Still Not Married

Ben mentioned his income first as how women size him up. This is why he isnt married. For him it is about money. It all comes from Hashem. You cant withhold in a relationship. I hear the synics, women in a negative way(blame). Whiners. I dont hear all the women who want to receive all Bens good. How is Ben really seeing himself?

"What happened to men" is women pushed other men and maleness out of the lives of males, but did not get the results they were expecting. As women took on more and more masculine traits, it really should not surprise anyone that their subconscious still forced them to seek out men who were more masculine than they were, so in order to pick up chicks males adapted by assuming a totally stereotyped "hyper-masculine" persona. And, it worked. The more a male lived up to the stereotype of the worthless hyper-masculine male, the more short-term success he had with women. The more a man fought it and tried to live up to a more classic male model of rational honor, the more he got ignored, insulted, and screwed over by women. A huge percentage of the men you deal with were raised by single moms who are clueless about maleness - they only know what they want. So, instead of seeing their sons as real human beings, they attempted to raise them to be projections of mom's fantasies. Up until puberty, these boys attempted to make mom happy by being exactly what she wanted him to be, the less like his worthless father, the better. However, when puberty hits, and the reality that nature will always out and nurture don't mean anything starts to become apparent, these square pegs which have been forced into round holes begin to revolt. The men you are encountering today are ones raised essentially entirely by women. Either mom dumped dad because he wasn't paying her enough attention, and not making her feel speshul enough, or dad was simply away breaking his back 60-70 or more hours per week trying to keep up with cupcake's cancerous spending habits. So, after being away all day, he came home to a kid who had been told all day to "wait until your father gets home" so dad could be cast into the role of the heavy - all the kid ever saw of his father was his temperament.

I've heard older single men claim to be holding out for a younger woman in order to fulfill the mitzvah of having children. So where does that leave us older single women who either have had children and don't want anymore or are too old to have any? I asked a rabbi, who told me that that mitzvah can be fulfilled through adoption or even foster care. Another older recently married woman told me she and her chattan planned to meet that obligation by paying for the education of a Jewish child (I don't know if this satisfies the halachic requirement, but it's certainly a wonderful gesture!). I hope Benjamin isn't letting the "need" to bring up a child stand in his way. I wish him hatzlachah in his search!

men find it instinctively insulting to take care of another mans kids.noone should give uyp their dreams for a old,expired woman.be happy with what you got.beggars cant be choosers. we want our own Genetic offspring. no man owes you anything for your youth mistakes.we are all equal remember?of course most older single women had the chance of having a decent guy in their 20s when they were fooling around and rejecting the nice guys for bad boys and studs.now that the clock is ticking,you want the same nice guy you would reject 20 yrs ago to choose your expired self over young and sweet!yup,i can think of how many guys such women have been with for free,no commitments.and no some guy has to foot the bill for used up?

What Others Dream, Dreamers Do By D.K.Milgrim-Heath©2011 What others dream, dreamers do- Will my dream be answered will I belong to you? Got to start really somewhere- I need faith in a prayer. Where do l I go? To meet my soul mate to know? That chemistry is powerfully strong- A wisdom beyond compare for getting along. Opposites do sometimes attract- I have to think of that. If I take that chance? Of starting that romance? Hard work so I need- Requires constant attention indeed. To get that Beshert harmony- Compromises are to be. Needing to have spiritual thought- Is something embraceable to be gently taught. Sharing that similar goal- Of goals making life feel whole. You must ride out together many a passing storm- To be appreciated for all’s sake to be kept warm. Each relationship has its season- To be developed or finished with a reason. Daily mutual acts of supports- Keep your goals strong in all thoughts. The constant usage daily wear- Must be able to withstand any type of daily tear. Creating such a strong emotional bank account- Answers all things in a relationship that will successfully count. Heaven provides challenges surrounding a circumstance- It’s our responsibility on earth to give romance work-that chance.

The idea's great ! Using our local Shuls, Shabbots meals wonderful. We all know older men ,woman who are single I feel the Shuls should help in matching.I am for and willing to help. Let's do it !

I have a son of 31 years of age. He is a lovely person both inside and out. I know that mothers generally believe that their sons are perfect but believe me I would feel a little better if there was something less perfect in his overall persona. I can't understand why a person that is so respectful, kind and good should still be single. My son, went out with girl a few months ago and the relationship lasted 6 months. From the girls point of view I guess all these fine characteristics were a little bit boring for her. What is happening to our youth these days? Is it some kind of a badge of shame to have such qualities, or should one just submit to being aggressive and mean in order to become more appealing. It just hurts me to see that this lovely soul is still single and no-one can see his true inner beauty!

I'm sorry but women also don't want a mama's boy. I've also seen where a guy doesn't want to break up with a woman so he is mean to her until she breaks it off with him.

Use websites. Pray. Look abroad. He, late 40's in Toronto, Canada. She, late 40's, Hong Kong, divorced, two kids. We now live in Atlanta, Ga. Just do it.

I feel a lot like the points mentioned in this article, except that I'm nearing forty. I'd like to find my soulmate, have passion in a relationship, and to fall in love. I agree with Dr. Gray in his book "Mars and Venus on a Date", a helpful book that my ex owns, that men are like blowtorches and women are like ovens. Men blast their way into a relationship and I've been guilty of this. I think this behavior can scare a woman off. I'm not sure why women slowly warm up to a man, I guess that's why the philosophy of hanging out as friends and seeing what happens is a good one. Being good friends first puts less pressure on both parties as dates can be stressful and nervewracking enough. Taking it slow is hard for me but I must do this as getting to know someone takes time. It's like shopping for whatever you'd need or want, taking time allows you explore to see if this person's a good fit, if you can get along with this person, and if you'd like to get married to this person (spend the rest of your life) with her or him. Getting the result is nice but the journey must taken not to find the perfect person (as no one is perfect) but a person that's perfect for you.

Hello, Hello, People do make snap judgements especially men. If there is no chemistry in the first minute, they can turn off. Do you know where I can work or volunteer to help the plight of Argentine Jews for example? Please get back to me on this. Thanks. Susan

No matter what the reasons are that make so many eligible singles stay unmarried, the fact is, they are suffering.No one can know the feeling of loneliness, of being detached and unlinked to a special someone,no one can understand the despair and hopelessness they feel after another date was dissapointing.How many times can one go out on a date? with how many potential partners that are yet not close to what they are searching for?
The search is endless and the feelings of despair are overwhelming.We do believe in GD , we really do.But how can one go on hoping that they will find "the one" they are searching for? how many nights can they spend alone?
Something must be done! A Yom Teffilah perhaps to rock the heavens and make a drastic change in the world of Shidduchim, the world of the singles who are serious about getting married.
Enough of the blame! it won't help at all.And it doesn't matter either.Fact is-Singles need to get married, and something drastic must be done immediately!stop telling singles they are picky and have unrealistic expectations! They want to marry the right person for them not for you.That person needs to be compatible with them, so if they don't feel it's right-It's not right! what do you want? more divorces on the ever growing statistic results? how many families have suffered due to young people marrying because of familial or social pressures! if you believe in GD, you also believe that He has a match for each one of us, but that match literally has to MATCH, fit in right with that person, not with their families or friends expectations.so instead of finding excuses why the single is not married, get to work and try and find them a match, Daven for them, ask your friends if they know anyone for them.Action will help not Words!

have been married by today's miserable standards, and interferences of well meaning friends and family. We are very misgiuded what is important and what is pure nonsense in finding a sutiable Bashert. Menchkite and Middiot is an old fashioned concept/ outdated by some, and Status/Showing Off, Money/Wealth, Looks. And the so called All Important Family Yechis/ Roots. Are the only Shidduch determents. Love, Caring, Decency, and Respect have just no meaning today. And this is a True Chillah Hashem. Just a short time ago, I heard that a Shidduch was called off because:"The Family was Garbage, no good!" This is a direct quote from the Former Chassan's Father, which makes me wonder if the son had a say if his very own Shidduch should be cancelled forever, which sadly it was. I feel sorry for the truly hurt parties in this ordeal. As I am a divorced single mom, and years ago also endured a broken engagement, instigated by my former Chassan's family, not by me. We must examine our ways in the Shidduch Parsha, and improve our tactics. If not we have only ourselves to blame for not finding our Basherts, if we act distasteful, no wonder Hashem does not reward this bad behavior by sending a Bashert- we don't deserve one if we don't have scruples.
Mazel to all of us to find the Right Derech, and Bashert.
Shabbat Shalom to all.

It is obvious that Ben wants kids. The author starts with "At 50, Benjamin's soul aches. Day after day, not only does he encounter people younger than he with kids, but the kids themselves are starting to have kids...", and ends with "For Benjamin, as for countless others who long to build a family of their own, time is running out..."

If it is possible for Ben to make babies with a 50-year-old, and he still refuses, then Joyce's conclusion (12/26/2007 8:16:00 AM) will be logical. Otherwise, it is just one of those "snap judgments".

"It's been mused that if our patriarchs were living today, they'd easily fail the shidduch test"
Did anyone ever think that if our matriarchs were alive today they'd also fail the shidduch test!!! Perhaps if we would look for partners who suit our personality as opposed to the family we would like to marry into etc, we could go on to build the DOIROS we would be proud of!!!

I wrote to the author saying that I'd like to meet "poor Benjamin." I'm 48 years old. Despite the fact that I'm two years YOUNGER than Benjamin, he's not interested in meeting me, because he's looking for someone of childbearing age. I'm incensed that this author portrayed this man as being some sympathetic character who is being heartlessly rejected by superficial women, when, in fact, the exact opposite is true. The author claimed that Benjamin is not fussy. If I wanted to marry someone 20 years younger than I am, I think I would be called, at the least, "fussy." The reason there is a shidduch crisis is that old men want to marry young women.

This sums it up perfectly. What are these men doing from age 20 to 50????

the problem this guy has is he is to poor.
All women whether if they want to admit it or not they like money. To all the naysayers I say this. if this guy is a bagger at costco or a janitor what would you tell your family and friends? until moschiach comes and destroys all the material wealth of the nations and individuals. there will be no peace between men and women.

Dear Single Jewish people,

When I read and hear about people struggling to get married I’m yearning to tell people the truth now that I’ve been married thank G-d for over 10 years.

1. I believe it’s not about meeting the right person it’s about being the right person. One has to be a vessel to receive the “rightâ€NSM_BADCHAR=<0x9d> person.

2. Second there is no “rightâ€NSM_BADCHAR=<0x9d> person. I believe this is somewhat of a myth. Although maybe G-d might know who it is, we don’t. We are not profits.

3. As Rabbi Manis Freedman said years ago to us in a lecture. “If you want to get married you have to stop dating.â€NSM_BADCHAR=<0x9d> As I realize now dating was a show in “etiquetteâ€NSM_BADCHAR=<0x9d> having nothing to do with marriage. Marriage is learning how to live with someone and even more difficult learning to live with one’s real self, which one does not have to do when alone. When alone one’s character flaws are ignored.

Here’s what you have to know. Stop dreaming of romance and meeting a person who will satisfy your physical and spiritual needs. You’re barking up the wrong tree. It’s a lie, that’s not what marriage is. (Watch a conversation with Dr. Abraham Twerski, Torahwisdom.com). Marriage is about learning to break yourself. How to listen and think about someone else, which is very difficult. That is probably why Chazal say you have no Torah if you are not married. All Torah learning is academic and perhaps an exercise until you get married. Ever wonder why at a Bris you wish the baby. “Torah, Chupah, and Maasim tovim (Good deeds). Shouldn’t good deeds come before marriage? Answer is even good deeds barely count until you have the responsibility of a wife and G-d willing a family. What you do on your own is perhaps purely academic and certainly much easier. So what do we learn from this? Marriage is tough, challenging and for that reason rewarding. How can I tell you my dear not yet married friends that it’s not what you’ve been told in America. It’s not about meeting someone who is so much like you, polite, etc. It’s about finding someone who sees the same future as you. One filled with Kashrus, Shabbos, and Taharas Hamishpacha. As Dr. Twerski says the problem is not bad communication, it’s about going in different directions that cause the problems. He gives the parable of two airport employees traveling in opposite directions on a moving sidewalk in an airport and the “bad communicationâ€NSM_BADCHAR=<0x9d> comes about because they’re going in different directions. Share a Torah direction and outlook and you’re on the way to having met the right person. Please try putting aside perfection and good dates. Marriage is about finding a person who sees a similar long term purpose in life and stop lingering on the day to day as much. Is attraction important, of course, is good family and characteristic traits important, of course. The idea is to get your perspective straight and not to focus on things that aren’t really going to matter match when your beautiful bride is G-d willing throwing up because she’s pregnant with your first child. That’s real, the rest is only a show.

as someone involved in shiduchim, i am curious to know what is on benjamin's short list, it may be short but unrealistic...and is he willing to travel to date?

I recommend anyone who is sincerely searching for their bashert to commit to doing 40 days of Perek Shirah prayer, and not paying for someone else to perform this act for you. If at the end of the 40 days you still are single, then repeat Perek Shirah but instead say the prayer for a friend that needs a bashert.

Adam writes "If Benjamin is not fat, balding and dynamic, why stop him from someone with whom he can start a family?"

If "Benjamin" can find a woman of child bearing age to marry and start a family, then by all means let him. But if "Benjamin" insists on such a woman, he has no right to complain that he can't find one.

because family so important finding who one thinks is the best possible match gets more intense in the frum world. fulfilling matches are no more common in the non orthodox jewish or gentile world and they are often less likely to try and make the best of it.as for what benjamin wants.he must get some serious cash or compromise big time in other areas .slight mental or physical impairment etc. other possibility is to try an older woman.in his case for what he wants romance without finace just don't make sense.

I didn't know that one of Job's advisers was still around in the person of Moishe HaLevi (writter number 2).

I have a friend who is a gem and is looking for a shidduch with a true mensch. She is beautiful, accomplished, a great cook, and has a heart of gold.
She lives in Dallas, TX.
contact me if you want to meet a wonderful lady.
baynash@aol.com

Binyamin: There is a story that Rebbetzin Jungreis tells of a man who was married for 7 years and could not have children, he saw 'all the doctors' but then he turned to a Rabbi from Eretz Yisrael and said Rabbi I think I know what's wrong. When I was young and in school, I used to beat up this person and terrorize them, I think I am being punished for that, here's his name, please find him, and give him this money that I have saved. Long story short, the Rabbi found him, the man didn't want to forgive, refused to the money at first, and the Rabbi said 'What are you going to say when G-d asks you why you forbid that man from having children?' He then forgive, took the money which he needed, and lo and behold, the married man I first spoke about, had a child. My advice to you, is look over your life and see what needs to be rectified, and again to reiterate Michelle it's time for more Torah study, more Torah action, more involvement. You should be looking for Chesed in the woman, that's the man thing, and you should pray. I recommend that you have a service pray for you to through the Western Wall for 40 consecutive days. You can do that for a $90 donation. I'm in no way affiliated with them other than my being Jewish and am having a prayer said for me in a similar fashion. Westerwallprayers.com. I actually found them through aish. I would also personally use the place a note on the wall section of Aish and pray your heart out, starting by praying for the Mashiach, and forgiveness of all your transgressions in this life or in a previous life, and then pray for _other_ single people to get married and have children, etc.... All the Best to You. May Everyone Receive HaShem's Most InnerMost Blessings. Amayn. Amayn. Amayn!

A few of us have introduced the idea of having a shidduch committee in EVERY shul, shteeble, seminary and yeshiva program . With the help of the rabbis we can organize this concept and create a global network. If anyone is interested in advancing this idea please e mail me. odel216@aol.com

B"H
Thanks G-d we're very happy together.
There were issues that we talked with profesionals as well as with our Rabbis. Benjamin there's hope... The one for you is out there! Maybe reading this comment..
Keep looking and then keep looking... It is not easy but it is worthy.
THis is a great article G-d willing with motive us the married ones to look for ways to help.

I don't know why everyone is assuming that Benjamin is looking for someone in her early to mid thirties. Nonetheless, to make assertions that all men in their fifties are fat, balding and not with it is rediculously narrow-minded. My sister is happily married to a man close to sixteen years her senior. She made a conscious decision in her late twenties not to waste her time with men in their thirties who are not prepared for marriage. She found a wonderful man, who is a great husband, father, son, and most importantly, a kick-ass brother-in-law. It my brother-in-law who initially turned down this potential union as he felt the age difference was too great. Yet, it works. As for the younger woman having to take care of her husband in old age, this scenario is only one of many. I know of men that have had to take care of their invalid wives and young husbands dying. If Benjamin is not fat, balding and dynamic, why stop him from someone with whom he can start a family?

Is it so hard to see?

I'm newly frum and NEVER did I dream that finding a shidduch would involve such nonsense !! I had no idea I would not be able to meet someone in the way I'm used to - seeing someone from across a room and asking about him, or being seen from across a room and being asked about. Even in the case of being set up with someone, I expected at least to be introduced at someone's Shabbos table. But because of this neurotic obsession with making sure there's no hanky panky, single men are not invited to the Shabbos tables where I'm invited, it's only single women with single women, and forget about the possibility of meeting someone at any simcha, where it was always tradition that it was the perfect place for people to be introduced ! I was at a wedding last night at which the mechitza between the dancing was so high it was like being in a completely separate room !

As for expectations on the part of men ? In the rest of society, the only men in their 40s and 50s who would even admit, let alone actually have this as a criterion, that they require a wife 20 years younger, are ridiculously wealthy. No one else has the audacity !

I never even had a list, nor thought of one, before I became frum. I never needed one ! I simply met someone, hit it off or not, and it never had to be anyone else's business. The way the whole thing is set up with this "shidduch world" business, other people by definition HAVE to be involved, which means I get asked what I'm looking for when I've NEVER been asked that my whole life ! In outside society it's practically considered being nosey to ask that. If a friend has someone to fix you up with, they tell you about that person, and you say if you're interested. There's no, "what are you looking for ?"

If we're hearing the same complaints and problems person after person, and if some of the difficulties are associated with learned expectations and community pressures, perhaps it's time for the entire community to admit that it's the community that needs to change, and not the singles who are having so much trouble ?

Has Benjamin looked outside of Toronto? Maybe it would be worthwhile to come to Eretz Yisroel to look for a Shidduch.

It seems, as a single woman, that usually there is a shortage of good men out there but this gentleman appears to prove the exception to the rule.

But you have to be realistic. Men and women age, they often put on weight over the years, they have flaws. Get someone you trust to be frankly realistic about your own shortcomings. If you are fat, grey-haired, wrinkled and not physically particularly attractive, can you really expect someone of the opposite sex who is young, slender and beautiful to be interested, however good a person you may be inside? You have to look for someone of a similar age, not for someone 15 or 20 years younger just because you are concerned about children (women in their forties, and even in their early fifties often can have children, and there is always the adoption option). A woman of 30 or 35 is usually going to want someone within a few years of her age. Most important of all: Throw out the expectation list and concentrate only on two or three essential qualities. (There is a rabbi in Aish HaTorah called Yom Tov Glaser who gives excellent talks on finding a shidduch and I would highly recommend hearing him speak about this).

In the past I got close to a man about 4 years older than me who had never married. He was a good, kind person, but subconsciously put up emotional barriers once it looked likely we could marry. Finally - and he took his time and I had to push him in the end for a decision, otherwise I fear I would still be in this non-committed emotionally close friendship which wasn't going anywhere and which was preventing me from looking for someone else - he decided that I wasn't the right woman for him. Frankly his expectations were completely unrealistic and I doubt he will ever find what he thinks he is looking for. The sad thing is, that we formed a good friendship and got on well together, and there was an attraction both sides. The potential was there, if only he could have been open to it.

However, it may be just as well, because recently I have started dating a good man whom I like and who appears to like me. And while not everything I might originally have put on my "wish list" seemed to be there at the beginning, looking beneath the surface and getting to know the man he certainly possesses all the important qualities of character I would desire in a spouse, in fact he is a wonderful person altogether and I believe, hope and pray that beezrat Hashem I may have finally struck gold.....Time will tell!

I had met and dated plenty of Benjamins. I am in my early 40's divorced and with 3 teenagers. I have a great job and many friends in my community.

The Benjamins I have met,either have very poor relating to people issues or are too overly set in their ways, and of course they want children of their own when they can hardly support or take care of themselves.

Although it is my earnest desire to remarry,a fellow that has had no significant intimate or personal relationship at age 50, just scares me.

I think it's short sighted for you to think G-d has someone special waiting for you. What are 'you' doing to live your life fully? There are more ways than procreation to add meaning & joy to you life, and still live by the mitzah of procreation. How many children could be helped by having someone like you in their lives? There are big brother/sister groups, sponsorships for orphans, where would Moses have been if he hadn't been taken out of the river? G-d has probably put many opportunities in front of you that you haven't noticed because 'you' want Him to fulfill 'your' dream, 'your' way. It's wonderful to have children of our own, to see our legacy carried on within flesh and blood, but it's only one of many many ways we can touch and contribute to the youth and the future of the Jewish people. I'm in no way judging you but only trying to show a different view of gaining what you long for. Blessings to you on your journey.

Jack Botwinik writes well. Unfortunately for Benjamin-a good man if he exist-the chances to meet a bashert are slim. Many women and men out there are not interested in a spouse, they're preoccupied by themselves. Once you miss the boat don't wait around on the quay but construct your own vessel-a good single life. Ha Shem may provide a passenger sooner or later.

I wish I could take a neon yellow highliter and highlite the paragraph about "on an individual level..." It means so much when a married friend calls and lets you know they haven't forgotten about you!

I wrote before and then yesterday in the kitchen at work a frum co-worker, a woman in her 40s with two teenage sons, said that she cannot get a single frum man to even look at her. She's smart, funny, educated and doesn't care if a man is rich. Indeed she's supporting her family as a professional scientist, and manages to pay for yeshiva tuition and her mortgage without her ex-husband.
What she wants is companionship, someone to grow old with, someone to love and love her back.
I know of several eligible bachelors who are moderately to very religious, and ten years her senior. But not one of them would even give her a second thought as she is "too old".
Its so sad b/c in the short time i've known her she has struck me as personable and vivacious... full of life and able to give someone who is lonely and seeking exactly what they need (even if she doesn't fulfill their "list")
What you want and what you need are often two different things. I hope to hear a story about Ben again soon telling us that he finally tore up that silly list, went for a woman his own age (and not the "girl") and how he is now at his happiest....

great, there are way too many choices, and ways to reject people nastly/ not to mention the dangers of it. I only dated guys online who knew people I knew, and still the pickings was slim and poor! I feel this is a way just to collect dates, and very few marriages come from it. And it works most for people out of NY/ and USA!

shidduch. The Problem is that people want pefect beauty, money, status, a dream person with a perfect flawless life. And that is not reality at all! This seems obvious but no one follows this. What is needed for a decent marriage that was truly lacking in my former marriage, was honesty, trust, acceptance, toleranace, love, caring, respect, open communication, and not invalidating a person's worth and feelings. My former marriage was one sided/ I gave till the breaking point, and when I got anything back it was at a very huge cost. I am not perfect, but I think it is truly unfair to have an one sided marriage- always be taken advantage of and not having a mutual loving relationship. Not every day has to be great, but the basic foundations have to be there of plain decency. And I am sorry to say for Frum People today this is lacking and that is why we have so many problems within our Community. By no means is Hashem pleased how we act and that is why we have troubled kids, unhappy marriages, unhappy singles first and second time ones. This is why we remain in exile at the mercy of our enemies. Let us not make enemies with in, let us be nicer to one another, and open one self to shidduchim that are not perfect, but decent and honest. And Yes please watch out for those who won't answer your simplest questions when you are considering a shidduch. This is the most important decision in life, not to be entered unprepared.
Much Nachat to all, and May Chanukah miracles bring us our Basherts soon, and in a mzaeldik time.

Good article. The same holds true for women as well. It is not easy even trying to find a place to meet other singles. The majority of singles events attract the same people over and over. Men have just as unrealistic expectations of women.
Benjamin-if this article was based on a real person, sounds like a terrific man.
If you know of someone who has true belief in Hashem, is a good person, likes to be involved in acts of chesed, and would be interested in a 45 year old divorced woman, please feel free to contact me. -I am also looking, and unfortunately most shadchans tell me what I am looking for is unrealistic. I just want a GOOD person, with a sweet neshoma.
thanks for your article.

A man at 50 wanting children isn't bad... and the statement that starts out "men like Benjamin" makes them sound like there is something wrong with them because they don't fit a specific mold. But in reality, there's nothing wrong with them, anymore than there is anything wrong with career woman who have hit their 40's and realize they want the family, too. Thankfully, there are many different types out there. As for online dating... it's not all it's cracked up to be... It's like being the kid in the candy store, so many things to look at, so many things to try out... And although I think it's more prevelant among men, it's also an emerging trend with many woman as well.
Today, they go out with someone, and enjoy their company, but don't have the ability to work on a relationship... because something better is always just on the next page... When everything is so easy and available... why work on a relationship. So sad, because they are missing out on the very best that life has to offer! When someone actually thinks that a long term relationship is 4 - 5 years... wow... how sad is that! BTW... I'm a size 2, worked as a model most of my life, personality that men love, they adore my smile and voice... but, yeah... it's still tough!

Yes, I have reached the half century mark but I am young at heart, athletic, loquacious and spontaneous. Where are you Benjamin?

My husband is a rabbi/counselor and over the years he has worked with many 'Benjamins'. We have also had them sit at our Shabbas table, sighing about how lonely they are and how they wish to be married. But the problems with these men is that they are too set in their ways or have baggage and unresolved issues from their past that prevent them from getting married. Some fear commitment. Others are too emotionally attached to their mothers and will marry only after Mama has left this world, deprived of the joy of grandchildren. A friend of mine was a shadchanit but gave up in frustration because all the 'Benjamins' wanted girls young enough to be their daughters. They need counseling to help them resolve their issues and then they can marry one of the many lovely women their own age, their real besherte. The halachic obligation to have children is often used by them as an excuse for not wanting to marry an older woman. But as young women are not interested in them, they will end up without children or a wife, lonely and miserable.
Counseling, not complaining, is the solution to the older singles problem.

My friend is not only spirited, spiritual, optimistic, warm, pretty, and intelligent, but also easy going, great with kids, and a great cook. Call me at 854-364-0082 for additional information.

their 30s. And consider a woman in their mid 40s as over the hill. When I was in college 21 years ago- my parents would have disowned me if I dated a guy much older than me. You mean today because I am in my mid 40s Baruch Hashem I have to remarry a guy in his 60s because guys my age won't give me the time of day, if that is the case I rather be still divorced. Shame on Frum men taking on the Hollywood notions! That is why you are alone- what will women in their 20s and 30s want from men in their 50s unless it is money- and there is such thing as prenuptual agreeements, also men in their 50s who go after young women want only sex, and a shame for families for approving of such matches in our frum klal!

I went out for many years. Eventually I discovered certain things about myself (without counseling) which was possibly (unknowingly) holding me back. Ok, so I tried this approach, and my attitude changed. Soon after, I became engaged. The issues weren't necessarily different than past girls. I have NO doubt I married my zivug...you'll never convince me otherwise. I only speak for myself. Keep davening and searching!

Making a shidduch won't solve the much larger underlying macro issue that judaism does not support the catholic-influenced seperatist culture which seems to evolved into this generations fad.
If you want to cure the problem and not just treat the symptoms, the focus should be on preventive measures to stop this perpetuating crisis rather than tackling its consequences after the fact.

Interesting that this "crisis" wasn't as prevelant back in the day when it was okay to mingle with the opposite sex, to learn adequate social skills versus being thrown on an akward date stammering away. There is NO halachik basis to ban coed kiddushs at shul, mixed seating at simchas and shabbos meals. It's alittle too late to wake up when someone is in they're over the hill aka. mid 20's, and only then it be permissable to start talking to the opposite gender, attend single events...
I can't tell you how many countless single events I've been to where people revert to their learned behavoir and create a natural mechitza talking to fellow people of their sex.
The REAL problem is in this generations outlook and views towards inter-gender socializing which are ingrained early on in ones development and carrys a hefty consequence as one develops. The community should start tackling some of the men-built barriers that inhibit people getting to know each other beyond the '15 minute snap judgment' interview.

Lastly, to respond to one of benjamin's complaints, yes you're right - ideally $ should not be a factor in choosing a mate. REALITY CHECK - you can't live on love alone. Yeshiva tuition costs $, kosher food costs $, rent costs $, heat costs $ - I'm not talking israel for the shalosh regalim luxuries here but no women wants to be 9 months pregnant and shoveling snow off their front walk b/c you can't afford to pay some kid $10 to do it. In the REAL world $ matters.

I am single, 41, divorced with 2 children, and the problem I have that gentlemen like Benjamin do no even want to consider me. I've even had men in their mid 50's turning me down as I am "too old". Now it's true I'm not particularly enamoured about having more children- grandchildrens fine..after all this is what my contemporaries are life circle, Baruch Hashem, and I do not really relish runnig after any teenagers - bless their cotton socks , when I would be in my late 50's early 60's, this is something, maybe, that men in their more mature years refuse to consider and address..so they remain single!

you're idea of a notebook is something the Gerrer Rebbe recomends. I have such a book- well it's a spreadsheet, and spend time promoting suggestions for older singles. Although I have never actually completed a match for ANYONE, I noticethat my list is considerably smaller since I started, and that is because of a concept of Bas Kol - Shamaim hears the suggestions and things "naturally" move along. We can all make a difference to each other, we only have to care enough!

Professor--
You should know that in Israel there are many, many people at your level of observance--not orthodox, but they keep kosher, shabbat, and holidays. Do you date online? If not, I recommend that you try, and that you be willing to date women from other countries. It might be difficult, but I believe you will meet many women who are looking for a man just like you.

First of all, I want to tell all older singles that there is hope! I know many people who dated for many years without finding their bashert. Several of them just got engaged and married in this past year. Unfortunately some have not yet met their bashert, but I fully believe it will happen.

We shouldn't assume there is anything wrong with Benjamin or his expectations. Sometimes it just takes people a long time to meet the right person.

That said, I do think more singles (young and old) need to realize that it's important to have reasonable standards. This doesn't mean lowering your standards--your standard is still that you want your bashert, your soulmate. Just keep in mind that your bashert might not turn out to be exactly what you expected.

I was blessed to marry at a young age. When I met my husband, he was not what I imagined my future husband would be. He didn't look the way I had imagined, he wasn't as intellectual as I thought he would be, etc. Does that mean I "settled"? Not at all! I married the best man I could possibly have met, the best man for me, and I thank Hashem for him every day. Ironically, many of the women I know who envy me my happy married life would have rejected my husband or a man like him, because he doesn't earn enough, or is "too religious," or something similar.

So remember, whether you are 20 or 50, your soulmate is out there, but s/he won't necessarily be exactly what you expected.

Can you wait while I get a divorce and convert to Judaism ? You sound like the best catch I've heard of for a long time & I can't understand why they aren't queuing up. At 47, you are still young & there must be a girl out there who will appreciate your integrity and unwillingness to compromise your beliefs and values . Congratulations on not doing so without being closed-minded. I hate to think that Judaism may be getting watered down, so keep the faith, Anonymous, you sound like a wonderful person & I wish I'd met you a long time ago...sigh...what more could anyone ask for ???

Hooray for "Anonymous" 12/10/07 "have we met": your analysis is right on. I was 28 when I met my 56 year old (later to be) husband. He was healthy until he was 72...the last 5 years of his life I was his 24/7 caregiver. It nearly killed me. I would not advise marrying out of your age group (plus or minus 5 years). Men end up getting your best years and you are left with heartache and feeling spent.

Benjamin like others stay light and casual never getting deeply involved or able to commit. Does he act sincerely interested or just moves conversation along. Eye contact or fidgety? Those who say they can't find anyone need to examine what signals they are sending to keep others at a distance. More than 80% of communication is non-verbal. These problems start with yourself and a good friend who will tell you what your real message to potential mates really is. Or a good therapist.

Most of the comments display a lot of frustration and dispair which can be understood only too well.
Of course, in order to achieve our goal, we have to constantly work on ourselves (which may, not must, include hard decisions such as pondering a marriage which will possibly bring the adoption of children- ONLY after having asked a rabbi)but together with this, we have to know that after all the work done, it's all in the hands of Hashem. You must have probably heard this a million times but: it's all in the hands of Hashem! Everything He does is for the ultimate good,so, too, when He wants a person to get married at the age of 40 or 55. Every hardship we go through is to make us grow and He is constantly watching over us. Please don't give up and daven! Look at the miracles that Hashem is performing constantly and keep in mind that He can do EVERYTHING! A lot of hazlocha!

Ben,
Do you have the faith of your Father Abraham? If He can open the wombs of Sarah, Hannah, Rachel and so many others why wouldn't he give you a child if you asked him? Why not try with a woman of faith close to your age? Not all women are looking for a rich man, but there is one or more out there looking for a man of faith.

has your shul set up a MANDATORY (granted -- whatever that means) shabat luncheon or friday nite dinner for every unmarried mitpallel (not just member)?

of course NOT! (I havent heard of any in any jewish community)

and i dont mean $100 a person; i mean $10 ($25 max). you dont have to segregate by age (though that might help. you dont have limit by gender (though that would help -- but if you make it MANDATORY, you'll get a reasonable mix). and MANDATORY includes those who dont go on singles events too. this is NOT a singles event. its a shul event.

granted the first few times it will be (somewhat) awkward (and those first few times will be more successful, believe it or not!

you dont have to be worried about the program; you dont have to worry about the food choices / menu. and you should NOT call it a singles event, though thats what it is. there should be definite pressure by the shul rov / president / gabbaim / etc on EVERY unmarried person to come (not for meeting purposes, but for shul / social purposes).

i know all the excxuses. i need babysitting for my children (make arrangements). its too soon after my divorce (no its not) i have older siblings who are not married yet (so what; or its not a singles event). i'll never meet anyone, or i'm not ready (same). i only date using a shadchan, or my own personal shadchan (its not a singles event). i'm seeing someone (trickier, but same -- it proves to others that its a shul event). i know everyone in shul (good, so you can come; you won't feel awkward).

and be sure to have a few (but not too many) marrieds, young marrieds, mentors, etc.

if not the rav, and/or the president, then some other deputized officials.

and this MUST be done MONTHLY, especially in the (short) winter months.

your shul will say, we're a member of xxx organization, that does this (or something like this). sure, they got a grant, and spend their time on a select few, and have luncheons, dinners, etc for themselves and their rebbetzins, etc, and nothing visible.

if aish wishes, they can contact me for details, etc.

thank you,

been there

Rabbi Matisyahu Solomon said that we should not judge an older single since this is a nisayon of the times in which we live. I do agree that singles are too picky but we must keep in mind and not underestimate the influence secular society wields on us. It is difficult for many people both married AND single to overcome these forces. I think it is wrong to stereotype Benjamin especially since we really know nothing about him. Instead of "judging" let us daven for all those seeking a shidduch regardless of the reasons we "imagine" as to why they are still single.

Poor Ben, he doesn't understand that he wants it both ways. He wants "her" to be so special but yet he is just an ordinary man himself, unable to make a committment in case someone better comes along. And he wants everything to be "perfect" from the beginning so he won't have to work at making it better. To build a house, you start with the foundation - if it is sound then you start adding rooms and untimately you decorate and add the finishing touches that make it perfect. Ben needs to find someone with the same values and goals with whom he can build a strong foundation. (build being the key word) Eventually with love, time and patience, the house will be complete and both can take pleasure and joy in what they have created together. It is about love, committment and patience and not about instant perfection.

If Ben (and others) who are interested in children are not married, they are freely available to adopt.

There are thousands of children who need homes, and Benjamin (and others) shouldn't hesitate to raise Jewish children simply because they're not married!

Since Benjamin of the article has never had children, the halacha is that it is preferrable that he marry a woman capable of having children.
If he cannot find such shidduch (or such women are not interested in him) then he should marry any woman (even though past childbearing age)

I know I haven't actually met Benjamin but I've met his type.
He's in his 50s and expecting a woman young enough to be his daughter to fall in love and marry him. As a woman approaching 30 I'll tell you my side.
I wouldn't want to marry a man who I will be nursemaid too in my 40s and 50s and then be left a young widow. If you add to that the fact that he doesn't bring in a large income will that mean that on top of taking care of a man more than 20 years my senior, and raising our children, I'll also have to help support him b/c his income is low.
Oh, where can I sign up.
Ben, you need to seriously look at that list of yours... something makes me think that its an unreasonable one. You HAVE TO CHANGE it if you want to get married... You can't blame ALL women for your failure... You have to look at yourself...
I often get emails on jdate from men just like Ben. They are "young at heart" and want me to be "open minded".... How about these older men be "open minded" enough to look at women their own age? Even if a women can no longer have children naturally does not lessen her worth. If you do feel that a woman who cannot get pregnant isn't worth it then please NEVER get married b/c you have no respect for women and no woman should be subjected to you.
You could marry a woman who already has a family and can be father to her children, or an older single woman with whom you can adopt children. There are plenty of kids out there who as toddlers or older children cannot find homes. These children are just as worthy of love as ones that you would make with your never to be young wife.
Lets stop making this about the women in the community who are shallow, materialistic, and picky.... Which they aren't. ANd let's look at what Ben, and his type,are doing wrong.
We women aren't saints or martyrs. We have to also look out for our own happiness and not be expected to severely lower our expectations for a man whose list hasn't changed in over a decade and which he refuses to budge from. He should be ready to lower HIS expectations too.

I believe that one of main reasons we have so many older singles is that they "shop around". Once you find someone who meets your basic requirements, someone you can get on with, and someone where chemistry is possible - what are you waiting for... Haven't you ever been to the store, found something that was good and then left it because you thought you could get better, only to come home with nothing at the end of the day. Don't miss opportunities sent by G-d.

I have read many of the comments below and I am a little shocked that many of them suggest that he marry a girl who is passed childbearing years. I am no Rabbi but the 1st mitzva of the Torah is Be fruitful and multiply and as long as a man is fertile he is obligated to fulfil this.
I am sure that this is the main reason why older single men are still looking for girls in their 30's.

I am becoming less and less sympathetic to these older singles who can't just make a choice to marry someone. They need counceling.

I always tell my 30-year-old unmarried daughter that when she is feeling "down" about her situation, she should think about the fact that somewhere, there is a really wonderful man who is miserable because he hasn't found her yet.

Thought this may be true in one case, to characterize women this way is way off base. I am about Benjamin's age and most of the women my age have no such checklist and are not materialstic. Most just want someone who can hold up his end. I certainly didn't expect to find this stereotype of the Jewish Princess coming from Aish.

That said, while Jewish organizations wring their hands at intermarriage, I am glad to see you make good suggestions. We no longer live in shtetls, and in our assimilated neighborhoods singles need help. So many synogogues focus on families and getting young people and intermarrieds active. Your suggestions are very welcome.

I would say Mr Benajamin should start finding the soul mate, it might be also a younge women, who would love to share a excellent chemistry in his life, with his own kids later in his family. God bless him

I think he is right on. At least two of my single 40+ year old single never been married children are waiting for "perfection". At least my oldest child is married and I have, thank God, grandchildren. What is a mother to do?

This list of unrealistic expectations is also formulated and reinforced by parents and shachanim. I told one shadchan lady that I didn't care about a man's income as long as he had a steady job doing honest work that he enjoyed. She thought I was nuts.

I think this article provided wonderful suggestions that I wish my rabbi and shul would implement. I will share this with them in the hopes of getting it going. Thank you! It's so true, we older singles are sort of locked into a holding pattern while we wait for our bashert to come along.

as an older divorcee wanting to remarry this article says it all. i would just add that if you ARE going to set someone up don't just pick any single woman in the community. do your homework on both before you attempt the shidduch. it will leave less frustration for the two parties and will show that you can be trusted to be considerate of each others needs/wants. carefu

Younger women will tolerate an older husband if he has "money". Your loving
pleasant wife who would like you fpr
yourself is near your age. The culture
is the way it is

I would like to add another perspective on this issue. I live in a community with a small Jewish population. The problem is further compounded in communities such as mine, where the Jewish population is small.

Thank you. Happy Chanukkah.

what about widows and widowers in their 50's and 60' They've had long happy marriages and would love to be married again. This is another unadressed form of lonelyness. We still have many good years left, but hopefully not on the shelf.

or second time singles as myself- a single divorced mom. It is lonely not to have a decent spouse, but it is more lonely to be in a bad marriage. Marriage is great but it takes 2 not one to make it work! And good old fashioned Menschkite, and not being a judge looking for perfection are the keys to maintain a marriage!
A Frealach Chanukah for all, and may the miracle of Chanukah bring our Zviguim, Basherts our way!
Mazel and Brochot to one and all!
A Friend!

Frankly my experience has been that Jewish men want to marry out of the faith and to someone skinny. That leaves Jewish women without mates. However Jewish women have the advantage because their children are Jewish and they can raise them Jewish. I have seen smart Jewish women expand the field by dating and marrying non Jewish men who are willing to get married and raise the children Jewish. These women generally gave a Jewish man a chance and he would not step up to the plate. I have seen couples adopt when conditions arose such as undiagnosed appendicitis that later prevented pregnancy. I have seen success in both US and Canada nationwide searches for private adoptions and adoptions in Russia.
I find it hard to believe this story. For every man, there is someone willing to put up with him. This is not true of women, especially if they stay in cities dominated by gays.
I saw a TV show on a matchmaker who counseled singles. It was interesting. She was dealing with men who were striking out. She counseled them by having the dates filmed and then showing the man where they were turning off women. They were unaware of what they were doing wrong. These matchmakers had psychology and counseling in their backgrounds. Most of the middle aged women I know found people despite Statistics that told them "to abandon all hope". I know there will be people who will not like this post. If I had to give advice to single people it is to not abandon your values. I know that this sounds like a contradiction of what I have said but it isn't. (The values I am referring to are marriage, children, a happy life, being treated nicely and with respect.) There are a lot of strange people with strange values with strange mental problems and you need to not waste time on them. Women have less time than men to waste. If you can trust your friends and family, bring the people around because you will see more when someone is in the company of people than one on one. Sometimes people are shielding themselves from reality by seeing a person one on one.

The article states: "He's clear on what he wants, and it hasn't changed significantly in the past ten years." Maybe that's the problem, at least for the past ten years. If he is still looking for a woman in her thirties, it is understandable that he is having difficulty. I personally know vibrant, attractive and loving frum women in their mid-forties and fifties who would make wonderful wives to the fortunate me - if only they would say "Yes, I would be privileged to meet her." If Benjamin and others in his painful, lonely, and frustrating situation are ready to open themselves up to this invaluable opportunity, please ask Aish.com to have your rav contact me via my email. I welcome the zechus.

I'm sorry to have to admit that I see this from a woman's point of view and don't believe that Ben is everything he says he is. There are plenty of divorced women with children that would love to have a man who wants to support a family - giving the love he has to her children and her, and work hard to make a Jewish home for everyone, including him, even with an income less than $100K. I'm sure he's dating girls who are young enough, and talented enough, and strong enough, to wait to meet a man who is their age, who will have their same values. It seems I'm not the only one who suspectes Ben is looking for a younger woman, rather than one that is his age, with his values, and he is the one with the expectations, not all other single women. I'm also not the only one who suspects that Ben is overwieght, and probably should work to make himself more attractive to the opposite sex, the way I'm sure the women he wants to date are doing. I guess I've been on the other side of this man on a date, to feel that I do know what he is like - his character - even though he thinks women aren't giving him a chance. I wonder if he's even made friends - just to be friends, with a woman his age, offered to take her to the Chanukah party - just as friends. That's how he will meet the right woman... not by calling girls that he wants to have babies with.... I suspect he's being the shallow one, not the women who are looking for the perfect mate. I believe the women have the right to look for the perfect mate for them too, since a woman's life is dependant on who she marries.

Finding a mate when we are not 20, more driven by hormones (honestly), and with a greater naivte it is realitely easier. Then we all look better, we are all more optimistic and childlike (which, in itself is attractive) making is so much more likely that we will find a compatible mate. As we age, we need to hold on to our childlike wonder, yet mature intellectually and emotionall. If Benjamin is looking for companionship of a lovely woman and he had developed some social graces, he will find someone. If he is looking for a youthful beauty to bear him children, his chance will decrease dramatically. And, those young women are not being mercenary when income is important. That is part of the biological drive to ensure that one's offspring shall be properly cared for.

I am a mature divorced woman who would love to have a warm caring relationship, but it doesn't look like it is a good bet that I will meet someone in whom I will find comfort, after 15 years of being single. I have tried to be wise in my dating habits, but it "ain't easy!" My best advice to Benjamim is to not behave desperately. Be willing to be friends firt without pushing for something serious. It is so pleasant to get to know someone slowly, to be allowed to fall in love (or learn to love, if that is preferable)

I agree with the other posters who speak about Benjamin wanting to start a family. He has immediately discounted women in their late 40s and beyond (who are, oddly enough, even younger than he). Yet, many women do not want to marry men 20 or 30 years older than they are! Thus, whether he realizes it, Benjamin's range of would-be wives are single women who prefer men who may be older than their own fathers. I'm female, and I'm not saying I would never marry someone that much older, I'll just say he would have to have some incredible outstanding attribute to attract my attention.

I echo the responses of several other commentators. You left out a critical piece of information in the article about Benjamin: Is he willing to consider a woman within five years (either way) of his age, or any other woman who is unlikely to be able to bear his children? I'm so tired of hearing older men complain that women want them only for their money. That's because they're dating 30 year olds who have no other attraction to them!!!Tell Benjamin and everyone else in his situation to look at the woman herself, and his potential relationship with her, rather than what he will "get" (children) from the marriage. Because with that attitude he'll continue to find only women who are looking for what they can "get" from him (money)!

" I'm so tired of hearing older men complain that women want them only for their money. That's because they're dating 30 year olds who have no other attraction to them!!!" Priceless! LOVE it!!!

Such a man like Ben was an aquaintance of mine and a single Rabbi...at 50 plus his expectations of marriage was to have a younger woman; but who would address all of his needs unrecognizing that if she was a working mother as well she would want to come home to a helpmate not just to meet all his needs, while he sat to wait for supper...he believed he could find a professional which would allow him to be a part-time professional speaker (since he preferred a 20 hour week)... the wife would gladly come home and meet his needs while dishes may lay in wait; dirty clothes wait to be washed; and children's schedules be met...then she was to fall into bed untired... realistic "partnership" was something he still needed to recognize...and he also overlooked women closer to his age... he was alone because he seemed to live in an unrealistic expectation... I trust he finds his true love; but he is running out of time if he does not take a second look.

Volunteering with others in this age group offers something to you by forming a like minded group, and to the organisation, such as Alyn, who need support e.g. through fund raising or hands on help - that way you get to know the real person, and don't need interviews. Good luck!!

Benjamin, I tell single people that G_d is either working on you or her...shes going to be almost perfect....;)

Yes, I truly understand benjamin. I am a single older female, never married. I read the comments about marring a younger women because men want childre. Yo, folks, there is adoption. As a single women I adopeted my daughter and i can tell you she has more of my blood then many biological born children. Those out there who have adopted know what I'm saying.
Also, Benjamin talks making judgements of him in the first 15 minutes of meeting. He to is making judements. He would never date me as I am consertive, not orthodoz. Very sad for him because I am a super great women, better then many orthodox women I know.And, I am not interested in his six figure income. I am doing ok on my own thanks to Hashem and my mother. I don't need his financial support, I need is loving arms, thank-you very much!

Does Benjamin look for women his own age? That may mean giving up the idea of having children, which I believe is misguided for someone old enough to be a grandparent. So many men think that they deserve a young bride, several years younger than they are. Why not his equal, a woman his age, or even older? Soemthing tells me he won't even consider that. Though I have compassion for him, my real empathy goes out to single Jewish women in their 50s who may be overlooked.

When I remarried at 58, I found a lovely bride whose children were already grown. I'm able to be a grandfather to her grandchildren, but without the strain of trying to start another family when I might be too old to finish the job properly. After all, how many people in their 70's would be up to dealing with teenagers on a daily basis? I'm not Abraham, and she's not Sarah, and we're better suited to raising grandchildren whom we can return to their mom and dad at the end of the day.

There are a lot of women out there who also want to find a good husband but who aren't going to be able to start a new family with him. Perhaps he should also focus on the pleasures of being a step-grandfather instead of engaging in fantasies of having children of his own. There comes a point in our lives when we're just too old for that, despite news stories about celebraties who father children in their 60s and 70s. Even they have to rely on nannies, butlers, maids and staff to help with the job.

...When his so called friends continue to invite the very same women year after year ot their table and then berate him for not lowering his standards. Why does the 375 pounder who refuses to shed an ounce deserve yet another look? Condescending comments about what someone elses needs are tends to distance friends & end relationships.

You think they don't harp on the women to "lower" our standards? Also, "woman must be at least 15 years younger" is not reasonable.

I am pleased that Aish HaTorah has published articles with increasing frequency on the most important subject of all - our very existence. It is indeed debatable whether there will be any non-Orthodox Jews in the Diaspora one century from now.

I am American, nearly 47 years old, a college professor, said to be considerate, intelligent, and good-looking, but never married. While not Orthodox, I pray daily, study regularly, keep kosher and am shomer Shabos.

I live in a major metropolitan area with good outreach organizations, many Jewish-related events (whether religious lectures or pro-Israel advocacy), and many singles online. Yet there is an unbridgeable chasm of observance among Jews I know.

The Orthodox Jews I know are becoming increasingly frum; I have been told plainly that I am "not on their level" - even while a family member assures me that my traditional halakhic observance of Sabbath makes me "extreme". The non-Orthodox women I encounter have no interest in observing kash'ruth or Sabbath. One happily married woman told me that her son is "the king of pork". Another woman whom I dated briefly, a widow with children, told me that it was essential that her husband play golf and fly with her to "the islands" four times per year.

Non-Orthodox Jews are entertaining themselves into assimilation and-or non-existence, while the Orthodox Jews I know seem to be trying to recreate 18th-century Lithuania or Ukraine here in America. I am watching my nieces and nephew grow up, announcing that their favorite food is shrimp, and shopping on the holy Sabbath. The bridge is being destroyed from both sides - both sides, I repeat. One side sees its glorious heritage as an embarrassment; the other side's motto seems to be "anything less than 613 might as well be 0".

I have slowly come to realize that it is very unlikely there will be a shiduch for me. One of the things I hope to have the time and energy to accomplish in this world is to rebuild that bridge between the two increasingly alienated communities of Jews, b'ez'rath HaShem (with G-d's help).

How I remember the days when my ex husband and I would have our Shabbos table full of singles and divorced men and women, often 10-15 on any given Friday night. Many of our guests came weekly and knew they had standing invitations. In fact, if we did NOT see them, they would have to answer to us the following morning at shul!
I have been divorced now for almost 10 years, thank G-d with a wonderful son. Sadly, most of those guests are still in the same position now as they were almost ten years ago.
When I first became divorced I received very few Shabbat invitations from the couples whom my husband and I had socialized with, mostly in Shul, and whose children my son played with. I didn't know what to make of it. But I considered the very real possibility that perhaps some were uncomfortable about feeling as if they had to "choose sides" and were concerned about inviting me as opposed to my ex husband.
Seven years ago, I moved cross town from the Upper Eastside to the Upper Westside on Manhattan, still living within the modern Orthodox community. NO CHANGE!
I continued to invite people for Shabbat meals but usually ended up with a table full of kids, my son's freinds. I was close to 2 families and occasionally had them over and often shared meals at their homes. Other than these families, we have NEVER once been invited for a Shabbat meal to any of my son's classmate's families or members of our shul!
Oh, don't get me wrong. My son is an extremely popular kid with a huge amount of friends. The phone would ring off the hook with constant requests for play dates, sleepovers, etc. and he has gone to most of their homes. Shabbat invitations??? I can count on my one hand.
Of course, I thought, perhaps it's ME! Hey, one must be honest with themselves.:) But I know that I have always gone out of my way to treat people with respect and kindess and have felt terribly if I thought I may have hurt somebody.
As much as I try and not judge the behavior of others (I certainly would not want to be judged!) I am human and often do. Perhaps what I see as unkind or thoughtless behavior is simply just people who are just too busy. Perhaps they are too engaged in other forms of Chesed, which I know so many truly are.
What I will say though is that having been raised in an Orthodox home, I had come to expect much more from our community. Personally, I did not need invitations for Shabbat meals. I just felt that it was important for my son to be among familiies and friends when he spent Shabbos in the city with me, as opposed to with his father, which is quite often. It hurt me for his sake the he saw the lack of kindess being extended. After all, children see everything.
Are these other parents not equally concerned about the messages they are giving their own children when they only include the few "chosen" members of their group?
Many years have gone by. My son now spends most Shabbats with his father since he has become a Bar Mitzvah. I certainly understand his need for this, considering not only the limitations in our community, but his age and the amazing relationship he has with his father. When we spend Shabbat together we stay with my parents, which is also a wonderful place to be. What a shame though that we actually need to go someplace outside of our own "community" to feel at home on Shabbat...

It would seem to me that Benjamin, and men his age, would prefer a woman in her thirties, who are able to bear children. What of single women in their fifties who might be interested in Benjamin and men his age, who do not want children or who are unable to become pregnant?

Excellent summary of a growing issue. this is a community issue, everyone must step up, but it is also a very personal issue for the single. Where just as on a communal level patterns must change, so to for the individual.As a professional life coach, my work supports change and action leading to marriage. No judjment! love and support of our single brothers and sisters leads directly to them having the opportunity to love and support others.

I am the female version of Benjamin and my "problem" was surviving illness as a very young child that left me unable to have children and that "problem" ended the few opportunities I had for marriage. I always believed that my love for hashem and observant lifestyle would help me in my search for a life partner. I was open to adopting children but it was not to be. With infertility on the rise, the religious community needs to address this concern.

I can truly understand Benjamin's frustration, but he can't give-up. He also needs to understand that "no marriage" is better than a "painful marriage."

I am an attractive and smart 45-year-old Jewish convert. I work in a field that I love because I am able to serve Hashem and because of Hashem's mercy, have been blessed with a good salary and children who are becoming good and decent people.

Sadly, I am in a 20-year-old marriage with a very seriously mentally-ill man. Things are OK for now, but the negative effects of this life are now taking a toll on my children and I know that it is only a matter of time when the illness will rear its ugly head again.

The peaceful days are growing fewer and fewer. The days filled with anger, threats, and pain are becoming more and more frequent. It is not a matter of IF my marriage will end, but WHEN.

There are many women who would be honored to be Benjamin's wife.

Don't give-up.

While my heart goes out to 50-year-old Benjamin, I am wondering if this "wonderful man who is still single" dates women in their 40s who have never been married. Because in my experience, older single men will only date younger women with whom the statistical likelihood of having children is probable. Besides the fact that women in their 30s are unexcited by the prospect of dating men in their 50s, an entire slew of women in their 40s (and whose fertility may not be compromised!) are ignored/personae non gratae. As a result, a lot of people of both genders are left waiting unnecessarily for their basherts, and are meanwhile alone.