True Romance

I spent a lot of my childhood reading my grandmother's large collection of True Romance magazines. My grandmother immigrated to America from Hungary when she was a teenager, and that's the highest literary level she ever achieved. Either that or she really enjoyed the glamour and escape those comics provided after a long day in the grocery store she owned with my grandfather.

At any rate, I found the melodramatic stories terribly intriguing, with all the complications and anxiety that romance can provide. There was always some sort of love triangle going on or an awful misunderstanding, with break-ups and make-ups that continued on into sequels. I was fascinated by the obsessions and heartache the characters endured, and I assumed I was learning all about love relationships. True Romance 101.

That was the beginning of an education that I should never have acquired.

That was the beginning of an education that I should never have acquired. I got the rest of my romantic expectations from pop music and Hollywood films. Some of the major messages seemed to be:

• If your true love acts like a jerk, it's acceptable as long as you love him.

• Love involves emotions such as jealousy, possessiveness and the constant fear of losing your beloved to someone else prettier than you.

• You shouldn't care what anyone else, even close family members and good friends, think about your beloved. The main thing is that he makes you swoon.

• Unrequited love is a noble thing, and it's understandable to want to die if you're rejected by someone with whom you are infatuated.

By the time I was ready for marriage in the 1970s, I knew exactly how I was supposed to feel about the man I would marry. Until the day I met him.

The man that wanted to marry me aroused feelings much less intense and exciting than I was primed for. On some of our dates I was even slightly bored and happy to return to the chatter and chaos of my all-girl apartment. This man was open, reliable, ambitious and interested in me. He was not moody, never unpredictable, lacked mystery and had absolutely no criminal tendencies. He was straightforward and to my mind, dull beyond description. He seemed like a good person to have for a neighbor, not my golden opportunity for passion and glory. Where were the fireworks, the thumping heart, the tears of torment, the moments of rapture? I was miserable that I wasn't sick with longing. I hadn't lost my appetite and I slept just fine. How could this be love?

Thankfully, at that stage in my life, I was attending Torah classes and learning new lessons about love and marriage. I was supposed to look for good character traits, like humility and compassion. My friends and I dreamed of marriage to a Judaic scholar, a role model for the children, an asset to the community. That didn't sound like the musicians or artistic types I had always dreamed of.

The man who wanted to marry me was so normal. And my father actually liked him, which was something brand new. I just couldn't reconcile myself to him being "the one."

Yet after awhile, his sweetness grew on me. So I took the plunge (I wasn't getting any younger) and we finally got married. Slowly and tenderly, we began to build our relationship, although I sometimes still fretted that our relationship would never be the inspiration for a story in True Romance.

A few months later I was thrilled to discover that I was expecting a baby. One afternoon as we were walking through town, I decided we must have ice cream cones. In my pregnant state, I chose the black walnut raisin and brandy flavor. My husband opted for vanilla. "Oh c'mon!" I teased him. "Try something exciting!"

"No, I like vanilla." he insisted, "that's always good."

We paid for our ice creams and sat down to eat them in a nearby park. I took a big lick of my quickly melting cone and it was absolutely revolting! I couldn't believe this had been my choice and I had ordered a triple scoop! I watched my husband settle down to enjoy his plain white ice cream and began to covet it intensely.

"What's wrong?" he asked me. "Everything okay?"

"This tastes terrible!" I admitted. "I can't eat this!" I felt especially bad because in those days we had so little money and an ice cream cone, believe it or not, was a luxury item.

He looked at me with a straight face and said' "You probably want me to trade with you, right?"

"Well," I said to my new husband, "I don't want to be rude."

"No, no, it's all right. Here, take mine."

He held out his cone and I gave him mine. He tried it. "Oh yum," he said loudly. "This is great, really delicious."

I looked at him gratefully and tried his vanilla. It was wonderful. And then I realized: so was he.

“Exotic” may look good, but that’s only from the outside. When you’re building a home, in it for the long run, and you're hot and tired (and pregnant), you want something – not “boring” – but steady, reliable and dependable.

What I now call True Romance.

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Published: April 24, 2010
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Visitor Comments: 38

(35) Anonymous, March 7, 2012 4:12 AM

Beautiful! Thank yu

(34) ana, July 31, 2011 5:11 PM

what a sweet story

thank you.

(33) Suzie, July 22, 2011 3:50 PM

How awful!

How terrible to teach people it's ok to marry someone you have lukewarm feelings for. What if he thought you were vanilla? You may not need to have an hollywood-style relationship, but for God's sake this is the man you're going to spend the rest of your life with, you should be passionate about this person. I'm sure he's a great guy, and his true soul mate is out there pining away for him. She's probably sick of dating guys that want her to quit being so boring, and wishes she could find a nice guy to spend a quiet life with. Why on earth would aish.com publish this? I'm never coming back to this site. I'm very disappointed with article after article that basically claim that passion and love are impractical and we should just marry the first nice person that comes along and then work like hell to ignite the spark.

Junno, August 15, 2012 5:11 AM

I agree

I agree 100% with what you are saying love should not be hard to get nor we have to accept the first nice one and then work hard to make it work , we need the pation in it also.

Anonymous, April 18, 2013 7:19 PM

Misunderstood

I am afraid you misunderstood the thrust of this article. It seems to me she was saying that all the Romance novel stuff and Hollywood business is garbage! A lasting relationship is built on trust, reliability, predictably, and mutual respect, not fiery passion.

(32) Lolita, June 19, 2010 3:11 PM

So true when I read this it moved me to tears it was so realistic, as women we grow up with soap opera dreams & fantasies we are brain washed or so dysfuntional to want instead of healthy normal relationships. I realized I always tell ppl I go for the predictable reliable non exciting men, I don't want a jerk or drama in my life, most times the women look at me crazy for not wanting a thug or exciting guy, I don't need that kinda excitement in my home life.

(31) shoshana, May 28, 2010 7:40 PM

Cool

I think that its cool that this is so true about love and dating

(30) Anonymous, May 14, 2010 12:27 AM

very beautiful and down to earth article. It touched me beyond words. Thank you

(29) Anonymous, May 4, 2010 7:18 PM

Best article ever! Thank you, and please send my appreciation to the author!

(28) redha, May 3, 2010 8:17 PM

is there who care about me cause i die whithout love

(27) Naomi Harlow, May 3, 2010 2:53 PM

Oh so very true

What a great article! Right from the Heart. I'm sending it to my 2 Granddaughters of Marriagable Age. She writes what a lot of us think, but can't put into words.

(26) Tina, May 2, 2010 3:03 AM

re 23

I agree with 24 Actually vanilla is absolutely delicious. I also love it as a basis for perfume. And when i wanted to wear perfume without the price tag I put plain old cooking vanilla on. And yes women who were brought up in neurotic exciting households really do have to learn to accept normalcy and absence of melodrama if they want a happy life. There was a movie about this called "Crossing Delancey". Rent or download it.

(25) Jessica, May 2, 2010 2:58 AM

Enjoyable

Ver well-written. I enjoyed this piece very much!!

(24) Anonymous, April 30, 2010 7:41 AM

Dear 23, (akso known as hmmmm)

Thats not what she ment, so give her a break. it was nicely written and to the point, you have to think about what she says. She ment boring in comparison to "the bold and the beautiful", no one trying to kill him/her self, no lying, sleeping around.... you took it to mean marry boring- obviosly not the intention here.

(23) hmmm, April 30, 2010 4:05 AM

not fair

so basically you are saying to marry someone boring? the plain vanilla is very symbolic of lifestyle choices,which should be clearly outlined b4 marriage and jointly made and I can't imagine anything worse than having a single person read this article and wind up with mr. vanilla. Please, you must make it clear to readers that marrying Mr. Plain vanilla icecream is by no means a guarentee that he will be mr. dependable or mr. honest. I followed that same advce, and am now single.

(22) Jewish Mama, April 29, 2010 11:42 PM

All the single girls should read this!

I love this article, thank you so much for sharing your story and your learning. I hope lots of women can benefit!

(21) Devora Piha, April 29, 2010 7:20 PM

Yehudit Your beautiful and productive lifes are proof of what you wrote. The article is a fresh reminder . Your nachus should increase and continue. your nachus should

(20) Anonymous, April 29, 2010 7:01 PM

Try the Orthodox dating way

Jewish Orthodox are not allowed to touch when dating. Only after they get married. That way you are seeing inside the person. When you have a physical relationship, you can have tunnel vision. Or blind love, emotions takes over, not using the head, heart and soul to make decisions. It's really a good way to do the dating thing. That way you know his kindness, like the ice cream cone, is because he is a nice, considerate guy. Not because he is trying to make points for something else. We can have the sparks going on the inside, and we know there is chemistry, but they are not acted on; getting in the way of what true love is all about. It's more than the physical. That is a tool of becoming one when married. Dating is a time to know who the person really is, on the inside. Because after a few years of married life, that is the person you will see. That is the person you will be living with everyday, on the day to day events. If on that level, it's great, than you have the foundation for a life long marriage. P.s. I use to read True Romance mag. also. They were great reads, but didn't help in picking a life long partner.

(19) Mike Smith, April 29, 2010 2:59 PM

You need both the physical and the mental. Settling for the conveneince doesn't mean you will be happy when you are stuck in a boring relationship down the road!

(18) Anon, April 29, 2010 5:11 AM

More articles like this please!

Its so hard being a Jewish single person trying to navigate the dating world nowadays. It wouldbe great to have more articles like these. I have someone in my life who is just a friend who Im not sure is my beshert or not. The physical/ non verbal communication and connection isn't there, but he is such a good guy and a mensh. I wonder constantly if Im making the wrong decision by not dating him... I feel like its necessary to have thAT connection, attraction, whatever you want to call it, yet the guys I meet that I feel that 'spark' with tend to not be the type that want to committ to me... to what degree do the 'sparks' need to be there versus not... I appreciate the author's candidness and way she revealed her true feelings, and the progression of love she felt towards her husband really taught a valuable lesson as to what's most important... still its difficult to know sometimes whether you should date someone when you're not sure if the feelings will ever develop

(17) Liba, April 28, 2010 3:52 PM

Kafka, were we reading the same article?

I am confused about how this article is either shallow or chauvanistic. Mrs. Channen's point (as I saw it) was that a husband is more than flash, he is substance, and that we--as Jewish women looking for Jewish husbands--need to look beyond the flash to see if there is substance. Flashes burn out, substance endures. I would like to clarify that my fiance and I do have "chemistry" and attraction, which is enhanced by our friendship. And that was only garnered by spending time together and getting to know each other.

(16) Baltimore reader, April 28, 2010 2:40 PM

Beautifully written

I enjoyed your article a lot, nicely written.

(15) kafka, April 27, 2010 6:35 PM

This a Joke ?

You seriously endorse such shallow and chauvinistic ideas ? Wake up and smell the coffee. it's 2010.

(14) , April 27, 2010 1:19 AM

date vs. husband

I adored this article and related on many levels. I learned that there's a big difference between the kind of man who makes a good date and the kind that ultimately makes a good husband.

(13) yosef, April 26, 2010 7:20 PM

more ladies need to understand this

sadly, IMO too many women think the way the author thought and from similar sources. now that I am trying to Orthodox "Date for marriage" I am finding that all too many women are waiting for those fireworks etc. IMO not enough is being done to attempt to change the mindsets. wish I was a better writer then I could offer some articles on at least one males experence/perspective of this mindset. I am also older and not in my 20 or 30"s. All too often I feel like I will never marry a Jewish lady which means now that I am BT I will be single the remainder of my days.

(12) craig, April 26, 2010 6:58 PM

SMILE

what a precious tale. so true. singles, heed Yehudit's words! Don't be like Sandra Bullock. too much fire can burn a house down.

(11) Sarah, April 26, 2010 5:13 PM

Backwards

While definitely agreeing that one should choose a mate based on character traits of loyalty and kindness and stability, one thing did strike me as backwards about this article. She describes building the relationship *after* marriage. One shouldn't rush into marriage with a "good on paper" partner, hoping to build a loving relationship, any more than one should rush into marriage of lust hoping to build stability. There must be balance between the two.

(10) Anonymous, April 26, 2010 5:34 AM

I'm going to say something shocking here

I agree with all that has been said here. But I do think that the romantic side of marriage (even the intimate side) is ignored. We are supposed to look for a "beloved friend" but where is the "shir hashirim" part of marriage? I think that gets neglected, we're told not to think or care about it, and leaves women open to be swept off their feet by the "bad guys" out there who know all the right words...and this can happen after marriage, unfortunately. I'm hearing more and more about it and it almost happened to me.

(9) Anonymous, April 26, 2010 3:36 AM

I was really able to relate to this story- I experienced the same thing and am now the proud wife of the most wonderful husband ever thank G-d.

(8) Anonymous, April 26, 2010 3:07 AM

Sadly, too late for me

I married at 22 to my college boyfriend. I was madly in love at the time. Now I know it to be lust. He came from a mixed marriage family, but was technically Jewish, but did not have Jewish values. Sadly, after 36 years he abandoned me for a married woman who wasn't even born the day I was married. He cut his relationships off with his three daughters and stole our money. And was remarried by a gay woman Rabbi who supported him and his gentile girlfriend while she converted her to Judaism, telling me in Judaism we believe in forgiveness and redemption. I asked her if she believed in the Ten Commandments, and she said the conversation was making her uncomfortable. My ex-husband was brilliant, creative, a physician/scientist, whose goal in life was to make himself famous through his writings. He achieved that. But has no heart and destroyed his family without looking back once, and in fact has said, no one cares. And sadly, he is right.

(7) Annette Glassner, April 25, 2010 9:07 PM

Yehudit, I adored this article; it rang so true. I grew up in the same time period and yes, we seemed to fall for the wrong types then. We were privileged to see your husband not too long ago and anxiously await the time when we can see you again, also. You both are very special people!

(6) Nate, April 25, 2010 3:33 PM

Not being biased when I say this...

Amen! But can someone answer this--Why are the majority of both sides looking for a "ready-made package"? Being in a relationship involves growth, whether it's spiritually or characteristically. Chaya, Liba, and Sarah nailed exactly what, I believe, should be stressed above all other things a person is or does...and that is being a good person. Just to illustrate my point, a girl was informed about me for a possible date and she rejected me because I didn't learn enough (avg. of 90 min while earning a living, mind you). She did not even care what type of person I was...EVERYONE is capable of spiritual growth, be it external and/or internal happenings but when finding a dependable, compassionate, loving, good person, you hit the jackpot REGARDLESS of a person's spiritual expectations.

(5) Anonymous, April 25, 2010 2:42 PM

I can't stop smiling ...

... after reading your stories (those who commented, too)! Especially how the closer we find ourselves to Hashem, the clearer we see goodness. Thank you!! :)

(4) Sarah, April 25, 2010 12:57 PM

I finally learned this lesson too!

I have been dating a wonderful man for several months now, and I had the same experience with him. Thought he was boring, didn't have "strong feelings" for him, the whole thing. But I had read a book that said if you meet a man who is decent, kind, and someone you enjoy spending time with, stick with it, wait it out. So I did...and I fell in love with this great, dependable, considerate, talented, creative, and most important to me right now, NORMAL guy. What a difference!

Jehudit, August 2, 2011 2:42 PM

NORMAL

thank you, Sarah! NORMAL is the keyword! (in contrary to mentally sick and abusive)

(3) Bracha Goetz, April 25, 2010 12:14 PM

Thank you!

What a wonderful article!

(2) Liba, April 25, 2010 11:59 AM

So True!

I am engaged to that man, lol! We will celebrate our chupah on Lag B'Omer, and I couldn't be happier. And the reason I could find my beshert in the "normal" man I'm going to marry? Because I was finding my Judaism again, and with my studies I was able to recognize a true mensch.

(1) Chaya Weisberg, April 25, 2010 9:27 AM

love it!

Thank Go-d I did the same! It's a wonderful life with a good man!

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About the Author

Yehudit Channen

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Yehudit Channen is a writer/editor for different publications and a madricha at Melabev, a day care center for memory-impaired elderly. She lives in Ramat Beit Shemesh with her husband and children and is blessed to have many grandchildren living close by.

True Romance

I knew exactly how I was supposed to feel about the man I'd marry. Until the day I met him.

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