I sometimes wonder if people realize that a slight comment can cause so much pain. Why is it that just because your plight is well-known, people assume they can ask you anything about it, in public? Couples who are childless, people who are sick or disfigured, someone who is having business trouble or going through a divorce; the list goes on.
Being single in a marriage-minded world is my public experience of pain.
I cringe at the thought of so many people being aware of my challenge (in the community I live in, being single is viewed as a major life challenge). I’m forced to speak about very private things and answer questions I would never ask someone else. The ease with which people talk to me about dating and my private life is so hurtful and throws me off guard.
I have started grading painful words on a scale of 1 to 10; it makes me feel better and helps me reframe people’s idiocy into “what were they thinking?” so I can have a laugh. Yes, everyone means well, but if I hear another one of these expressions again any time soon…
- Each date is bringing you closer to the right one.
- This will be the year.
- I just don't know anyone good enough for you.
At a Shabbos table, small children look up at me and ask if I have a husband and why not. Last week in the kosher grocery store I was cornered by a loud busy body who heard there was a guy in my age range in town. I was going to ask her if he had a pulse or should I just jump at it because in this market a gal shouldn't be picky.
Japanese scientist Masaru Emoto has published a book with his findings from worldwide research on the affects of water, evidence that thoughts, words, ideas and music affect the molecular structure of water. He claims that if human speech or thoughts are directed at water droplets before they are frozen, images of the resulting water crystals will be beautiful or ugly, depending on how positive or negative were the words or thoughts. Imagine how powerful words are if they can effect the molecular structure of water.
“What should we say?” The answer is most often, “Nothing.”
People don't mean to throw stones and cause pain; they may really be concerned and caring. People want to know, “What should we say?” and the answer is most often, “Nothing.” The key is to think before you speak. Evaluate if it could possibly cause any pain. If the answer is yes, then don't say it.
We like to know all the news and be involved, but it shouldn’t be at someone else’s expense. If a painful topic comes up perhaps recognizing that you don’t have anything to say and admitting it is a show of support. You don’t have to have all of the answers.
No one means to say things that break your heart. They just don't realize that when you say goodbye to them you want to lie in bed and cry. I have spent a lot of time wondering why I was the recipient of so many of these “concerned comments.” I really believe God is teaching me to be more sensitive. When I see someone in a situation I don‘t understand or cannot relate to, I have to stop myself before I speak. I don't know how they feel. I don’t know what will make them cringe and want to hide. Maybe what I am about to say will really hurt them.
Perhaps God has made me the receiver of so many "sticks and stones" so I could be more careful with others. When I want to ask an inappropriate question with no real reason I think twice. Sensitivity seems to be a real exercise which requires lots of training. God gave me the opportunity to have a lot of training, and if it means I can prevent someone else from hurting, doesn’t that make it a blessing?
(58) ANON , November 17, 2009
Our existence is proved by other's comments
We all talk about the light and we do because light exists. When we say something about the light is because we have knowledge of it, perceive it, see it and use it, etc. and sometimes we may say something bad about the light, but it is because we always expect to get a perfect light, since we know that light is inherently perfect. Sometimes, a person can get hurt by the words of others, but when we learn to discover the intent of those comments and listen to that unheard voice that is behind the comment, then we are indeed, receiving the true message. Our existence, will never be out of the comments of those who have perceive it in their minds.
(57) Anonymous , November 13, 2009
What do you say to these people?
Did you ever explain your feelings to the people who say these things to you? Did you ever tell them how you would prefer them to speak to you? If you could choose your interactions, how would you like people to speak with you?
(56) Sharon , November 8, 2009
To No. 53
Sorry, but that's one big cliche, that response of yours. You are most certainly married, or you wouldn't have turned to Yachna remarks. This may come as a surprise, but single people, despite the lonliness, don't spend their days crying, venting or in self pity. We work, travel, have many hobbies AND YES, we smile & laugh while doing them, from the bottom of our hearts, no faking. Nosie, Yenta remarks, have nothing to do with what we are projecting, read all the other comments, and face it Ma'am: some people are just rude by nature, enjoy bragging & gossiping and most of all: enjoy looking down at people. I myself, can not judge them for the better.
(55) monica , November 7, 2009
I hear ya ladies!
I find this to be a very interesting and personal topic. I often get remarks like these all the time. I laugh it off and often make a joke. Buts its incredibly rude and being a private person I do not appreciate having to openly talk about my private dating life to people I barely see throughout the year. I think people have to be more sensitive but I obviously cant ask for this. But maybe individuals should realize that not everything is up for discussion. And most of the time its not an issue of a women of age not dating enough but finding the right person and until we do we do not need to disclose every step or detail of the process. I guess I am just venting but what can a single gal do. To everyone out there dealing with ignorant people, I hear ya, and keep being the strong ladies we all are. Usually these women who get these comments are the most interesting people I know.
(54) Devora , November 7, 2009
An answer to why get married (which so many of you asked)
So many of you are reading something that is not there. She never says that what pains her is being single.. she says that it's people's comments are what causes her so much pain. And there is a huge difference!!! think about it. Now to answer many of your questions on why religious people want to get married.. Hashem commands us in parshat kedoshim in the book of Levitacus (Vayikra) To be Kadosh, "Kadoshim Tihiyu" which is usually translated as "you shall make yourself holy". So what does holiness/ Kadosh mean? It means connecting yourself to Hashem. The idea of a jew is to live a life of Holiness or Kedusha. We call the act marriage Kedushin (meaning holiness, same root as kadosh) So one way achieve this Kedusha or connection with G'd is through marriage (which doesnt mean if you are not married you are not kadosh/holy/connected to G-d. There are other ways to be connected/ kadosh). Enough said. This by the way, does not give anyone the right to comment or judge anyone else's sitiuation. And there is a felt pressure in certain communities to get married young,This is because judaism places great value on the home. All this said, a girl should only get married when SHE wants to, and feels ready, and not for any other reason. I find the author's way of dealing with her these painful comment to be very positive, we should all be able to meet our personal challenges with the same senserity and possitivity the author shows. Thanks.