Surviving a Long-Distance Relationship

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Surviving a Long-Distance Relationship

The Agony and The Ecstasy... of long distance relationships. So rarely does one cliche so succinctly sum up something.

Those of us who've tried can all attest: it's haaaaaard.

There are different kinds of relationships across the miles and they require different things.

Some start out that way, such as when you meet Mr. Wonderful at your friend's wedding in Wisconsin -- and you live in Biloxi.

Or, perhaps the Mr. Wonderful you've been dating for five months in Biloxi gets sent to Chicago for a six-month assignment. Or, worse yet, his dream job moves there permanently and you don't want to choose between your own dream job (still in Biloxi) and your dreamy boyfriend.

The differences between the three are vast. You and Wedding Wonderboy are getting to know one another across the miles, while the relocations take away a known quantity.

Building a new relationship is a whole lot harder than maintaining an existing one. The easiest one to weather is the temporary shift – if you're committed to the relationship, you just have to figure out a way to survive six difficult months. But even that isn't easy.

DEFINE YOUR TERMS

You can ease a lot of long-term discomfort and confusion by defining your expectations in advance.

For instance, unless you're looking for a casual, non-exclusive relationship, at some point, one of you is going to have to move. That can add a whole lot of stress to your already strained couplehood. So, from the beginning, set out a game plan.

Are you evaluating whether one of you will move, and if so, does that mean marriage? Or are you just trying to maintain the relationship as it stands now, perhaps in a different place?

Recognize that you can't compare a long-distance relationship to one based on physical proximity. But you may be surprised how much a relationship can grow – if you work at it. Late-night talks and thoughtful letters can convey a lot of what is most important in the long-term: your goals, values and dreams.

But simple companionship and connectedness is often the meat and bones of a relationship -- and you still have to prepare yourself for the absence of his or her warmth, smile and all the wonders of non-verbal communication.

When a boyfriend and I were separated for three months, I drove him absolutely crazy because I needed -- non-negotiably -- to talk to him each day.

We discovered this when somehow we skipped two planned phone calls and I completely freaked out. I felt millions of miles away from him (really, it was only 9,000), unloved, uncared for, forgotten... and I was sure he'd been hit by a bus and that's why he couldn't get to the phone.

Definitely one of my finer, rational moments.

What had actually happened was that the nine-hour time difference got in the way. He was in Israel and I was in the States and he somehow thought that calling at 3 a.m. was inappropriate.

Call me foolish.

Remember this: missing a day (36 hours in my case) does not indicate relationshipial jeopardy. If a phone call gets missed or an e-mail doesn't arrive, do not assume that your darling has run off with the cleaning lady or been hijacked.

Discuss your communication needs and limits. It's likely that one partner will need more communication more than the other. Be prepared to be flexible.

If you want more contact than your partner, try to be less demanding. If you need less, try to be a little more communicative than you might tend to be. Meet in the middle.

For instance, if he wants to talk daily and you don't, perhaps you can commit to sending a one-line loving e-mail each day, just so he knows you're thinking of him.

BRANCH OUT FROM THE PHONE TREE

E-mail is a wonderful invention for separated loved ones and is particularly useful in helping to avoid transferring your IRA directly to AT&T.

On the other hand, be careful about relying on e-mail to resolve conflicts.

The problem here is that e-mail feels as casual as a phone call, but it's permanent. The words are there in black and white. Tone, intentions and content can all be easily misconstrued.

Just remember: this is a note, not a Talmudic passage to be read and re-read for every hidden nuance, message and subtext. (Being overly analytical can be a real burden here.) If you have an issue to resolve, try to do it over the phone or in person.

You even have other options.

To cut down phone costs, try calling your Beloved One when you know he or she won't be in -- and leave a "thinking of you" message on voice mail.

Before Alexander Graham Bell ever was born, people kept in long-distant contact by writing words on a piece of paper, which they then placed into an envelope, affixed a postage stamp (in those days, you had to lick them), and then mailed through the post office. These were called "letters."

You can also send care packages and little gifts, or peruse the selection of sicky sweet cards at your local Hallmark store.

SHARE THE BURDEN

However you do it, be conscious of the costs involved and try to apportion them in a fair manner. It can cause resentment if one of you foots the bill for everything.

That's a doubly sticky situation since it leaves the big spender somewhat in control of the relationship.

With visits, alternate who visits whom and consider meeting in the middle on occasion.

Remember this: if you can't openly discuss your feelings about how you're spending money, you'll have a hard time building a long-term relationship with this person. Keep in mind that the tensions that arise now are opportunities to strengthen your relationship for the future.

MAKE THE MOST OF TIME TOGETHER

When you are together, expect pressure (whether it's because you have issues to discuss or not). Don't spend so much time agonizing over and planning out your time in concert that you forget to enjoy it. Every moment does not have to be perfect or perfectly scheduled.

Conversely, understand that the perfection of weekend getaways likely won't continue once a normal relationship is possible.

Ultimately, a normal relationship is the goal. And using some of these tools will stop "separation pressures" that might prevent you from getting there.

Published: Saturday, July 21, 2001
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Visitor Comments: 144

(144) Anonymous, February 7, 2010

stepping into LDR in less than 2weeks

im moving away for college oceans away from my bf.We have been together for over 1.5 yrs now and are a very committed minded couple.This will go on for almost 3yrs and js thinking about it is making my mind boggle. I love him so much and i donno how will i handle not being able to see him every day.But reading all the posts really helped,i believe we'll be one of the couple who will get out of LDR with a happy ending.I am trying very hard to stay positive and he has been VERY understanding and matured about the whole idea,we also have future plans. I think doing all the homework before will help ..i js need every one's best wishes now!!
(143) Zee, February 6, 2010

It's used to be harder

I've been into a long distance relationship too back in 98. Half world apart. Calls between US to Philippines was 40 cents per minute and it lasted 2.5 years. Airfare is almost than $1,000 two way. Now we have VoIP and it is much much cheaper like 12c per minute (from Onesuite.com) from US to Philippines and Philippines to US is just 2.5c. Now if we only have VoIP before maybe, just maybe our relationship never had to end.
(142) Anonymous, January 18, 2010

over wide oceans...

met this wonderful guy thru a chatroom...we've been enjoying each others company thru emails and msn,but big distance problems..one lives in europe the other in usa.dont know if its possible to work,we both want it too but its really hard.maybe only time will tell,until then just have to enjoy each others company via the internet....
(141) AnonOz, January 17, 2010

He won't move for me!

Hey everyone. This is a toughie. I live in a town that is 5000miles away from my boyfriends. Last year, after 5 months of doing a long-term r'ship, I eventually moved the 5000 miles to my boyfriends town. I dreadfully missed my friends, my family, my old lifestyle - and my bf wasn't willing to compromise on living anywhere else, so I decided to move away. I've only been gone a month but I miss him terribly! I feel like going back, but then I think the same problems will arise (missing my old life)... and if he is unwilling to negotiate, what does that mean? We still love each other and talk all the time and believe one day we'll be together. Just find it a shame that I have to do all the sacrificing!
(140) READER, January 13, 2010

WE ARE COMMITTED TO EACH OTHER.

DISTANCE DOES NOT MATTER IF TWO HEARTS ARE LOYAL TO EACH OTHER. HE'S IN BRAZIL AND I'M IN CANADA (FILIPINA). I WAS IN RJ, BRAZIL 6 MONTH AGO. WE TALK EVERYDAY AND TEXT MESSAGE EACH OTHER. WE HAD BEEN IN LDR FOR A YEAR AND HALF. WE BUILD OUR RELATIONSHIP BASE IN TRUST. A COUPLE WHO ENTERED A LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP MUST AGREE THAT THEY ARE IN COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP. NO MATTER HOW LATE AT NIGHT MY FIANCE TEXT MESSAGE ME TO LET ME KNOW THAT HE'S OK AND WANT TO TALK BEFORE HE GOES TO BED. HE TELLS ME EVERYTHING. EVERY SINGLE THINGS HE DO IN DAY TO DAY BASIS HE SHARED IT WITH ME, AND SO AM I. WE KNEW THAT WE LIVES THOUSANDS MILES AWAY FROM EACH OTHER, BUT THE FEELINGS IN OUR HEARTS WILL NEVER CHANGE. TRUST, RESPECT, LOYALTY, LOVE ETC. ARE THE KEYS TO MAKE LDR. WORK. AND COMMUNICATION OF COURSE. MY FIANCEE IS COMING HERE IN CANADA SOON. IT'S JUST A MATTER OF TIME WE WILL BE TOGETHER.

(139) MAGEN, December 22, 2009

Surviving long distance relationships

thanks ver helpful it makes me worry less but it is difficlut especially when u truly love that person
(138) Anonymous, December 22, 2009

Long Distance is HHHAAARRRDDDD...!! trust me

For the past 2 yrs we have been living far apart, me in the other end of the world he's at UAE..A workign mum, studying and with one child is no joke! We meet once in every 5mths or half a year and most of the time we chat via SKYPE or MSN and to be truthful..its really challenging.. Lots of ups and downs, jealousy, unnecessary arguments and it hurt both parties deeply.. He's still in UAE and i'm in my own county...i just hope he would come back to us and not work there anymore..coz money can't buy LOVE..
(137) Anonymous, December 20, 2009

Married Couples

What about the challenges faced by married couples being geographically separated?
(136) Anonymous, November 30, 2009

Harder with children...

These are tremendously helpful tips. I've been in a long distance relationship for 5 months now. I've flown to see this love of my life just about every month since we first met. Initially my feeling was I would move to his home town to be with him (bringing along my 4 children. He has 2 children of his own). I was ready to jump right into it but that changed after the first time we spent time together with my children in tow. We realized some of the challenges we faced and decided it would be best to wait out a school year before making any final decisions about taking our relationship to the next level. He has informally asked me a number of times to marry him and of course I've said yes; however, the issue of a move for one of us is imminent. My moving to his home town would mean splitting up my children (leaving an older one behind and taking my 3 younger ones with me). It would also mean separating my children from their father (or vice versa if my love should ever decide to come to my home town which is highly unlikely). Long distance relationships present it's own set of challenges; however, happy endings can still result. That's the desire of my heart....
(135) joyruscelle, November 27, 2009

we talked everyday, but i still miss him

he's in japan and im here in the philippines... almost four years now of our distant relationship, but still not used to our situation...we get to be together for a month every year and it's really hard, esp. everytime he flies back to japan, it's like a month of agony and undrying tears. I still miss him though we talked everyday. I seem selfish since i had to demand time from him just to communicate with me, and im guilty. He thinks i don't trust him, but it's not my point. i just miss him. but we're planning to wed next year. hope everything goes well with us.
(134) Geri, November 21, 2009

It's possible!

I'm into year two of a relationship with someone 1,500 miles away and it is the best, healthiest relationship I have ever been in. We plan to live in the same town in another six months, so now we're on the downhill slope! It's been 100% worth it.
(133) Deanna, October 21, 2009

Hurtful and Hevenly

I was with a guy for five months before an unexpected moved forced us apart, its been three months away, and i still have another eight. It hasnt got any easier, it hurts more everyday. But Im lucky enough to see him every weekend, it feels like a dream. It is possiable to do, and it works, because he just asked me to MARRY HIM!!!! Hang in there everyone you will be togather in no time!!!!!!
(132) Kandice, October 12, 2009

hard, but not impossible.

im going on my one year. we started out together for nine months had rocky moments..but were still here and are willing to work for eachother. ive been away from him for three months..i have to be away from him for another five. i visited him september 18th. and it was magic. we talk everyday, and i trust him. as well he trusts me. the wait is killer. and the non physical contact is the worst. not being able to see his smile or hold his hand. its tough. but worth ever minute. i just know now to cherish togetherness more than i did back when i thought it would always be around. this helped, i know we can do it. hes my everything(:
(131) Anonymous, September 28, 2009

This was the best

This article is eight years old, I am not Jewish, and I ran across it unexepectedly - but this is my life. Very, very truthful and helpful advice. I am going to share this with my loved one, who I am sure will agree. Awesome. Thank you for the insight. I've been suffering through this (strong language but that's how I've felt) and I have not been able to adequately explain my feelings to him or to others. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
(130) Jenn, September 21, 2009

Met Long Distance.... Still Long Distance

My boyfriend and I met in Israel but we both live in the states, me in NJ and him in Ohio. We've spent the past 19 months flying back and forth to our respected cities, meeting family, friends and having an amazing time, we've developed a very loving relationship over the time, but its so hard, life changes so often and we have both missed out on a lot of important times couples should be together for... and whats even harder is who should move where, and when. Although we've been able to handle the distance, it's been a long road but we're never bored and there's nothing i regret from it :)
(129) emotional bt o.k., September 21, 2009

new to this-- cry everyday

just started this LDR thing. shes in ottawa and im in toronto. weve been together for 2 years and she left 3 weeks ago. it feels good knowing that these things work, and if we were meant to be, than theres nothing to worry about.
(128) Rose, September 21, 2009

With true love and trust it is possible

I am in that situation for one and a half year. My boyfriend and I were dating in the States for over 1 year, than I had to move to Brazil, where I am still. He came to visit me about 6 times since I got here. And we just got married!!! In about 6 months, please G-d I will be back to States. This is an exemplo that w/ true love and trust, a long distance relationship is possible.
(127) Melissa, September 17, 2009

Hopeful

I am in the midst of surviving a 9-month long separation from my love. 15 days into it, and I already have nay-sayers. Reading your comments gives me hope and reassurance that we can do this. Thanks!
(126) sissica16, September 8, 2009

its rough

me and my boyfriend have been together for awhile, we've known eachother for about two years and we've had bumps but now we're really in this and well a few weeks ago he had to move to wyoming for a job, while im stuck in Tennessee. but hes making really realllly good money, and i think if we can get through this then we can get through anything. so i wont give up because it will all be worth it in the end... after reading these stories i think i can really do this =]
(125) Anonymous, September 7, 2009

Wow.

I would just like to say that this seriously creeped me out. Because my boyfriend lives in Biloxi.
(124) Anonymous, August 31, 2009

Going through the same thing.

Me and my boyfriend have been together for 1 year. 10 of those months were normal. We saw each other every single day literally. Then he had to go to military school. He now lives 8 hours away :'(. Its hard. But I wasn't appreciative of the time I had with him before. I visited him this weekend for the first time in 2 months. (it was a special event in his school) Omg though it was the best thing. I'm really paranoid and before that weekend I had not talked to him in 3 weeks so I was really thinking that he forgot about me and didn't love me anymore. But wow was I wrong! I don't think I've ever had so many butterflies in my stomach :) my advice for everyone would definitely be to stay strong because even if it doesn't feel like it now, your relationship will be so much better and stronger at the end because you have both proven that you have what it takes to stay together no matter what. And I know there are some days you just feel like breaking down and just giving up(i've had lots of those days), but pick yourself back up and stay strong because life goes on. Appreciate the time you have together or the phone calls or email. Time does not stop ticking ever and if you guys are meant to be then everything will work out.
(123) Marilyn Tolliver, August 30, 2009

The distance is far, but the heart is near

I have met someone that I feel G-D has brought into my life, It is a long distance relationship that deserves the chance to survive. My affirmation is our feelings can and will go the distance. know and believe this Robert it will.
(122) Love struck, August 24, 2009

Same problem......

Me and my girlfriend went out for maybe 3 months and then she moved to brasil. (im in the states). So weve been talking and its been 2 years since. She is not able to move back untill her college is done and she can barely visit. And were basically stuck for the moment.
(121) dhananjay, August 21, 2009

am goin thru one right now and wat really helps is that we started out in the same place and then she moved about 600 km away to complete her education. we talk about the dates we hav been on so far and plan to relive them again. we both maintain diaries which we share with each other when we meet and keep in contact with each other thru sms and phone calls. pls remember that a LDR can produce superb or disastrous results. if you can survive through it then the bond between the 2 of u is much stronger than a normal couple and if it dosent work out then you will feel as if you have died inside. stay positive and never let go. be strong and remember that he/she always luvs u. do not fall victim to doubt or be possesive. best of luck to all of you
(120) Anonymous, August 17, 2009

i can relate

i kinda laughed at myself reading this i am so going through it especially the omg he didnt call me parts like i feel as if he doesnt care anymore or i am losing him i am definatly the one that needs a constant update and it causes alot of anxiety if i didnt hear from him really sucks but then he is the one with the anxiety if he knows ive gone out or was with a guy friend the article gave me hope that it will work out and i am not alone in how i feel just need to keep faith in the fact if u love one another u love them for a reason and are holding on through the difficult seperation for a reason if u hadnt had love u wouldnt be able to hold on thanks for helping me have a lil more strength to keep it goin
(119) Amy, August 14, 2009

I miss him too much.

Ive been going out with my boyfriend now for 13 month and i have loved every minute of it! At first we used to see alot of each other, we would both catch the train to see each other and vise versa.I get sooo excited when i go down to see him, i have never had this feeling before. However, the last 4 months have been difficults because he got a new job which he then became full time which is fgood or he wouldnt be able to pay for his car, insurance etc. I am currently still at college going into my second year and that is also full time. i have just got a part time job so through the week i am at college, and at weekends i am at work trying to save up money. With him having a full time job and me at college and at work, we do not see each other! and we cant possibly see eahc other witout quiting our jobs! We ring each other everyday and i get so excited just to hear his voice, i really do love him to bits, but its getting too hard and i cant cope anymore ! I love him soo much and just want to see him! What solutions do i have ? Help please
(118) lonelywithoutu, August 13, 2009

I went to school with my boyfriend 19 years ago and I found him online and we hit it off right from the start we both enjoy the same things and I am crazy about him, the sad part is he lives 950 miles away from me. We have been doing a long distance relationship for 7 months now and weve had our ups and downs just like any relationship. He doesnt want to move were he is so I am the one that is going to move. I am scared...would like to know some opinions on what to do. The economy is not helping either because I want to ba able to get a job before I move down there!!! Ugh Help but everyday gets harder and harder without him
(117) Anonymous, August 13, 2009

Thanks!

Thanks for the article. I like a guy who lives in another state and it's 6 hours driving. We call each other and write e-mails. Sometimes he is really busy and there are days without receiving an e-mail or a phone call from him. I got upset and worried too when I didn't hear from him. Sometimes I even cried because I would start thinking that he might have forgotten me and stopped liking me. I thought about his every word and if it may mean he likes me more or less. Like never before, now I will try to enjoy every moment of my life and live the present. True love lasts forever and if G-d planned to put the seeds of love into our hearts, it will grow and never stop growing and nothing can be destroyed what G-d has joined.
(116) Marina, August 2, 2009

This article gives me hope

Thanks to everyone who commented on this article and for the article itself, it really made me believe that I can work through the difficulties and have a successful LDR. I am 17, my boyfriend is 18. We've been going out for 4 months before he had to move to America for university. Now we live miles and miles apart, a visit to see him would take 12 hours on a plane. When we decided initially to have a LDR, we expected it to be hard, but we were hopeful. A month later, my doubts began to creep in and I kept questioning if it was worth it through suffer through the nights of worrying, thinking he might hook up with another girl, thinking he might grow more and more distant. We hit a rough patch a month in and we had to reevaluate our relationship. We both love each other and I do believe that one day, we will get married, and I'm happy to say, we sorted it out. Each day is tough and I'm learning to stay positive in the present and not think about the past and the future. I won't be seeing my boyfriend for another 6 months until he visits, and I really do believe that we can make it until we can be together fully again, whether it be another 4 or 5 years because we love each other. Thank you for this article.
(115) Jervz, August 1, 2009

Fight the loneliness with available technology

Pretty good points. Just make sure you keep the line of communication open and call every now and then. Long distance relationships doesn't need to be costly - http://blog.onesuite.com/?p=254 If you have a webcam then use it as much as possible, it will help fighting the loneliness. Good thing we have internet now, just think about a couple of decades ago when long distance calls re darn expensive and mails will take a week to arrive.
(114) Anonymous, July 30, 2009

I Been In A Long Distance Relationship For 4years And Now We About Get Married Tomorrow'.
(113) , July 27, 2009

Dear "Suffer" If you love her and want to marry her, why does she have to be the one that moves... you move... or do you not love her as much as you say.
(112) Anonymous, July 13, 2009

Wow im amazed. thanks Liba!

My boyfriend and I met in an online game. We live in different countries. When we got into this relationship, we both know that it's gonna be long distance since we both aren't yet financially ready to relocate. We built this relationship far away from each other but I did get to visit him for 8 days after one month. It was great and wonderful, we were still ecstatic about the whole idea of being in love. My next visit was 6 months after, and during that time, we both were more comfortable with each other already. After I got back though, I noticed changes from him. He used to cannot let a day pass without calling me or chatting with me. This time though, he got so busy with work and his friends and he was always out. Our phonecalls were shorter and most of the time when I call him, he's always about to go and can't talk. I felt so neglected and so not special. I tried my best to understand this phase in our relationship but no matter how hard I do, I couldn't help feeling forgotten and taken for granted. He knows I wanna talk more but he just can't find the enthusiasm to do so. He said he hates the fact that that was all there is to it in chat. He told me to get on with my life, enjoy with friends, while we wait for 4 months when he's coming over my place. I trust him and he trusts me. I just do not understand the sudden shift in how he communicates with me right now but I am working on it. He still calls me and goes online but not as often. This article really opened my mind that it is just normal. So thank you author Liba Pearson, you helped soothe my heart a lot. Romance will have its own phases. Good luck to us having LDR. Only us can truly relate to how damn hard our relationships are.
(111) Anonymous, July 12, 2009

New at this-any sugestions???

I have recently been thrown into a long distance relationship after being with my girlfriend for 10 months. She has only been gone for a little less than a month but i feel like im going insane everyday! Ive never felt like this before, it is as if I have lost my mind and I feel like no one else understands. It is comforting to read some of these comments along with the tips, to know that this is ok, and i just need to think positive. However, thats the problem, i cant think positive. I have to alway be thinking of everything negative that "might" happen- maybe she will find someone else, maybe she will start enjoying being single all over again, maybe she will like where she is and choose never to come home, maybe she will just all together loose love in me. Now unlike many of you she is only gone for another two months hopefully, but since i am new at this i cant seem to wrap my mind around this. This is tearing me apart. Do you have any suggestions to help me think positive and get through this???
(110) tee, June 17, 2009

great article

i have been in a long distance relationship for 23months and i think it totally sucks cos its been really hard on me . We haven’t seen each other in 11months just cos of school, work and the cost to travel around (he lives and go to school in London and i live in the united state). Sometimes i just feel disconnected from him and the relationship because i don’t really have any moment to hang onto from the last time we met. He just seems to busy and i had to be the one that went "looking for him kind of" he only took me out on a date a day be for my flight back to the United States (all in the name of his work and school he was just way too busy for himself). I just don’t know what to do its just too hard and I don’t want to be the clingy one I was already named to be cos I am a kind of person that wants some there close to my heart to always be there for me at all time. But that is just not the case for me here I just feel like I am all alone in this relationship and the one that is always complaining just cos I am trying to make sure I can give my whole heart to him without him tossing it around or smashing. But all l am doing (is just trying to hang on to a lil portion of me incase something bad happens to the relationship). It’s sad that he doesn’t see that because I find it harder and harder to explain or tell him how I really feel about him. I am not able to cos he doesn’t pay attention to that extent to get to that in our conversations and we never really talk about when or how he would come over here or I would go over there. This type of conversation only happens whenever I bring that up and we never ever get to a conclusion of what we would do together to better our relationships. Even though it’s a long distance relationship, It just seems like I want a lot more from our relationships than I love you I miss you and I would marry you or I want to be with you. I mean we put our relationship in its rightful place the distance wont have to be a problem all the time. and most of the time when I make him mad or he mad me mad HE NEVER CALL ME or EMAIL ME . He doesn’t even contact me at all nothing I am just always there on my own hoping that he calla which in the process I always end up being the to call him. To me that like of attitude coming from him means YEAH YEAH YEAH SHE WOULD CALL ME WHEN SHE IS READY TO TALK. And that hurts me a lot cos I always want to communicate with him no matter what and that just assures me that everything would be fine despite the distance. I mean he his almost we both would be 23years old this year and we both know what we want for and in our lives cos we are not kids anymore. ( AND ONE THING I WOULD HAVE LOVED HIM TO BE HONEST ABOUT IS FOR HIM TO TELL ME ITS OVER WHEN HE THINKS HE IS DONE THAN FOR ME TO GET HURT FOR A LONG TIME FOR NOTHING. Seriously I just don’t know what but all I am doing is waiting for the next time me meet again face to face.
(109) sufferer, June 15, 2009

Thank you but be prepared

I have been in a LDR for 5 years. It started off long for the first 3 years, then was one year of living in the same city, then was one more year of LD. Fortunately the deal saver has been that we've only lived 120 miles apart this whole time. However it has still been extremely difficult. LIke any good relationship trust is the foundation for success, and we both know that we can trust eachother, so that has probably been the catalyst for remaining together. However, neither of us wants to live in the others city. After one year of being at a different school, plans have changed and she wants to go to a different school in the same city. I don't like that idea and in fact resent it that she won't consider coming back home. I want her to move back down to her hometown nearer to me and live down here so that we can have a normal relationship and start a life together. I want to marry this girl but by staying so far away she is making it so hard on me. I don't want to give an ultimatum but I also don't think I can handle two more years of long-distance. Maybe I should have ended this thing long ago and I am just a sucker but love can be the worst thing ever when coupled with distance over a long period of time.
(108) Barbara, June 7, 2009

Great advice

Enjoyed the article. I've been in LDR for 2yrs now & the distance has gotten easier..which may be a problem. At first I missed him a lot since I am a relationship type, while he wasn't even looking for a relationship. We see wach other every 4-6 wks but the visits last about 4-6days. Financially he can not provide for me & my kids & I refuse to take care of a grown man. He also helps his mother with his handicapped brother. I want to be with him and I KNOW we can have the best life together but sometimes I feel like letting it go because even he doesn't have a plan in place as to when we will be together under one roof.
(107) Andrew, June 5, 2009

Long distance works.

I was living in Toronto, Canada with dual British and Canadian citizenship. She was living in Hong Kong with two kids, American citizenship with permanent Hong Kong residency. We now live in Atlanta, GA. Just do it.
(106) lisa, May 27, 2009

great article!

Great article! In every relationship we have to speak about the things that we need (well, once we know what they are) and make sure that our partner is listening. Yes, long distance relationships may seem different, but that doesn't mean they aren't "normal". I was in a LDR for 2 years and we now live happily together. the blog at www.coupledtogether.com has great ideas and advice for couples doing long distance.
(105) Cheryl, May 16, 2009

good advice thank you

I meet this amazing man. Our first date was 6hrs long and would have gone longer if I hadn't had to go get my kids from their dad's house. After that day we spent every single day together and each date was amazing. then a couple of weeks later he had to go back home. He lives in another state on the other side of the country. And I live in the midwest. I know he's been talking about moving back here, and even tried to get a job while here. We decided before he left that we would see where this thing with us goes. The time apart has been hard on me, He really is the man I have been dreaming of finding, and a whole lot more. We have been sending text messages to each other and calling. I find myself having to restrain myself so that I don't smoother him. Your tips are helpful thanks:)
(104) Keelie, May 14, 2009

Thank you for this article

Thanks for the advice, me and my boyfriend have only been together 3 mon. and he has to go back to Alaska for 4 mon. to work. 4 mon. seems long but i think once i get used to him being gone it will go by pretty fast. The only thing im scared of is he wants to go back to school next year at UAF and Im not sure we can survive 4yrs. apart. Anyways i now have a lot to think about, your advice has helped, Thanks!
(103) Anonymous, April 23, 2009

One of the trickiest things i find is anticipating our next meeting. By the time months have passed and you see one another again you are all worked up. I tend to analyse everything i do and say around my partner and then when we part again these things play on my mind!
(102) Anonymous, April 23, 2009

One word: Skype

Thankyou so much for your advice. My boyfriend had been together for 5 years when I chose to go and study in Germany for 10 months. We're 7 months down now and 3 to go, and it hasn't been easy, but we've managed it somehow. All your advice is 100% good. I'd just like to add a couple more hints: Skype and webcams: it's a great (and cheap) way of keeping in touch. Sadly it relies on both people having internet access, but if you can make it work, then you definitely should! Webcams can sometimes also be quite painful though. I would say limit how frequently you use them. They tend to give the impression that your loved one is so close until you hang up and you realise how very far away they are. Loveletters: You should definitely try to get into the art of writing loveletters. Yep, that includes spraying a bit of perfume on to the page, drawing silly lovehearts and planting a lipstick kiss on the envelope. All these things help. Be informative: One of the most important things I would say is that each person informs the other about their daily routine and any new people they meet so that each person still feels a part of the other one's life. Goals: When the distance period is over, make sure you both share your ideas about what will happen at that point. Will you then be ready to make a serious commitment to each other? Will you then move in together? Having shared goals and things to look forward to really helps time pass by, and strengthens your relationship. Best of luck everyone, you can do it!
(101) Chuck, April 11, 2009

Married 18 yrs - Apart for 6 months

My wife took this temporary job for 6 months 1200 miles away. I am taking it much harder than she is. I don't want her to know I am a mess with out her but I worry about losing the love of my life and mother to my kids. I am sending letters, emails, texts, and calls but I have to space them out so she doesnt feel overwhelmed. This sucks.
(100) Sheila, April 7, 2009

Shanna, I SOOO agreee with you...

I'm in the same boat- It feels like I put in all the effort and he doesnt care, although at the back of my mind, I'm sure he does. It horrible though, I'm constantly almost calling him up and telling him I hate him etc...
(99) Isaiah, March 27, 2009

Great advice...

I really appreciate the article, it gave me a lot to consider. I am currently on the verge of possibly getting into an LDR myself and now have some 'food for thought'. Thank-You everyone, including the ones that commented on the article. One final word, I hope everyone the best in their relationships that could very well be what could start some very practical, rewarding, hard earned marriages.
(98) PERDY, March 23, 2009

Wow so I'm not the only who feels this way!! This is so hard, my boyfriend of 2 and half years has moved up north about 11 hours away. But it's even more hard because we have this distance between us and plus his roomate is a women. He's a firefighter so he live in a bareick and share this home with her for the time being. I'm so sad but trying to be strong. I love this guy!
(97) Anonymous, March 16, 2009

I HOPE it works...

It's good to hear from a lot of people who are making LDRs work. I have been with my boyfriend for about 4 years now and we've been living together for 2. I have to go away for school for at least FIVE YEARS! Originally we had planned to move together but then the current economy does NOT allow him to quit a perfectly good job. So it looks like we'll be doing it long-distance for a loooong time... I really hope it works and my heart breaks at the thought of losing him. I really really hope it works, and much love to everyone else here who is doing it now. Best of luck to everyone!
(96) Shana, March 9, 2009

I don't Know...

Well, I'm in the middle of one. It's been 9 months of being apart from the start of our relationship. It's not true that the guy puts more effort in every case. Not in my case. He puts little effort into talking to me and seeing me. We live 4 hours apart. I pay for every trip all he has to do is get on the plane and he constantly, lately, changes the date of when we'll meet again. When we're together it's amazing, like nothing I've ever experienced. But, when we're apart, he doesn't communicate and it feels like he doesn't care. I'm confused all the damn time, but don't want to give up on what could be great some day. It's very very hard and lonely.
(95) Pete, March 9, 2009

It works!

I myself have been in a LDR for around 2 years now and i have never looked back on it. We live 3 hours apart from each other. She is at college and im studying at university but we are always true to each other and do travel to see each other as often as possible. Every relationship has a bumpy moment, on my birthday last year my GF hurt me and said it wasnt working but this was due to work and stress getting to her and now she is perfectly happy again after i showed her what a little effort can bring. The smile on someones face after you have been apart for so long can't ever be replaced with a better feeling and now we are due to be married soon when she moves here. LDR do work and can lead on to great things, do not give up.
(94) Tiggy, March 5, 2009

Hard work will pay off

I am currently in a LDR and I will tell you it is alot of work. We just hit our first year of being together and we meet off a computer game both in our twenties.. We both have had our ups and downs and we both have lived together.. He decieded to move back to his home town for a bit and do some closer with his family. Which I had alot to do with that cause i felt he needed to do so.. I didn't want a family to resent me for taking there son away from them and into another state. We live about 9 hour apart driving and 3 hours plane. After he moved back we broke up a week later and then end up getting back together two days after that. But we have had our ups and down just like every relationship. LDR is very hard since you can't see your soulmate every day or even feel them every day but if you keep a good outlook in your relationship good things will come to you.. Now we have known each other for a year and on month and after he moved back to his home town he didn't want to come and tell me he enlisted into the Air Force naturally I went off my rocker cause I was thinking we already live 9 hours away and now your leaving me to over seas if you he gets shiped over there. My view though is if you can't be by your spouse and be strong and you can't do a LDR then you will be able to date anyone in the service either.. For the ones that don't want to do LDR Best of luck but personaly i think you will value the word love and apperciate you have when you with someone..
(93) E.J.M.S., March 4, 2009

I think long-distance relationships can work.

I had a long-distance relationship with a Jewish and single woman from Toronto in the last half of 2008. Steve in comment #91 stated that "the woman doesn't want to put the effort into it that the guy does." I think that happened in my case. Being from Halifax, there aren't too many Jewish singles here. I met this woman on SYAS. We clicked on e-mail and a bit on the phone when we connected, about once a week to once every two weeks. Our schedules but especially hers toward the end of the relationship took its toll. I e-mailed her and called her more often than she did. There was an emotional disconnect. After six months I was fed up that she didn't feel as passionate about us than I did. My e-mails went from sweet to confrontational. This ended in an e-mail fight. We broke up in November 2008. I wrote some e-mail and Facebook messages to her that I missed her and wanted a friendship (apologies and truces). The thing is that it would be highly unlikely that we'd end up getting back together or even reconnect as friends. In some ways I sensed a reserved way about her, she'd fit in well in Nova Scotia, where people are reserved and keep to themselves. Maybe if we were in the same city, couples counselling would have helped us, who knows. Possibly in another time and place, we would've been a great couple. Most people don't really date the same person twice, so I'd say it was a good thing that relationship ended, this wasn't a good fit. Finding someone more passionate, more emotionally connected, and more of a match, would be better. Better luck next time with someone else from another city.
(92) Julii, March 3, 2009

Dont blame it on the woman. it does take two. in my situation we've been together for almost two years. A two hour car ride doesnt sound like much, but it doesnt work well with our schedules. its probably one of the hardest things i've ever gotten into. but every minute of effort is worth it.
(91) steve, February 22, 2009

They don't work

I just got out of one.....and we only lived 4 hours away by car, 1 hour by plane. Trust me, they are very difficult. I've tried 4-5 of them and they never work out. Why?? Because the woman doesn't want to put the effort into it that the guy does. I've seen it time and time with myself as well as with other buddies of mine. I would HIGHLY recommend against them.
(90) heidy, December 10, 2008

it workss!! :)

all i can say is that it really works.. i've been in a LDR for almost 2 years... & although its truly very sad sometimes.. its worth it.. it helps you realize how much someone casres for you, & all the commitment put in the relationship really gets you to understand what love is about.. i only see him once a year.. & let me tell u its worth is
(89) saunza, November 22, 2008

Ive been in an LDR for 4 years!! i love him more everyday.
(88) Ben, November 11, 2008

LDR yes this is possible!

Great Article! I have been in a LDR for a year between Spain and Australia, so trust me I know what distance means! It is very very hard but possible, just check the testimonials available on Waiit, the Long Distance Relationship community website if you have a moment of doubt. Good luck to you all!
(87) Willow, October 29, 2008

hard, but worth it

I've been in a LDR for just under a year now. I know people usually think of LDR's as when two people meet face to face, then one moves away. Well what about if one person lives in England, and the other in Austrlia. We met when we were both on holiday in Canada, we swapped MSN addresses at the end of my holiday (I was there for a week, him for two.) When he got back to Australia we started chatting over msn, and in February this year he asked me out. I said yes, obviously. We havn't seen each other since, it's to hard for us to see each other - he's at college, I'm in my final year at school and it's to expensive to travel half way round the world for week on holiday. It can be hard, never knowing what they're doing. But with trust and a good amount of comunication it can work. When he leaves college he's planning on spending his gap year in England with me - and apart from that, we wont see each other again till he leaves university.
(86) Anonymous, October 27, 2008

half a world away

I''ve been in an LDR for 11 months now with a soldier deployed to Iraq, he still has 4 to go. It didn''t start out as an LDR, fortunately. We met during my junior year of high school and were together for 8 1/2 months before he left. I''m now a freshman in college waiting for him to come home from a long and dangerous trip away from home. The hardest part about this relationship has been the danger. Had he been somewhere safer this might be easier, but that''s not the case making the anxiety and worry a very stressful burden, especially when he would get sick and still go through with completing missions. We have fought, despite how hard we try to be nice and understanding of each other. Because of the extremely difficult and delicate state of our relationship we try not to be too demanding and nitpick, but when one of feels that something has been bugging us for long enough, it eventually comes out. We usually make up shortly after, realizing that we still love each other very much. Even when the fights are bad we still find ourselves wanting to make this relationship work. He wants me to be a major part of his life and I want that as well. Just like the movie “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days” I may love him, but I don’t have to like him right then. LDRs can work-no matter the age and/*or* circumstance for which the relationship is long distance- it just depends on how much both people want it to work.
(85) maria, October 24, 2008

if u love somone

if u are really into this guy or girl u shouldnt really kare how far that person is.. i noe its allready hard the way it is now but as long as ur with that person that all should matter... so dont kare wat other people think as long as u noe ur love for that person is true and u kan handle this long distance realtionship its all good
(84) Anonymous, October 15, 2008

HOW LONG TO WAIT

I've been in a LDR for over a year now with a wonderful man. We met online. We fell in love pretty soon after we started talking. We both admit that we have never been really in love until we met. We were to possibly marry last summer, but I got scared. He was great about it and we agreed to let the Lord to guide us. It's gotten to the point now though since about eight months ago that I am the only one making most of the effort to go see him. He lives about 2 1/2 hours away. We keep agreeing that we need to see each other more often, but it never happens. He has mentioned many times meeting me halfway...It NEVER happens. I am still so deeply in love with this man...But have come to my breaking point. I wrote him four letters since I saw him last. It took that many to finally hear from him. In the letters, I made sure to let him know that I couldn't keep doing this. It has begun to effect my health and sleep. I got a letter the other day (After I sent two basicly breaking up)from him. He didn't even comment on anything that I wrote him. We've always said that if we were to end things that we would do that in person...Well...How can this be done when he makes no effort to see me and I refuse now to make anymore efforts or spend my money going there? He's a wonderful man...I love him...But I need him to realize how I feel. Friends keeps telling me to let this relationship go and get on with my life. I love him...But I have to. I haven't heard from him since I "broke things off". I told him several times in my letters how deeply I love him. My heart is breaking as never before. I don't know how he will respond or maybe even show up to see me in person...I'm not putting much trust in that. Please give me your thoughts.
(83) Anonymous, October 10, 2008

IM IN A LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP AND WE MET ONLINE. WE ARE STILL GOIN ON FOR EIGHT MONTHS. WHAT I HAVE TO SAY IS THAT CONSTANT COMMUNICATION SUCH AS DAILY CALLS, CHATTING ON YAHOO MESSENGER AND USING WEBCAM HAS HELPED MY LDR. IT GETS HARD BECAUSE UR GOING BY WHAT THE LOVED TELLS U. I HAVE MY INSECURITIES AND I TELL HIM THAT TOO. AS LONG THERE IS FREQUENT COMMUNICATION, LOVE AND TRUST, WILL MAKE THE LDR POSSIBLE. HOWEVER, LDR WILL WORK DEPENDING ON THE COUPLE
(82) Anonymous, October 9, 2008

it is hard

i am currently in a ldr with my boyfriend( we are together for two years now), he only travelled three months ago to work and it's so hard 4 me to accept the idea of being away from him, the problem is that he is suffering alone there and to get over his needs towards me he decided to stop telling me anything intimate like i miss u or i love u....etc and his justifying that by telling me that words means nothing but what really matters is what i did and i will proof to you that when we will meet. i will be pleased to hear ur comments
(81) Anonymous, October 2, 2008

when you love you love

Sorry Adrian but it sounds like you are angry, and the words you used I find scary. We are all unique human beings, and therefore when we fall in love, we don't know why it happen. I have been in a LDR for 14 months now, and it sucks don't get me wrong. But, what I am trying to say is that you can lie to yourself or be honeest with yourself no matter how far you are from the person you love. And for me the hardest is trusting that the love will endure, every time we see each other, it's still there but it's the time in between that's a nightmare, and in our case it sucks because of a visa situation. We are young and we are getting confronted to the desperate solution of getting married which neither of us wants. Politics are the problem as usual. And I wish there was a how to, but at the end of the day, just like in any other relationship, either both think the person is worth it, and they are ready for it or not, and no matter what there is no guarantee the hard thing is being in an LDR, one always gets the feeling one invests without getting something in return.
(80) tina, September 10, 2008

hey sarah, i just read your comment, and just wanted to drop a line and say i have been through what you are going through right now...i just started an LDR for my dreams as well this will last for three years....though my situation is a bit different we've been together for five years and have future plans....but i hear that you are afraid and i was so afraid too went through crazy nights thinking im crazy for doing this...i still think i am, but deep in my heart i know if i dont do this it would in the long term burden our relationship...so in ur case what im trying to say is from all the thinking i've done in the past few months...my conclusions were if i back out i may hold a little bit of resentment which can make our relationship suffer, if i do this and our relationship lasts then it will make that much stronger, just thinking about how much we'll appreciate our relationship when we're together again will be amazing, and when we're back together we'll both know that our relationship is strong enough to endure anything. Plus a bonus point is think of the nights your back together missing each other like crazy ,)how i've dealt and how im dealing is looking at the positive side of it....if you let go of your fears you'll see that alot of good can come out of it.....plus you'll be a stronger person because of it...hope this helped...
(79) Anonymous, September 8, 2008

it can work!

I was in a LDR with my boyfriend for 2 years, it was hard but we were determined to make it. We only saw each other over the summer. We got married the summer after my 2nd year at college and i returned to college for my 3rd and 4th year. Would i wish this for anyone? Absolutely not. Is it possible if you have to? YUP if you really know this is the man/woman for you. All the best!!
(78) Tiffany, September 3, 2008

Worth it

I am currently in a LTR with my boyfriend of 2.5 years. He recently took a job thousands of miles away, while I stayed to go to nursing school. Some times I find it really hard, especially because he works alot and doesn't call every day. Sometimes I even get crazy ideas in my head that he might just never call me again or decided I'm not worth it. But when I do talk to him again, he reassures me that he isn't going anywhere and he loves me. Even though there are thousands of miles between us, I know that he is my best friend and it will all be worth it when I finally get to see him. I wish everyone in a LTR good luck!
(77) Adrian in Victoria, September 3, 2008

LDR? Never again!

I endured a long distance relationship of ten months and I would never, ever go through that again. And I wouldn't recommend it to anyone, if your idea of a relationship is trying to keep it alive for more than a few months, then your idea of what constitutes a "relationship" is different than mine. No matter how "honest" you think the other person is about how they feel about you, you can never be sure of what they are up to. True, you can never be completely certain about a partner who lives with you either, but distance and time apart DOES result in people growing apart, no matter what nonsense they say. I thought my ex was truthful with me, but then found out on the day she returned from her ten months aboard a cruise ship that she was dumping me. Yes, this is just one example, but it happened. If it doesn't happen to you, then you are lucky. Why would you choose to be with someone--especially those of you who've never even MET the person--when they are so many lonely, lovely single people right in your own town/village/city? I think long distance relationships are an oxymoron, and are nothing but a waste of time. (P.S.-- The sliver of sunshine in this whole episode is that I went on to meet an absolutely beautiful woman who doesn't believe in living in a different country when being involved in a relationship, and yes, I'll likely end up marrying her. So, while I would never go through another LDR again, having experienced one certainly taught me a lot about love, honesty, and self-awareness.)
(76) Sarah, September 3, 2008

i am in a big dilemna, my dream has been to go to work in latin america, i prepared this over 2 years, and last year i met the perfect man. we have been together for almos a year now and i have never been so happy in my life. however, i still wanna go to latin america, and i have the confirmation that i can leave in a few months for one full year. i am already sad of thinking not to have him anymore, but im also sad of thinking to leave my dreams for a man. i will try to have a long distance relationship. maybe it possible to meet twice during this year. i am afraid though to suffer too much without him, or that we lose interest in eachother. we both knew from the beginning when we met that i will leave but we kept on going as it was so intense, i am happy that i went into this relationship, but lately i cannot deal with the whole situation anymore. i am curious about your experiences, how did you deal with this kind of situation?
(75) Anonymous, August 2, 2008

its very hard to do but as long as there is love ..it will work succeed

This is my first time to have LDR in my life. and i never guess it is so hard to do. I never met before with this man. There is an ocean seperate us. its been almost one year we have good relation but never meet. During the time i fall in love with him but i know there is doubt between us if our relation will not getting work. And it makes me feel into deep sadness. But i know he is serious man by saying he will come to visit me soon this year. And i am sa glad to read this article. its realise me that to build a good strong relation not because we always be together but learn also even we are separete in long distance as long as there is Love between us this relation can work succeed. Thanks God
(74) Kelly, July 20, 2008

<3

I've been in a LDR for 6 months now, I agree it is really difficult but it can be done. If you and your partner want it this bad, it will work. Don't listen to other people, they will say that It's not worth trying, but it is! I hid my relationship for 3 months, scared of what people would say, then i looked it up, and they seemed a lot more common then i first thought. So, i told my parents and they were fine with it. It's soo hard not being with my boyfriend but you have to stay positive, and think that you're so lucky having someone like your partner to miss. I dont believe I'm only 14, and i feel like this, but i do. And ive never been happier, LDR's can work, they just need a lot of effort. xXx
(73) vivian, June 25, 2008

Thank you for your tips and great info on LDR. I am currently in a LDR, and we are getting to know each other in the process. I have had a long distance relationship before, and an Ocean separated us, but we had an connection every weekend by phone, and 2 to 3 times a week without fail via IM. This relationship is closer we are both in the states, 14 hours apart. My job, 6 on 8 off, have me crazy on the days off. His is the typical 9 to 5 off on weekends. Phone time is never, and I find myself sitting by the pc waiting on him to log on, scheduled or unscheduled. I thank you for the advice to keep myself busy but I find this relationship a bit harder than the first...maybe because of the "ocean". I hope to apply these tips to my anxiety attacks..and hope things will work out with our communication problems.
(72) Gondo, May 27, 2008

U sure have some really cool ways to maintain a LDR. I am currently in one right now, and we love each other whole heartedly. We are 5000 miles apart. She in australia, and me in singapore. We are currently 14 right now, planning to meet in 6 months time. Its really agonizing to wait that long. We talk on IM everyday, but sometimes I feel she is gradually losing interest in me. Her parents support our reltionship, and the ironic part is, her mum told me not to break her daughters heart, but in this case, i am afraid she might be the one breaking my heart. Help please? An answer is rilly appreciated.
(71) Holly, April 14, 2008

something to say

My boyfriend lives 3,000 miles away and he's been that far away from me for about a year now, and we are still going strong. Even if he's all the way across the country, things somehow manage to work out. When things are ment to be they will be. You just gotta put in alot of work and if the person is worth it then it will work out :)
(70) Michal, March 13, 2008

To "C" from Michal

Hi "C". In answer to your question - Oh yes, we definitely had hard times, but never considered ending our relationship. My husband is a very calm, positive person so I think the stress was more on my side but as hard as it was, I knew in my heart that our relationship was meant to be...I always knew that he was my "beshert". So, yes, it's the most difficult test of your relationship and your love for one another but, when you do finally get to share your lives, your relationship will be rock solid. Let's face it - if you can withstand distance for long periods of time, you can weather any storm together. Lots of luck - hang in there! It will be an amazing love story to tell your grandchildren some day :-) PG you too will have a happy ending.
(69) C, March 12, 2008

This question is for Michal. Congrats on your relationship staying strong and your baby boy! My boyfriend and I met in middle school... And started to date when we were 14... Now we are 19 and go to separate colleges... I was wondering if you and your husband had very hard times during your LDR... Like taking stress out on one another and almost ending your relationship, if ever... Just wondering, an answer would be greatly appreciated. :)
(68) Michal, March 6, 2008

Have faith - if it's meant to be, it will be

My husband and I met when we were 17 and 20 respectively (15 years ago) and had a long distance relationship for 6 years. It was not at all easy to be separated for long periods at a time but it build an extremely solid foundation for our relationship and BH we will be celebrating our 7 year wedding anniversary in May and have a beautiful baby boy. You have to both be completely committed and make every effort and work hard at the relationship. The rewards at the end make it so very worthwhile.
(67) Julian, March 4, 2008

Missing one important other scenario ...

The writer described the various situations which occur and can occur based on a long distance relationship, after the people met in person, first, and had started to establish something between them. I would be most interested to have the writer comment on what and how one is to deal with a long distance relationship when one meets someone via one of these dating services, who lives and works far away, and who has no reason to normally be in the same vicinity as the other? This is the sort of situation with which I have found myself.

Granted, there are exceptional situations where one is so taken with someone, even long distance, that he or she can and does establish that important relationship; but, that might only occur, if at all, after an extended time.

Any ideas to ease and improve the situation?

Thank you.
(66) Roo, March 3, 2008

To Daniel

Absolutely life's not fair. But if something (or someone) good comes along then don't let go.

My husband (also named Daniel) and I met and married (second marriages for us both)when I was 38 and he was 41.
At my age, you don't buy green bananas, as the saying goes.
Now he has a terminal illness. We've been married 7 years. It's up to Hashem how much longer I have him.
(65) David, March 2, 2008

Distance has make our relation stronger

I have not seeing my fiance in a year, she had to go back to her country Brazil because her father suffer an accident, thnks to Hashem he is fine, and I am still in the US working to get her the fiance visa so we can tie the knot..But thank to G-d he has give us the strength to be apart. This coming July thanks to G-d I will be traveling to Brazil to see my fiance. If you have faith it will be ok,and this thing being apart has make our relationship more mature and strong.
(64) Daniel, February 29, 2008

Not fair comment

Roo,
Your comment telling people "either get married or break up" isn't fair..Life is not always black and white. Some people can live in a bubble by having a 3 month courtship and getting married at the age of 18 but this doesn't necessarily make their relationship better (or worse).
(63) Lissy, February 28, 2008

LDR's do work!

I am getting married in September to a man I met on Jdate. We spoke for four and a half months before we met in person, and then it was love at first sight! I would never trade those months of getting to truly know each other, dicussing values and goals. It's hard planning a wedding while he is in England, but trust goes a long way. If you believe in bashert, then distance, as hard as it is, should be a small obstacle.
(62) Yosef, February 26, 2008

It can work!

My wife and I had a long distance relationship for 2 years before we were able to marry. We spent countless hours on the phone and saw each other only once a month. One benefit that has not been mentioned is that we learned to communicate....really communicate....a relationship built upon words and love and openness. Communication is the key....and to this day (12 years later) we are able to be together with our children all day long and we still talk and talk and talk....one benefit of a long distance relationship....a wonderful skill to develop.
(61) Lissa, February 26, 2008

Engaged to my LDR

I met my fiancee on JDate in September, and we talked for four and a half months before I went and visited him in England. Because we had gotten to know each other so well, it was pretty much love at first sight, and we spent the most unbelievable ten days together. I recently went back to England for Valentine's Day, and he took me to Paris and proposed. While it's terrible being away from him, I would never trade the time it took for us to get to know each other. Now I'm planning a wedding for us, and while it's difficult to make some decisions because my fiancee is not with me, there is so much implicit trust and respect between us that things have been going very smoothly. I will be moving to England after our wedding, for a lifetime of happiness.
(60) Anonymous, February 26, 2008

Long Distance Relationships just can not ever

work out for the couple. I am talking from a very painful experience. I dated an ex boyfriend who I dated in college- at the time he was living in NY/ Born and Raised Brooklyn, NY Guy. Then he married another woman when I married another guy- when we all graduated from college- 2 decades later he was a widowe widower, I was divorced, and he loved in another state. we dated for 10 months, and we fell in love, but the fact that I would have to move to his state- to uproot my son and myself, change from living my city life to a suburb life in another state, he thought I could not handle the change- plus step parent issues, but I felt in the name of love I could, but he did not give me a chance top prove myself, and he listened to many,many Yenta Nay Sayers who pressured him to break up with me. So Via Telephone, on the Third Day of Chanukah in Dec. 2003, when he and his entire family had the flu, he blew us off- and broke my heart over the phone in a mean callous way, with no remorse or clear cut reason to break up that way, to add insult to injury he married months later another woman, who fit his lifestyle to a tee!~and despite that his kids hate this woman, and one has moved out he is still with this woman, making babies with her. And he thinks that what he did to me is not wrong at all! I have Baruch Hashem never spoken to him since that awful night, and not seen him. I pray he remains in the state he is in, and I never run into him. I could never handle seeing him, and I hope Hashem spears me ever to run into him.
My son once saw him in our neighborhood, and passed him up, I was speared that fate for I was cooking for a Yom Tov that time, but thank G-d I did not see him with his new wife, that would have teared me up inside- because my son was very unnerved by that encounter.
But the lession here, is that long distance relationships can't work unless a 100 percent sacrfices are made by both parties- not one sided.
relationships are hard enough but adding this to the equation only causes harm, no good can come from it. I have not met one person who is an advocate of this type of relationship at all.
So watch your heart and be careful.
Mazel to all of us to find our Basherts.
May Hashem care for us always.
signed:
a concerned friend.
(59) Roo, February 25, 2008

We don't usually do LDR's

Orthodox Jews have a brief courtship and get married. No premarital sex. I met and married my husband in 3 months. No need to drag out a courtship. It isn't healthy. Either get married or break up.
(58) SarahRachel, February 25, 2008

Don't Forget!

If you're in the States you can get a phone plan from almost any phone company or cable company that includes all you can call for 25-40 dollars a month.

My phone bill last month had over 6000 (that's six THOUSAND) minutes of talk time, all to my long distance love. His wasn't much smaller.

Total cost? Less than $40.00 .

There are also internet programs such as Paltalk that allow you to speak to and SEE your beloved online, in your own private room you can create. Very good quality video and sound. This helps a LOT.

Sometimes either he or I will even carry the computer cam around the house as we do housework, cook, do the dishes or whatever. It gives us a sense of being there with the other, even when we aren't.

I've been in this long distance relationship for over 5 years. It is very difficult and VERY important to keep the lines of communication open at all times and relate to each other as caring, MATURE human beings do.

Finally this year it looks like we are getting our long awaited break and will be able to move forward in our relationship in person. :)
(57) ANDY, February 24, 2008

relationships

It is easier to cuddle up to the dog in your home but not so fulfilling.
Seriously, I beleiev if you love someone you can weather everything,
(56) Claire, February 24, 2008

LDF

"We have been together for almofst half a year now and haven't seen each other since the day we started."

Sounds like a long-distance fantasy or a prolonged rationalization of a too intense first day. 4 years pining for someone you have spent one day with as a couple is not a relationship but an unhealthy obsession.
(55) Anonymous, February 24, 2008

LDR - Our experience

We met 4.5 years ago on the net, not a dating site but a Jewish forum, we unintendedly built a relationship the old fashioned way, by correspondence.

We used Skype, Yahoo messenger, email and phone and SMS - mobile short messages. True, we literally invested thousands into comms with each other !

We met face to face 10 months into our relationship (by this time we had already decided to marry), my DH relocated (continents)14 months after we met, we married 18 months after we met and we have been married for three years with our first baby due at Pesach.

We are very, very grateful for the distance which allowed us to really get to know each other very well. I would not change a thing about our LDR courtship, it was perfect in every way.
(54) Anonymous, February 24, 2008

Tip

I think one of the biggest challenges is not getting to do things together, to share activities. My girlfriend and I decided to start a private internet blog to learn parasha together each week. It gives us an activity that is uniquely and exclusively ours, and helps us stay away from the pattern of just telling each other about our separate lives.
(53) Daniel, February 24, 2008

Skype and MSN

I totally agree...My fiancee and I have been regular daily Skype and MSN users for the last 3 years...It's not ideal to be separated but if you are committed to each other and you have enough time to see each other at least every 6 weeks, it can be done.
(52) May, February 24, 2008

Skype is the answer

HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD ABOUT SKYPE??? I have few friends who went through successful LDR, and attribute the success to Skype, the program which lets you speak to each other endlessly with no phone bill. Just make sure you have a computer and internet connection...Downloading it is very easy. Buy a speaker and headphones and you are all set to speak as much as you want.
(51) Amy, December 14, 2007

it's really making one helpless

LDR sometimes lures me into a state of confusion. We have been together for almost half a year now and haven't seen each other since the day we started. We know that we like each other very much, we are basically crazy over each other. Lately however, communication seems to be at bleak. It's becoming harder to talk to each other because of work etc and everytime we talk, it seems like our conversation becomes really dry. We pretty much talk about the same things most of the time. Yes, we are still dying to talk to each other. But it's just that things are not what they used to be anymore. We call each other because we miss each other's voices. But it's getting to the point where we need to crack our heads to keep the conversation going, otherwise there'll be awkward pauses and silence. We don't wanna let go of this relationship cuz we have come so far now and deep inside, we know that we are the right ones for each other. Sometimes i wonder whether it is my problem of not being initiative enough. Sometimes i wonder whether we can survive the next 4 yrs of being apart. I really hope that things will work out between us.
(50) Anonymous, December 2, 2007

HI my name is Ida and i live in NY.I have been in a relationship with my husband for 10 yrs this new years of 08.I ben living in America for 8 yrs so all those yrs we were having a long distance relationship.My husband lives in my country which is Kosovo-Europe and i live here.I tried to bring him here 6 yrs ago ilegal and he has been cought.The reason i tried ilegal was because i wasnt a citizen and didnt have the right to bring him here.Now 2 yrs ago i became US Citizen but because he broke the law 6 yrs ago,his papers got denied. WE are very upset because it has been so hard for us being so far from eachother thinking he will her the papers and will be together once and forever.Its not fair to the goverment leting people getting the papers so easy here and me as a us citizen having difficulties to have my husuband here. They are forcing me to bring him here ilegal again. We been married for almost 6 yrs.I travel every 2 months to europe to see him.I don;t know but it has been so hard and its getting harder. I cant go back to my country because its a poor country.Here i finished college and have family and friends.I want a life here.Guys reading my story hopefully helps anyone:) keep hoping:)
thanks i guess i am not the only one!
(49) Beth, November 30, 2007

Longer LDR!

I enjoyed Liba's article. More importantly I loved the comment section. I have been involved in an LDR going on 6-7 years now. I live in NY, he lives in CA. We went to High School together and it was our 25 class reunion that promoted renewed contact with each other. We both feel a special connection and believe we are meant to be together. Our LDR challenges and real life circumstances (I am a single parent, he is not along with job/finacial and family issues) have negatively impacted our relationship over this past year. It seems like we have been squabbling over every small thing that comes up. We both are trying to determine what has caused this along with trying to turn our relationship back around to what it was. I have to be in total agreement, LDR's are very hard especially when life circumstances do not jive with timing, patience can be tested to the limit and experiencing communication breakdowns. I would really like to hear from anyone else who has been trying to maintain an LDR for longer than 5 years. It would help immensely to hear from you especially some positive and encouraging input on longer LDR's! Thank you!
To the Editors: Please send any information/articles/weblinks you might have on longer LDR's
(48) Lisa, November 22, 2007

Help Needed!!

I have lived with my b/f in Africa for 4 months and it was intense, I had to leave for 4 months. We are now half way through. There are power cuts and internet is useless so no emails! His mobile was stolen so we have had 4 phone calls since I left. I'm going insane with the lack of communication. I feel like he doesn't care although its difficult for him. I am booked on a flight back on 31st Jan but feeling why should I bother! We have serious plans together but the lack of communication to me mean lack of care and to him probably just getting through the time apart. Nice to know I am not on my own on this one! Thanks guys
(47) Diffikult!, October 30, 2007

2.5 years already

I met my post HS GF through the internet. We parted years ago due to being 19 and stupid, (not knowing a keeper when you find one)and her going off to finish college. No fights, no arguments. 24 years later I am Dv'd, she is getting Dv'd. Very similar problems. Three months talking and emails, then met in person. Love at first sight. Still going strong but hard at times due to a medling ex. Decided to wait 4 yrs so our kids would be out of school, then one of us would relocate. In the meantime, I have a huge house I am rebuilding while she tries to get her crap together with the ex. Now cancer set in for her and she has that to deal with. I am there for her in spirit, but one of these days I will just go 1300 miles to her house and crash the gate and be WITH her no matter who care or gets upset about the ordeal. For me its very hard because I know what its like to be stuck with the wrong person. I stayed 14 yrs till my kids were old enough to decide where to go. They live with me full time, no contact with their mother. I think I am about on the edge between teenage girls and an LDR, and lets just throw a life threatening disese in there, just for spice! If you find someone who loves you for who you are, dont ever let them go. As for us, We will be ok. She LOVES Me for ME.
(46) Anonymous, October 12, 2007

I recently broke up with my bf. We only dated offically for 2-3 months, but we were good friends for 2 years. He lives in London, constantly traveling as a consultant, and I live in NY. It's hard enough to keep up with each other due to time difference and the horrors of only being able to see each other once every couple of months...but we also had difference in our expectations. He is not looking into marriage as an option until he's in his mid-thirties, whereas I was thinking the next serious person whom I date will probably be someone that I would consider getting married to. So due to our differences in expectations and the distance, we decided to end the ordeal. That's not to say that we don't care for each other. We like each other a lot... just a sad sad conclusion to something that was so good...
(45) Marcha, October 11, 2007

I would like to believe

Thanks to be able to share my concerns, i just hope i get some advice or some idea of what to do. My boyfriend and i have had a terrible ordeal, due to living seperately in different continents and having immigration difficulties, we have been forced to live seperately for 8 months now. I am the one who can't visit him freely - immigration rules - he can, but we obviously don't have the finances and his job is also tricky. We strongly feel that our love was planned in heaven, but keeping it going every day is the hardest part, especially if we don't know that we will be able to be together any time soon. We keep in touch through email, sms and the webcam every night and weekends almost the whole day, but it is still difficult. I wonder, does anyone out there go through this difficulty and does anyone out there have advice for me... I would like to believe there is hope, but can you really ask this of a man, when you don't know if you'll be able to be with him considering the immigration difficulties?
(44) Gao, October 8, 2007

Make it work!!!!

I am in a relationship for 7 months now and I live in Shanghai and my boyfriend lives in Germany. It's true its not only difficult to overcome the time difference, the environment, culture, the language, etc. Each couple has to deal with this. Each time you get a misunderstanding its even much harder to deal with but just as I would continuously tell my significant other whatever happens "we have to make it work!!!" It's really a question of commitment on both parties concerned and never letting go. If you think you have already found someone who wants the same thing with you, then you will find a way to "make it work!" Thank you too for this website and for other couples who share their views. Am also learning from them.
(43) Kia, October 8, 2007

Jealous

I would give anything to be in driving distance of boyfriend I get so angry and upset when others complain that their boyfriend/girlfriend is far when its only driving distance away. My bf is in california and i'm in miami we both are broke college students that can't afford to buy a plane ticket 2 see eachother...It been 6months and its so painful and I don't know what to do. I want to see him but I don't have the funds or the time to fly out and visit him! I'm so sad all the time and I don't know what to do and deal with all this pain
(42) Anonymous, October 3, 2007

You know, if feel kind of selfish because my boyfriend is only 3.5 hours away, but I feel like sometimes he is in isreal. I do realize now that we arent the only crazy people that put ourselves thru so much pain, just so maybe one day we can be together like a "normal" realationship. so thank u to who ever makes this website, u truly helped! For everyone else, keep your heads up, stand strong, and it will all turn out the way it is suppose to!!
(41) Anonymous, September 30, 2007

That was odd and comforting

I googled long distance relationahips and clicked on this link. It's just comforting to know that other people are in the same situation, especially since I am in the states and my boyfriend is also in Israel. Weird. Also, that I have the easiest type of long distance relationahip! Thank you so much!
(40) dada, September 9, 2007

I was trying to make some sense out of my stupid emotions

I really miss my boyfriend..We are oceans apart..And i need all the help I can get. It seems the long distance is not only my issue. Im so thankful I googled the topic "long distance relaitonship" because reading your website made me realize how many couples encounter the same situation as we are. And It is a relief reading how many succeeded and end up happily together. Thanks so much. You helped me realize how to overcome some of the doubts in my mind.
(39) fireman, August 25, 2007

I'm not sure if this is the right web site but I think I found it for a reason.

I work for a fire department in Missouri. My work day is 24 hours long and then I have two days off. I told you that to tell you this. I met my Girlfriend this summer and we didn't start dating untill the first part of Aug. And it was exactly one week befor she was moving to Fl. To attend collage and live with her uncle. I have found it very hard to cope with the distance but we talk once or twice a day on the phone. I told her I loved her for the first time over the phone and really wanted to do it in person you know to capture the momment. I have her on my mind al the time and by just reading this web site I feel better about our reationship. Your probably thinking why is there some big bad tuff firefighter talking about this on the web. Well I'm not sure but it makes me feel better. My girlfriend aked me to google long distant relarionships and I could not remember the one she said so I picked this one. And it really helped. I just want to say "Thankyou" to whoever put the time in to making this web page you have truely helped.
(38) Farmgirl, August 15, 2007

very good

That is sooo true... Right now my bf is out west working and at first I wanted to hear from him every day and if he never call me or called me back I was very upset over it...Now that I look at it he is very busy working to making good money so he can come back home to stay with us..But we did talk about that we needed to talk more then once every 2 weeks...So now he calls 2 a week even if it is to just to say hello and love you... that means more anything..... Long distance does pressure you into know if you are meant for each other or not.... thanks for your feed back you are sooo true on what you are telling people thanks again
(37) adrianna, July 8, 2007

i m 16 and in a ldr

i ve been so depressed lately due to the fact that i think if i fail school. i wont see my boyfriend who lives a half hour away because i ll be grounded. but i have to remeber that i m takking courses i like, and that its all in my head. i m going to pass! is what i m telling myself, besides its my senior year. but idk when i dont talk to him its really sad how depessing i get and get really bad thoughts in my heead but when he does talk to me i feel amazing. but i also have to realize that if i do get grounded he said " he ll be with my no matter what, even if he cant see me for a year" thats what keeps me strong. but he also told me how he was goiong to date a gril in canada and that somehow was comfarting to know that if he can date a girl in canda without seeing her. a half an hour for us isnt bad at all <3
i read this article to not feel so alone .and it helped
(36) Dantes, April 1, 2007

LDR Can Be A Good Thing

I agree that long distance relationships can be very challenging. My wife and I have been in one for over a year before we married. But it worked out. Why? Because we know that we would be together one day. Faith, trust and deep emotional communication helped us thru this difficult times.
(35) Anonymous, February 10, 2007

We love images

I have been in a LDR for 4years and when we came to the part that we should start our life together, she start to panic and she chosen her career over me, when I asked her why this if there is someone else in ur life she was saying no but â€¦ she can't with all the reasons in the world she said â€¦ and when I told her I will come there so that we can talk face to face she refused saying there is no chance to be together so she rather not to see me.
(34) Anonymous, January 22, 2007

LDR is haaarddd...

Hi..I agree 101% that a LDR is hard. I have been in this relationship for almost 2 years now..I just recently became engaged with the most wonderful man in the world. He is an outta town construction worker 10 days on and 4 days off.. I am from another province but I am moving to his province soon.. It is an 8 hr drive from his place to mine but another 6 hrs from his work place to his home in manitoba and then he drives another 8 hrs to come see me...thats why hes the best....I love him to death and cant see life without him... I read articles from time to time to see when it will get get easy ...hahaha which i dont believe it ever will....but reading those articles are great....it lifts you when you need a life and reassurance that your not alone....and the feelings that come with the LDR is natural...so dont think ur going crazy....lol....
(33) Lucy, January 18, 2007

Oh My Gosh

Hi!...i loved this article, and reading the comments it's great!, i have been in a LDR for about 8 months or so...and since we begun the relationship we have been apart, and it's very hard!! cause he cannot come very often, and i am glad to know i am not the only one who freaks cause one day we don't call eachother...and get really upset for tiny things and i know it's the distance...so...we will see...thanks for the relif...
Lucy
(32) Anonymous, November 26, 2006

is good to read this because now I'm having a difficult time with my loved one and i needed to read that things things will always happen... thank you for your article, i really needed.
(31) D, October 5, 2006

Glad I am not alone

I really really enjoyed your article, ive gone through the things youve done (freaking out on my bf when he doesnt pick up the phone, getting unreasonably edgy).. Ive been in a LDR for about 9 months, my boyfriend's in the navy and we met when he was on leave. He was stationed in CA, and i go to school in MA... i got a summer internship in CA to be near him but now im back in MA and he is farther way... in Hawaii... but the relationsihp's still great and im going to hawaii for thanksgiving break.!. and yes LDR costs a lot (ive freaked out on him again about this)
(30) Rebecca, August 9, 2006

feelings of being alone

It is very hard to have a long distance relationship. I live in Minneapolis and he lives in Pittsburg my heart aches and feels so lonely at times, this article helps to know we are not alone. Its been 18 months and if he wasn't such a wonderful person I wouldn't do for 18 days. If this doesn't work I will never do it again, but for now I have to follow my heart.
(29) Kay, June 6, 2006

Very comforting, thank you so much!

I have just entered to a long distance relationship for a week, and I feel terribly uncomfortable. There is some kind of fear haunting me, and I know I need to fight against this feeling in order to go on smoothly. We just had a fight (lasted a couple of days) about phone calls. I am so glad that I found this article online. The part on missing phone calls is so true! Thank you so much! I feel much better now, and I learn a lot from the article! Thank you!!!!!
(28) Beth, May 23, 2006

It really IS haaaarrd!

I enjoyed this article. I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 3 years even though he lives in Minneapolis and I live in New Zealand. Sometimes you feel like giving up, but you just have to remember your man is going through exactly what you're going through. You gotta help eachother. Thanks for reminding me.
(27) Elizabeth, April 27, 2006

Thank you

I'm two and a half years in... and neither of us has moved.
But this was helpful.
(26) Samantha, April 11, 2006

Thanks SO much!

This is a wonderful & very helpful article & I would just like to thank you! It's really helped me out!
(25) Jessica, October 31, 2005

Thanks

I really enjoyed reading this. It is very helpful, I'm young and have a long distance relationship and often find it hard, very hard. I get sad sometimes and maybe a little selfish when it comes to the time we spend together. But seeing how to meet in the middle maybe him and I will be a little happier.
(24) Anonymous, October 4, 2005

Thank You

This article was a big help. My boyfriend is moving to Australia and I am in Canada. We have been having some seperation issues and this helped alleviate my tension somewhat! Great Advice :)
(23) sandra, August 18, 2005

i know in my heart this will get better

my boyfriend and i have been dating for a year and a half, i know we are not married and its not half way around the world, but we are plannin to get married and its an 11 hour distance. we are both in college and i am financially independent, doing the math that means im broke because all my money goes to school. we have been an hour apart, but that was never a big deal, i just cant stop crying and neither can he. i take comfort in that i read some articles about it online and think, "thats silly (whatever they are talking about doing, like talking about expectations and meeting in the middle, etc.), aaron and i did that a long time ago." its still so hard. it makes me happy to think that people all over the world are dealing with this too.
(22) Mirriam, June 9, 2005

keep o keeping on!!!!!!

I feel better to know tha ti don't have to go through this alone. I am in Australia and my boyfriend is in Africa....talk abot distance. We have been apart for over five months and are going to be for a further five. But the distance has strengthened us and we have grown to appreciate the love we have for each other. We communicate on a daily basis and find time for each other despite our busy schedules. We have learnt to be content even in this difficult situation, and we give each other the support that pulls through every day of our journey . Your article has made me realise that this is only a test of time and when its over, we will have the greatest reward of all "each other". All it needs is commitment, trust and patience biult on the primitive, but strong feeling of love. We all will make it. Trust me i know.
(21) sarah, March 10, 2005

why is it soooooooo hard....

I'm so glad, I'm not the only one out there who feels that way. I'm German, he's American. I met him in December (about 3 weeks before I left for Germany again), came back to the US for a 3 weeks visit and I'm going back this weekend. And it's sooooooooooooooo hard... We had to say good-bye today. We won't see each other for 2 months. No idea how I'm going to live through that.
I'm usually the one who needs to talk to him all the time when we are apart. I restricted myself to no more than 2 calls a week, 'cause I not want to bother him and get on his nerves with me calling all the time, eventhough he once said that he's never bothered hearing from me. He, though, tends to don't call me for like a week and then sends like ten messages within a half-an-hour.
Jeez, I miss him already...
(20) kelly, January 9, 2005

love is strong

im only 17 and im in a long distance relationship and it was love at first sight i live in england and he live sin spain and all this stuff about being all planned about what to do when u meet and things i think is stupid would u do that here no exactly. and if u like this person so much or love them like me then and the love is as strong back then you have no need to worry because love is the strongest emotion in the world and it can keep people together!!! so dont worry n just think how lucky you are.
(19) Anonymous, September 24, 2004

Stop the worry - learn to relax..

I've been involved a man since JUN.
He lived three hoours away then transferred to SA, TX. Our relationship is growing and I realize slow developments are good. I'm falling in love with this man and want to hear from him daily and panic if I don't. There is no need to panic either and he has given me no reason not to trust. But it's hard, that's all I can say...I don't want to lose Joe or drive him away with the notion that I'm needy. Not needy just need reassurance more often...When I worry that I haven't received an e-mail, he will call unexpectedly...so really I'm the crazy one...also I heard on Oprah that if a man claims he is busy this means that he is not really into you. This is comment is driving me nuts...
(18) David Jolly, May 28, 2004

its hard but this helped

Even though it is only a three hour distance it seems like forever. It sucks because we just started dating when I had to move and I am so much in love. I jump to conclusions to fast and you guys really helped to make me understand that I have to take it slow.
(17) marlene, April 12, 2004

thank you very helpful

i need all the help i can get in this particular issue. thank you so much.
(16) Crystal, March 9, 2004

This just saved me a lot of pain!

Thank you so very much for writing this article! I live in the US, and my fiancé lives in Austria. Until now, I have gone crazy when he didn't email me, or I couldn't get in touch with him on the phone. But from now until our January wedding, and even just until we see each other again in June, I will rest assured.

Your tips are so practical and true, but it's hard to see them, unless someone else tells you. It's one of those situations where you're too involved to be rational.

So, thanks for making me rational!

Sincerely,

Crystal
(15) Sarah, March 8, 2004

Army Love

I want to thank you for your very helpful article. I could relate to everything that was written. I have been with my wonderful boyfriend for three years now and he is currently serving in the military while I am in college. He is in CA right now, soon to be deployed to Korea. It's the hardest thing being away, but the best advice is to look to the future and then you will realize what you are fighting for to keep your relationship together. Thanks again for the very insightful e-mail. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one that thinks about the things that are mentioned in it.
(14) Gerry, September 3, 2003

It still hurts! Eep!

Your article helped a lot but it still hurts! I take it that all I can do is swallow the pain, talk things out with her, and send her things. I'm only 17 and she lives an hour and a half away driving. I have no car and she can't drive yet. Our phone bills are massive and I'm pretty much working to talk to her. Although it's defintely worth it, I don't have a chance or an opportunity to send her anything. Heeelp!
(13) Anonymous, July 21, 2002

On-line Long distance Relationship

Your article is very helpful indeed. I have been in a long-distance relationship for 1 yr now, and i just found out if i don't go there to live that he is going to move on. But we also have a trust factor right now. I can't trust him very much because of girls. He say's he love's me but i doubt it lately.
Your article is a great help though thank you.
(12) Helen Wolfe, June 21, 2002

Thank you for this article

You're right, it's no fun sometimes. I'm in Poland most of the time, and my boyfriend is in Britain. Both of us are in steady jobs which neither of us want to leave. We're both independent people, and kind of thrive this way, with daily e-mail and phone calls.
The high of seeing him for the first time in a couple of months is beyond description, but it's so painful to separate again.
Love to anyone else in the same situation.
(11) Crysande Martin, April 9, 2002

Its all true, true, true!!

This article described EXACTLY how I feel in my long distance relationship. I felt like she was describing me!. My boyfriend lives in Germany and me in the Caribbean, we have had our relationship for 8 months. So are we have had 4 months apart the first time. And one month the second. It is hard as you say... But I am trying to move there since he has 2 more years of university to complete.
(10) , December 25, 2001

I'm married and the long distance factor is really starting to put a strain on my marriage. I'm also expecting my first child in January. If anyone is out there and would like to talk or has a similar situation please feel free to email me.
(9) Anonymous, November 13, 2001

hope

I found hope in this article because my boyfriend and i have been together for almost a year. the last 2 months have been extremely difficult for us and we haven't talked in a week. I sent him this article in hopes that he'll read it and open the lines of communication again. i can only hope this has an impact on him like i do. thank you for such a wonderfully written article and new insight to my Long Distance Love.
(8) pamela merritt, September 2, 2001

never to late.

Its never to late to try a new realatinship.
(7) Anonymous, September 2, 2001

it can work

I found a wonderful man on AOL almost 2 yrs ago. We have continued our LD(2000 mi) relationship online/by phone/ weekend visits which is very rewarding for both of us as independent adults. Although our relationship is monogamous, the time between visits sometimes is almost more than I can bear. I need to be held !! Always think before you commit to this kind of a relationship....can you survive the lonely times over the phone?
(6) Anonymous, July 25, 2001

I agree it's hard

I fully agree with article I only tried a few time but it shows people are not that honest and both times when they get out of the car I am looking down at them though I just 1,65 m
(5) Dov Wise, July 25, 2001

What an insightful article!

I also learned where the exclamation point is on the keyboard
(4) Sha'ul Benya'akov, July 25, 2001

Very nice

Very nice article, very well thought out and also I feel entirely accurate.
(3) Anonymous, July 23, 2001

Excellent article, I am in this situation with my boyfriend living in S.A. we only have the phone and letters to keep us going.Waiting patiently for him to relocate to USA as we are both not young,
Your article has given me some encouragement and hope for my dreams
Karen.
(2) Zachary Kessin, July 22, 2001

Tips

Random tips for surviving this.

1) See each other as often as posible. That will depend on how far from each other you are and how you can travel. I just got back from a vistit with my Girlfriend who lives 3 states away, we had lunch together. But I have a pilot's licenece and access to an airplane.

2)Shop around for phone deals. Calling rates vary a lot shop around. You *WILL* have a big phone bill you can at least try to keep it under control.

3) Email, enough said.

4) Enjoy the time you do spend together.
(1) jackie, July 22, 2001

expenses...who pays?

I'm gonna be a female male chauvinist and rules girl here. I don't think the woman should pick up the costs of this at first. I think she should let the guy call and spend his money to come and see her. Women have a great capacity for self deception. Mr. Wedding Wonderful may only have been entertaining himself while he was out of town and bored. He may not have been serious and he may have a girlfriend at home for all we know. However, we women are great hands at misinterpretation and will turn ourselves inside out only to be disappointed.

The only way you know if a guy is serious and if he's going to treat you well and not take you for granted is if he's the one making most of the effort. I've been there a few times. When they expect you to make the moves and "share the costs" it generally means they're lonely in their out of town locale and are doing this till something better comes along locally. One guy I knew actually was serious but because I had spent all the money he expected me to make all the sacrifices in the relationship. He also expected me to support him.

Long story short...girls let the guy chase you and spend his money at least until you are VERY SERIOUS as in MARRIAGE if that's what you want. If it isn't what you want then look for someone local. You'll have more fun that way.

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About the Author

Liba Pearson

Liba Pearson lives in Jerusalem.

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