Stuck Being Single

Hi Rebecca, My name is Shari and I feel the exact same way as you do. You wrote beautifully and i completely agree with everything you wrote. What really caught my eye is the fact that you live in Israel. I moved to Israel too! I've been here for a year and a half already - and - still single...but I'm a regular girl in my late 20s looking for love. if you would like to talk and get to know one another, Please let me know! I'd love to meet someone who is in the same boat as me. All the friends I've met in Israel have all found a boyfriend, so once again I find myself not only single but lonely too. I have some single friends but I'd love to have some more. It would be great to talk. Please let me know if you'd like to get in contact. Shari

Your sentiments are mine. I'm a 29 year old woman and I often wonder the same things. I cannot rush God and His time, as it is perfect, but there is a desire to have a family to love and I guess when He sees fit, it'll come to fruition. Until then, there's the constant doubting of self (is something wrong with me?) and so on. Then again, many ladies I know are not always genuinely happy with marriage when they rush to the altar and not wait on God to send them the one.

Very poignant and thoughtful commentary of what so many people go through. Both women and men. I am a decent looking male with a good career and varied interests, and yet, I feel sometimes like I will be 'stuck single' forever. And I question the same things you do, why was I made a 'giver' when I have nobody to give anything to? It makes me cynical and I feel it is a constant battle to not just accept that feeling.

i could have written this word for word myself. it helps to know others feel the same. may we grow from this pain and may it end quickly!

Oh Rebecca, I could have written that word for word...I'm so glad you did. Thank you for sharing it. My faith has had a little nudge. It may not be much consolation but you are not alone in your pain and confusion and you are very blessed with your cheerful dispostion. I will remember you in my prayers.

OK so I have recently hear of three women who just gave birth for the first time at age 45 without serious complications to their pregnancies or birthing experiences. So what you must do is just LET IT GO, stop the Shidduchim, stop LOOKING and just love yourself and pray. Dead end Shidduchim are so, so depressing, anyone would want to throw in the towel. So just leave everything up to the divine and work on REALLY loving yourself, and being the love you want to be, and the rest will magically work out. No do not give up, just stop trying so hard. You cannot make love happen. It will happen, if you concentrate on your GRATITUDE. Thus raising your vibration and the universe will match that. Even our Rabbi's daughter had her first child at age 45, and now has two babies! Keep your faith, and chin up, and decline any doubtful Shidduchim, quit scraping the bottom of the barrel. And go out and provide help to the sick or elderly instead, and warm them up with your smile. Bahavah Divora

What you experienced is so similar with mine before, I feel it for you, for that was my situation years ago. One day in a very down mood, I prayed to G-d, if so you think is best for me, let me stay single, but honestly I don't know how I will handle that, You have to lift me up. Not long from there, I met the right man, in whom many of my dreamed aspects of a idea husband were found. I marriage at the age of 43. I hope and pray that you don't have to wait so long.

A good marriage is to be admired, but there are plenty of complaints about other marriages. The woman working 20-25 hours a week, taking care of 3-4 kids, and then a house confesses to being overwhelmed and sometimes resentful, and longs for an hour to read a book or take a warm bath. My cousin was an attractive woman who found fulfillment in an exciting career, traveling around the world, and then married a nice man when she was 50. I think you have to be careful about envy, and enjoy your life as it it.

Dear Rebecca, Stay strong and continue being happy. B'ezrat Hashem the right one will show up at your doorstep when G-d decides it to be. Criticism is so painful when in ANY situation where you know you are trying your best. I dated for a long 11 years and my dates werent all "kind". My husband is, bH. I moved 7 times for shidduchim...he lived in my hometown for all his life. G-d is the only shadchan and I can tell you, with all of the challenges that come along with marriage, I remember EVERY DAY how lonely and alone I was- even when I had a good job and was surrounded by great friends. I hope I use that pain only to pray for others. May Hashem bring you more than you ever wished for at the right time SOON!

My dear Rebecca Oh how I commend you for allowing yourself to be vulnerable to others' judgements and oh how I abhor those who think they can make those judgements (some sound advice to meet your guy?? SERIOUSLY?!). No one knows what it's like to be looking for the mate of your soul for too long unless you're going through it or have gone through it. And no one knows what we have to put up with to continue yearning and hoping. That people think they can give you advice such as "consider the fellows who are not perfect" (wait, what, you hadn't thought of that??) or suggest that your indepence is more important to you when you so clearly express the ardent desire to meet someone is beyond the pale insulting and demeaning. The hardest part about being single and sans kids at my age (I just turned 40 a few days ago) is not being single and sans kids; I am blessed in so many other ways and lead a very active life full of meaning. It is the implied and expressed judgements that are made about who I am--or must not be--for not having met someone with whom I can build a life. Bravo for having the courage to share yourself in this way.

I understand your situation as mine is rather similar. I too have a productive life with lots of great experiences but feel like I am missing out on the most important experience-being a Jewish wife and mother. The only advice I can give is that which I am trying to follow myself: consider this the training period before marriage and children. Work on your emuna (I particularly recommend R'Arush's book translated by R'Brody "The Garden of Emuna"), listen to shiurim on educating and raising children and on shalom bayit even if it makes your heart ache, and work on developing your potential in all areas, so that when you do b'ezrat Hashem become a wife and a mother, you will have that much more wisdom under your belt to teach to your children and to help you deal with any challenges. May Hashem send you your bashert at the right time for both of you.

Or is her independence, the ability to improvise on the drop of a hat, more important? Am I the only one confused here?

what part of what she wrote makes you confused? would it be clear to you if she was crying in her room all day?

Rebecca is looking at the god she has in her life and at the moment these are some of those things, please don't undermine her pain and struggle

My dear gal, you should start to consider the fellows who are not the "perfect" ones. Consider a person who is lacking a bit in the hair department, or is not as tall as you would like. Remember, if you are looking for a fellow who you think is a ten, he will think he is an eleven and not worth your efforts. Focus on the inner, not outer qualities. Have you tried computer sites that match couples? I met my husband through the personal ads (today's version of computer dating). Ask friends, relatives, or acquaintances fix you up. Dating is like a job....keeping playing the numbers, and sooner or later you Hit.....it only takes ONE. Be patient, when you are ready, it will happen. But above all, do not appear desperate....that is a no, no because it doesn't entice a prospective mate. Keep busy, volunteer, join groups...trust me...it will happen!

Why do you assume that she, or anyone who hasn't found their mate is focusing only on superficial aspects of men? I have dated too many men who are simply inappropriate. I never judged anyone's appearance, nor do I think that I 'deserve' a '10'. I simply want someone who is appropriate for me, as does every other single. That you finally HIT means that H-shem meant for it to happen for you. You can't guarantee that she or anyone else will be successful at finding their bashert, unless you somehow know the ratzon H-shem. There are many women who have been dating since they were 19, doing everything in their power, without success. On the other hand, too many people jump to marry out of fear they will remain single, who live unhappy lives with spouses they never really connected with, raising children who are suffering. Divorce in the frum Jewish world is no less these days than in secular circles, and too many children are paying the price. Many people, including shadchanim, have told me that many men are not of the same caliber as women, whether intellectually, or midos, yet these men think they are too good for us. I would rather remain single than marry a man who is divorced 3 or 4 (or more) times. These days, anyone can end up divorced once, but a man who is a serial divorcer is a greater risk than staying single.

Nancy, you may not have noticed that this article was written a few years ago and, since then, I have, thank Gd, found a wonderful man and we are very happily married. I am assuming that you did not mean to be, but --wow!-- does your comment come across as condescending ("my dear gal" - really?), unfeeling, and, frankly, ignorant. I hope to the Heavens Above that you *never* react thusly to the older singles you know. Do you really feel comfortable making the assumptions about me that you did? It took me a long time because I was excessively picky (I wasn't - believe me)? That I didn't make enough of an effort (there isn't a website I wasn't on, a shadchanit I didn't visit, nor did I fail to mention to everyone--friend, business colleague, or the guy at the local store--that I was single and looking). Thank Gd, I was neither bitter nor desperate. I had a full, happy life filled with professional and spiritual accomplishments, wonderful friends, and all manner of blessings -- but the one area that felt the most significant wasn't there and the reality is that I could not change it. The anonymous who also responded lays out the reality than dating is hard and people, especially women, do everything "right" and can't find the right guy. Why don't you respond with compassion? You try being single and looking for a decade plus and keeping a good attitude. You try being the person for whom holidays and Shabbat are reminders of what's missing rather than a time to relax with what you have. You try being hopeful and then disappointed over and over and over, and yet finding the strength to try again. The are thousands of Jewish men and women who do it. Rather than enumerating--from the outside--what you perceive to be their short-comings (based on nothing more than your ungenerous assumptions), why not go out and find some singles and invite them to your Shabbat table? Or pray for them? And, be very grateful that you have what they don't.

Excellent response Rebecca. So glad you found your mate. But, Nancy choosing to write "my dear gal" in commenting is not condescending at all. There are many people that do not assume that everyone should be approached by the casualness of a first name. In fact, the phrase "my dear so and so" is usually used to express the opposite, that is, to express a loving respect to the person being addressed. One last note, Aish.com often reprints articles with current dates even though the articles are much older. Sometimes, the only way to tell is to read the date of the comments.

It is so helpful to hear this. From someone in the same position, b'ezrat Hashem each one should find her/his bashert at the right time.

I genuinely understand much of both the pain and joy you express. Neither are exclusive to a particular gender. The question you may not have grappled with is “whom you were put on Earth to serve”? Get beyond yourself and give to others to ameliorate their needs, including bring joy into their lives. Note that our eyes look outward. Open them and give freely beyond yourself. Give freely to others without any reservations or consideration of self. Forget about providing your efforts or resources as an investment in them because the latter ultimately bears a sense of obligation in them and disappointment to you, especially because no one else knows how to really thank you. If there is someone for you in the greater scheme of things they will be serendipitously revealed in the midst of your giving. Also realize that loneliness and being alone are dichotomous. Enough introspective groaning (already). Get on with life.

"Get beyond yourself and give to others to ameliorate their needs, including bring joy into their lives." You write with the assumption that she doesn't give to people freely, even though there is nothing in the article suggesting that she doesn't bring joy to people or give to people. Ironically you talk about giving freely while sharing a comment that's utterly obtuse and insensitive. Your closing line is particularly silly - of course she "gets on with life"; that's what daily living is all about and she acknowledged that in many ways she's fulfilled. Seriously, I wonder if you even read the whole article.

Thank you for writing this. It will undoubtedly be little consolation but for what it's worth you are not alone. There are many who are out there who feel like we somehow managed to miss the train. Some of us don't have everything else in life working out smoothly either. It helps to focus on the positive, take one day at a time, concentrate on personal goals and most of all trust that what is meant to be will be.

Dear Rebecca, You expressed my sentiments exactly - but never stop yearning. Wanting marriage and kids isn't natural, if it was, Hashem wouldn't have made it the first commandment to Adam and Havah. I also enjoy the single life, working, coming home to read magazines and have mom make dinner (am 37) but then I feel empty again. Especially after two years with a man I was sure is my soul mate, and even with our issues, I thought, well everyone has issues, so at least I know how to deal with these. But I see Hashem doesn't want these issues for me..and you're not bitter for your age is a horrid remark. Being married at 21 is not an accomplishment; it's waiting for the one you truly want to wake up to that is admirable. All we can do is pray and remember, those who want to get married do, so want and pray and mingle/jdate/frumster. Ask everyone to set you up. You will be married1

Dear Rosa, It is still not too late. There are lots of guys that are looking for women your age. So Look for them, and find the one for you and have children immediately. You do your part and Hashem will do his. Good Luck.

I wanted to be single my whole life but the more religious I got, the less I wanted it. Now as I am observant there are no appropriate men available for me to date in town. I live in a small town in Africa and now am at a stage where I have to look outside my town or outside my country. As an older single, it is true that we can be sidelined, but only if we allow it to be. You can get involved in many, many appropriate ways. I believe that not everyone marries as Hashem's plan is that we are more available to assist the community than married people in our own way!

I would love to know what age Tammy is. Our son moved to Israel about a year ago, and is having a difficult time meeting the right girl. If you are under thirty maybe you are her!

Dear Rebecca I was once like this, trying to find a life partner, but then I decided to stop looking and live my life for myself and do what I wanted to do, and achieve my own goals. And then it happened. I met my spouse by accident. We have been married nearly 38 years. Good luck. Susannah

This is such a powerful article . Thank you for writing it! I was single until a few months ago.....at the age of 48! My husband himself is even older, so it took both of us many long years of sadness and frustration and some very bad relationships to find one another. As I am reading through these comments on here, I find many people (many of them who are married, with children) giving over advice about what all the still-single people should do more of, or should do better, etc. But I don't believe that any of us are doing anything wrong. Hashem has a plan for each of us. A unique plan--and none of us knows what it is. We get all kinds of badgering from society, and family, and friends, and the voices in our heads--about all the things that we are supposed to be doing, and supposed to BE. And in addition to the loneliness of not having met our partner, these voices add to our suspicion that maybe we just aren't lovable enough. But these voices are all wrong. Each and every one of us IS lovable just as we are. Does that mean we are ready to meet our true love at this very moment? Not necessarily. And he/she may not be ready to meet us right now, either. Patience is very very difficult--that is part of having faith. But I also think Hashem is tough enough to take it if we get impatient,angry, frustrated, outraged, etc. also. Sometimes yelling and crying at Hashem is just what we need to do in order to work through that issue that has been holding us back from growing into an amazing. compassionate, loving, giving person......A person who is truly ready to meet their life partner. Each of just just needs to keep moving forward, at our own pace. With all the stumbles that that involves for humans. . . . . When my husband I met, we both knew we would get married to each other. He proposed on our third date, and I immediately said "yes".

I have seen more unhappy or lonely marriages than happy ones. Some of us do not have the personalities that make livnig with a partner easy. And we do not all NATURALLY want children, especially those of us who did not have secure childhoods. Live can be rewarding and satisfying and not at all lonely if one is a private person. Many partners turn out to be less thatn what one would have desired anyway. Accept singleness as just another variation of the modes of being alive. There is not only ONE WAY! And It has been shown that children are not always truly wanted but conceived for cultural expectations and then not fully appreciated.. I have lived a reasonably happy single life, with ups and downs as would happen in any life, many joys and some sorrows. I have lived for these 70 years according to my own nature. There are many contented singles like me who enjoy the company of friends of both sexes! Give up the yearning and accept what life has to offer YOU!

Generally speaking, not an encouraging response. Why should anyone give up "the yearning", if that's what they want? Thankfully, you are content with what life has offered you at age 70; perhaps 3 or 4 decades ago you were not as content. Who knows? When she originally wrote this article, Rebecca clearly felt that something, a husband, was missing from her life. Thankfully today she has what she's always wanted. She didn't just "accept" what life offered her.

I just wanted to say THANK YOU for writing this, for putting everything that I've always wanted to say into words..this article couldn't have come at better time. I read Aish.com every week and this hit home so hard, I had to stop myself from crying twice while I was reading it...Every single word, every single sentence in here couldn't have described and identified the pain better than it did. I feel at a complete loss during the clearest, most comfortable time in my life. It's the irony that I often wonder if even Hashem could unravel for me. So what do we do? How do we stop ourselves from yearning? I not only stopped liking my birthdays now, but I also stopped liking New Year parties now too, both of which used to be the most favorite holidays ever as long as I could remember. New Years celebrations now just mean that this year I'll be one year older, and one year past my prime...the image of a massive big clocks constantly in my sight are unbearable at this point. So the question is simple...what are we to do? (we = us singles).

When I became serious about getting married, I decided that, instead of hunting/waiting for someone new, I would take another, better look at the men I all ready knew. And after about a year of dating one of them, we got married. Getting married and staying married is all about accepting whom you attract and learning to put up with everything and everyone in the marriage. It all is going to be imperfect, including oneself!

I'm experiencing the exact same scenarios, I am told how wonderful my life is, and I have so much to offer, then I leave the presence of my lifelong friends who are all married or engaged and wonder. What is wrong with me? I'm healthy, loving, considerate, great with children, and so much more... but I end up going home alone. I enjoy my home and my field of study is my passion. I look in the mirror, not fat or disheveled, although I am a maven of modesty. Where is the elusive bashert??? I'm just so tired.

While I myself did not date much and I cannot say it was all that long (compare to others) I do understand what you are talking about. We were made to be married and have kids. I urge you to keep davening and don't stop crying while speaking to Hashem b/c the gate of tears is never closed. I would like to tell married w/2 boys that I myself did not even have a good beginning! It was so difficult and terrible since the start and it took a very very very long time to get not good but not so bad!! YET being single and even just thinking that maybe you will not have kids is awful! The singles don't think it's all roses for married people, but we can never understand what it is like to really feel after years have passed that maybe you will not have kids (even if you will end up getting married it could be too late to be able to have kids) I urge everyone to feel for older singles and to care and worry about them very much - even just davening for a friend is a lot b/c OUR one father in heavens is merciful and loving and who knows maybe YOUR prayer could help bring your friend her/his bashert. Hatzlacha to all! a sympathetic married w/3 (may we have many more zera bar kayma)

Some of my single friends have stopped wishing to be a mother or dad and have become single foster parents. You'd have to give up some freedoms, but if mothering is in your heart it would be worth it.

Your article really touched me. It sounds like you have a wonderful life. It is full and that is a good thing. May I say that sometimes marriage isn't all its cracked up to be but I found someone when I finally stopped wanting to get married. In the mean time make the most of what you have now. Make your neices and nephews birthdays special ones or a friends child and if not them, do they have anything like big sisters or brothers in Israel because you could easily become a big sister to a needy child and make them feel special year round. Don't give up and try not to despair. There is more to life then to marry or not to marry. I feel positive and encouraged for you. I have come to the conclusion that marriage at a later age would be better anyway because you have hopefully matured enough to stop letting "the little things" bother you. Keep your chin up sweetie and if you are meant to be married, you will be eventually married and it will happen so fast, you won't know what hit you.

This article hits home. It's very, very, very difficult to remain optimistic in the face of repeated failed relationships when one is seeking one's bashert. The Jewish community turns its back on 'older singles' and actively excludes them from the family-focused activities it runs. In fact, there are Jewish Federation grants to engage young, college-aged and just past college-aged adults, and then for seniors, but nothing for the people in-between. We simply don't matter. We are outcasts from our own religious communities, and are made to feel like we don't measure up by the very communities we're asked to support - financially and in every other way. I am well-educated, financially self-sufficient, have a great job, and am involved in professional and philanthropic activities - both secular and Jewishly-based. I watch all my friends have kids, homes, lives etc. that I can't possible have. Their kids are now about to go to college. Forgive me if I'm a cynic, but I'm tired of putting a good face on it and hoping that Hashem has something good in store for me. Hashem has simply forgotten about me. The evidence speaks for itself.

this must be so painful for you. But the evidence does not speak for itself, as much as you feel you get it, you dont see the whole picture. Only Hashem does. It still doesnt take the pain away, im sorry Hashem has put you in this difficult place. Tons of people in the community care about singles. I applied to SYAS and they have a 10 month wait to become a shadchan because sooo many people want to do it, for free. We care, we need to improve but we are here and we want to help. Hang on!

Hey!! Instead of giving up I would approach it from a totally different angle!!! (Blaming G-d, organisations, the jewish community is not going to move you up in life nor is it going to interest many dating partners in going out with you - taking responsibility and focusing on yourself may actually get you what you need) Take a moment, find a comfortable spot (maybe an outdoor breezy spot), close your eyes and take slow deep breaths until you feel your body is totally relaxed - continue for a few minutes listening to your breaths and to the things around you, just focusing on each breath and forgetting about everything else. Clarify as clear and SIMPLE as possible what it is you so strongly desire (in your case I would suggest one of - love, connection, acceptance etc.) and continue breathing into that feeling for a FEW MINUTES (making space for that desire inside of you till you can almost feel it in your body). From this space of clarity about your desires make clear goals on what you are going to do every day / week to get what you most desire. I would suggest starting with praying to G-d from your heart every day (like a 5 year old begging his mom in a toy store for a new gameboy) and continuing with an actual plan of action. I believe your connection to G-d will be stronger, your self confidence will surge forward and you will actually have a chance of getting the love / connection you want. Only when YOU accept / love yourself and YOU believe you are totally deserving of all the things you desire will you actually stand a chance of getting them!! Good luck!

My note: This made me realize how blind single people are (n how blind we all were). We think finding someone is all jolly which it is at first buy we all find struggles and frustrations single people cant even fathom until it happens to them and they divorce. Unknown unexpected untold issues married people go thru, some light issues some major that happen either, or both to each couple. Those single people that so wanted a signigicant other once end up divorce because they couldn't handle the other person, or their problems. Like people who say they want kids but when it comes down to it they give them up for work or cant handle the stress n struggles it takes to raise a kid. So now w/this article i wonder n ask myself, are single people really ready for all this hell they probably think they are never gonna go thru but they will n dont see it yet? Is that really what they are suffering for to have? Then single people better be ready and not complain when that 'significant' other comes their way. They better stick w/them thru think n thin if they dont want to be single so bad as they wished. If it aint easy being single well it sure aint when your married especially when Gd aint in the picture. But w/Gd in the picture single or not, things do go much  smoother by HIS will not ours!

shame on you to see a Jew suffer and put her down like that! It makes you wonder if singles are ready for the challenges of marriage?! Im sorry your marriage is so "full of challenges" but my marriage is full of joy, so are many many others. I dates for a looooong time and i was so sad. I married and my life transformed. I didnt want to have no challenges, i wanted someone to go through them with. My husband and I are not perfect, but we work through it all together, through the years. Even when im hurting because of something he did i can turn to him, because he loves me and he doesnt want to see me hurt, even if he disagrees with me. Singlehood hurts because u are on your own at the end of the day. You have so much to give and no one to give it to. You can mentor, you can be a good sister, but your sister doesnt need your love and care the way your children or husband do. Thats the hurt. I dont know of a hardest challenge than singlehood. Shame on you to instead of opening your heart to a Jew in pain you dump your garbage on top of her.

I recently got married but dated for a very long time n felt the exact same way- so hard! Keep davening n trying may it be soon ure not alone

Its strange how couples says Your lucky and your single its like a slap in the face.I will never understand that.I often wonder am i to be single for life?I hope not.But the way it looks its where i am headed.I have not given up not by a long shot.Its hard not to get bitter.

I believe we all go through the desert in one way or another, and sometimes in seeing others having what we long for, as in a loving mate, it's very hard to maintain that sunny smile, to turn things around and see what we do have, at that moment. Since this is something you truly yearn for, I think it's going to happen, and it could be, since life takes each of us on a different journey, that you never know, what move you make, what turns in the road, will turn into, something of great magic, to ponder and wonder about later. So do what you do, in finding silver linings to those clouds, and when the rain comes, as it does, realize we all weep, and we all feel yearning, sorrow, loss, and pain. Somehow, being cast on the rocks, changes us, teaches us, and might bring perspective too, and also, might lead us someplace deep, and in that wandering, to wondering, and to WOW itself. And also Vows.

I went through many years of painful longing and being single and finally met the right man and married him in my mid-forties. Though I don't have children of my own, I have inherited some wonderful adult stepchildren and my life is now very fulfilling. Looking back, I am glad certain relationships didn't work out, though it certainly felt terrible at the time. There is still pain for what I haven't had. But there is also a great deal of joy and happiness in my life. I had the time instead to pursue a career and to become very qualified in my field. My life has definitely been interesting, sometimes a bit too much for comfort! My husband is supportive of all I do professionally and doesn't feel threatened by my talents. Whatever our situation in life, the grass always looks greener in someone else's backyard, and there is often hidden suffering going on in other people's lives that we are unaware of. No-one is without their challenges in life. What we can do with our pain is to express it to Hashem, to tell Him our needs and longings. There is nothing we cannot say to Him: frankly I used to swear at Him and say things I wouldn't dream of saying to anyone else. And yet, when the time was right, He opened the doors for me that He wanted. He has never let me down and has come through for me when I have really needed Him to do so, even if it wasn't always how I wanted and hoped things to be. I am very grateful to Him for all He has given me. Everyone's life and everyone's tests are different. But whatever we have to go through, I do believe that Hashem wants us to be truly real with Him. Maybe we won't understand why we have this particular set of challenges in life until much later on, or maybe never in this life, but EVERY situation that He puts us in has potential for growth that may lead to places that otherwise we could never have entered. Each of us is unique and special and loved by Hashem more than we can ever know.

I have my kids but divorced my husband 10 years ago, I am grateful I have kids but grieve the fact I don't have a family for my kids with two parents. Miss shockingly the intimacy of not being in a relationship,I get so tired of making all the decisions of having to be there once again for my kids alone. Mothers are always there, fathers manage to move on.

I'm sure they have been told by other couples that marriage is not a bowl of cherries, but they ended up marrying anyway. I get very annoyed when married people tell me how lucky I am to be single and childless because by them saying that, they sound like they are contradicting themselves. Yet they don't need to explain why they got married because I know why, it's because they fell in love or at least should be in love, even though some people may just think they are in love, however they tie the knot. Now tell me, why is that? Is it because most of the people in the world are married with children and they have to be just like the rest of the people in this world? I believe that it's a normal and natural thing for two people to get married, or at least it's supposed to be, and to have a family. I just don't understand why others who are married and have children wish they were single and had no children at all. To me none of that makes any sense whatsoever. It as if they are telling me that they although they loved each other or maybe they loved each other, got married and had a family, but they never wanted to, yet they did anyway. Can you please clarify this and tell me what's wrong with this picture.

Rebecca,

I read your post and felt every word is exactly me. I have a good life and so much to be thankful for yet i too at times can only focus on what i haven't got. I still try to remain optimisitc that one day i will marry and have children but realistically, time is not on my side. I really hope i do not become bitter 10 years down the line if i find myself in the same position as i am just now. Most days i can count my blessings and appreciate all that i have, a good family, a job i love, the freedom to come and go as i please but the days of wondering why am i still single, are becoming more and more frequent. My faith in everything happens for a reason is what motivates me through my negative times and looking back i can see how i've grown so much. Grown in a way that maybe i wouldn't have had if i had been with someone. I think that some people are just meant to go through life alone but i sincerely hope that is not my journy. I love hearing stories of people who met the love of their life in their mid to late thirties as they fill me with added optimisim so anybody who has such a story, feel free to share it.

I don't know what to say...
I know i'm still a child and don't understand what you're going trough.....
But, life is weird, and god works in misterious ways....but the only advice i can give you is.......
That Life isn't about what you get from it but about what you put in it......and the things you've done should give you satisfaction cause there's nothing better than sacrifising yourself for people you love and care about.....Because what you get from it......is priceless!!!

Rebecca, your article was so sincere that I have to compliment you even though you wrote it a few years ago. May Hashem answer all your tefillot and guide you to becoming closer to Him, in whatever situation you are now in in life.

I remember reading a statement by a famous rabbi (forgive me but I don't remember the exact source) that essentialy says women do not have peace until marriage. It is so true. Interestingly studies show that women have more stress once no longer single, but we long for that time anyway because that will bring a certain measure of inner peace. One of my religious friends said to me after another seemingly ridiculous breakup that every time that happens you are one step closer to your real beshert. I think its true in the way that every time you meet someone that doesn't work out helps you understand what will work out, so that when you eventually meet the right guy, you will know that its indeed the right one. It also helps to think about this: the type of guy I'd like to meet - what would he be doing right now? Where would he be? and then hang out in those places :). Sometimes several months after a breakup I find myself looking back and thinking - that was so obviously the wrong guy! G-d forbid, we could have stayed together and then I'd live my whole life with the wrong one!

Most of my "single" time is spent putting on a brave face, not letting on to other, coupled people that being single, for all of its perks, can really, really stink. My few remaining single friends and I talk about this sometimes, yet usually the conversation revolves around how happy we are to be free and untethered. Thank you for your honesty. Sometimes I think I'm the only one.

I just want to say that I don't mean this disrespectfully but I found the tone in this article disheartening.I came upon this website to findout how good devoted single jews keep up their hopes and after reading this article I felt depressed. I think the reader Diana wrote optimistically, I actually got my hopes back from her post. I quote Rabbi Aaron Moss who wrote in another website I read earlier:

Within your body, you have a soul, shimmering like a diamond in the deepest part of your identity. Your body temporarily encases your soul for the duration of your lifetime on this earth. The body can either be a hindrance to the soul by concealing its light, or a vehicle for the soul's light to be fully expressed. It depends on how you live your life.

If we live a life of hedonism and selfishness, if our body and its cravings become the focus of our existence, then the diamond that is our soul gets buried beneath the body's layers of physicality, and its light is prevented from shining. But if we live a life of purpose, doing what is good rather than what feels good--a life in which the desires of our soul overpower the demands of our body and we fill each day with acts of goodness and holiness--then the light of the soul is not dimmed by the body. On the contrary, the body becomes the vehicle for the soul's light to shine. By refining our character, bringing light to those around us, and maintaining the purity and innocence of our soul, we become a living, breathing diamond, a divine work of art.

Finding good within ourselves is not Oprah's invention Laurie, its pure Torah.

HI Laurie, wow- what a complement! thanks! I hope you really read my comment . I don't read or watch Oprah I read Torah, that's where I get my thoughts. Are you familiar with Torah, sounds like you're watching/reading Oprah too much to know what quantifies a good "imitation". I suggest Torah to you, Blessings! Diana

Its as if i wrote this. Everyone says Im a very happy person. There are days where Im great and others where im so lonley that it seems like im the only one that no one wants. I know its not always wine and roses when your married but being single and lonely does suck too. You turn around and all the guys that you dated ( and actually really liked) the ones who dumped you or just stopped calling have found that someone special and that makes you feel even more unwanted then ever before. Thanks for writing this, though Im still sad at least i know there is someone else who has never tied the knot and has had their share of sad times too.

Oprah's books may be best-sellers, but they're not Torah, or even close to it.

Not a very positive attitude, the author claims that she's positive but she's truly not! A positive person is never "stuck". I'm in a "season" of singleness, I don't know for how long but that doesn't matter for me anylonger. I believe Rebecca (if you're still "stuck" being single) need to "MOVE ON" and start giving yourself the permission to be as "happy" as a married woman. I have learned that the "secret" of being happy or content is to live life in the precious moment that in His mercy Hashem grants to us. Why do we as singles have to feel as if we're "stuck" or in a less prestigious or "happy" category than married people, why?? happyness is a matter of choice, not chance, not hooking up with someone. The secret of being content is not being "stuck" in these artificial categories that we set our selves in be it "single" or "married". If we categorize our lives as happy here sad over there, then one will always have a "grass is greener on the other side" mentality. Didn't God say not to covet what your neighbor possesses. God just wants us to enjoy life and He called us to peace no matter where we are. Today I supported a long-time friend. 10 years of marriage, she doesn't know who she is, just got HIV tested, husband possible homosexual. People if you don't know who you are, you'll attract somebody who also doesn't know who they are. I'm with Hashem, He's above, I'm on my way to the top of the mountain. I hope you find your mate Rebecca, find the happyness God already built into you. When you do you'll want to be "stuck" with the treasure of yourself that you will find and you'll be surprised when somebody wants to "stick" to you.

It's a touching article, and anyone in the world can relate to what you said, man, women, jew, or not.

Guys have this problem too.

Great article. Don't forget that there are a lot of men in the same boat....

I think this is interesting. If you give men a chance before thinking too much, you would be happier.

I'm not jew, but a Hindu woman in her early thirties now, and have followed these articles over the years. I can vouch for every line in this article, line by line, word by word... happy disposition, lots of friends, unfruitful dates, and yet another birthday approaching. It's like someone just had a glimpe inside me.

How did you know? When I read this article, I thought that God had given someone else a glimpse of me and my life. I felt as though it was me writing this. It felt sooooo good to know that there are others out there like me. We should have an online support group.

Great story, & we should all try & realize that in order to grow we need to grow thru some pain.

I offer two points to singles. When you ask G-d to bring you "the one", make sure your list of wants is wise. I asked Him twice, he sent me my exact requests twice. I'm now twice-divorced. Don't be unwise in the attributes you want in a husband. I'm afraid to ask again in case I still haven't learned!!!



Secondly, if dates are depressing, take a break from dates. Let G-d bring your match to you in an unexpected way, when you least expect it. In the meantime, volunteer; make someone less fortunate feel better; take up a new hobby, even a solitary one.



As another writer said, the only thing worse than being single is being married to the wrong person!!

May Hashem bring your bashert quickly. Keep on smiling!

I wanted to send you a big thank you for publishing the article called "Stuck Being Single". The writing was excellent and the words resonated in my soul. It was as if my own spirit were speaking to me. Even though I am in a serious relationship of 7 months now, it hasn't been that long since I was feeling just like the author of that article. There have to be millions of us! So many relationships haven't worked out, including two marriages (I'm a young 53 yrs. old), that I am trying to be very cautious in the relationship I am in now. He doesn't fit the picture of who I thought I wanted.....he is younger than I, lower income, less sophistication and culture, but the instant I met him I "knew" there was "something special" about him and we connected in an instant mutual attraction which grew slowly from that moment. He is loving, kind, fun, funny, mentally challenging, helpful, likes to cook and take out the garbage, loves me with all his heart (as I do him), and he is the sexiest man I've ever been with, which, at my age (at any age) is a great treasure! If I had held out for the demographics I pictured as necessary for my future mate (significant stable income, nice house, experience with kids, college education, culture, nice clothes, tall and slim and unargueably handsome...), I would have missed the very special gifts of love, friendship, companionship, challenge, and fun that he brings to my life.



I would say to other "stuck being singles" to be careful not to fall into the trap of clinging to independence and pre-conceptions and fear of relationship failures so hard that they miss the gifts that fall from heaven in different wrapping than they expected. Best wishes and God's blessings to all of them. Maybe we could start an online support group to encourage one another. Who knows? Thank you for a deeply insightful article and one that stirred up a heartfelt appreciation for my 16-yr-old daughter that I haven't been feeling for awhile...and as I look forward toward my own birthday on November 4, I am also looking forward to showing her some "magenta balloon" celebration every day for the rest of her life. And that goes for my "sweetie" too! God bless you all.
Sincerely,
Debrah J. Coombs
(859)351-4719

Is Rebecca still single? If not, maybe she could write a followup to give hope to others. I was up all night with my 6 month old and, remembering her words, smiled at my beautiful baby and felt grateful.

Its exactly how I feel. I'm glad that I'm not the only one who feels this way.

depressing article! thats only ONE way to look at things. the article's title "stuck being single" is indicative of where it would lead. people are always pontificating about what if's and make their decisions based on if's. what if i find a girl next week does that mean i shouldn't rent this apartment or go to such and such party living in the NOW...live life and things will develop regardless of how we try to navigate. people lead their lives almost as if they assume there will be traffic on every highway leading into the city on a early sunday morning. let things flow naturally. it's a shame that girls don't really have consistant learning to keep them strong. they are technically empty shells without their mate but i see guys as being different. the article needless to say was written by a woman.

You are obviously younger than me. You still have hope. Let us know if you still have hope when you hit 50 and are still alone and your friends have all moved to the suburbs with their husbands and families. I think the bitterness will be much closer to the surface and your hope will be dead.

This was a beautiful article. Also, the writer did a chesed for all the "marrieds" reading it since it trully makes us remember and appreciate all that we have.

I've been at this point for so long... compounded by an arthritic disorder. High holidays were the most difficult-- standing before the open ark and pleading to G*d to be at the right place at the right time to meet my beshert. And then the next year still with the same plea and more fruitless singles nights, rejections, etc. behind me.

But there is still time for me, and I've finally met someone who is not only a good person, but someone, despite the little things that are always there, I could make a home with. It can happen, even if you have the feeling that the Creator has a very odd sense of humour. One just needs to be open to all the possibilities!

I am 50 now, divorced and twice a mom, but I still long for the other half of my soul. Be patient and believe that G-d will send him. Don't make the mistake of assuming that you must settle for less than your soul mate.

I liked it . She is in the habbit of speaking truth which would always give her moral ascedency but some where across the board she may be buying a sort of unpleasant taste just because she is too truthful for the world.

I felt exactly as you say. The void cannot be filled with other fullfillments and everytime the one I'm dating goes away it is more difficult to me to begin again. Thank you for sharing your feelings with so many women who are alone and feeling the same in different places of the world.

I am going to be blunt, so skip to the next post if you can’t handle straight talk.
1. I think it is more of a miracle that Jewish people actually meet and fall in love (or at least meet and get married) than we realize. How many people do we have to choose from?? Let’s run the numbers, with a few assumptions thrown in:

In NY (the largest Jewish population outside of Israel) there are slightly less than a million Jews. 1,400,000 including Westchester etc. (not NJ or CT).

If half are male and half are female, you are down to 700,000.

If you are orthodox, you are down to 11% of 700,000, which is 77,000.

If an average person lives to, say, 70, and you are looking for someone within a 10 year range of a persons lifespan, (e.g.: someone from 20-30 or 35-45 or whatever), you are looking for someone within (10/70, or) 14% of their lifespan, so you are down to 14% of 77,000 which is 10,780.

If you are young and are looking for someone in a 5 year span, say 20-25, then cut that in half to 5,000.

If you are looking for someone who is not mentally or physically disabled, reduce that number a little.

If you are a tall woman and insist on a Jew over 6 feet, cut that down 90% to 1,000.

If you insist on someone who makes more than 100k a year, cut that down further.

If you are looking for someone good looking, say within the top 10% of Jews, cut down your number by 90%.

If you are a Kohen and cannot marry a convert or divorcee, cut that down to almost nil.

If you want to marry a Persian or SY and you’re a girl over 25 with an education, might as well jump.

If you don’t want to marry someone with kids…well you get the picture.

My point is that there are EXTREMELY LOW odds of finding someone (if you are orthodox)!!!

Madison Square Gardens seats more than your possible choices. But your besherts are not in the same spot. They are strewn around the city. Would it be better if they were all in one spot??



2. Then there is location:

Location A is somewhere like Cleveland: singles pair off young, leftover singles move to New York, you know everybody else already: you’re outa luck.

Location B is the UWS: huge concentration of available ortho singles. The really good looking ones get so much attention, they don’t take anyone seriously and flit from relationship to relationship thinking they can always trade up, which they do, until they get no so good looking and for the girls, a new crop comes in September and the guys can always date the younger girls, so they are done. The ugly girls have much better looking competition, they are done before they even get started. The guys (ugly or not) only want the hot girls. The rich guys get what they want; the poor guys or the guys with no game get zip. Which is better? Tough to say.



3. Here’s something women probably don’t understand or have never contemplated: Girls can always marry ugly guys, especially if the guy is rich, and let’s say it’s because they are more spiritual or see the best in people or whatever. For guys, it’s harder to marry ugly for a purely physical reason. Guys have to be able to get it up and it’s physically difficult to get hard for an ugly girl. Girls can technically just lie there if they are not aroused. Guys cannot be passive. No hardon, no sex. Maybe it’s the media that made us aware of who is good looking and who is not (although studies show that places without TV still have similar notions of beauty), but the facts still stand.

Do I offer a solution? Nope. But here are some suggestions:


GET A LIFE
If you don’t read the paper every day, stop right now, call 800.NY-TIMES and get it! Go to the 92nd Street Y to hear a lecture on something you have no interest in. Don’t see another movie. ‘Movies’ is NOT a hobby! (Go change your profile.) Read the Booker Prize Winners. Go to the Village and see a punk band. Have something intelligent and interesting to say when required. Have an opinion!! Be able to answer WHY you thought the movie sucked. The pacing? Cinematography? Acting? Why did you like the book? Believable characters? Be critical. Read reviews.

GET A JOB
Real Estate Heiresses may skip to the next paragraph: Ladies: OT PT ST Nutrition and other McJobs say: ‘I’m looking forward to being a mommy and am just wasting time till my real life starts. I don’t have any intention of working after having kids and have no real ambition to do anything short of being a mommy.’ Raise your hands if you regret making THAT decision after HS and if you are jealous of people with real professions who don’t have to sit on the floor with OTHER PEOPLE’S KIDS teaching them to talk when they will learn it on their own in three months anyway. Is being a mommy admirable? Yes. Do some guys want mommies? For sure. Are you cutting down your odds of finding your guy with that type of job? Absolutely. Don’t know what to do? Do what everybody else in the world who’s not interested in anything does: take the LSATs and become a lawyer.


GET SOME GAME
On a date, if every second sentence starts with the word ‘I’, you are talking about yourself too much. Like the 40YOV movie, ask questions. Not EVERYTHING has to relate to YOUR experiences! Try NOT talking about yourself and listen to the other person. Look at the person’s eyes, not over their shoulders. Lose the weight. NO woman should be over 140, unless they are from the Amazon. Dressing? Follow my logic: Here’s how to know if you can shop yourself or if you need help:. Do you value the opinion of people who work in clothing stores?? If you do, then you CANNOT dress yourself and need professional help. If you think clothing salespeople are complete idiots, and you NEVER ask for their opinion, then you can dress yourself. If you are in category one, only shop at Saks with a personal shopper. Guys? Rothmans. Dump everything that you own that is more than three years old.

I have more but I’m bored of writing this. The odds are against you. Your job is to improve your odds. You can’t do more than that.

And remember what Woody said: 80% of success is showing up.

What a relief!!!!!!!! My goodness, reading this article and the responses of other women, have made me realize that I am not alone in this. Last night a friend of mine stayed over for 4 days and they were the best 4 days so far this month! I love having company, but I fear the wrong kind of company. That is why I am still single, and will be until I find the right one, which we all will find at the right time! Hope and dream, Jael

im only 14 butsometimes i think of marige like its coming but when i no god has it planned but i long to find the one the one i know i can spend the rest of my life whith thru good and bad and ur story made me see difrent lealy im only 14 i have a wille butthen again im growing fast and it gose right back to were i started to think about marrige wat should i do i have a bf but we dont do eny thing we dont tuch or hug or eny of that im proud to say well ifu can right me back it will help trumendusly

I was feeling quite down this weekend and thought I would look for some inspiration. My first search brought me straight to your article and spoke of exactly how I feel.
Thank you for the inspiration and hope.

It's a great relief to be understood and I am tired of telling my couple friends about how i feel. I went to the web to see if anyone else felt the same or if there was some particular psychology connected with singleness. Yes, tired of silly dates, and dont like internet dating at all, really has made me feel worse! the thing is I'm happy with the things I've done in my life and that has meant relationships have taken a dive, but I'd still not swap with anyone else. But I feel very sad about still being single and having so many damaging relationships and the thing I really despise in myself is self pity and I fear the encroachment of bitterness. Ah!!!!!!!!
The important thing is to dream, we must all keep dreaming and when we meet the right person this'll all seem so ridiclous! It'll happen!

I'm in my 30s already, and still single. It's disheartening not to be able to find the right one after all these years. Especially when seeing my friends getting married and having kids of their own. So, I know how you feel. Especially around my birthday (October 8, coincidently). It used to be that going to a wedding would make me sad because it only further pointed out that I was still single. And I don't even date all that much. What I started doing at weddings, is taking pictures of the entire evening to keep myself busy. Knowing that I'll give the pictures to the couple & it will make them happy seems to brighten my spirits. I usually joke too, that since I have the pictures, I could always point to the girls in them and ask about them. My luck with women though, they are usually unavailable, or not in my age group.
But, I believe in B'shert. Not because I'm religious, because I'm not. But because I have to. It's probably the only thing that gives me strength to keep looking.
My message to you... Believe in B'shert also. Your B'shert is out there somewhere. You'll find him. I know it.

Whenever I feel lonely I watch an episode of Sex & The City and I have a good laugh. I live overseas and I realize by watching that show that those four attractive, bright, funny women, have the crazy dates just like me. But they also have some good dates and best of all they have each other. The one thing is not just "wish" to date, but to actually get out there and do it. Join clubs, gyms, go out with friends take a night course at the university...and tell everyone that you know well, and they know "you well" - that you are in fact looking to meet someone - might they know anyone you could meet? Be proactive! Think of dating in the way you think of looking for the perfect job - it takes time and effort! Most importantly before you start looking outside - look inside - and make sure you love what you see and feel - because if you do, then he or she will as well. I heard a writer once say on the Oprah Winfrey show that we attract the type of people we think "we are"? If you think you're not worthy, you will attract the same, but if you think you are priceless you will attract that someone special! P.S. There are some great books about body language, for example, that can help you realize the right and wrong signals you might be sending without knowing it. They also let you know the signals that you might be missing from others...Stay positive, happy, and strong and jump in with both feet!

Samantha,

Thank you for your comments. I must comment on them:

You say that at age 48 you are "still waiting for your life to begin". This is a shame. Your life has certainly "begun", and I hope you are living it and enjoying it.

People find love at all ages. You can find it still. If it's also a child you yearn for or want to care for, there are plenty of needy children, probably in your own city, who are languishing in inadequate foster homes and desperately in need of a loving home and a loving parent or family.

As for being a size 2 or 4, and looking like a "shiksa model": could this perhaps be part of the problem? Just a thought. Some men prefer a more curvy woman, and don't feel as attracted to a too-skinny woman.

Samantha, I'm sure you have much to offer, as your worthy advice shows. I wish you only the best in finding a man, and perhaps a child, worthy of your caring.

The only thing worse than being stuck as a single is being stuck with the wrong mate. Let HaShem make your match!

This was an insightful, poignant, well-balanced discussion of a subject too oft' not addressed. While the perspectives vary somewhat, it reflects yearnings and realizations of both men and women. It opened up several views in the comments. Undoubtedly the authoress will be a blessing to the man and the home she will surely have.

Living life as a single can be very frustrating. The singles' scene "today" makes meeting other singles difficult. When women ask "where are all the nice guys" I wanna scream and say I'm here but we can't meet if your not open minded and don't have realistic expectations. WOMEN: BE FAIR AND GIVE NICE GUYS A CHANCE.

Stuck being single...that article was written for me. Those are my thoughts, my hopes, my dreams. I too am single, living in Israel 2 years, still struggling to find the one!(How many more dates can 1 endure?) they just disapoint us more and more. I also feel I have ONLY the BEST to offer. Warmth, kindness, love. My birthday too is October 10, and obviosuly we are very much the same. I too, used to count the days, the weeks till my birthday as a young girl. Thats why that article was as if I had written it.
I wish for all us singles out there that G-D bring us closer to the Chuppah this year.

Our nature as human beings is not to live alone. That is why it's so painful when we can't find our mate. I'm 38 and have dated too much already. I'm tired of first dates and men lying to me by saying that they like me a lot and then I never hear from them again. I struggle with this issue every day and feel the pain of not having a husband. I wish I didn't want it so much so I could be content being alone. But for the moment it's just not possible. I have a deep need to share my life with a good man and offer him everything I have to offer. If G-d said in the Torah that it's not good for man to be alone, why are there so many lonely people out there?

First of all, realize that women are more spiritual than men. They don't seek status and prestige outside the home as we do, and literally sacrifice themselves on behalf of their family. That's why they're exempt from nearly all the time-bound positive Mitzvot, since their very essence, devotion to husband and children, is in itself a great Mitzva.

You must therefore, above all, be able to relate to and appreciate her spirituality. Granted, we owe no one apologies for being attracted to a woman's exterior. We are men and that's how HaShem made us. But that's not the main objective, only a means of opening up our heart to her. What she really wants us to admire is her inside - her intelligence, devotion, good heart and other spiritual qualities.

If so, then, what are you really looking for? Do you really need a wife who looks like a supermodel or a movie star? Someone everyone would be looking at wherever you go with her? Is that what you really want? Or isn't a nice, inviting smile enough, as long as she isn't downright repellent? Try this - after meeting her once, call her on the telephone. If you enjoy speaking with her and look forward to seeing her again, that's a sign she's attractive enough for you.

It is also very important that she see you as a strong, positive figure. You have to show her that you know what you want and where you are going in life, and that you will take the initiative in thinking about her and providing for her needs. No woman in her right mind wants to marry a sissy – you want her to be emotionally dependent on you, not the opposite. While it's clearly best to be honest with her and not hide your weaknesses, she's not the one to turn to for all your personal problems. She needs to see that you can improve yourself without her having to prod you – that's the last thing you want! For that you have your Rav and your friends to help you. You need to develop your self-esteem and self-confidence so that she in turn can trust and depend on you.

In addition, her spirituality is your materialism and vice versa. That is, she will appreciate your spiritual side through your material tokens of attention and generosity. Frequent, modest presents go a long way – for her it's the thought that counts. Our Sages said that a woman wants one measure of wheat but nine measures of her husband's companionship. She wants you to be with her with your heart, not your money, to be there to listen to her supportively when she needs you. When you give her your heart and your love, it will be so much easier for her to reciprocate and care for your needs in return…

I was single, then married and unhappy with someone - we fought and fought. We ended up in divorce. She sought the divorce after too much fighting. I yearn for her and yet I remember the times I just couldn't get my thoughts across to her - we didn't communicate well - What's so strange is that now when I'm again single, I have that feeling of emptiness THAT I HAD FORGOTTEN ABOUT when married. The moral of the story - whatever situation one is in, whether single or married or whatever, and if you feel sad, try hard never to forget that feeling when you are now in a new place in life - learn from where you were by REMEMBERING the feelings. It's much easier said than done. That's why the last paragraph is so powerful - it suggests that if we don't try hard, we actually might forget how we felt - so true.

I agree with Shaul...you said it all... well nearly..girls you need to look attractive... you need to be welcoming to your man.. my marketing teacher said... ladies need to glam up.. and its fun .. the art of being female... u also need to be an exciting housekeeper, clever, intelligent and witty and foregiving... if you think that this is challenging , fun, and exhaustung, well hello.. it is.. but it is also the way to go... make secret fantastic and successful shidduchs for your friends..and lo and behold the most fantastic shidduch, your Prince Charming will turn up at your door...give and take and for goodness sake.. prince alarmig will turn into prince CHARMING !!!! b GOOD LUCK to all you Sleeping Beauties and Prince Charmings out there..!!!

I have enjoyed and been inspired by so many Aish articles online, however I could not read Ms. Appelson's recent article "Stuck Being Single" without writing to thank her for her honest, insightful and moving words. Ms. Appelson has eloquently conveyed the feelings, heartache, conflict and hopes experienced by myself (and by so many others). Please let Ms. Appelson know that I send her this blessing ... that in the merit of her sharing and giving strength to others, may G-d bless her in all her endeavors and may she find her true zivug very soon.

Reading Rebecca's article was like sifting through excerpts of my journal--pages written on late weekend nights when a quiet reverie of the week's tumult melted into despondent thoughts of lonliness. What good are my efforts, all of my accomplishments if I am left alone to ponder them at the end of the day? I, too, am the sunny-dispositioned young lady envied by coworkers because I always have a smile on my face or because I have traveled to so many foreign lands this year, perhaps in search of something greater than all of this. I am always busy with travels or new activities-- scuba diving or dance or Yoga. And, my married friends sometimes envy me for my many adventures or because I'm so disciplined with my exercise routine. They do not realize that I am searching for more life, for a sense of completion. They do not stop to think that holidays end and I'm left with the brutal reality of facing my life alone, once again.

Perhaps this sadness is due--in part--to the fact that I broke off my engagement 10 months ago and I do not want to meet a man in a bar or at a night club. And, the trajectory from work to home doesn't give me an opportunity to meet anyone new. In fact, I often find myself asking, "Where are the discerning, single 30-somethings seeking a meaningful relationship?" Perhaps I am not just seeking marriage... Without being ungrateful for my freedom and my many gifts, I am seeking to find the man with whom I can share these moments, these adventures in the interim. Is that so much to ask?

Will I even recognize him when he does come, or will I be so beaten
down by the weight of all this, of all this longing and impatience and
yearning and frustration, that I won't even recognize him when he finally appears?

"Or will I think it's him, because I am so impatient with the need to
have children before I am too old, that I marry the wrong him."
I did and after having four beautiful children, burying myself in my
children I had to face the terrible mistake I had made. The decision
was agonizing,
because I would be breaking up our household. I realized I was a poor
role model for my daughter and for my sons, too. My children and I needed a
home, not a house, and so my decision was made.

It has been six years now and I don't regret my decision to leave
even for a moment. We've had a hard struggle monetarily, but my children know I love them unconditionally. No matter where they are in this world,
they know that I'm there for them, to encourage them to succeed in whatever their heart desires. I am also available day or night when they have a sore throat or swollen glands, or if one day they need a shoulder to cry on because their Mr. Right
or Ms Right hasn't appeared yet.

I hope I've taught them patience and unconditional love, so their
search for the right partner won't be a desparate one.

Thank you for letting me share my heart with you.

As a man who is still actively looking for a second wife, I can readily identify with Rebecca’s anguish and frustration. I would very much like to offer a few words of encouragement, but strangely find it hard to do so, because even after rereading her article I don’t really understand what’s holding her back. On the other hand, I’m aware that as a man I’m liable to sound patronizing or even condescending if I offer any suggestions or advice to women here. But I’m willing to take that risk, and if even one woman draws any benefit from this, I should be satisfied.

Of course, what I’m writing here is addressed mainly to the women. If it were a man complaining here I would have something altogether different to say, and much less gently...

The only hint I could discern from Rebecca’s account lies in her words “almost all the men I've ever gone out with are good and kind, if not the man I should marry”. This seems to beg the question. If “good and kind” isn’t enough, what is? Have you sat down to take stock of yourself and defined for yourself a few salient qualities which can identify the kind of man you need? It really isn’t that hard. To this end I would especially recommend the book “Head to Heart” by Gila Manolson. In it she gives common sense, down to earth advice to those who want to get married, mainly for women.

Of all the responses, I can only admit that despite her blunt language - which I didn’t completely understand - Samantha comes closest to the mark. Among other things, she is honest to admit that women tend to be offended when they sense that men are attracted to them because of their looks. They feel humiliated because men don’t seem to appreciate their intelligence and good nature.

However, I see no way out of the natural order of things which HaShem created in His world. Thus, the Torah makes no secret of the fact that Sarah, Rivka and Rachel were all good-looking. The Rambam, following the Talmud, rules that a man should not decide to marry a woman before seeing her to make sure she is attractive. Rabbi Moshe Feinstein OB”M, in one of his responsa, listed looks as the first of three qualities a man should look for in a wife - the others are family and Torah observance. And both Rabbi Simcha Cohen and Dr. Miriam Adahan have told me that looks are indeed important. I humbly submit that women have much to gain by turning this to their own advantage. No woman should be ashamed for using her good looks to get her husband’s love.

Another problem I have perceived is that women find it hard to “commit” to someone to whom they don’t feel attracted. Perhaps he is “good and kind”, in Rebecca’s words, but deficient in other areas; for example, maybe he is a nice guy, but isn’t wealthy, strong or able to take charge. Or maybe he isn’t as learned or G-d fearing as she would like.

In answer to this, the Hazon Ish advised years ago not to break off a Shidduch just because there isn’t attraction (“chemistry” in modern parlance), but only if there is actual repulsion. Everyone agrees today that love comes after marriage. To this it should be added that a lot depends on the woman’s attitude, as the verse in Proverbs says, “women’s wisdom built her house”. She has the potential to make her husband, as Rabbi Akiva told his pupils in front of his wife Rachel, “Mine and yours, is hers.”

It is likewise a woman’s choice to love and respect her husband. True love comes from the joy of giving to each other, and as such depends on one’s own free will. Gila Manolson relates the story of a young woman who happily told her mother that she was getting engaged to a man named David. Her mother told her that she was happy for her, too, and that she should tell David that “your father and I love him, too.” To her surprise how they could love someone they hadn’t yet met, her mother answered simply, “we have chosen to love him.”

Women should also be aware that by their very nature, men are far less family oriented than they are. They tend to look for prestige outside the home, not in the home. It is the exceptional man who displays a great preoccupation with his wife and children. It will normally a woman some effort and patience - as well as support from her friends - to make her husband feel wanted and appreciated at home, since the home is not his natural habitat.

In conclusion, Samantha is right. Mr. Beshert doesn’t exist. But in large measure you can make him for yourself through your own wisdom, love and respect.

With all my heartfelt wishes and prayers for your success in finding - and making - your Beshert!

28 Sept
I read "Stuck Being Single" and my heart went out to the author. The
feelings she describes are so real, so common today, so familiar, and
mine. I appreciate the author's positive outlook, the faith--it's
still coming, and the openness
with which she shares with the Jewish community her anguish and yet hope.
Never in the history of the Jewish people have there been so many singles. The numbers are increasing, the yearning grows each year, as so many singles seek
partners at Jewish singles events, through Shadchonim, and the
Internet.

I often wonder why we are living in such an age. How can there be so many
singles and now up in years? Still not connecting? Still not finding their Bashert?

It is hard to live in the couples oriented Orthodox world as a
single. There is always the expression on people's faces---And why
haven't you found your partner?
Is there something wrong with you? Are you not looking? Do you have some personality flaw? Sometimes the facial expressions, the body language, and the words hurt and you wonder
do they have a point? Have I missed a beat, done something wrong? Or is
this it? Is this how it's supposed to be?

Please send this note to the author. Let her know she is not
alone---there are thousands
of us in the US and Israel.

Dear Rebekka,
I hear your pain;however,it dosent't have to be so painful.I am 55 years young,single,never married.IF I find someone I wish to marry I will do so; and if not I won't.I am very happy with myself ie: who I am and I enjoy my own company.We all have challenges in life regardless of our marital status,profession,or material wealth.I love to study Torah.I love taking classes and connecting to G-d fills a void for me.I live life from the inside out not the other way around.
I suggest that you read the Imago Effect
by Hendrix, it may give you some insights into what is blocking you from meeting someone who may be marriage material.I also suggest that you take a course in Jewish Meditation.
This will help you to connect to G-d to find your life purpose.We all have a purpose here;not all of us fulfill that purpose in a marriage or by being parents.I also suggest that you focus on what is in your life,become mindful of living in the present.You will find there is so much to enjoy and be grateful for you feel joy,you will feel happy.I hope you find these suggestions useful.Best Wishes.Sincerely,Bethany

I was also a "older single" & yes every day I thank hashem for sending me my incredible husband! I also thank hashem every time I pick one of his socks that I have a husband!it always bothered me to go over to a few of my married friends who could only complain & not realize the tremenous bracha they had!!

Hi, Rebekka,
I think i feel the same way. Sometimes, when I come home after a date with Mr. Wrong, or just after a hard day and I open the door to a silent dark apartment with no one in it to annoy me, I just strat crying. It is very hard to deal with being single. I live in the US and here we are taught that every individual is supposed to be independednt and it is not "normal" to need someone. Well, it is a mistake for most people. We need each other, we need to connect. Our Jewish soul is a soul of many people, we are happy when we are needed. I am divorced. It was my decision and I thank God every day that I was saved from the terror of being with the person, who did not make me feel safe, respected, and loved. I still hope to marry one day the person who is right for me. But how to deal with it now? I made a list of things that I need in my life and a set of a right husband and healthy kids are number one there. Everything else I seem to almost have. I just pray hope that God will hear me. I also try to have more of good days than the bad ones and sunny outlook because Mr. Right will love my
smile. That's all I can do, really. Good luck to you.
Anna

Dear Rebecca,
May Hashem send you your beshert very soon. Thank you for allowing us, the married ones with children, to see the other side. Everything you shared about husbands and children is so true, and yes so many times we take them for granted and wish for the freedom you spoke of. I'm placing a copy of your article on my fridge to remind me on those hard to deal with days that the other side is not the bed of roses that they seem to be in our "freedom dreams" and that everything is sent to us to help us become the best that He knows we can be.
Please send me your hebrew name to daven for your hatzlacha.

Thankyou so much for expressing what so many people feel. May Hashem find your zivug, bishaa tovah, ubikarov!!

This is for Angela, who worried that Hashem had forgotten about her, when He was in The Beshert Factory or whatever...

I'm reminded of a song (I think you can even hear it on this site at the wall-cam) by the Journeys guy, about all the Holocaust survivors getting old, and eventually they'll all pass on. So who will be left to remeber what happened, when the last survivor is gone?

The answer, at the end of the song: G-D will remember.

Certainly a far-cry from "another silly love song", so what is my point? Well, the point is, He doesn't forget anyone or anything. Don't loose hope.

(and if folks think I don't know what it's like...read my previous message...oy....)

You'll find your beshert -- We all will. (:-)

Thank you for writing on this topic and letting others out there realize how much pain we go through. Although I'm a little bit younger than you in the circles I come from (ultra orthodox) I am considered "old". I really try to keep a rosy outlook, but honestly its hard. It's so much harder when friends and relatives make ignorant comments, "when are you going to get married?" like as if I knew the future, or others who question if maybe something is wrong with me. What is wrong is others passing judgement on others. All I can say is, those who are married out there please think twice before you speak and make a comment to singles/widow(ers)/divorced persons. And everyone should take it upon themself to pray for people to find their match and actively try to set people up, I really believe if we had more people out there concerned truly about the "single crisis" and looking out for others and setting people up, there would not be such a crisis. Not being married is a time to work on yourself and the community and be very independent, but let's face our feelings and validate how we feel--it is painful, it is lonely to see everyone else marry and set up families while we are left behind. I pray that you and others looking to get married out there find your match quickly, with clarity, happiness, and peace building a family in Am Yisrael G-d would be proud of!!

Happy Birthday!! It's my birthday too. I was actually born on Hoshana Rabbah.

I know where you are coming from. It is hard to watch as all of my friends are married and are having their
2 and 3rd child.

Some of us guys out there are also having a hard time finding the right one.

I work in a world full of non-Jewish Samanthas who are bright articulate and attractive and interesting. Then the schaddchanim tell ask me...well you don't mind if the girl is a bit heavy set or very quiet (meaning not articulate or interesting).

Anyway, I wish you sucess.

Wow! Thank you for writing about this topic. It's something I haven't heard others talk about much. At least there is some comfort in knowing I am not the only single 35 yr old in the world. I have watched friends and family get married, have children and even divorced and remarried. I decided to do volunteer work, but as one of my friends said I am only feeding the fever by working with premature babies. Now all I dream of is being married and having a baby to love and care for. But my life is work, go to bed and work again. When I do manage to get a date it is always someone who has already had children, divorced and doesn't want more. Kinda feel like the only ones my age to date are the rejects because so often they turn out to be abusive or drug addicted. Sorry to sound so negative...that is just my own personal experience. As one gentleman wrote going to town is difficult as I too feel I have "Loser" stamped on my forehead when I go to movies and restaurants alone. Sure sometimes I go with friends, but they are usually too busy with their family to go to dinner. And of course its bad spending my birthday alone and unacknowledged. Holidays are the hardest when I go over to a friend's house and everyone else has a spouse or partner and I am alone year after year. I just hope that Hashem really did make someone for everyone. I think sometimes "what if he forgot about me?". I have so much love to give...ah if only to be needed. Thanks to the original writer and everyone that posted about a topic not often discussed. May everyone have a wonderful, happy life in the days ahead!

Your feelings are shared the world over, my husband did the srereo- typical thing of having an affair and I got rid of him, I then threw myself into caring for my daughter, she is ready to move on with her life and is off to Israel for a year before university. I cry with the pain of lonliness, yes I have wonderful friends and yes I do appreciate the things I do have but I long for someone to be there to hold me close and share all of life`s ups and downs. Its scarey knowing no one is going to knock on your door and that you are going to have to get out there and do it for yourself.
It does not help that all the Jewish dating agencies are so expensive.
I wish you and everyone out there all the luck in the world in finding someone to make our world complete.
Happy birthday.

I am now 48 years old and look like a shiksa model, speak yiddish, am a size 4 (2 in some brands), blonde, blue, have a graduate degree from a prestigious school and have charmed more Jewish parents of boyfriends then you can ever shake a stick at. I've been flown in private planes, been taken on deluxe trips and to the best restaurants in town. I have held out for my beshert, but on only met a bunch of creeps. The few nice guys I did meet, I passed on because I didn't think they were my beshert - I felt they were only interested in me for my looks - not for my unique perspective on the world, my depth, my ingenuity, etc. My beshert would certainly appreciate me in all of my uniqueness - not just because I looked like Christie Brinkley! In my mistaken view of the world, I passed on men to whom I would love to be married now. If a man is good to you, no matter what the reason - if he will commit to you - settle. I wish I had. I'm still single and the men who are left are most definitively substandard and guess what - they're still only interested in the way that I look. So, there - you now have the benefit of someone older and wiser. I don't know how old you are, but if you're over the "magical" age of 36 (after which all men think women dry up and become hags), settle and settle fast! You don't want to be stuck like me watching my friend send their kids off to college while I'm still waiting for my life to start. I have been searching for my beshert since I was 15 years old - that's 33 years. The only men who are interested in my now are divorced men who have already had their kids and don't want more, men in the 60+ range who look older than my father and are looking for a traveling companion in their retirement or guys in their 20/30s who are looking for an easy "you know what". You think you're miserable? You don't know miserable!

As someone who's got a reputation as being one of the happiest and funniest fellows in town, your comments about what you feel inside really hit home.

You see, I just had a broken engagement -- we're both wonderfull people, just not "the one" for each other.

Keeping the pain under the surface, so that I can function and not be a bottle of sour milk to everyone, has sometimes been a chore.

It still is -- but you've made it a bit easier.

Thank you, Happy Birthday, Chag Someach, and may you find the right one in the right time.

- Yehudah in Chicago

Yes, indeed, I felt just like you. I knew I had lots of blessings and all that, but... oh well, why go on. and one day I started to count (yes, indeed, count, 1,2,3,4...) the times in the day when I mourned my ex-sweetheart that had left me for another girl, and that I was 28 and soon to be a spinster, and, and, and...I got to count over 30. That is, an aveage of 4-5 an hour, if you don't count sleep time. And I'm an optimistic person! It was kind of a shock to find this. And went on living. And just like that, when you don't remember a phone number and it comes to you when you're thinking of someting else, I met this man, handsome and full of love. We met just by chance, at a time when both of us should have been working, miles away one from the other. And we've been together...lots of years, and still on.
May the same happen to you.

This is a great article. I married and a had a child late (40!). I often used to feel the way this author feels. I am very happy but having an 18-month-old, wonderful as she is, can be stressful! This article reminded me of how grateful and blessed I am.
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I feel for Rebecca, having married at the ripe old age of 29. I knew a man who married for the first time at 89!!!
Obviously Rebecca isn't 'dateless & desperate', so my guess is that some lucky man is out there for her. One of my great-aunts wouldn't marry until 'she could find a man who could give her a better lifestyle than she could give herself', and when she did, she married a Commodore & lives a life of luxury. Dear Rebecca, I can imagine how you feel, so won't offer patronising , would-be consolation. My response to a man who commented on my lack of 'bitterness' would probably not be printable!!!What sort of prizes do they think they are???

Dear Rebecca I just wanted to let you know that there was a time I believed there was no soul mate for me and i settled for less ... years later I am divorced with two children and I have met my soul mate in the most unlikely place... we are together from different continents and share the same dreams and destiny, I am still young enough at 33 to enjoy the dream of parenthood with him :) I am trully blessed and I believe you are too... matter of time - be couragious and wear your smile on your face and in your heart and soul - it is a timeless fashion accessory that transcends all boundaries.

You put into words how I feel extremely well. I can relate so much - I want so badly to make the most of my single years and appreciate the opportunities I have been given to grow and accomplish so much before I have to take my family into consideration. But I also struggle with the pain of being alone, of doing it all myself, of wanting to give and having no one to give to. I admire the fact that you refuse to give into being bitter - it is an enormous struggle, but one that will definitely benefit you in so many ways. May this year be the one you find your husband, and may you remember to look back on these days and appreciate what you have when you are married!

After reading your article I just wanted to tell you how much I can relate. I am also still single and searching and I know all the tears, and heartache and loneliness all too well... I just wanted you to know that it really helps to know that there are other people going through this too. Please G-d, this will be the year that you will find your husband. And I am sure, he will have been worth the wait:)

This article takes on a whole different meaning depending on your present age, which was not disclosed.

One can only assume you are at least in your 30's to be feeling so distraught.

I can definitely relate but also take comfort in the opportunities that I have been able to explore and pursue only because I am single. But, I would have probably been glad to trade them for all the things associated with marriage had the opportunity presented itself.

My birthday is October 12th so I can relate to your experience.

This article is a reading of my soul. I
m not sure of the age of the author, but I am under 30 and feel this way. Although I'm still young, my soul feels much older and everthing that Rebecca has written are my daily thoughts and feelings. I too, am a cheery person with a positive outlook on life. I have a good job, great friends, parents & siblings, however the one thing I lack in my life, is the one thing that I focus on. It's needless to say that having a companion is more than just another person in your life; he is the other half in your life and it is justified that your thoughts occupy such considerable time on Mr. Him.
Whatever our challenges, which all have their reasons, once we get to that point where we are meant to meet him, we will. I have faith in Hashem, and he hasn't let me down yet. And he won't let you down either.

A huge mazel-tov to you, Rebecca, for hitting the nail right on the proverbial head for the still-single-at-that-age females! I, too, wonder if I'll ever meet my bashert and have enlisted the help of a shadchan (who has done absolutely nothing and should be embarrassed to be taking money!)and others, professional and not, to help me find my bashert. Likewise, I date with a positive attitude and am considered attractive by men. I long for the sleepless nights when the baby is fussy and when I can count on making plans with my husband...I wonder if I'll recognize him if and when he should appear. In the meantime, I have a full and rewarding life. I just wonder why some of us are relegated to the sidelines of the marriage game and some are always at the head of the line. There are no easy answers to these questions, but thanks again for such an illuminating article.

I am working on myself and being able to build a home and support a family, so that I can be ready for marriage. For some time, I didn't want to be married, but now, as I am approaching 35, I figure it is time to get the ball rolling.

Good luck with your man quest.

Dear Rebecca,
That was so special of you to write that article b/c it is a tremendous comfort for others to know we are not in that single boat alone.
May Hashem bring you your zivig soon!

I am basically a happily married man, but not everything is wonderful. Yet, I too feel something lacking as well. What is it that prevents a person from truly enjoying "this moment in time" for what it is? I don't have the answer -- is it just human nature to always look for more?

I just wanted to write a quick note and say that someone in Salt Lake City, UT, USA was touched by your article. I have felt many of the same feelings and get frustrated by the culture that envelopes me. I appreciate so much your insight and honesty into a difficult subject. I think the same way as you when you illustrate in your article about having enough "single" challenges and being open and ready for the next type. Thank you!!

I can't begin to tell you how many times I had to scroll up to the top of this page just to make sure I didn't write this article and perhaps publish it in my sleep! :-)

The struggle is definitely there, and no matter what kind of front we put on for the rest of the world, at the end of the day, the pillow still absorbs our tears. It's a great comfort to know that we are not alone in these deep unshareable thoughts. But the gates of Heaven are never closed to tears, and we know that G-D desires the prayers of Tzadikim, and as with Sora, Rivka, Rachel and Chana, albeit our struggles may vary from theirs, our prayers too will be answered, G-D willing, speedily.

Appreciative of the reminder to be grateful, counting it all joy when the desire of my heart is recieved.
Still learning to enjoy where I'm at while waiting for Boaz. Your article was a heart warming reminder of this and your on my prayer list.

Rebecca, you are blessed with a beautiful neshama. The thought that someone else is going through this same pain makes my own situation that much worse. I know how it feels and it hurts me to know you're at least feeling what I'm feeling. There are no answers. But no matter what life brings, we have only one purpose in this world and that's the serve G-d with the tools He chooses to give us. My blessing to you is that He soon give you that tool you so desire. I'm sure you will use it to build a strong and beautiful Jewish home.

Happy early Birthday Rebecca! May all of your wishes and dreams come true!

How wonderful to still have hope. will you still have it at the age of 50 when your parents are gone and all of your friends start kvelling over their grandchildren and you haven't even had a date in 10 years? When you sometimes ride the subway during rush hour because that's the only physical contact you get with other human beings.
Somewhere along the way hope dies.

It could not have been easy for you to write this, yet people who are not in our situation need to understand how we feel. Wishing you all the best.

Years ago, after a period of existential loneliness, similar to what you described, I had the following helpful thoughts:

If I were G-d, why would I NOT want Joe (that's me) to be married? ie why would it not be in my best interest now to get married, even to mrs. right?

Somewhat surprisingly, I came up with TWO very powerful reasons why it really would have been BAD for me to be married then. I made a deal with G-d that I would work on those two areas and then when I'd be ready, He'd send mrs. right.

After some time I turned to G-d and said: "on issue #1, I have made major progress and in fact, feel as though it's not so much of an issue....on issue #2, I have moved the ball along field and G-d, you know as well as I do, that is going to be a lifetime struggle, but I will struggle with it and keep fighting...now I think I'm ready." Thank G-d I met my wife the next week.

I have given this advice to others and they have found it helpful. I hope that it does help you as well. May the Ribono shel Olam bless you to find your husband and build a bayis ne'eman b'Yisroel REAL SOON.

Good article. Based on my own experience (married at 34, first child finally at 37) you will remember (almost) every day to be thankful for what you have. My husband and I are each so grateful to the other for having rescued him/her from the misery of being single. And we appreciate our child with a depth that many young parents do not have. During the sleepless nights when the baby is fussy, I recall the sleepless nights when I wondered if I would ever reach this stage and I am overwhelmed with my feelings of gratitude. You will be too, hopefully very soon.

i got married at 37 and have 3 children. i know what you're going through!The thing that worked for me is staying positive. i know how haard it is. unfortunately,i have friends who have become cynical-which is the kiss of death.Say tehillim for your other single friends and know that when it happens for you and i know that it will-it will be very fast and you will know he's the one-Hashem will show you very clearly just as he did with me.My blessing for youis that you won't be celebrating your birthday next year alone-your future husband will be there with you! May Hashem rain down blessings of a happy marrige and many children to you!

I know how you feel, and so do a lot of my (still single) friends.
Try to think positively, because it will have an affect on your future husband, wherever he is! It has to do with an aura that surrounds you and which other people can feel, even though they don't realise it. (not my own words, but from a chassidishe rebbe!) When you wake up in the morning, try to think: Today THE phonecall might come, I'd better be ready for it! KS!(=keep smiling)

Your article is so meaningful and beneficial in a few ways: encouragement for those who are able to 'set singles up' - i.e. make a shidduch and just haven't done so or don't make it a priority. and also, it's an encouragement to those who are still single. I've also struggled with dating, and I know some have struggled less and some more, but I lived those seven years of dating and remember (vaguely by now which is a good thing) the pain - it was a constant sort of thing I could cover up on the surface. It never came through on dates but manifested itself as a lump in my throat at the most unexpected times and places. It was when I 'let go' mentally of getting married 'really soon' to just accomplishing the things I wanted. I remember at the time (shortly before meeting my husband) that I 'finally' got a cell phone, began taking college classes online to work towards a degree I always wanted and booked tickets to go on a vacation with friends that summer. I got a call from a shadchan just a day after I booked the tickets for my 10 day vacation. I really felt like I was settling into my single life. That's when for some reason Hashem felt I was 'ready' to meet my husband. Thank G-d now I have a husband and daughter and they are the most wonderful people in the world. I give you a blessing that you meet your bashert this new year - soon. Maybe it was meant that you should have the courage to write this article and bring benefit to others through this selflessness. Thanks for sharing. PS On the topic of the 'shadchan', I used to be cynical about them thinking, 'they just met me and don't really know me, so how in the world will they be able to set me up with the right one?' I then realized this wasn't the right perspective. Knowing it's all from Hashem - our destiny- he has agents. And if a shadchan has made 10 matches successfully, who am I to think that I'm so unique and special that they couldn't be the agent that was meant to find me my bashert? In the end, a wonderful person - and a shadchan - introduced my husband to me. I will always be grateful and hope one day to make at least one shidduch myself...

Rebecca, I can feel the ache you describe; I had it myself. The other writers appear to be women, but I'm a guy who knows what it's like to feel alone. I was married at 33, but the 11 years since my BA degree felt like 110.
I don't think I ever felt more alone than in three of my four years in the U.S. Air Force, first at a base at a city with few Jews in their 20s, then in a headquarters unit in which all the other officers were married. I traveled (including my first trip to Israel; this summer was No. 5), went wherever and whenever as I pleased -- except for places in which I felt like I'd stand out with "I'm alone" stamped on my forehead. Of course, there were few such places -- only restaurants, concert halls, theaters, and almost everywhere else. The worst was going to shul on Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur, knowing no one with whom to sit. (Shabbat wasn't so difficult -- a lot of married people were there alone.)Some years, I even asked married friends if I could sit with them because I so didn't want to be alone. (I felt I was wearing a neon sign flashing: "He's alone! No one loves him!") The peak -- or depth -- of feeling alone in shul was a Rosh Hashana in Indianapolis while in a USAF school. I went to a Conservative congregation: entered, davened and left after the end of services both days without a single person speaking even one word to me! (Knowing what I do now, and with more davening skills, I instead would have gone to an Orthodox shul, where I would be less likely to be ignored.)
In my young days (several decades ago)we males were expected to take all the initiative in dating, but it wasn't so easy. Sure, I could pick up the phone and ask for a date, but often that meant calling someone who I knew would't be more than a one-evening companion -- and so did she -- and often I didn't even know anyone to call. (Here in the fleshpots, living in Flyoverlando means that Jews determined to marry Jews find 98 percent of the singles are off limits.) So being alone can afflict we men, too; I know the sadness and feeling of hollowness. Of course, we don't have ticking biological clocks, but longing for love and companionship isn't confined to one gender.
Maybe a shadchan is the answer, especially if you're frum, but what I'd like to think is that you and Mr. Right will find each other in some everyday situation. There's a pleasant and popular country-western song about that here in the States; one of its phrases is that a man who sees a woman in some everyday situation suddenly "sees his future in her eyes."
May that happen to you, and soon. As I often think when looking at women I know who inexplicably are too-long single: Some guy somewhere is missing the best deal of his life.
I hope that someone finds you today.

While I empathize with some of these emotions, from where I stand, I have a distinctly different view. I have learned that if you look too far ahead you can't enjoy the view from where you are now. If one only looks forward, how can one embrace the present of the present?

The author speaks of waiting each year for her birthday. Each year the anniversary of her birth brought her "the color of the year" and much love. The event lasted one day. The rest of the year, she looked forward to that day. What about all the days in between?

Instead of ticking off the years, look at the hands on your watch, notice the time and enjoy the hour.

As someone who is single and who longs for a companion in my life and who wants to stand under the chuppah with my bashert, I am also someone who accepts where I am now, who does what I can to change it and embraces all the joys in my life...my health, my family and my friends. Anything else would taint the view from where I stand.

Rebecca, I could have written that article myself. After comments from friends that I "dated more than any human they know" I'm married with a little one. He's not Mr. Perfect. But he's just right, a good and kind person, a real mensch, and great with kids. And yes, I still remember all my thousands of dates, my sunny disposition through it all, and its the best way to be - sunny. It will happen, even if you just up and decide, that's it, the next nice guy that comes along who seems interested, I'm jumping in with both feet! (and phooey on those guys who won't date a girl in her mid or late 30s because of "family issues" - they have kids too, I'll keep proving it!) Good luck!

When I opened my computer this is exactly the email I needed to read. It is Hashem telling me something. I know exactly how you feel and your article has helped me tremendously. Thanks for having the courage to write it! I wish that this should be the year for you and I just prayed for you.I'm very positive that it will be after writing this article.

I recall reading Rebecca’s April 2001 article about her being a Bride. So what happened?

Being single can be both a sad and lonely time where you feel terribly out of place and yet it can be a time of great joy and growth. Sad and lonely - like sitting by yourself during the High Holy Days in a Temple full of families and children. Joy, when you are free to think back on the days when you with "The Wrong Person" with whom you could do no right, and who sought to tear you down and re-make you in some fantasy image they had of a spouse.

I understand your loneliness and your longing for the "Right" person to share your life. But until the right person comes along take joy in your life as it is and don’t rush it. Believe me, I know how much more miserable being with the wrong person is then being single.

When you are in your late 40's and you know that your time to have children is over...and it really doesn't seem like there is anyone out there? I have a positive life, good friends, good job, family...I am busy doing things, but it just seems a constant letdown when dates don't work. I am more tired than bitter. How long do you keep hoping and trying if it is really not to be? I would rather just accept that it may not be my fate and quit getting my hopes up (I really am optimistic each time I try).

Anyway, great article! It all was similar to how I feel. It is nice to hear someone who has not found their match say 'stay positive' rather than people who have, no offense.

I think you did a great service by talking so frankly about your feelings and yearnings which are shared by so many wonderful singles (men as well as women you realize).

However many years ago a friend of mine who does shiduchim started suggesting to some of her "regulars" who weren't getting married, to find other outlets for their talents and aspirations to love and nurture. There are so many needy people out there: orphans, institutionalized elderly, retarded youngsters, psychiatric patients who are abandoned and lacking human loving kindness. One can become a suggogate parent or friend to people who would benefit so much from such involvement. Who knows what HaShem's plan is for us in this world. I know it's easy to give advice, especially when you're not in the same boat, but even David HaMelech's wife (I believe it was Michal, who never had children) found her destiny in bringing up her sister's children. May you find the strength to continue a basically positive attitude to life, and may you use these talents to make others happier, even if they aren't your own. Celebrate your next birthday in Alyn, Akim or Melabev and I believe everyone will benefit.