click here to jump to start of article
Join Our Newsletter

Get latest articles and videos with Jewish inspiration and insights​

8 Reasons You’re Not a Dating Failure

8 Reasons You’re Not a Dating Failure

The relationship may have failed but you’re not a failure.


Okay, the relationship ended. It failed, but no, you’re not a failure. While a failed relationship may feel like a personal failure, the reality is that you’ll be “failing” in dating all the time until you meet the “one.” So unless you’re blessed to date your soul mate on your first date, you’re going to rack up quite a few dating “failures.”

Reframing your mind will help you to maintain perspective on dating “failures” and preserve your self-esteem. Here are 8 reasons why you’re not a dating failure.

1. Relationships do not determine self-worth. Whether or not you’re in a relationship does not determine your greatness. You can be single and fantastic, or married and fantastic. You can also be single and miserable or married and miserable! Your attitude determines your altitude. Any relationship you are in will benefit from a great attitude and healthy self-esteem.

2. It’s human nature not to like everyone. It’s human nature that we connect more to some people than others. That is not a failure – that’s just human nature. Of course there will be the time that you both like each other. The best is yet to come.

3. We all struggle. Have you read the article about how easy it is to date and find the one? No? Me neither. That’s because we all struggle in life and love. At some point we go through love challenges. Before I got married I thought I’d never meet the “one.” The struggle and pain I felt was unbearable. Don’t despair; struggling is normal and a part of the process.

4. Failure is actually a part of success. The way to be a success in life and love is to try. The path to success is laced with failures along the way. So what you see as “failure” is actually the pathway to success. An actual failure would be not trying at all. Don’t be afraid to try and not succeed. Only be afraid of not trying at all, for that is true failure.

5. It’s out of your control. Whether you’re in a relationship or not is not always up to you. No matter how hard you try to find the “one,” it’s ultimately out of our hands. G-d has a plan, and it doesn’t always align with what we prefer. Yes, you need to do your part in looking and dating; however, you also need to let go, be patient and remind yourself that you don’t run the show (and neither do I or I’d deliver your soul mate now). Things are happening behind the scenes, even when it’s not at the speed which you would prefer.

6. You have great character traits. Most singles who are dedicated to finding the “one” are both passionate and persistent. These traits are aligned with successful people. As the saying goes, things worth having don’t come easy. Take pride in your efforts and keep the traits that make you a better person.

7. You have hope. If you’re still trying to find the one even after many unsuccessful attempts, that is a strong indication that you still have hope. I know the hope may be deep within you, but that glimmer of hope is what makes you a great person. People who are more hopeful and positive generally live better lives and achieve their goals. Striving for something you believe in makes you a courageous person and that is an attractive trait to have when dating and in life.

8. You’ve moved mountains. Recognize everything you’ve done in trying to make the right relationship happen. If I asked you to list all your efforts, your list would be pages long. Anyone who has made this much effort to find their other half is an inspiration to me. You have endurance and stamina. Take pleasure in the inner strength that comprises your core.

If you haven’t succeeded in love yet, remember that you’re in good company. Breathe deeply and remember that love is coming your way. Keep your eyes open and your heart ready to welcome someone into your life.

September 15, 2015

Give Tzedakah! Help create inspiring
articles, videos and blogs featuring timeless Jewish wisdom.
The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 4

(3) Cindy, October 22, 2016 3:09 PM

Good advise. Thanks

(2) Miri, November 3, 2015 10:46 PM

Well said Scott

To Scott: I think you described it very well how you was looking for a person to marry and start a family. Beautiful! I had similar experiences and even trough I had some doubts about mentioning early on to my current husband that I am interested in marriage, it worked out well. Wish everybody who is looking (or not yet looking) to find their bashert !

(1) Scott, November 2, 2015 9:30 AM

I was a "dating" failure. Got married anyway.

I had a bit of an evolution in dating. I started out clueless and didn't get a lot of second dates. Then I learned the rules enjoyed the game and got too many fifth dates.

Then I despaired on finding a wife using the rules and started living life. I stopped shopping for ms right in the meat market. I figured that id make the world my shopping mall. I went to shul. I volunteered. I stayed in town and didn't take vacations. I spent less time with my guy friends on the golf course and more time in places that women actually were. I went to work and paid attention to clients and coworkers. I smiled at people on the bus. I actually started talking to the guy that served me coffee. The people that parked in my lot. I didn't nod and wave, I introduced myself and learned names. And one of those people I wouldn't have met unless I was paying attention ended up to be my wife. Or ended up knowing my wife to be more accurate.

I met her on a blind date. I told her I liked her and wanted to meet again on that first date. I called the next day and left a message. On the second date we talked about the things that mattered- family religion kids money location career. Within a month I proposed and six months from meeting her we were married.

I wasn't dating anymore. I was looking to get married. I expressed clear interest in a non creepy way, saw she was looking to get married, not someday, but now and proceeded accordingly. Had she told me she wanted to marry "someday" I'd have never have had a third date. Had she found my expression of interest creepy I'd have never had a second.

If I had to paint a picture of the perfect woman for me ten years ago it would not be my wife. But now it is. When I was dating I was playing a game show looking for the biggest showcase. When I started working in getting married I found an actual wife.

L.S., November 5, 2015 6:36 PM

great story!

This is a great story! Congrats on you for finding Mrs. Right. One month of dating? wow! I like the part where you said that the portrait of what the Mrs would be is different now than it was 10 years ago. It's a similar story to me, actually. The man I am with now (and want to marry!) is very different than what I envisioned for myself 5 years ago.

Submit Your Comment:

  • Display my name?

  • Your email address is kept private. Our editor needs it in case we have a question about your comment.

  • * required field 2000
Submit Comment