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Ghosting Your Relationships

Ghosting Your Relationships

Yes, breaking up is hard to do, but if you want to end a relationship it’s a must.


Emily is an attractive and smart young woman working as an assistant DA in New York. After going on Birthright, she began taking classes and attending programs at the Birthright Alumni Center in NYC where I have worked for the past 11 years.

After meeting a guy at one of my Friday night dinners, Emily began dating him and things started to go well. A flurry of calls, texts, and dates happened between Emily and David, and as a 30 year old woman ready to begin a family, Emily was excited that this could be the one.

Until David disappeared, or as it's commonly called, ghosted.

Ghosting is when a guy or a girl decides after dating a week, month or even years (yes, I know people that has happened to) cuts off all communication without a rhyme or reason. No more calls, texts, WhatsApp messages, and to top it all off an unceremonious block on Facebook, the ultimate shock horror insult.

Why do people resort to ghosting? From my discussions with hundreds of young men and women who have ghosted in dating, the key reason is that they would rather disappear off the face of the earth than deal with the reality of a real relationship break up. Simply put, they are cowards who actually believe they are doing their partner a favor by not "hurting" them with a long drawn out break up.

"It's too much for us to deal with the fallout from a broken relationship," people tell me, "so better we just cut off from each other and move on." They don’t appreciate the irony of only one person having the pleasure of moving on while the other party lives in self-doubt, lacking of closure and wondering for an untold amount of time, "What did I do wrong?"

Emily, and many guys and girls like her are left hanging, trying to figure out whether his ghosting is a phase and he'll be back soon enough, or whether it's time to renew their dating profile and get her thumb ready for more JSwipe activity. After much heartfelt discussion and introspection, Emily eventually moved on. Learning from her previous mistakes in allowing the relationship to go on for too long, she is currently engaged and planning a wedding for the end of the year.

The Torah teaches, "Love your neighbor like you love yourself" (Lev. 19:18). If you wouldn't want the person you're dating to just disappear without warning, then you shouldn't do it either.

Yes, breaking up is hard to do, but if you want to end a relationship it is something you must do. Do not ghost. If you want to be good to your partner and true to yourself, then break up in the following way: don't text, call, or email your thoughts. Make a date to meet for coffee or on a park bench and talk straight, face to face about what you are going to do. There is no easy way to do it, but sometimes life is uncomfortable. Date well, and break up well too. You won't regret it.

Click here to purchase Rabbi Hajioff’s recently published book, Will Jew Marry Me? It’s full of valuable, practical advice for young Jewish men and women who want to go from single to married, providing a valuable guide to achieving dating, relationship, love, and marriage success.

June 18, 2016

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The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 5

(4) Ninja, June 29, 2016 4:11 AM

Focus on the positive, Please!

With all due respect, leviah, holding your child upside down for a photo op makes me want to scream "you're not a mother". But I know that's not true. Let's focus on the issue at hand and the hundreds of other positive words the author wrote. Thanks and I'm sure you're a GREAT person AND mother :-)

Anonymous, June 30, 2016 4:36 PM

I think it's an important step in respecting women by ceasing to call them "girls". Yes, there are a lot of good points in the article, but this is a glaring flaw. Especially since it was written by a man in religious leadership position.

And pointing our your judgements about a funny Purim pic with my child, "you're not a mother", is a not at all a way to "focus on the positive".

You probably mean no harm by your smiley at the end, but it was a pretty insulting and hypocritical comment to make.

(3) Scott, June 26, 2016 2:01 PM

What's the rule?


I once had a woman I was seeing casually reject an invitation when I called and tell me that she didn't think things were working out. We'd been on three or four dates and after thinking about it for like three seconds I said okay and got off the phone and went back to my pasta sauce. It was a good sauce with a beef pepperoni base. Anyway she called back and asked me if I wanted to work it out and I replied that we'd been on a few dates and if there were already problems maybe it's not meant to be. And then went back to my sauce. You can't let the pepperoni burn on the bottom of the pot.

It was a silly conversation.

Here's a question. Actually a few.

How many dates do you have to go on before you have to break up? Can you just not call after one or two or three? Or are you obligated to tell someone they're out after the first date?

Does it matter if you met online? What if you will never run into that person again? Can you just bail?

What if you're clearly not exclusive?

What if you've never been anywhere close to intimate? Or met parents and whatnot?

Do you have to go through the whole relationship analysis and what did I do wrong thing?

Is there a set time when you can do it via email as opposed to a phone call or in person?

I've been on both sides. And never really been happy being the dumper or dumpee. Never really done either well.

Thankfully I met my wife and knock on wood she hasn't dumped me yet. If you knew me better you'd be as amazed by that as i am. Could just be that she likes that sauce.

It's a good sauce.

(2) Anonymous, June 23, 2016 4:45 PM

Right on

I've dated a few guys that ghosted me and one recently for three months that disappeared off the face of the planet. There was no closure just a lot of confusion how someone could be so disrespectful to not end it clearly. Each person is a human being and if they dated you and gave you his or her precious time, he or she deserves a respectful breakup and not the confusion that is the result of ghosting

(1) Anonymous, June 23, 2016 2:40 PM

It takes a lot of courage to end a relationship. It hurts, but you have to do what you know in your heart is right and just. Think of it this way, you are one person closer to meeting the one that G-d has created just for you.

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