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The following statistic sends chills down my spine. The United States has the highest divorce rate in the world. At present rates, approximately half of all U.S. marriages can be expected to end in divorce.
Imagine that you're about to board a plane when the pilot says, "Statistics confirm that half of all planes taking off today are expected to crash." What would you do? You'll run off that plane!
In spite of the high number of divorces taking place right before our eyes, people still want to get married. And here's the interesting thing: Not one couple gets married with the intention of getting divorced.
We all believe our marriage will be successful. Yet statistics prove otherwise - half will fail.
Two questions we need to ask:
1) What is the problem?
2) What needs to change?
FINDING DIRECTION
We've all heard that "love conquers all." Many couples believe in their heart of hearts that if there's enough love between them, all problems will be conquered. But this wishful thinking often leads to heartbreak. Experience shows that you can love someone deeply - and still opt to divorce.
Yes, being in love helps. Yet the foundation of a strong marriage is created by something deeper still: sharing and pursuing mutual life goals.
Even with beautiful and endearing virtues, they still might divorce due to lack of a common life goal.
I have met couples who can't agree on important - even basic - goals. For example, the wife wants a child and the husband doesn't. What are the chances that this couple will stay together if both are strongly committed to their positions? The many reasons why they got married are still there. They both have many beautiful and endearing virtues. Both are sensitive, kind, intellectual, humorous, happy and ambitious. Still they might divorce due to lack of a common life goal - in this case, having children.
Unfulfilled life goals destroy even the strongest marriages. Fulfilling one's personal sense of meaning often supersedes love. Without a shared life direction, divorce can be just around the corner.
Gail Sheehy quotes a survey in her best-selling book "Pathfinders": What do you need in your life for it to be a good life? More than 60,000 people responded, and Sheehy used this data to conclude that the number one hallmark of well-being is that people need a sense of meaning and direction in their lives.
This life-orienting need is relevant to couples as well as to individuals.
If you are considering marriage, you need share with the other person those things that are most important to you. This doesn't mean simply reporting a history of personal activities. We don't enjoy one another merely because we both love golf and Chinese food. Rather it is life's ultimate goals that we are sharing and shaping, stemming from our most cherished dreams and desires. This is what makes a marriage bloom.
I'm a strong believer in the principle, "If you're a confused single person, you'll most likely be a confused married person." Never make the mistake of thinking that marriage solves existential questions about life! Being married, even happily so, is not your purpose in being. You should know, to the best of your ability, your life's aim even before you meet your spouse. Imagine the burden on your spouse if he is your life's navigator! One's meaning and purpose must come from within, never imposed from without. We each need to be our own person - true to our principles, true to what's important to us.
SHARED GOALS
Respecting one's spouse is crucial for a happy marriage. Jewish tradition teaches us that the main reason a woman respects a man is his direction in life. A woman is not impressed with a man who has "lost his rudder." A single man interested in getting married should know where he wants to go in life, and what the milestones along the way will be.
A woman should ask a man: "Where do you see yourself in 5, 10, 20 years." Listen to how he paints his life picture. Is it only in terms of financial accomplishments? Does it include marriage and family? How about involvement with his community? What about his development as a human being?
A woman should ask a man: "Where do you see yourself in 5, 10, 20 years."
Reflect on whether his dream is your dream. Remember: marriage is all about striving together toward shared life goals.
Practically speaking, if you want to get married, look for someone who is pursing and living a life dream that is in sync with your own. Don't marry into someone else's way of life. You might wake up a few years down the road and find yourself in a marriage that is heading in the wrong direction.
In short, know where you want to go and then find someone who is headed in the same direction. How can you do this? It's easy. First, make a "date" with yourself. Discover what makes you tick, what you value, what you want to accomplish with your life.
Then, and only then, start dating. Look for that special person who shares your goals. Remember, once you're clear about what you really want, you'll have a much better chance of finding the "right" person to share your life with.
DISCOVERING LIFE GOALS
Studies have shown that people who reflect upon their goals and commit them to writing, are more often than not, the ones who "make it." Commit 5-10 minutes a day over the next month to write down the following. (Trust me, there is nothing like doing this with pen and paper.)
1) Where do I see myself in one, five and 20 years?
2) In my life-review, is my spouse a part of these achievements, and in what way?
3) Make a list of the things that I respect in other people. Which of these things would I like my spouse to have?
4) Take some time and prioritize the list. Categorize the virtues into: a) "make-or-break" relationship issues, b) important but not critical, and c) "could do without, but it's great to have."
5) Discuss life direction and goals with the person you are dating. Use this compatibility factor as a measure of judging whether s/he is the "right one."
True achievement is never a one-time happening, but rather an ongoing series of correct choices. Even after spending the necessary time figuring out your aim in life, don't put your life on "automatic-pilot." You must revisit your aspirations and modify or change them when necessary.
The Jewish Sages understood this, suggesting that this contemplative process should continue throughout the year. We all need periodic "check-ups." There is the annual check-up on Rosh Hashana. Then there are 12 monthly mini-reviews which take place at the beginning of each Hebrew month (Rosh Chodesh). On Shabbat we reflect over the past week. And for finely-tuned individuals, there are two daily calibrating sessions, at the beginning of each day, and again before going to sleep.
Tweak your life direction so you're a "smooth running machine." And before you know it, you'll have a lifelong partner to share it with.
(28) alohameme , May 31, 2009
to love is to committ
when you committ to your love for the rest of your life--you cannot stay the same. you eventually accept differences and grow with one another. to stay the same and divorce--well--did you ever ask yourself if you were maybe just not meant for one another?
(27) eva , July 28, 2008
com'on
I haven't yet read all the comments but it's clear that most of the 1st ones didn't understand what the rabbi meant by "where will you be in 5 years!"
Of course only G.d knows that,and of course pple change but that's more a challenge of life, learn HOW to deal with your spouse's changes, more than just divorcing... Divorce was made as a key when a problem was beyond hope, nowadays, pple just don't want to "fight for piece", it's just much easier, not to fight!Especially if so many pple do it!
Coming back to asking where will you be in 5 years, is , as he said, what are your plans? HOW ARE YOU ENVISIONNING LIFE? And then see if your views go in the same direction, it's not enough that you both learn or do the same thing NOW, what about later...
And for the changes, let G.d plan them, that's His job, not ours!
(26) Feigele , July 17, 2008
Looking for Mr. Right!
First of all, what Roda said above is true, no one knows what or where you will be in the future, you can have dreams but remember, "while you are planning, G..d is laughing". I know old people who are still looking for the right person!!! no one who get married if we were to test and have all these requests. Our grandparents didn't ask so many questions to get married, it was chosen for them by their families and never got divorced, happy or not, they compromised and asked no questions. No, your life is not written in a book where you can follow directions. Things just happen.
(25) Linda , May 22, 2008
A Goal? at least have one!
I have always so impressed with my neice''s advice to a younger girl on choosing a mate, she said they must have at least the same or higher goal in life then you, If you''re a college student, you don''t want someone who is satisfied with flipping burgers, discuss everything before you marry, Money, one of the biggest issues, how to raise the children, and the biggest issue of all, you don''t marry an unbeliever, thay have to know your God too. or it''s destined to ruin.
Love is the by product of respect and sacrifice, and many stones along the way, but you move them out of the way, and continue forward.
the love couples have for each other after 50 years down the road is so much better then the fluff you started out with.
Did Ester love the King after being with him awhile? I think so.
and lastly choose wisely,take your time, don''t rush into any relationship. I listed 25 things I wanted in a husband, I got them all, is he perfect? No, you don''t get perfect on this planet, but he''s perfect for me, and I''m thankful for him.
(24) roda , May 22, 2008
disconcted from reality
Rabbi Clyman missed it completely. How can anyone know what they will do in 15 years or even in 1 year. People change. I am married for 20 years to a guy, who was completely normal when I met him, but over the years turned into Ultra-Orthodox zombie, who cares about nothing else but getting to Shacharis/Mincha/Maariv on time. Who could imagine this?