click here to jump to start of article
Join Our Newsletter

Get latest articles and videos with Jewish inspiration and insights​




3 Tips for a Sweet Dating New Year

3 Tips for a Sweet Dating New Year

A few ideas for finding your bashert.

by

Have frustrating dates and relationships caused you put up walls of defense around your heart? Have you lost touch with your inner sweetness – that vulnerable, innocent, love-filled part of yourself that was once so excited about the possibility of finding your true love?

I want to reassure you, you can turn things around – you can open yourself back up to love. This Rosh Hashanah – this time of renewal and the season of apples and honey – you can make this year your year to find – and enjoy – the sweetest, most satisfying, and uplifting relationship.

3 Things You Can Do Every Day To Tap Into Love and Your Inner Sweetness

1. Do one sweet thing for yourself every single day.

Get out there and do something you love just for the sake of enjoying yourself.

Being sweet to yourself can be very simple. Buy yourself flowers. Go play golf with one of your buddies. Listen to music and let your body move to the groove. Visit a museum by yourself or with your friends.

Sometimes you need a big sweet treat like finally going on that diving adventure or spa vacation.

What does this have to do with letting down your guard and making room for love in your life?

All too often as adults, we spend our time doing what we are “supposed” to be doing – working really hard so that we’re financially successful, trying to prove our worth to others by conforming to the expectations of our family and friends, and doing whatever else we can to look good.

Allowing yourself to feel good and giving yourself even just a few minutes a day to focus on nurturing your soul is so essential and powerful. Giving yourself this sweetness helps dissolve those defenses that are getting in your way of finding love.

Think about it. Is your ideal partner someone who’s closed off, hardened, and untrue to him or herself?

Of course not.

So you’ve got to let yourself embody the very qualities that you find attractive in a mate.

If you’re not true to yourself, you’re not going to be able to attract your true bashert.

So go on. . .give yourself some sweet love every day – no matter how small or how big.

2. Do one sweet thing for someone else every day.

Let yourself experience the joy of giving with no expectation of return. Experiment with allowing yourself to be in the other person’s shoes and thinking about what would make them smile.

Is one of your friends feeling really overwhelmed with juggling the responsibilities of work and taking care of her family? Cooking dinner for her family and sending over an extra meal to stick in the freezer might be just the thing to lift her spirits.

Are there people in your community suffering from hunger? Volunteer once a week at a soup kitchen or start a healthy food drive to make sure all the kids in your area have access to food that nurtures their hearts, minds, and bodies

Love animals? Spend some time helping out at your local animal shelter.

Know a family member who’s feeling lonely? Give him or her a call or get together with them.

Again, you might be wondering what all of this has to do with finding love.

When you’ve been dating for a long time and not meeting with success, you start getting down on yourself. Some part of you enters into the dangerous rut of “Woe is me” thinking, which leads to depressing self-absorption.

Of course, that’s not going to help you find love. Who wants to be with a negative, self-centered person?

So these generous acts of sweetness get you out of this rut and put you back in that wonderful dynamic of giving and receiving, which is what relationships are all about.

Even when you give without the expectation of receiving anything in return, you do get something – you get to give. . .you get to experience this wonderful inner expansion.

It’s awesome, and you should do it every day. Try it. If you’re out there spreading love and joy (instead of inside feeling pity and frustration), you’re so much more likely to meet and attract people who are doing the same thing. . .and one of those people might just be Your One.

3. Be sweet to all of your dates.

Many of us fantasize about finding our perfect match in the quickest, most direct way, but the reality is that finding love doesn’t always work this way.

You might have to go out on many dates before you find the one for you, but you can’t let yourself feel bad about doing your part in the process of finding love.

Being bitter is the last thing you want to be when you’re dating.

The person you’re sitting opposite from on a coffee date might not be the one for you, but you can still treat him or her as a gem.

Every single person is special in his or her own way. They are going to be the right person for someone else. So listen with generosity to what your date has to say. You might never see him or her again, but at least you will have honored the light within them – their special spark. (You might even know someone who would be good for him or her.)

If you feel that your date has potential, share your vision of the future and what is most important to you and then ask “How about you?” Let go of the superficial stuff and get down to the heart of the matter.

When you put these three tips into action, your whole life is going to open up and become richer and sweeter.

You’re going to feel so much more uplifted on your meet-to-marry journey.

I’d love to know one of the sweet things you’re going to do for yourself today or for someone else, so feel free to share or ask questions in the comments.

Published: August 31, 2013


Give Tzedakah! Help Aish.com create inspiring
articles, videos and blogs featuring timeless Jewish wisdom.

Visitor Comments: 7

(5) Anonymous, September 15, 2013 1:12 AM

today, just after Yom Kippur, I just realized how much hardened and untrue with myself I have been in the last year.. and I finally manage to lose a very sweet person which in fact I love a lot... I'm sure that following your suggestions would had make a big difference in my relationship... I'm sure, I want to repeat : be sweet... that's the right thing to do. I'm sure. Now, I'm disappointed by myself... and a bit sad.. I have to start all over again, it seams difficult.. but... Tomorrow I'm going to help to build the communal Sukka' .. that will be my first act of kindness to my friends and myself... I still need a lot more to do.. what else?

miriam, October 10, 2013 2:28 PM

That was a great yet simple start. I'm sure you had a wonderful time. Keep up the sweet work. Someone is always watching...

(4) scott, September 7, 2013 5:09 AM

Don't miss the bus.

As a general set of guidelines to be a decent person, those are good ideas. But they have little to do with finding a spouse.

The idea that that person is simply waiting out there for you is silly. While I do believe that some people are more compatible for you and those compatible people are looking for their mate...they're not waiting. My wife is perfect for me in many ways and when I romanticize things I will say that she is the one... but as a person that spent a lot of time dating and meeting people, I know that there were several people that were compatible. Perhaps more so. But because either I or they weren't in the right frame of mind at the time we missed those buses.

Right frame of mind? .I dated a woman that I was really interested in, but she just wouldn't respond. I ran into her after I got engaged to my wife and she was surprised that I was engaged. Didn't think I was the marrying kind. We talked and it turned out that she had misinterpreted almost everything I said or did in during our meetings. She was juggling a bunch of guys on j-date and starting a business and wasn't really paying attention. It wasn't one of these "I missed the love of my life moments" we never got that far...but it was a wakeup call for her. She let a "good one" get away.

She congratulated me and vowed to herself to pay more attention. To be more present with men she dated. She was engaged four months later. Did she marry? Is she happy? I don't keep up with exes (good rule). I heard about it thought business contacts.

Want to get married? Pay attention. Stop playing games. Listen and talk. Be honest and a little vulnerable. Throw out your preconceived notions about people. Sometimes its a long time between buses so get on and make eye contact with the other passengers. Pay attention.

You might find a ride that lasts you whole life.

(3) Anonymous, September 2, 2013 12:41 AM

Love is a Verb

I read a lot about love, falling in love finding your love. This is a misconception. You need to think of love as a verb. It comes from the aramaic Ahab which means to give. When someone constantly gives to person that is how love comes about. Sorry love is not what you're looking for when you get married, love comes with time after giving to one another over time. What you're looking for is good characteristic traits and shared long time goals. Your article seems to be talking about romance which is a non Jewish concept and deceives many into thinking that if they can't find romance, or are not good romancers they are failures. This is all wrong. I learned the key to getting married many years ago from Rabbi Manes Friedman when he said, if you want to get married you have to stop dating. Dating is often about romance and having a good time having nothing to do with looking for a person with the proper character traits and shared future goals. After I personally dating hundreds over the course of over 15 years, a professional and talented dater, finally two people recommended the same person... kinda set up. I recommend set-ups by people who know you.

(2) Anonymous, September 1, 2013 9:12 PM

Thank you and Question - How to stay positive when others are negative

Thank you for this wonderful article. What a great way to start the year! My question is, the times when I've really tried to embody this type of advice, I will inevitably encounter a guy who is negative, closed-off, self-involved, not serious, etc. Even when the date is over, I have to admit the negativity does bring me down a little. How can I avoid 'absorbing' the other person's negative energy when I'm trying so hard to stay optimistic? Thank you any ideas, and once again for a terrific, warmly written article.

See All Comments

Submit Your Comment:

  • Display my name?

  • Your email address is kept private. Our editor needs it in case we have a question about your comment.


  • * required field 2000
Submit Comment
stub