Dear Aleeza,

I have been on a lot of first dates. I tend to leave thinking everything went fine. Even if I’m not excited, I’m open to trying again. I realize people don’t always put their best foot forward the first time around. However, I have never been asked out for a second date. Is there something wrong with me or am I doing something wrong?

Sincerely,
Frustrated Female

Dear Frustrated Female,

You’re asking a great question. As a dating coach, I’m also frustrated when a first date is a last date! I appreciate how you are approaching this topic. First, I notice that you gave me some context and said, “I have been on a lot of first dates.” Since this isn’t an isolated case and you have had a lot of first dates, I will say it is unusual not to get asked out on a second date ever. Although I don’t expect every date to be a match, and I do expect more failures than successes, I would expect that at least one or two would lead to a follow-up date. You are right to wonder what is happening here.

Is there something wrong with me? We are all wonderful and unique. We all have something to offer to the world. And we each have our positive and negative traits, no one is perfect. I do believe there is always room for growth.

That being said, I wouldn’t jump to the conclusion that something is wrong with you. I would instead ask, “What do the people I’ve dated have in common (if anything)? Do I believe the people I’m being set up with are a good fit for me?” First, let’s look and see if perhaps there haven’t been matches that are good. If it’s simply a matter of a bad match, that is something we can fix by saying yes to different types of people and saying no to people similar to those you’ve dated.

Am I doing something wrong? Maybe! If you believe some of the previous dates have been good matches and yet you are not getting asked out a second time, it could be that you are doing something to keep them at arm's length. Have you had a bad break up in your past? Are you afraid of getting close to someone and being hurt again? Or maybe you’ve never had a close relationship and need help creating an emotional connection.

Once you examine more closely what is happening on your date, you can begin to answer your question with more clarity. Take time to make a list and remember those you’ve dated. Try to individually and fairly evaluate your previous 10 dates. Reflect and see if you’re contributing to not getting a second date. If you find that you are doing something to negatively affect the outcome, perhaps it’s time to change your habits. (If you are self-sabotaging, you may need the help of a cognitive behavioral therapist.)

However, I do want to point out that it is possible that we may never get to the bottom of why someone won't go out a second time. It may have nothing to do with your behavior on a date and there may be nothing inherently “wrong” with you. Usually there are multiple reasons someone won’t go out again. It's often more complex than a simple answer. Often people will place the blame on a single thing, saying, “There’s no chemistry,” or “I’m not attracted.” Both are things that, while they can be true, are often a scapegoat for larger or more complex issues. Sometimes it’s as simple as someone isn’t attracted. Which, by the way, doesn’t mean you are not attractive; it simply means that they are not attracted to you (please don’t take it personally). Sometimes things end because of poor timing. (However, with your example of this happening multiple times it does lead me to believe there is something else going on here.)

A match between two people does take an amount of effort. That being said, I have had clients who were at one point told they were "too old" or "too ugly" or "not smart enough" to find someone wonderful. Under normal circumstances it is challenging to find the one and often it's even hard to get a second date! I want you to know this because what you are describing is something that other men and women experience. And while there may not be anything wrong...we still may be able to make the process a bit easier and more enjoyable.

I hope you find someone wonderful to connect with who appreciates your mind and your heart. Many blessings that you come to a deeper understanding of what is happening and may you go on a first date that leads to a second, that leads to a third and a fourth…all the way to chuppah!