Sometimes I have to force myself into hope. I’m not always depressed -- I’m actually happy most of the time. I have a wonderful life, fabulous friends, a great family, a job I love and a community that I can give to and that takes care of me.
But I have a hole in my life. Sometimes it doesn’t seem too big; other times it’s so big I wonder if I can ever climb out of it. My full life is missing a husband and a family. I’m just as childless as a couple married for years without success, but I have nobody to share the pain and disappointment with.
Thank God I do have so many other wonderful parts of my life and I believe that my husband and children will come. I just wish I had a time frame, and maybe even a name.
I was at a wedding last week and had one of those wonderful evenings that gives me hope. The couple getting married knew each other for 13 years and dated through high school and college. For reasons beyond their control they were not able to marry until now. They struggled for the past few years, knowing they wanted to build a life with each other and not able to see the dream come true. Here they were, surrounded by family and close friends, on a magnificent, warm November day that only Californians can expect. I watched him coming towards her with the men dancing around him and the women surrounding her laughing and crying as the couple saw each other for the first time.
As they stood under the chupah with the rabbi who helped them through their struggles, everyone smiled and cried a little more. We danced for hours. Weddings can be hard for me to go to. Not that I don’t wish the couple happiness, but there is always the nagging thought, Why not me? There was none of that at this wedding. This one gave me hope and belief that one day, with God's help, I will also find the right man for me.
We all have hardship; it’s how we react to it and work through it that defines us.
Everyone has challenge in his or her life. Our sages tell us that our tests are tailor made for us. If everyone would put their problems in a big pile and had to go back in and pick one, they would choose theirs. The most special people I know, the ones I look up to the most, happen to be individuals who have had tremendous pain and struggle. That common denominator is not a coincidence. They worked through the challenge and came out that much better for it.
We all have hardship; it’s how we react to it and work through it that defines us. I have other pains in my life, but feeling alone in the world, with only God at my side, is my biggest. I have to remind myself all the time that it's my reaction to the test that will define who I am when it's over.
Unfortunately I’m not alone in this pain and I am very much aware that I have it so much better than so many of my peers. Not everyone has the support system I do, or the great job I can lose myself in. I am blessed in countless ways. As I’ve said before, God in His infinite wisdom has put me on this path; He is running the world, my world, and knows exactly what’s going on. And that’s why I have to keep the hope alive.
I have to keep praying and doing as much good as I can to make sure I’m on the radar for everyone to remember me. It’s so easy to get lost in it all, to get depressed, lonely, sad, and angry. I need to work on being hopeful and happy, and thoughtful of others, to not dwell on the part of my life that I feel is bad (God doesn’t think it is; He put me here to grow). I have hope that one day (may it be soon!) I will be the one walking down the aisle to meet the man I will be one with forever.
(66) Anonymous, February 9, 2010
it was around the holidays
Around the holidays, alot of people can start feeling lonely. Rachel you sound very grounded, in all areas of your single life. The most important part you have put God #1 in your life and all else comes forth from that. Sounds like you have the seasonal down in the dumps, just around certain times, like holidays and social functions that most people attending are coupled off. Be honest with yourself, when these times occur, and plan ahead of time, something special for yourself. Example, one Valentine's Day, all us single gals at work, 22 of us, went out to dinner, and we had a blast. If you spend alot of time with your married friends, this may afterwards leave you feeling lonely and unfulfilled. Most married women secretly envy single independent women. Buy yourself Birthday gifts and treat yourself to a day at the spa and pamper yourself during those times. And find other single people to hang out with, making a mission out of it to help other single people. For not all have it together as must as you do. Women in their mid-twenties, if not dating, or married yet, can have the fear of becoming an old maid, and yet they are so young. This happens probable more in a smaller town, where being married is the norm. It is worse to be married and lonely then to be single and lonely. At least when your single you can still have hope, and have more liberity to do something about feeling lonely or depressed, than when your married. Your a caring person, and their is lots of people in the world starving for love. Continue to share your care and concern for others. and love with return to you.
(65) Anonymous, February 8, 2010
Gabriel is right sorry
harsh as it seems Gabriel is on the right track.me i blane the mothers.Getting married is a numbers game the more men a girl meets the more likely she is to find the one.her best time to do this is when she is between 19 & 25 years old after that the no of available men declines dramatically.as my son says what boys want is a slim pretty girl who is well put together and is pleasant if not fun to be with.If the boys dont find the girl physically attractive they wont be interested in her midos .women tend to have this ridiculous shopping list without considering what if anything they might have to offer the type of man they want.mothers should get their daughters together fix their teeth get their skin cleared up make sure their hair and nails are done dump the glasses for contacts and buy them some descent flattering clothes. they dont have to cost a fortune the high street will do consider it an investment. whist girls dont have to be a size 0 copious flab has very limited appeal .the girls should stop whining and find something interesting to say sorry but if it aint working it HAS to be fixed.if you want to win the lottery you have to buy a ticket or as it is said else where the Lord helps those who helps themselves. Having attended a few 'singles'friday night services all I can say is that the vast majority of these girls mothers should be ashamed of themselves btw i am a happilly married women who wouldnt be seen dead without hair and nails done and properly dressed call me supperficial if you like but after more than 25 years of a good marriage I believe I know what I am talking about
(64) yael, January 25, 2010
thank you
It was beautiful- I identify so very much with it-
(63) Anonymous, January 24, 2010
Thank you so much for the article it was very nice. I believe we have to belive it will come on right time. And try growing more close to Hashem.
(62) Anonymous, January 21, 2010
geez
to #8 Gavriel, and I know almost everyone on here has had something to say about your post. I just have to say, I am 25, single girl, skinny, and i am considered very attractive, I am sweet warm and understanding, and I am a successful accountant. You sir, are a jerk,