tools to work together to build a flourishing relationship.
Rosie & Sherry
_(english).jpg "Dating Advice #275 - Sister's Mistake")
_(english).gif "Dating Advice #20 - Conversational Concerns")
_(english).gif "Dating Advice #154 - Engagement Freak-Out!")
_(english).gif "Dating Advice #124 - Engagement Panic")
(15) Anonymous, February 16, 2013 2:17 PM
let the pros handle it
I'm not familiar with how Jewish marriages work. Is it normal for the rabbi/minister at some point to ask all the witnesses if there is any good reason at all to oppose union or forever hold your peace? That would be a good time to bring all this up! Since the family would be present they can join in, like an intervention! =) Marriage is adult business so make sure to bring up stuff from childhood. Failing that having a pre-marriage counselor or matchmaker should be reasonable and is a pretty normal thing to do.
Rivka D, February 25, 2013 2:22 AM
no way to "let the pros handle it"
There is nopoint at a Jewish wedding where thosde present are asked if there is any objection. It is assumed that any such issues have been dealt with previously.
(14) Julius, February 8, 2013 4:30 PM
Big red flag
I have been reading (and teaching from) the articles on dating and marriage from Aish.com for two years now. Those articles usually tell us to observe the interaction in the family as an indication of how we can expect to be treated in a marriage relationship. I feel sorry for that young man. The author is justified in her concern for him. I agree with a previous comment, suggesting the Rabbi in charge of the wedding be informed.
(13) Fay, February 7, 2013 4:16 PM
She may have a personality disorder.
Since the author is happily married, obviously she isn't jealous! It's highly unusual for one who behaves poorly at home to be a "perfect" wife. People don't say anything when guys and/or girls get married with obvious flaws because "let her decide," etc. The sister needs major counseling now. Divorce rates have gone up because spouses are not willing to live with abusive type behaviors anymore.
(12) Ayala, February 5, 2013 8:17 PM
Please do something!
My husband, may he be well, is a wonderful man to all. Except his immediate family. I noticed this while we were engaged, however I was in love with him, and as he told me "I would NEVER hurt you." Well, thats not exactly what happened. His low self esteem and inability to deal with people he is around 24/7 (aka- immediate family only) has almost led to divorce. Thank G-d, through incredible hard work on both our parts, we are on the road to a better marriage, BUT every day I ask myself- how could his family have allowed him to date? how could they have allowed him to get married? and why did know one warn me or tell us to go to counseling together (not to break off the shidduch, just to give a heads up and some prevention.) They knew- he acts this way when at home, with his parents and siblings, ONLY WHEN NO ONE IS AROUND. and it is not his family's doing- it is his nature. To the comments- You are all clueless and way to politically correct. You obviously have no understanding of psychology and such situations. You can tell by the way the letter is written that the author loves her sister and is trully concerned. And the personality of her sister is very common- talented people are loved on the outside so they are not forced to work on themselves neccessarily. And even if it is a family problem- when you get married you project ALL you problems with your family onto your husband. So it turns out- its the same concern. To the author- a word of advice I was given when asking about a shidduch that had the potential to turn sour- call up the Rabbi in charge of the wedding and explain the situation to him. Then have him let the couple know that it is standard protocol to go to couples counseling BEFORE the wedding. He will not oversee the wedding unless this is done, as a much needed precaution nowadays. Gluck and I applaud your concern and obvious love for your sister.