Dating Maze #386: Overweight and Under-Appreciated
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Dating Maze #386: Overweight and Under-Appreciated
Dating Advice 386

Dating Maze #386: Overweight and Under-Appreciated

Why can’t guys get past the way I look?

by

Dear Rosie & Sherry,

I would love to get married, but finding guys willing to date a heavy-set woman has proven difficult. All the guys who get suggested to me, or who contact me through dating sites, are either fat, shlubby, or have some type of disability.

Though I try to lose weight, I believe that my future husband needs to accept me as I am now, not what I hope to be in a few months/years. Unfortunately, that isn't happening. I recently spoke online to a few nice guys, but when each of them saw my picture they immediately lost interest in continuing.

I have nothing against people who are fat or disabled, and I try to look past those issues. But I admit that, sometimes, I can also be shallow and tend to say yes or no based solely on looks. Still, I am frustrated by the fact that I don’t get considered by ordinary, nice guys.

What really bothers me is having to send a photo to online dating sites. A photo isn't the person – and for someone like myself who isn’t that photogenic, I make a much better impression face-to-face. I've had many experiences where a man and I hit it off online, and sometimes even go so far as to set up a date, but once he saw my photo he said, "Forget it, I don't think it will work."

I have a nice personality and many good qualities, but few men take the chance of getting to know me because they insist on a photo preview that doesn't capture who I really am. Especially with the ongoing "singles’ crisis," how can we convince people that it isn't fair to accept or reject someone solely on the basis of their looks?

Jenine

Rosie Einhorn, L.C.S.W. and Sherry Zimmerman, J.D., M.Sc.

Rosie and Sherry's Answer:

Dear Jenine,

You've raised two questions that come up frequently – why do plus-sized men and women get rejected so often as potential dates, and why do so many daters make snap decisions about whether or not to date someone because they don't like what they see in a photograph.

We agree that too many dates get rejected solely on the basis of a two-dimensional photograph. It happens all the time – they check out each other's photos on Facebook or an online dating site, and one of them turns down the suggestion, insisting "Not my type". It doesn't matter if the subject of the photo is slender, heavy, plain, well-groomed, or unkempt – if he or she doesn't have “the look” the other person wants, there's not a chance for a date to happen.

Let go of the idealized image of what the “right person” looks like.

And yet, if the two of them were to meet at a friend's dinner table, a business conference, or even a genuine "blind date," they might enjoy the conversation, feel they're making a connection, and decide to continue dating to see if things develop. If they continue to relate well to each other, after a few dates they might start thinking, "He's really handsome," "She's really pretty," "I love her smile," or "His hair is thinning, but I still think he's cute."

Why the turnaround? Once two people feel comfortable with each other's personalities and get a sense that they have compatible values and outlooks, they're able to let go of their idealized image of what the right person should look like. Their preferences become less important, and the other person's looks can begin to "grow" on them.

There's a big qualifier here. We've seen this happen time and time again – but only when the daters are "okay" about each others’ appearance when they first meet. It never happens when one of them has a strong negative reaction to the other person's looks.

Professional Help

So what is the role of photographs in all this? We see them more as tools to get objective information about someone's height, build, coloring, features, and style of dress – on the day the picture was taken, but that's all.

Someone you might find attractive in "real life" may not look good in a photo, because it distorts his features and doesn't reflect his inner qualities. The "chemistry" that can develop in a face-to-face meeting is a product of how you connect to each other's personalities, sense of humor, mannerisms, self-expression, and thought processes. If you reject someone because his photo doesn't excite you, you may miss out on the opportunity to meet a great match.

So should you hold back on providing a photo? Unfortunately, if a prospective date doesn’t see your photo on a dating website, they'll look for one on Facebook, LinkedIn, and other social networking sites. That's why it doesn't make sense to hold back your photo, to send out one you hate and tell the recipient "I'm not photogenic," or to post unflattering pictures.

Instead, make an investment in a professional, flattering photo. Someone who has broken teeth, a skin condition, or looks messy and unkempt can get help correct these problems. Hire a stylist to help you find a flattering hairstyle, clothing, and for women – make-up. (Most people feel better about themselves after a "makeover", and they project a sense of confidence and self-comfort that makes them appealing to others. Why shouldn't you feel this way more often?)

That may make the difference between a "yes" and a "no" from a prospective dater. (Think of the photos of the men you turned down and compare them to the photos of the men you agreed to date – which men looked neat, put-together, and confident?) The men who say "yes" to you are, invariably, going to be men who either prefer a fuller-figured woman or who are comfortable with your size.

Working Harder

To be blunt, a man who strongly prefers more slender women will not factor in your other qualities and decide to take a chance.

And we don't think he should, for a very practical reason. Remember how we talked about how attraction can develop when people start out feeling "okay" with each other's appearance? "Okay" is the operative word. Someone turned off by the way another person looks, whether it is weight, a feature he dislikes, or an easily addressed quality such as unkempt appearance or poor personal hygiene, will not become attracted to her even if she has an amazing personality and is a great match for him in other respects. It just won't happen.

We agree with you that a man should appreciate you for who you are. But, he also has to be physically attracted. Without that attraction, a man and a woman can have a friendship. But they can't have a romantic relationship. And they certainly can't have a healthy marriage.

At other times in history, a fuller figure was a sign of beauty.

Judaism recognizes how essential physical attraction is in dating and marriage. Even the laws of mourning for a close relative reflect this. During the seven days of shiva, when family members are not supposed to be concerned about their appearance, "marriageable" young women and new brides may wear make-up. If being attractive to a prospective or actual marriage partner is important even during mourning, think how important it must be all of the time.

Contemporary society has conditioned many of us to associate slimness with “beauty,” and many men today are not attracted to heavy-set women. At other times in history, a fuller figure was a sign of beauty. There isn't much you can do to change these preferences. Instead, it may help to understand that you don't have to appeal to dozens of men – you just have to appeal to the one who is right for you, among those men open to dating a heavy-set woman.

To find that man, you may need to work harder at networking than your slimmer friends. Don't only rely on Internet dating sites – ask your friends, co-workers, and relatives for suggestions. Don't hide the fact that you're a plus-size woman from potential dating partners. Instead, take good care of yourself and make the most of your appearance so you can be attractive to the one man who will count. You can do that by exercising regularly, eating healthily, and always wearing flattering clothes, a becoming hairstyle, and make-up.

We don't feel it is our place to tell overweight daters to diet. That's a very personal choice, and losing weight is no guarantee that you'll meet Mr. Right. Since people of all shapes and sizes get married, you may find the right person without losing an ounce. However, you have to be realistic. The heavier you are, the fewer men will find you attractive. A man who likes "pleasantly plump" women might be turned off by someone who is borderline obese.

Whether you decide to lose weight, or stay where you are, we hope that you will try to look and feel attractive, and that you will soon meet a man who can appreciate both your inner and outer beauty.

Wishing you success in navigating the dating maze,

Rosie & Sherry

Published: August 24, 2013

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Visitor Comments: 36

(29) Anonymous, June 5, 2014 2:52 PM

What's good for the goose is good for the gander

Did anybody notice her first paragraph? She rejects men who are fat, schlubby or disabled. She apparently believes that it's ok for her to reject men who are fat, but not ok for the men to reject her for the same reason. She should start looking for a man by caring about what they want to too.

(28) Anonymous, May 1, 2014 2:27 PM

Goose and Gander

I noted comments here which were surprised you were "large" yourself but would not consider someone large. Attraction is important and if all you have to go on is a less than spontaneous profile cobbled together with the briefest and often heavily edited overview, it's your picture that speaks the other thousand words. I agree you should try and make the best of yourself, but also use a picture that looks like you, so either continue to be groomed as you are for your photoshoot or don't bother too much because the person you meet should not have to be disappointed, and staying real matters. Lastly, I am a former "fat girl". Not huge, but big enough to be called fat and know it was true. It defined my entire life and led me to compromise my life and choices in areas where I never should have, just because we are human and our appearance matters. Three years ago I had weight loss surgery, my life transformed. If you are so committed to finding someone and want to expand your options, maybe it's time to invest in understanding why you are larger, does it bother you and if so, what your options for changing are. I have to say my heart goes out to you - all the people who would say "you have a pretty face" but were set against me ever having the surgery ("oh it's dangerous" - like being fat and lonely isn't?) I hope you find the man of your dreams and may hashem give you comfort and laughter along the way.

(27) jess, April 9, 2014 2:40 AM

velveteen rabbit, what is real

Jenine, please girl. you are worrying about something that is not a problem. The important thing is to love yourself. when you love yourself others cant help but love you. Don't think about those who see your picture and (as you say, lose interest). this is how you narrow the field to find the real diamond. Give the velveteen rabbit a read. People (friends, husbands, others), are looking for real people. Know yourself and be authentic. This is a winning combination regardless of exterior. Please jenine, be happy. Cease from the unhappiness. You have a great deal to be thankful for.

(26) Rachel, October 18, 2013 8:25 AM

keep first meetings short

Eli,

Want the perspective of a woman who's been married long enough that her son is almost your age?

I have noticed that most people who are fortunate enough to marry in their early 20s meet through their (or their parents') social circles so they have a great deal in common, and/or have very magnetic personalities and/or appearances (making the aforementioned social networks more likely).. From the reactions your describing, you don't seem to have either right now so it will probably take you longer.

Meanwhile, you may be able to speed the process by polishing up your external image and social skills. Based on your writing style, you likely come across as too formal and awkward Try to observe how men who are developing and your ability.

(25) Anonymous, October 10, 2013 10:46 PM

Even fat people get married.

There are plenty of overweight married people in this world. I believe the online dating thing allows people to be more superficial in their search for mates. I am single and healthy but also overweight. I want my b'shert to be accepting of all of me whether I am thick or thin. I think getting to that connection with someone is key.

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