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It finally happened. And I can't say that I am particularly proud of myself.
Over the last few years, as I've watched more and more friends -- by far the majority now --depart the waters of singlehood for the shores of marital bliss, I've somewhat haughtily chided my fellow remaining singletons when they kvetched about being left behind.
I recall clearly sitting in a coffeehouse about a year ago with a friend -- a guy, actually -- and clucking at him as he whined about how friends' entry in the bounds of matrimony reliably represented the de facto end of their friendship.
"Oh, come on," I'd chided him. "That's not true. Change in a friendship doesn't necessarily signify its end."
"Your married friends just aren't there for you any more. They can't even return a phone call."
"But it does end," he had insisted. "Whether you let it whisper away gracefully, or whether it dies in some sort of conflagration, your married friends just aren't there for you any more. They can't even return a phone call."
I had told him that he wasn't being fair. Friendships grow and change all the time. You can't expect them to always stay the same. Getting engaged and married is an overwhelming period. Not for nothing do people hire wedding coordinators. You try picking a hall, a gown, a florist, a band, a videographer, a photographer, invitations, a menu, and making all the other required decisions while simultaneously trying to figure out and furnish where you and your soon-to-be spouse are going to live -- oh, and still manage to make semi-regular appearances at your office.
And that's only counting the time pressures.
Now add in the pressure from your families (turns out your mother's, her mother's, and your fiance's ideas of The Dream Wedding just don't match up), the fact that you're gaining weight which is going to be problematic since your dress can't be let out anymore, and meanwhile, your emotions are absolutely frayed beyond words (why did you ask her to marry you again?)… and we've not even reached the chuppah.
So big surprise, you're not so great at returning friends' phone calls at the present.
"You'll be the same," I told my friend.
"But it shouldn't be like that," he rejoined. "I won't be."
Cut to the present-day and, guess what, said friend is engaged, charmingly besotted with his fiancee, and quite busy -- besides the planning, the two sets of parents had to be visited on two separate continents (the couple lives on a third). He left me a breathless message last week, the first time I'd heard from him in months, saying that he doesn't have time to talk.
And I smiled, happy for him.
Despite whatever whispers of envy I might feel licking my earlobes, I usually am really happy for my friends, and resentments about being "left behind" are foreign emotions indeed.
But then, this: A few months ago, my friend Lia got engaged.
This was a friend for whom it should have been particularly easy to be delighted. Lia had been dating for a long time, longer than I have been, and has been through more than her share of dashed hopes, prospective princes who turned out to be warty frogs, and humiliations galore.
Our friendship was relatively new, but had quickly become important to me. Lia is compassionate, intelligent, and deep, and was one of the few people with whom I felt truly comfortable discussing the vagaries of dating.
When she started dating a great guy, I was delighted. But then it started: She got evasive.
I returned from a trip abroad and wanted an update.
"It's going well," she said in a sunny tone.
I pressed for more. Was a ring in the offing?
"We'll see," she said, happily. "We'll see where it goes…"
And so it went for a few weeks.
Then one night, we had plans to go to our kickboxing class together. At the last minute, she said that Michael was going to drive her there, but she'd get her usual ride home with me. When I got to the class, though, she wasn't there. On the way home, I left her a message saying that we'd missed her, and then went to bed.
The next day I saw a friend who, coincidentally, is related by marriage to Lia's boyfriend. "Is it true that Lia and Michael got engaged last night?" she blurted out, practically before I could say hello.
--and, ooof, it began.
I didn't know, and, really, hadn't even known that it was coming. Not in that immediate of a way, anyway.
But it was true. And it seemed that everyone had known before me, even a friend at my office who didn't know Lia or Michael personally, but only knew that they'd been dating from my talking about her. She'd heard from a mutual friend who'd told her not to tell me, since Lia wanted to tell me herself.
But Lia hadn't called me.
And as the day went on, I heard that the mutual friend and yet another friend had both gone to an impromptu, late-night celebratory soiree at Lia's.
And I still hadn't heard from Lia.
When she finally called early that afternoon, I was so hurt that I asked the receptionist to tell her that I was in a meeting. I knew I wouldn't be able to disguise the distress in my voice. --It's her day, I told myself. This is the day she's waited for. Don't you dare spoil it for her. You know how hectic it must have been last night. You give her the benefit of the doubt. She had other things to do than call you. This is not about you.
Eventually, I called her back and managed to sound as excited as I wasn't.
But then she erred. She asked me where I'd heard the news and I answered that I'd heard it from multiple sources. She paused.
She could have said, "You know, I am sorry… I really wanted to tell you myself, but time just got away from me…" or some such thing.
Instead, she said this: "You know, er, I tried to call you last night."
She did? But there were no messages, on either my phone or cellphone.
"Well, I tried… but my phone died…"
Her phone died?
"You know, I had so many people to call… my parents, my rabbi…"
If I had been hurt before, I was now crushed. "Um," I stammered, "I really didn't think you'd call me before your parents…"
Why did she have to lie? That made it so much worse.
She didn't tell me this was happening, then she didn't tell me that it had happened, and then she lied about it.
And so it has gone… in the weeks since the engagement, I saw her once -- at a business meeting -- and received one e-mail from her thanking me for a business lead I had sent to Michael.
The real pain is that I thought our friendship was more important to her.
And I hear snatches from others. They're going away the week after the wedding… Michael's been selling furniture they don't want for their shared home… she's trying to find a renter for her apartment…
And, from everyone, I also hear that they barely have spoken with her… she's so busy… she's overwhelmed…
Yet all I hear is that dark, grousing spot somewhere deep inside my gut, that whining, kvetchy voice that reminds me that Lia doesn't have time for me. I also hear what I think is the real pain: I thought our friendship was more important to her. It makes me feel bitter, and sad, and terribly, terribly small.
A friend laughed at me for planning to go to her shower the week before the wedding, now not long off at all.
"Why should you go when you'll just sit there being miserable?" she asked.
Because the truth is that I know I am being ridiculous, and the truth is that I am almost ashamed of my inability to get over this already. I owe it to her -- and, more so, to myself --to psyche myself out of this. Forgive her for being a bad friend right now, forgive her for whatever she did that -- unwittingly -- hurt me.
True, Lia probably should have told me herself, but she can't help the fact that the rivers of gossip moved too quickly. She definitely shouldn't have lied to me about it, if in fact she did. But, if she did lie, if anything, it's a sign of the fact that she did want to tell me herself because our friendship is important to her.
She had just seen her dreams coming true, her life taking new form, and she was carried away with whatever was taking place… and there didn't need to be a place for me in that euphoria. I understood all that a year ago when I was talking with my friend, the soon-to-be groom.
When a person has a life-altering shift in status, yes, she will have less time to devote to friends. It's a matter of math, not emotion.
My friend in the cafe? was right -- friendships do change when a friend gets married. Any significant growth or alteration in someone's life will usually alter the relationships she maintains. It's normal and natural.
When you get married, you're enveloped in newness -- the delightful headiness of being a couple, along with all of the real grunt work that we'll all be required to put in to build healthy marriages. And, beyond that, when you're married, the majority of your emotional energy belongs to your spouse.
If a person has a life-altering shift in status -- getting married or becoming a parent -- yes, she will have less time to devote to friends. It's a matter of math, not emotion.
The lives best lived are those that are dynamic, always moving steadily forward, always progressing and growing. That's one of the hardest parts about being single when you don't want to be: your life can feel stuck. You want desperately to move forward, to become a wife, to become a parent, but it's beyond your control to shift into the next gear by yourself.
But part of being an adult -- and part of being a good friend -- is understanding that when the next stage comes for your friends, you have to let them go.
(58) Anonymous , May 11, 2009
Jealousy my foot!
What a crock, it is so shameful some of the mindless sucking up people do to engaged couples. If you notice all of the people that felt left behind on this forum are women. Althought men feel left behind they never feel as neglected as women. Because women take on this nasty overtone of being special because they are getting married. I mean were they really happy when someone else got married before them? No! Why cant two people exist in the world a the same time. The world does not revolve around the bride and it is not her day. The day belongs to everybody and to the degree that the bride wants others to share in the day she should at least be civil and not a snot. A wedding is not needed what so ever. The problem usually comes not just wih marriage. But with the wedding and engagement period where women revel in being "special". Thus, causing a lot of probelms. And what is really annoying is that same bride showing up at the next wedding like she is so happy and "understanding" of your weddding, but you couldnt be "understanding" at hers. Yeah righ he only thing she "understands" is that she got married before you and she is happy. This is not only about jealous of the bride but also pride of the bride.
(57) Anonymous , May 6, 2009
i halfway agree with 56. i agree that the single friend shouldnt pin the bad feeling on the selfishness of the married friend, but i dont agree that its always due to jealousy. my closest friend just got married and i was ecstatic for her, one of the happiest moments in my life. the hard part about it though is that she is not as available as she was when she was single, which totally makes sense. but my solution isnt to say- im gonna drop her and find someone else to fill my needs- my solution is to recognize that everyone has a life and no one is available all the time. if in want to be happy and productive i have to figure out how to be my own best friend. that doesnt mean not having freinds and becoming a recluse, but the only people who are responsible to be totally dedicated to me are me and my future husband, and the only for sure constant in my life is G-d. basically, realize that your married friends love you but have their lives. dont take it personally, and have a good cry every so often. and then enjoy your new sense of maturity and self-reliance. and its always good to talk it over with your friends just so you understand each other. and just one more thought that has helped me keep things in perspective- if the married friend was sick, G-d forbid, or away on an expedition in iceland, i would totally understand her lack of calls and not take it personally. gluck to everyone out there and may G-d help us all live a very happy and productive life.
(56) Anonymous , January 29, 2009
i would argue that this is a problem that women (ok perhaps men as well, certainly mostly women) create for themselves and can be summarized in one word: jealousy. i think it is unbelievably selfish to hold grudges against friends for changing....everyone changes at some point...everyone moves on, etc. To everyone who claims to be "hurt" or "betrayed" or whatever adjective you pick for yourself, GROW UP and GET OVER IT. It would be one thing if you didn't get a wedding invite or something that is blatantly mean or spiteful.... from what i've read from the majority of those who have posted (and the author), it seems they are merely jealous...which i can deal with, its natural, i get that way as well sometimes. however, when jealousy causes you to do things like respondent 53 said, "I am one of her bridesmaids, but doesn't she want to know how I am doing, at least for 5 minutes or so? I have not called her back. Since she only wants to talk about the dress, I will wait until it is ready for me to pick up".. holy shit, i think this person is the one who needs a wake up call, big time.... HELLO, you are a bridesmaid!! do you think you would be if this person didn't care about you? if i had to bet on it, i would guess one (or more) of the following: you are single, you are not as attractive as your 'friend', not as popular as your 'friend', not as successful as your 'friend'. why would i suggest this? because your friends question about her bridesmaids dress bothered you... i think you have alot of time on your hands to sit there and stew on bs. btw, i am a male, so maybe i can't understnad the female menality, but here is how i can relate and how i behave: i have very good friend, my age (25) who was married about 6 months ago... i have not seen him since his wedding in person, though we have spoke via telephone maybe 3-5 times. i was a groomsmen at the wedding. we have been friends since about age 7. guess what??? i'm happy for him!! he bought a house!! thats great, good for him!! i bet if i was any number of the women who have posted i would think he (or for the sake of argument 'she') was an asshole who only thinks of himself. well guess what, he doesn't only think of himself, but he does (and i would expect him to) put himself and his wife first before his friends.... that is why we get marriend isn't it??? isn't it b/c our spouse is the most important person in our lives w/ maybe exception of family, and even for me thats a big 'maybe'. i cannot wait to find someone that is worthy of me leaving my friends behind haha, that of course is a joke, but there is some truth to it. ok, i've ranted way too much, so i will try and summarize...girls, its not the end of the world unless you make it that way, you should be happy for these so-called friends, and finally, anyone bitching that their friend is awful for asking about a dress for their big day (not yours) is selfish and honestly lucky to even be a bridesmaid, and i would also guess that this person is very much, what you might call a two-face. sweetheart i hope you get to read this b/c maybe, just maybe you'll realize something...like maybe you're single for a reason... sorry so blatantly mean, but this really hit a nerve w/ me for some reason....
(55) MCab44 , January 22, 2009
Same Boat
I have actually been struggling with this exact problem for the past month or so. My good friend had a baby a year ago - and contact has been sporadic, but I learned to accept it. I tried not to take it personally. Then my best friend got married and had a baby a month ago. That was a little harder to take because we were so close before. Now I hardly ever hear from her, and I usually have to call at least 3 times to get a response from her. That combined with another friend who's husband doesn't let her do anything with anybody, and another one who blows me off if a guy so much as looks in her direction - is all too much to take. It is terribly disappointing and hurtfull. I understand that family comes first, but friends to me have always been very important and I don't understand why friendships can't continue even with dating and marriage and babies. I think though despite my diappointment I am starting to accept that I cannot depend on these friends anymore and that I need to meet new people. Its one thing to feel sad, but I won't feel sorry for myself.
(54) Anonymous , November 25, 2008
What Lauren went through is absolutely wrong. I think it's disgusting that a supposed friend can do that. I can't understand why you just couldn't come out and ask her in a direct way why she didn't call you - instead you let yourself feel guilty for not relating to her situation. This woman getting engaged is in one of two places: - either she is that she is too wrapped up in herself and not thinking of others, making her a negligent friend, or - Lauren may not have explained more fully that actually the entire relationship was based around being single and this friend telling her she's engaged would hurt Lauren's feelings. Her reaction was to try and avoid her friend and somehow not face up to dealing with the situation which only made Lauren feel unvalued and worthless. In my opinion, this totally odd behaviour makes more sense from the second viewpoint. Otherwise, Lauren's friend would be an extremely self-absorbed person who she probably wouldn't have befriended in the first place if she was like that. Either way, if she can't face you ditch her and forget her - she's not worth it. It's painful when that happens in life but just make sure that you never treat others the same way and forget about her.