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Dear Single and Married Friends: You Can Help

Dear Single and Married Friends: You Can Help

Are you doing your part to alleviate the dating crisis?


To my dear fellow singles,

I know that this is a difficult time for you. You watch as your friends are getting engaged, married, moving away, and having families of their own. You're happy for them but at the same time you wonder when it will be your turn. You're starting to feel lonely as more and more of your friends move on and leave you behind.

Each time you meet someone new, you hope and pray that this will finally be the "one". You go through the process of preparing yourself mentally and physically and you experience the butterflies that once again take over your stomach. Then you go spend a few hours trying to keep a conversation flowing with someone you've never met before in your life. You may meet again or you may not but eventually you realize that it's just not right. It's time to move on and continue your life until another suggestion comes up.

I ask you to stop for a moment and think about the scenario with which you are so familiar. You met someone who may have been a nice and caring person. He may have amazing qualities and be a true mensch. He may make a very good husband. He's just not for you. But he might be for your friend, relative, or neighbor. He might be just perfect for someone that you know. But you're focused on yourself. It would never cross your mind to think of other people who might want to meet this boy. It's the matchmaker’s job to set up dates, right?

I beg you to remember that we are all responsible for one another. When our fellow Jew needs help, it is our job to do what we can for them. You, who know what it's like to be on this difficult search, should be the first to take action to help. Hashem blessed you with the opportunity to do a tremendous act of kindness but you simply don't realize. You don't seem to remember about me. It doesn't occur to you that maybe the boy you met could be the one to end my journey. You may not want to approach me directly and that's okay. Make a quick call or send a quick email or text to a friend, matchmaker, or anyone who might be able to assist you. Two minutes of your time can bring a tremendous amount of joy to the lives of others. How can you miss out on such an incredible opportunity?

I pray every day that we should all find the right person soon. God is answering us, He's giving us the tools to make that happen, but we aren't using the opportunities He's sending us. Please, the next time you meet or hear of a boy that isn't for you, remember me and take action to help me.

From someone like you

To all my married friends,

Mazel tov on your wedding, on the birth of your baby, on the purchase of your new home, and on your first, second, and third anniversaries. I am so happy that you have been blessed with these wonderful events.

I know that sometimes it's hard to remember but I am still single. When I meet you on the street, since you don't seem to have time to call me up, and you tell me how you have so much to do in the house and how you're so tired because of the baby, I smile and try to sympathize. When you tell me that you're so jealous that I have completed a degree and you wish you had the time to finish yours, I smile and try to sympathize. Over and over we have such conversations and it never occurs to you that maybe I would prefer to be in your situation. You're complaining about the things that I long for. You seem to think that my life is perfect and I'm content being single.

Do you even have me in mind when your husband's single friends come to your home? When your husband mentions his study partner, do you ever ask what kind of girl he's looking for? I know your life is busy but please, I want mine to be busy too.

You were given a tremendous blessing and I worry that you don't even appreciate it. You weren't dating for very long. God helped you find your other half quicker than most of your friends. You don't fully understand what it's like to be in my place because you hardly experienced it yourself. It isn't your fault that you can't relate to my situation and that is why I'm trying to explain it to you and trying to make you aware.

I know you don't view me as being an old single. That's because I'm not. You see that I have single friends to hang out with and it appears as though life is great. But more and more of my friends are getting married and leaving me behind. At what point will you look at me as your nebach single friend? Will you start having me in mind then? Please don't wait until then. Please realize that even now it's hard for me.

You might be right that my single status provides me with many opportunities that you don't have anymore. It's true that I might have more time, flexibility, and energy. I'm trying my best to take advantage of these chances. But that doesn't mean that I don't long to move on. You have boys coming through your home all the time. Your husband has so many friends. Please speak to him about them. God blessed you with an easier time in the dating scene. Please show Him gratitude by helping out His other children. Show Him that you care about me.

From the friend you often forget

Each and every person must help out their brothers and sisters. Although these letters were directed to specific groups of people, it really applies to all Jews. It doesn't matter who you are, you can help me. And boys, this goes for you too! You meet a girl that's not for you, think of your friends. Speak to your wife about her friends and try to think of boys you know that could be a good match for them. We are all responsible for one another. Never think that you can't set up a date. Because no matter who you are, you can and it's your job to try. We know that all matches come from God. But maybe you are supposed to be His messenger.

I can't promise you that these suggestions will fix the dating crisis. But I can guarantee one thing: God will be proud of His children for caring about each other. When we show Him that we want to help others, He will desire to help us further. It is my hope that in this merit, God will take our small steps to action and turn them into something much bigger and greater.

December 26, 2015

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Visitor Comments: 34

(30) Chaim, January 21, 2016 4:18 PM

Where are all the boy?

You assume that there are loads of boys out there, that your friends' husbands all know a few great matches for you, and it's pure self-centeredness which keeps them from setting them up with you. I have news for you - if they knew of a good match for you, they probably would have suggested it. Most of their friends might be married, or not appropriate for you. My advice to you is next time you meet a nice, caring boy with amazing qualities who will make a great husband, don't suggest him to a friend - marry him!

(29) Bobby5000, January 18, 2016 3:13 PM

live with what you have

Part of life is appreciating what you have been given and making the maximum of it. A pious man married a pious woman but they were unable to have children. He thought about it and prayed but no children came. Rather than lamenting his childless fate, that man with his wife spoke to many others about Jewish virtues and worship. Even today over two decades after his passing, the man is still remembered for his knowledge, inspiration, and love. That man was the Rebbe.

(28) Diana, January 14, 2016 9:13 PM

I agree

I agree very much with this article. I was single most of my life until I married at the age of 40. Dating was such a grueling experience and a very negative one. I hated dating, keeping a conversation going with a stranger who was not going to call me back anyway even though he said that he would call.

Here is a lesson for men: If you do not like the girl PLEASE do not say at the end of the date: “ I’ll call you”. We actually believe you and wait and wait until we finally realize that you are not going to call. You are hurting us by saying that. Instead why not say: “It was very nice to meet you, I had a lovely time. Good night”. This simple sentence tells us that you will not call and it ends the expectation on the spot.

I have met single men that seemed nice for my single friends. But my single friends have certain requirements that these men do not meet. For example, they want someone to be orthodox on a certain level. The men that I know are not orthodox so there is no point in introducing them. When are we going to stop discriminating among our people? We are all Jews. So what if the guy is not as religious as you? The main thing is that he treats you right.

(27) J Efram, January 4, 2016 9:50 PM

The Upper West Side awaits.

The Upper West Side awaits.

(26) Anonymous, January 4, 2016 2:28 PM

From a married friend

Just because your married friends have not set you up does not mean they have not tried. The reality is that guys can afford to be picky. And they are. Often times after spending hours trying to set someone up, it goes nowhere. But it would be hurtful to call the single friend and say "all guys I've tried said no". Bekitzur, to all singles who feel this, don't make assumptions the same way that you don't want people to make assumptions about you.

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