Vampire Weekend's Surprising Jewish Stories
6 min read
A few ideas for finding your bashert.
Have frustrating dates and relationships caused you put up walls of defense around your heart? Have you lost touch with your inner sweetness – that vulnerable, innocent, love-filled part of yourself that was once so excited about the possibility of finding your true love?
I want to reassure you, you can turn things around – you can open yourself back up to love. This Rosh Hashanah – this time of renewal and the season of apples and honey – you can make this year your year to find – and enjoy – the sweetest, most satisfying, and uplifting relationship.
Get out there and do something you love just for the sake of enjoying yourself.
Being sweet to yourself can be very simple. Buy yourself flowers. Go play golf with one of your buddies. Listen to music and let your body move to the groove. Visit a museum by yourself or with your friends.
Sometimes you need a big sweet treat like finally going on that diving adventure or spa vacation.
What does this have to do with letting down your guard and making room for love in your life?
All too often as adults, we spend our time doing what we are “supposed” to be doing – working really hard so that we’re financially successful, trying to prove our worth to others by conforming to the expectations of our family and friends, and doing whatever else we can to look good.
Allowing yourself to feel good and giving yourself even just a few minutes a day to focus on nurturing your soul is so essential and powerful. Giving yourself this sweetness helps dissolve those defenses that are getting in your way of finding love.
Think about it. Is your ideal partner someone who’s closed off, hardened, and untrue to him or herself?
Of course not.
So you’ve got to let yourself embody the very qualities that you find attractive in a mate.
If you’re not true to yourself, you’re not going to be able to attract your true bashert.
So go on. . .give yourself some sweet love every day – no matter how small or how big.
Let yourself experience the joy of giving with no expectation of return. Experiment with allowing yourself to be in the other person’s shoes and thinking about what would make them smile.
Is one of your friends feeling really overwhelmed with juggling the responsibilities of work and taking care of her family? Cooking dinner for her family and sending over an extra meal to stick in the freezer might be just the thing to lift her spirits.
Are there people in your community suffering from hunger? Volunteer once a week at a soup kitchen or start a healthy food drive to make sure all the kids in your area have access to food that nurtures their hearts, minds, and bodies
Love animals? Spend some time helping out at your local animal shelter.
Know a family member who’s feeling lonely? Give him or her a call or get together with them.
Again, you might be wondering what all of this has to do with finding love.
When you’ve been dating for a long time and not meeting with success, you start getting down on yourself. Some part of you enters into the dangerous rut of “Woe is me” thinking, which leads to depressing self-absorption.
Of course, that’s not going to help you find love. Who wants to be with a negative, self-centered person?
So these generous acts of sweetness get you out of this rut and put you back in that wonderful dynamic of giving and receiving, which is what relationships are all about.
Even when you give without the expectation of receiving anything in return, you do get something – you get to give. . .you get to experience this wonderful inner expansion.
It’s awesome, and you should do it every day. Try it. If you’re out there spreading love and joy (instead of inside feeling pity and frustration), you’re so much more likely to meet and attract people who are doing the same thing. . .and one of those people might just be Your One.
Many of us fantasize about finding our perfect match in the quickest, most direct way, but the reality is that finding love doesn’t always work this way.
You might have to go out on many dates before you find the one for you, but you can’t let yourself feel bad about doing your part in the process of finding love.
Being bitter is the last thing you want to be when you’re dating.
The person you’re sitting opposite from on a coffee date might not be the one for you, but you can still treat him or her as a gem.
Every single person is special in his or her own way. They are going to be the right person for someone else. So listen with generosity to what your date has to say. You might never see him or her again, but at least you will have honored the light within them – their special spark. (You might even know someone who would be good for him or her.)
If you feel that your date has potential, share your vision of the future and what is most important to you and then ask “How about you?” Let go of the superficial stuff and get down to the heart of the matter.
When you put these three tips into action, your whole life is going to open up and become richer and sweeter.
You’re going to feel so much more uplifted on your meet-to-marry journey.
I’d love to know one of the sweet things you’re going to do for yourself today or for someone else, so feel free to share or ask questions in the comments.
